OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a difference a day makes! I FOR SURE got the drug that we didn't think my insurance would pay for! THEY SHIPPED IT LAST NIGHT AND IT ARRIVED AT MI CASA TODAY! Say what??? This is crazy greatness! It feels like everything is always so uphill... histoplasmosis recurrence in Nov.- delayed chemo, shingles in Jan.- again, delayed chemo & cancer started spreading, not getting chemo covered by insurance & having to try another one, blah blah blah! FINALLY something is going my way! I was at the pool store when I got the call and I just started balling with pure, utter joy and relief! I was shaking because I thought that by the time I would "maybe" get this drug, it might be too late. My little Levi was with me and I know he was just trying to piece together my phone conversation and when we walked out he asked me what it all meant, and it felt like heaven on earth to be able to tell him something good and happy for once with regard to this stupid cancer deal! I cannot tell you how it felt to see hope in his eyes! For once, he wasn't dropping his shoulders, head down, trying not to cry. Hallelujah!!! Thank you for this very moment God! My sweet little boy- the love of my life, finally gets to feel happy and not scared for a minute!It has taken every single ounce of courage and strength I have inside to stay positive and be strong throughout these past months... and despite it all- I am absolutely OVERCOME with relief, excitement, and most of all praise to God! I literally feel the weight of the world lifted from me. Thank you God so, so much! Guess you must have felt sorry for my pathetic butt on the bathroom floor at chemo the other day, lol. I KNOW God has carried me through this whole journey... even though, if I am 100% honest, I have felt abandoned by Him at times. Sometimes it has felt in my heart like my cries and prayers have been useless and unheard. But I know that those feelings are my emotions getting the best of me when I'm not getting what I want. I knew from the start this wouldn't be easy, and I have HAD to trust Him completely! And I do!!! It all goes back to Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans He has for me... to give me hope and a future (in this life and the next!) That is my favorite verse of all time- it has always sustained me through all the hard things I've been through in my life. It has always given me hope, thankfulness, and intense drive to press on in search of the good. But then, when I almost died from histo a few years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed and didn't feel right. The fever started, I could gauge it was at least 102, the shivering had begun, the hip bone pain becoming unbearable again, usual events at night... but this time it was different, I felt so dizzy and lightheaded. Everything was getting dark, I started to feel like I was dying so I said to myself, "self... DO NOT close your eyes!", so I found a spot on the wall to focus on so I wouldnt go to sleep... I knew if I did that was it, it would all be over. And it took me at least 10 or 15 minutes to gather the strength to hit the nurse call button that was lying right next to my head... that is how weak/ out of it I was. I just couldn't muster the strength. I had to think about it for a long time until I could make my arm do what my mind was telling it to. I was so scared. And of course it was the 1 and only night Paul went home ( only at my absolute insistance) and I was all alone. God, I was scared to death. Anyway.. the nurse came, checked my vitals (new, young nurse of course, lol) and when my BP was 70/40 she freaked out and said she was going to call the doctor and LEFT ME ALONE in my room! wtf? I was seriously panicked at this point, because she didn't come back for a very long time. There I was... lying in this bed, felt like I wasn't really attached to my body anymore, just trying to hold my eyes open (they were SO heavy) to look at that speck on the wall to stay awake. And I was thinking- open up my IV fluids- I need a bolus, put my bed in reverse trendelenburg, I am fading fast... why did you leave me, you dumb nurse?!? Start some dopamine! Anything, just get back here! I wanted to get out of my bed and perform these tasks but I could not move a muscle. And then it was so weird, I was all "foggy" and I closed my eyes... and someone (God, I am pretty sure) spoke to me. It wasn't a voice I could hear, it was more like a "knowing" that was being revealed to me. See, that bible verse has always gotten me through my entire life, but I had always thought it pertained to my earthly life. And now, lying in that bed feeling panicked that I was going to die, I had this overwhelming peace and knowledge that what that verse means is that His plan for me is for me to prosper both by becoming the best, most loving person I can be here and fulfilling my potential and recieving great love from my family and friends... but also when I get called home. That when I go home to His arms, it is nothing I can imagine in this life because it is so beautiful and I will be happy and filled with everything we desire here. It was AMAZING... and I was totally ok to go at that moment. I was really happy. I wasn't really in my bed anymore. Total peace. But then that nurse came back & saved the day, hahaha. For which, btw, I am so thankful she did! Even though it was 45 minutes after she left my room! (I remember I had looked at the clock before I zoned out.) Seriously though.. I cannot put into words, there just aren't any, to convey how relieved I am!!! I didn't want to die then, and here I am... I've been given 3 years since then. And now... hopefully with this new drug I will be given even more time that I have been DESPERATELY praying for! I mean, I am not afraid to die at all... but I adore my life, my family, my friends... I'm just not ready yet! I would love to see my baby grown, for Wyatt to maybe be able to remember me, to be around to help Jessi and Zack... to see Tyler married, maybe meet his baby, spend amazing, fun time with my husband! I just want to be here to enjoy and cherish all that God has given us here! I FRICKING LOVE MY LIFE!!! So, I am asking anyone reading this to get on your knees when you think of me, and pray with me the second part of my prayer... that this "new" drug will help me the way it has other late stage thymic cancer patients. Pray for more time for me, please! Thank you to every single soul out there who has held me and my family up in your thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed with so much care, concern, love, and prayers... and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support! I couldn't do this without all of you :) Sorry for all the rambling... I don't even know how I got so off the subject, hahaha. All I was going to blog was that I got Sorafenib! YEAH!!! Woop! Woop! SO awesome!!!! I'm so happy!!!!

