So, here are some Indian Lake pictures so far this summer. We've been having a good time up there. This past week has been pretty good! I got my new chemo, its not too bad... just feel tired alot, if that's it... I'll take it! My hair is coming back in, this time I'm blonde! I'll take that too!!! Thank God it isn't pure snow white again, that was hard to swallow. It was pretty freaky looking in the mirror and seeing 80 years old on the top of my head, hahaha. I told Paul now I'm gonna be like a playboy bunny, lol. So I went to Kings Island with Angie, Dana, and all our kids... so much fun! I looooove roller coasters and it had been a long time since I had rode one. It suprised me though, because Levi (who fears nothing!) was afraid to ride the big ones. I think I pretty much scarred him when he was little- when I made him ride and laughed the whole time when he wasn't really digging it so much. Hopefully he will get back on that horse someday. But we rode some fun smaller ones, swam, and did old time portraits... which I have to say he looked so cute in his old, wild west clothing! He was loving the guns they had, imagine that! It was a great day. Thanks Angie & Dana! Other than that just been spending time at the lake, fishing & swimming. Levi is on a mission; there is a monster catfish he is bound & determined to catch. It broke his line, so we got a new line and weighted hook that will hold 60 pounds.. I'll let you know when he catches it!Jill and the kids came up, Tobi came home from Louisiana before he heads off to Guam. I love that boy! And, as you can see in the pic above, I had great fun painting his friend, Nick's toes while he slept by the fire. Ahhh, good times! I have to go for now, it took way to long to upload these pics and I have much to do today. Oh, I almost forgot... Jess is dilated to 2cm!!! woop!woop! Wyatt is on his way soon! Can't wait to kiss those lil fat cheeks! They look VERY fat on the U/S from last week. heeheehee. Will post again soon... have a wonderful day! I will! :)

Well, I just read what i wrote this morning... and I am sorry for cursing like that. So, that was Sybil (my alternate personality)... I am back now. lol. I feel so much better. Jill and I took the boys to the pool and it was a beautiful, sunny day, for which I am so thankful. Summer and the sun make it really hard not to have a good day. I got all of that out this am, then I was like... ok janet, don't waste a day... on with it. I have to not think about the future. It's funny, I have such an easy time leaving the past in the past. But it's much harder to only live in the present. But today I feel great, like I said- it doesn't even feel like I have cancer, so I'm gonna roll with that... just kinda pretend I don't. I am going to try my best to absolutely enjoy every moment I am given. And that won't be difficult at all! Levi is out of school for the summer, yay yay yay! And little Wyatt will be here in a couple of weeks! LIFE IS GOOOOD! And ya know... there are so many ways this could be worse... my kids, husband, family, and friends are healthy! I would rather it be me ANY day rather than them. What about people who can't have children, or lose their children, or many other worse scenarios out there that other people are living and suffering. And like I said, I feel totally normal, so that is truly amazing and awesome. Update; I am not going to take this lying down... so I go to IU in Indianapolis tomorrow to see the thymic cancer guru in the nation- we'll see what he has to say/offer, and then Monday we are traveling to Pittsburg to a liver cancer center. They got me in so fast- thank God. I will not give up hope... I REFUSE!!!! And I will not become some pathetic, depressed Debbie Downer chic either! Chin up high... let's roll! Cause I don't have time for this crap, need to get it fixed! There's always a first to be cured from something, right? I pray it's me! And until I'm dead... I believe it can happen! I will continue to hope beyond hope and trust God with ALL of my heart. I will not lean unto my own understanding (prov 3:5) but live on blind faith in His plan for me and all of us.

Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.