Monday, September 27, 2010

CHEMO DAY! Last one! I have pushed it out of my mind until this morning, I think this one will be good. I got so sick with the last one, so today Dr. M is only giving me 3 chemos! YAY!!!!! The other one can damage the nerves in your GI tract, so no more of that one after how it affected me last time. I am kinda relieved, but it is wierd because I also kinda feel like I need that other one too. But I was at the smallest dose so they cant reduce it. Enough on that! I would start a new paragraph here, but this dumb site won't let me and I haven't been able to figure out how to change the format...I have tried many times, GRRRR! So, I haven't posted for a long time, couple reasons...I was pretty sad for about quite awhile, then I "lost" my other purse that contained my SD card adapter. I have been losing things way worse than normal. I am just like 10 second Tom from the movie 50 first dates, it is horrible & I am driving everyone nuts! So, I hate to admit it, but I was pretty low. I wouldn't say depressed, just sad. I was thinking alot about the future and the probability that this is what I will die from. So I spent 2 days straight on the couch literally crying whenever my eyes were open. Grieving, I guess. DO NOT get me wrong, I am not giving up...I have great hope and faith in miracles and I want desperately to be the one they say is defying all odds! BUT, I am not completely in denial, I know way too much about thymic cancer. I felt like diagnosis day all over again. I have done a really good job NOT thinking about the future. Then BOOM..it hit me hard. I ran into a brick wall. I TOTALLY trust God so incredibly much...with all of my heart and soul. I know He has a plan for each of us, and I trust Him with my children, my hubby, my sissy. But IF that plan involves me leaving, that just makes me sad beyond words. My soul aches at the thought. I guess when you have "terminal" cancer sometimes you can't help but think of these things. I want so much to live. It is hard when you feel so passionately about life & love and have such joy for it...to feel so full of life. And to know your body is failing you...its strange, doesn't match. So anyway, I got stuck for awhile thinking about everyone living with me gone. I am not going into details because I have to keep my spirit up today and I will fall apart if I think about it anymore. Then my birthday came...38! YAY!!! Was so happy to be here and have another birthday, then I started thinking about how many more I would have. I have just been in a funk, which is ok, good actually. I cannot deny those thoughts and feelings, I think its pretty normal for what I am going through. I just have to pull myself up and out of it, which I did, of course with alot of love from friends and family. And my gosh, what a huge list of people and great acts of love I recieved over the past week. It was absolutely overwhelming, how loved I feel. I am so blessed. My girls from my OB job came to visit me, and I feel awful because I was still pretty sad when they came, didn't feel like I was being me. But it was great to see them and their 2 beautiful baby boys! Amber, Amy, Sandy, and Emily...I love you so much & I miss so bad all the fun we used to have. And oh my gosh, they brought me a beautiful quilt they made with messages on each square from all my old working buddies. THANK YOU! I know how much work a quilt is and I love it! And Kris, thank you for my gifts! She got me a sweatshirt that is pink and says "fight like a girl" and all the girls signed it, it has a little boxing glove on it...hey, it is finally cold enough, now I can wear it today for chemo! LOVE it! Let's see, I have 4 beautiful fresh flower arrangements in my house right now from Paulie, the Duronia club, Bonnie & Mark, and my mama's rose garden. They are all so pretty. Then one day I was thinking I should go buy some mums for my front porch and a delivery basket came from my brother Doug & his family with fruit and a teddy bear and mums! lol.On my birthday Jill took me out for lunch and we went shopping...I will write about that one when I get home from chemo, GREAT STORY! Then Firday Lisa & Chris had a birthday party for me. There were so many people, it was the best b-day party I've ever had. Oh crap, I have to get ready to go. Will write later, there is so much to tell! And it is some funny stuff! I will continue soon. Wait till you see the pics! Hilarious!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

One more thing real quick, Jim sent me a text/song I just listened to. It was in remembrance of 9/11...I hadn't heard that song in ages. I LOVE IT...one of my favorites ever. Thank you so much Jim, my soul is rejoicing right now, this day; for the love I have inside to give, the way I am loved, for the air I breath, the sunshine, for tender hugs, my flowers I just separated for a friend, my family, my puppy Oliver, my life, my adoring & unwavering love I feel for my Father and his Son and the way they love me and YOU more than we can possibly comprehend. I will be singing this song all day today with joy in my heart!