K, I am so tired... night night! ttyl.

Hello! I am feeling so much better today! Boy, yesterday was awfully tough. We went to my Dr. appt and "saw" the reality of my cancer progression on my pet scan... I am never looking at those again, lol. It's one thing to know it in your head... but to see your own body and all those stinking tumors filling up your insides, whew, it's a hard pill to swallow. And to hear the words, "it's about quality of life... blah, blah, blah." I HATE that phrase!!! Just hate it. Because I do so well living out loud and feeling really happy except when I get those damn scans. It is way better not knowing because I don't look (now that I have hair again- thank God) or feel "sick" at all! And that's the way I like it. I spent so much wasted, negative energy yesterday crying my eyes out the entire time at chemo. And it was the ugly cry, hahaha.I did good at my Dr. appt, but wow... when I walk into that stinking treatment room... and all those people lined up in chairs like a factory assembly line, looking frail and like they are dying. I just couldn't take it yesterday. I had to get up and go into the bathroom, where I fell onto the floor and sobbed and prayed. And when I got back into my chair I did ok, until I would look at Jill or Lisa, or when I would think. And that's not me! I refuse to give this cancer power over my happy little soul! That is who I am... happy-go-lucky, see the good in everything, spontaneous, fun, thankful... love my life. So that is where I am this morning, I absolutely refuse to grieve what "might" be. Proverbs 3:5... I trust Him with ALL of my heart, not gonna try to lean on my own undertsanding. amen. I mean... it is what it is, I can't control my destiny to a certain extent, and I am so totally blessed with a VERY good & happy life... so I choose to roll with that! I thought of the card Tim & Anne got me at the beginning of all of this... it said to be fierce. I loved that card and that word means so much to me. Fierce... I will be fierce about living my life to the absolute fullest! I am so lucky for how bad my cancer is that I have very little symptoms. Sometimes after I eat I have a little discomfort under my right ribs... but that's it! How awesome is that! I thank God every single day for feeling completely healthy. What an amazing gift, blessing. So.... thank you God again today... you rock!

I was so happy last night too... my brother David came over... it was so nice to hang out and talk. What a great way to turn the day around and end it on a good note. I also want to thank you- Sarah and Laura, I really don't know what I would do without you two! You are such treasures. You always know exactly the right thing to say to me to make me feel better. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. I am super excited, Laura is going to take a week off of work early September and spend it with me. I am so happy! I miss my girl so bad... and I desperately need her by my side :) yay!!! Then mid Sept. Paul Lisa, Phil, Levi, and I are going to Tops Sail Island in NC for an entire week! I want my other kids to go too... will have to see if they can get out of work/school. It was supposed to be just us 4 adults, but with how my health is- I want my babies (all 5 of them) with me too. I cannot wait! I love love love the ocean/beach! Although shark week is next week on TV, and they freak me out totally. And I just heard 2 very disturbing things... a little 4 yo girl was bitten by a shark recently in only 18 inches of water, and here's the kicker... Top Sail Beach is #3 beach for most shark infested waters! Someone may have been messing with me, I need to google that stat to verify! lol. Did I really pick that place? What was I thinking? Oh well, I don't really swim in the ocean, I just love to walk the beachline in shallow water and hunt for crabs at night, and collect shells. I think that just may be my favorite thing in the world to do. And I am super excited because the Ritz in Ft. Lauderdale gave us a book on building kick ass sand castles and a beach cookbook that we will for sure use in NC. Awww, I am thinking about Christine from there. She was so loving, a great lady. I will never forget her hug she gave me when we left. :) I need to send her an email.

