I am writing to ask for prayers. Prayer for strength, hope, and healing, not just for myself but more importantly my beautiful husband and children. I have decided to stop all chemotherapy. (hold on, I know what that sounds like. I AM NOT giving up!) So, actually I have been pretty stubborn & have continued it when my body has been screaming noooooo! I have been praying with all of my heart for answers from God, and I am 100 percent sure that I cannot do it anymore. It has gotten to the point that I am actually killing my body quicker than the cancer will. I have been merely existing on my couch, only able to minimally participate in life for quite awhile now. I haven't been able to shower on a daily basis, cook dinner, do any household chores, (trust me you should be soooo thankful when you physically can) and at times barely make it to the bathroom. I like to pretend that everything is ok, so it's really hard for me to be honest about how bad I have been doing. But the truth is that I feel my body slipping away if I continue this path. I have been in a dark place lately. My spirit started slipping too, so that's when I knew... Enough! I am really struggling with nutrition and endurance to stay off the couch for more than an hour or two. So if you remember please say a little extra prayer for me to be able to eat better and get my strength up. I have got to get some weight back and get some exercise. It might be 3 minutes of sweatin to the oldies with Richard Simmons but I HAVE to make myself start moving! And I'm sure Paul would really appreciate it if my ass doesn't hang to my knees anymore! I'm serious.... It's gotten so bad. Funny how with the flip of a switch it (muscle) all disappears so quickly. I just want my muffin top back!!!

I want to tell you that I know how bad this all sounds, but it is good! I see light at the end of the tunnel! (and noooo, not that light...I'm trying to stay far away from that one lol) I feel the weight of the world lifted off of me. Because all this time I have been struggling with turmoil, both physically and mentally. And now I have peace in my heart. And hopefully once I get all of this poison out of my system I will feel tons better. I stopped last wednesday, and I'm having moments of feeling better. I was hospitalized recently and felt so much better after blood, fluids, and a 1 week chemo break. So, I should slowly start getting back to living my life :) I am also going to see a naturopathic doctor to help try to heal my body naturally, if nothing else...make it feel better and give it what it needs. I see her next week.

So, today if you are overwhelmed, tired, hating, fighting, or just going along with a mundane day... Remember how blessed you are that you can squeeze dinner in somehow, run your kids all over, face the bills, work on that laundry, take time for your child, play outside, take the dog for a walk, meet a friend.... All the things I miss so much!