" I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You... Oh my soul rejoice! Take joy my King, in what You hear...let it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear!"
Good morning! I am so happy right now...I slept for 7 hours straight!!! I don't know why, but I've only been sleeping for 2-3 hours at a time. Thank you ambien! I feel like a new woman. So, it's early Sunday morning, I am having my coffee, all 3 of my babies are snug in their beds. I just love that they are all home right at this moment where they belong. I hate it that Tyler will be leaving in just a few hours. He is so beautiful and precious! I love that kid and am so proud of him. It did my heart good to see him and hug him, even if only for a short weekend. I absolutely love when we are all together, the 3 of them are hilarious, make me laugh. Almost always a good time when they get together. It's the best medicine in the whole world. It was funny, I gave Ty a haircut out on the deck and when he wasn't looking I removed the clipper guard and shaved a huge line of hair off at his belly button. Let me explain that he is a hairy beast. He has so much hair on his belly and especially his butt, it looks like he is morphing into a werewolf. Jess and Zack were out there and that girl cracks me up... she was taking hairballs and placing them all over his chest & trying to take pictures. She is such a comedian, every word that comes out of her mouth is funny. I was loving life, just listening to them laugh and joke. I can't explain the way they get along, they are like best friends, so close to eachother. What more could a momma ask for? So anyone reading this with young kids, teens... don't worry, one day the screaming and fighting will end. They will grow up and love eachother again. lol. I was always so afraid of them growing up & leaving home (don't get me wrong, I still want them to live here till they are 30) but I love them as adults. They are really good people. It's awesome to know & love them as friends now.


BTW... I was really excited that I had so many comments on here! I feel wierd blogging sometimes, because this has become like my journal, and it's all out there... I feel like it is so self absorbed. But I guess it's just my story right now, and if it helps someone kill some time, laugh, cry, be thankful for their precious time here, then ok! And it just makes my day to read the comments. Although it feels kinda wierd to hear that I am inspiring, are you kidding? I'm just a crazy nut with cancer. Just getting through it, like any of us would do. And actually, I was telling Paulie the other day that I feel like such a total wussy! I was going back in my mind to when he had cancer. Chemo has come such a long way, I am so lucky and thankful for the meds they have to help manage the side effects. They didn't have it down back then. Ya know, I sit here and complain when I get little hot flashes, cold sweats. But Paul stunk like roadkill and SOAKED the bed with his cold sweats, shivering with his teeth chattering & then burning up 2 minutes later. I complain that I feel so sick to my stomach and get carsick, but Paul was vomiting across the room onto the wall. I complain that my jeans are too loose, but Paul couldn't make it out of bed to get dressed & he was a walking skeleton. I complain I feel dizzy, but I oh so clearly remember how many times he passed out, the worst one was while he was in the shower. New baby crying in the other room, Jess & Ty standing in the hallway looking absolutely scared to death as I drug Paul's limp body out of the shower...naked, dripping wet, me shaking and yelling at him to wake up. Great, now I am crying. It was awful, and I can't believe what he went through to stay here with us. I remember one day he was lying in bed, half concious, and he whispered the words that he wanted to die. My poor baby. I so totally get it now, and I haven't been through 1/4 of what he did. So, HE is the one to be inspired by. Thank you honey, for fighting and enduring pure hell for me, for us. You are so amazing, so strong, so preccious. I love you Paul, thank you for teaching me about strength and what true love is. I am so freaking blessed. Gosh, I started out really happy & now I'm a blubbering fool. I guess because I never go back there, to those memories. To think about it is too much. But I'm glad I am thinking of these things, because I just got totally charged up for my final round. I have been contemplating quitting, in my mind, feeling like I can't do it again. But now I feel like wonder woman, or a wonder twin. Anyone remember that cartoon? haha..wonder twin powers, ACTIVATE, form of....a bull! I am gonna be a big strong bull, fighting mad, ready to charge and kill! And now I am holding my fist up with my magic ring as flashes of power are transforming me. Wow, unless you've seen that cartoon, you're probably thinking I am high right now. lol. Now I am laughing. OK, that's enough for today..feel like I just got out of a psychotherapy session. And I emphasize the word psycho. hahaha.
I will chat later. I LOVE YOU FAMILY! Thanks soooooo much for all the comments, love them! Hope you all have a beautiful, happy Sunday! God bless.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