Jill, Lisa, and esp Paulie... want you to know HOW MUCH I love you and I am so sorry for what you have to go through on my bad days, that is what pains me so, so deeply! But thank you for taking such good care of me and holding me up when I can't stand. How lucky am I to have people who love me so much! That's what it is all about, huh? Sticking together through everything. And even though it is so hard and feels unbearable at times, we have more good and happy times together than bad... and when you put it all together, it makes life so beautiful. All of it. Despite cancer, we are so blessed to have eachother and love eachother like we do. :) :) :)

Hope whoever is reading this takes the time to choose to be happy today and not waste time fighting, being angry, sad, or depressed. Be love, give love... always.always. always.

p.s. Laura, I hope you have enjoyed your reign as scrabble champion, but I will redeem myself... and you will NOT win again! I promise you. hahaha.

So, I have new pet scan results... liver tumors are bigger and there are several new ones! (in just 6 weeks while getting chemo) Pretty much sucks, but what are you gonna do? Chin up and fight on!!! I see my doctor in the morning and I am really eager to start a new chemo. I haven't had any for almost 3 weeks, my platelets were too low again. Which kinda made me suspect that the chemo wasn't working too well. But at the time all I heard was I'd be getting a chemo break, and was like wohooo! NOOOO chemo... I am totally down with that. hahaha. Now I am like, hurry up and shoot me up with some poison! Like, yesterday! lol. I researched stuff online all weekend and I am VERY excited about 1 drug that has helped several thymic cancer patients that are refractory to standard, current therapies available. One dude went 9 months with no progression of disease, idk what has happened to him since.. but I would give just about anything for my shit not to grow for 9 months! But, of course, it isn't FDA approved for thymic cancer yet (grrr) so I pulled some case reports for my doc to fight insurance co to get it approved/paid for. So please say a prayer for me that I can get this drug... I need it BAD, REAL BAD! It is the only drug I have found that has worked with late stage TC that are resistant to other chemos. And my cancer is growing just about as fast as the weeds in my garden, lol. And at this point I am really frustrated, pissed off actually. I am so ready for one of these chemos to do something for a change! But, idk, maybe they are (slowing it) working a little. Maybe if I weren't getting these drugs I wouldn't be here right now... who knows. So, I just have to have courage and keep on keepin on :) I gave Paul a John Wayne frame that says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway!" I just love that quote, so true! OK, enough on that... I am done talking and thinking about dumb cancer! (well, after my appt in the morning.)

Other news; My cousins Karla & mike, their daughter Brittney, and my Uncle Karl came to visit me on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing them & spending time with them. We got all caught up and had some good laughs. Planning on a girls night in the fall. Will be fun time, can't wait.

Also, Ty is done working at Lowes until he goes back to Ashland and I am sooo happy! I have hardly seen him all summer and I miss my boy. Hoping to spend some good time together over next couple of weeks. I just love that kid! He is funny, so sweet, good to talk to.... wise beyond his years. It's funny, I'm supposed to be the mom, but he helps me so much to "get through" some of my rough moments. His faith is AMAZING! I love that about him so much. He has never changed who he is for anyone, always stood his ground with his values and beliefs. I'm so proud of the man he is. Oh, funny story- last week he was working, came home for dinner, went back to work. I knew he was working until 9 and at 10pm I thought, maybe it was until 10pm. Now I have to tell you, Tyler always asks permission to go anywhere, even though he is almost 19. It's so sweet. So, anyhoo... I fell asleep on the couch waiting up for him, wondering where in the world he was. I woke up at 1am totally panicked. Jill had come here after work and was awake so I asked her to check if Ty's car was here. She went outside and said nope. Then I started the OCD text messages and phone calls to his cell. No response, no answer. Jill tried to call her house to see if he had gone there after work, but no answer- everyone was obviously sound asleep. By 2am I was freaking out! I called his aunt, grandma, friends. He was nowhere. Then I called the po-po with a knot in my stomach. This isn't Tyler, he would never not let me know where he was, he'd never stay out all night. (If this had been Jess I'd just be irritated that she was doing this & wouldn't be worried or scared at all.) So whoever I talked to said there had been no accidents and since he was 18, not much I can do. I explained the situation and she said she would have a sheriff return my call right away. I was debating which way Tyler would have driven to work so I could go drive the route. I went and woke up Paul, extremely stressed out... and Paul said, "He came home from work, took a shower and went to Jill's." I thought to myself, what??? HOW did I miss that??? I mean, I know my memory is awful, but come on. I was so exhausted (at this point it was 3am) that I decided to believe him. Paul is always on it. The phone rang, I told the sheriff I felt like an idiot, but we knew where he was, thank God! I tried to fall asleep but something kept nagging me that Paul was not fully awake and didn't know what the heck he was saying. Ty would have told me!!! I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 am. OK, so heres the funny part... I wake up at 7ish to find a note from Jill... seems Tyler was home in bed the WHOLE time!!! She just didn't "see" his car in the driveway. He had pulled up farther than normal so it was blocked from view. OMG!!! I was so tired that entire next day after being up all night for NOTHING!!! I coulda killed her, lol. He was laughing his butt off when he looked at his phone that morning...why hadn't I just checked his bed? Gooooood question. hahaha

Other news... Levi is almost as tall as me and it is freaking me out! He has been my little baby boy for so long, but I cannot deny any longer that puberty has arrived. So sad! He is in the "I am too cool to hold your hand or act like I love you in front of anyone" phase and it is killing me. He has been talking about adult things that I didn't even know he knew! I knew it was coming, just not ready for it. I keep reminding him that he promised to still hold my hand and be snuggly with me forever, even when he is a teenager and a grown man. I guess I shouldn't expect it in public. And he does still love on me at home as long as noone else is around, guess that'll have to suffice. Ohhh, I am not ready for this. I want my baby to stay a baby forever, lol. He did say, "I love you mom" in front of his friends, so that is totally cool. Hope that never changes. He is so adorable and he makes me laugh so much. He is hilarious. I can't believe some of the things he comes up with.But I laugh after he is out of earshot, I try not to encourage him. I have to be "mom". He reminds me so much of me sometimes it's scary!

Real quick, because I am really tired & about to fall asleep... Jess is doing awesome, she looks and feels great. She is such a good little momma. Makes my heart absolutely melt when I watch her with Wyatt. I can't believe sometimes that that's my little girl holding her little baby. I remember so clearly holding her that way, looking at her that way, singing to and rocking her. It just makes me smile and feel so happy inside. Zack is so sweet with him too, I just LOVE it! He is a lucky, blessed little baby, that's for sure. He couldn't be loved more, especially by his gigi! :) I freaking adore him! Being a grandma is unbelievably awesome, no words really. I just can't wait for him to smile and "talk" to me :) ok, going to bed. nighty night!

Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't posted in so long. Been so busy with the arrival of my new grandbaby, going to Indian Lake, treatments, and then I was sick last week. So, quick post... as I am at Peggy's house right now... and I got a verbal beating for not blogging! So little Wyatt Joseph Baird was born on June 26th, after 22 hours of labor & a c-section... thank God baby and mom are healthy and happy. He is sooooooo stinkin beautiful!!! And he has the best little personality... laid back, never cries. Well, hardly ever. Just when he wants his GiGi to hold him. lol. I have been on cloud nine since his birth. Even when I was sick last week, there are no bad days... just look over and see his lil sweet face, ahhhh... life is gooood. If you wanna see his newborn pics just check me out on facebook. ( I never really get on there except to put pics up, haha). Anyhoo, I promise I will blog more... I have been being harrassed about this alot lately. But I gtg for now, we are having a cookout at Jim & Peg's, sitting at their beautiful tiki bar having drinks and having fun with friends. What a great night. Tim, Anne, Lisa, Phil.... hurry up and get here! Ohhhh, "come sail away" just came on the radio... we all sound so good singing! heeheehee. peace out for now! oh, and 2morrow we are getting a swimming pool... WOHOOOOO!!!!! yay, yay, yay!!!!! Cannot wait!!!!