OK, so I feel great today! The cold sweats are over and the bone pain, from my neulasta injection, has subsided. Just a few of the perks of chemo...not. I'm back baby! I have so much to do. I need to go to the grocery STAT! Mom is coming over today and I can't wait to be productive!!! Start turning the sagging skin on my legs into lean muscle! So, you're probably wondering whats up with these picutures...top right is the hairdo I am going for when it all grows back. I am so excited for a cute little messy haircut. I think if it grows fast enough, I will put some fun colors in it by Christmas, I am hoping. Maybe do dark brown with some crazy burgundy/pink chunks. I just hope I dont grow an afro because then this look may be a little tricky. haha. Btw, hair is falling out again, but I am not shaving it off since I am almost done. I may end up changing my mind though, since I have rubbed a bald spot on the back of my head, like a newborn. The result of re-growth from this just might be a little too "Joe Dirt" for me. Don't get me wrong, I did appreciate a good mullet in the 80's. But not so much these days.

The picture on the left, funny story. When I went to chemo last week, they had donation wigs and hats. So I selfishly took one of each. Actually, not selfishly...it was for Paul. So, I had the wig hanging on my IV pole, and it is quite large (the picture doesnt show how big and puffy it really is). I had been telling all the nurses why I needed it, we'll get to that. And in comes Dr. M, my Oncologist. I absolutely love that man, let me describe him for you; he is young, was an internal med physician, had a change of heart and went into oncology....why, i will never understand, I couldn't think of a more miserable job. Anyhoo, he has passion for what he is doing, is brilliant, genuine, and I (obviously) trust him with my life. He is also a man with deep faith, which I find comforting. He is quite serious though, and for some reason I like to joke around and try to get him to crack. I've gotten a few good "is this chick for real?" stares, and have also seen him try to keep composure and stifle a smile, possible laugh as well. Which, of course, makes me sooo proud of myself. So, he walks over to check on me, which he doesn't have to do, he is busy with patients on the office side. As he is speaking to me I notice him quickly glancing at my wig out of the corner of his eye a few times. Bingo! I am going for it! I say, "Do you like my new wig?" He looks at the wig as if it were a dead animal hanging there and politely states "yes," and is quick to resume medical talk. I break in and say, "Don't worry, it's not for public use." He looks at me, perplexed, as I state in a loud whisper, "It's for the bedroom!" At the same time, Jill is reaching over and covering my mouth with her hand. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Ohhhhh, I tickle myself! I don't know why I find it so amusing, but I just love to shock him!

Then, as the morning progresses, one of the nurses is hooking up another guy, looking out the window, and has a horrified look on her face. She's saying,"Oh no, no, no. Don't go on the sidewalk." Jill and I get up and look out, laughing hysterically, as some lady is driving at 2mph, up onto the sidewalk, over the landscaping, and into the parking lot. She parks, backs up, and proceeds to exit the exact same way. We are always laughing at chemo.

But then, something not so funny happens. I meet a fellow patient, I will call Joe. We talked a bit. Then Jill got up to do something and Joe asks me a question, "Janet," he says rather loudly, "is that your daughter?" WHAT???? I feel as if I had been zapped with a stun gun. Excuse me??? Did this chode really just ask me if my older sister is my daughter???? He can't be serious! But I look at him, he has genuine interest in his eyes. I wanted to say, "Ya know what Joe, #@%#! you!" UNBELIEVABLE! My gosh, do I really look that bad? I had to laugh though, and tell him nicely that she was actually my sister. He looked shocked, as did I. I had liked Joe until then. I hope I never see him again. lol.

I know I talk alot, so I will sign off. Lastly, on a serious note, I want to thank Dr. M! When I went to the hospital last week, he happened to be the doc on call. He went WAY above and beyond. The ER nurse told me they had seen 8,100 patients in the month of July. It is ridiculous, the patient load that physicians handle. And although I don't recall much else, thanks to IV morphine, compazine, fentanyl, & versed (gooood stuff), I know that Dr. M came in to evaluate me, when the ER doc was there & capable. AND, he stayed there with me for quite a long time until my testing was done. In fact he was in the CT room looking at the scan, which I only know thanks to the CT tech. He was very concerned for me, talked with us multiple times. I knew he had left some personal outing he was at to come there, and I felt very guilty pulling him away from the little bit of free time he has, because it was by his choice. He didn't have to be there. He could have, should have, been home with his wife & kids. I know they can't do that for everyone, I feel so blessed to have this man caring for me. I honestly feel that it wasn't coincidence that brought him to me and my family. So, thanks God!!! You picked the best doc in the world! (maybe I should stop trying to get a rise out of him. Naaaa, too easy, too fun! haha)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

P.S. Gypsy John...thank you so much for your comment. By the way peeps, pleeeaase comment, it's my contact to the outside world! Anyway GJ, you inspired me to post this picture...it is pathetic and disturbing (except the part of my sissy holding me) & not how I want the world to see me, but it is me right now...it is the story of not just me, but everyone who has to fight against cancer. I will take another pic this morning so you can see how much better I am today...with pancake, our new little baby!
I am officially an old lady..white hair, obsessed with the weather and my bowels. lol. I ended up in the hospital for a couple days due to severe stomach pain, haven't been able to eat or poop. It reminds me of when I had histo and I was so thin with a big pregnant looking belly. Yesterday I had my tight jeans on, except they were falling off with the belt on the tightest hole. I don't recognize my body right now, and this whole time I have been trying to eat well and maintain my weight, but I just cannot eat anymore or I am in pain. I have lost another 5 lbs. in the past week. But the good news..thanks to gas-ex, tums, senna tabs, 2 laxatives, and suppositories...I finally had relief this morning! I know, TMI! This round has SUCKED! On one hand, I feel like I am in a marathon and am about to cross the finish line and feel like...keep goin girl, you are almost there!. On the other, I am DONE! I can't take it anymore. I just can't do it anymore. I soooo feel the toll this is taking. I know I said before that dermatomyositis was worse..I lied. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through (besides losing Dad and Terry).
And here is where Jill comes in...my angle!!! She was right by my side through this ordeal and told me the most wonderful interpretation of one of my favorite verses..Isaiah 40:31 "those who wait on the Lord renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

The interpretation is that we should wait (not like at a red light, but like a waiter) on God. Serve Him. Anticipates what pleases Him. And here is the really cool part that I love...the eagle is the only bird that flies directly into the storm. The wind catches its wings perfectly and carries it ABOVE the storm where it can glide and not have to fight the storm. :) THANK YOU JILL!!! You will never know how those words carried me through last friday, or whatever day it was...I don't even remember. I will CLING to those words and that verse to get me through the end of this treatment! You are the bestest sister ever in the whole wide world and I LOVE YOU to bits! I hope that maybe it will help someone reading this if they are going through something difficult right now, remember..you are not alone! God carries us and loves us more than we can imagine.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hello! It is now 09-01-2010! I'm so glad. I love September. I get round #5 in about 9 hrs., I suppose I should be in bed..but don't want to go to sleep and miss any time while I feel so good :) So, not much is new. My hair is growing back and I am not sure what color it is yet...it looks white sometimes, blonde and light brownish other times, depending on the lighting. lol. But I love the way it feels...like baby bird hair, it's all soft and fuzzy- wierd. I rub it all the time because it is so soft. It was funny, today my friend Tammy visited and then we went shopping, she mentioned that we probably looked like dikes! hahahahaha. I am pretty sure we did... she has a cute little pixie haircut, and I am half bald/ half soft, fluffy buzz! Made me laugh until I realized people were probably assuming that I am the dude! Not so funny then! I also have new eyelashes...I know it is so shallow & vain, but THANK YOU GOD! I think when those fell out, well, that was the point I felt like "Pat" from SNL... is it a man or woman??? So now I feel pretty again with my eyelashes. I feel like I am clearly female with mascara on.
Other news... Jessi is now picking up hours at the stable for a little extra cash. I am SOOOOOO proud of her!!! She is working in the Anna school district with special needs kids. They have downs and autism. I love her passion about it all. Her face lights up when she tells me about her day and these kids...especially her favorite little boy. I think it is awesome how she is applying all of her experience from college to give the absolute best to these children. She is so young and fresh, full of optimism and hope for them. She is a special girl...I couldn't do it. She is just exhausted, she leaves at 7:30 am and returns about 12 hours later. My poor baby girl, I know she is so tired. And she is missing Zack so bad since he went back to BG. They skype all night. It is hilarious, one night she was holding the laptop and saying, "do you wanna watch TV with me?" and took "him" into the living room. First I was like... barf! Then I was thinking how awesome it is she's so in love! Who is this girl? She has been such a man hater for so long, glad my sweet girl is back!
And Ty is doing well. I miss that boy so much!!! I miss his hugs. He is nonstop with FB practice and 19 credit hours. I can't wait to see him again!!! I wish chemo wasn't tomorrow...because there is NO way I can drive 5 hrs round trip to get him home for the weekend :( makes me sad. But I am going to go see him & stay the night 09-18! yay! Btw.. I didn't post about his 1st scrimmage. He carried 3 times, got about 11yds for 1st down, then about 6-7 yds, then ran the ball in for a TD! It was so fun watching him. He's my little beefcake! He is so fricking built and obsessed with working out, lifting, etc that we call him douglas, from the movie 50 1st dates...HAHAHA. We are always saying, "lay off the juice douglas" If you have seen the movie I'm sure you just giggled. If ever I see a mid drift netted jersey..I will be all over it for a christmas present. heeheehee. Tyler...if you should read this, you better call me tomorrow!!! Why no phone call or text today? At least a text, only takes 5 seconds!
Levi started 6th grade... caught somewhere between a boy and a man. Sometimes he is too cool for me, is doing homework independently, maturing. And the next minute, he is my little doodlebug, and I can still hold him, tickle his back while he is falling asleep, and love on him with eskimo & butterfly kisses. I love it, and I know my days of that are numbered...like really soon. So I am soaking up every second he lets me still be "mommy". Although he knows no matter how old we both get, he will always be my baby. I make him promise to never stick me in a nursing home, he has to feed me and change my diapers when I am old...and I think he is the one who would. lol. He is such a sweet kid. But he cracks my butt up too. He is hilarious.
OMGosh!!! It is 1am...got to go! I will try not to post until I wake up from what Jessi has termed my chemo coma. She is so funny, when I am being pathetic she'll sing... ka ka ka chemo! ya know, like cha cha cha chia! for those dumb chia pets. Drives me nuts, but it does make me laugh. It is supposed to be a gorgeous weekend, so I wish lots of fun and love to all...hope it's a great holiday for you!!! peace out!