carpe diem!

2012-02-22T06:42:00.005-05:00

Good morning! I have emerged from my chemo coma today! I am hungry and desperately need a shower, lol. So this round wasn't as bad as the first, of which I am so so thankful. I can do this. I meant to post before my last treatment but didn't get around to it. We had so much fun at the cabin! Who knew that Paul was such a good DJ? Ohhhh my, if only you could have seen it. We were a hot mess! But we sure had fun singing! I was so impressed with all of the emotion everyone put into their performances. Phil was swinging his mic, Lisa and I did some back-up dancing, it was awesome. Peg and Anne win for best voice though! And Chris was quite impressive too-that girl has serious stage presence! ... wish I had video of it all. The rest of us just thought we sounded good, hahaha. It was so good to get away and just have fun. We played scrabble- shout out to Scott, taboo (LOTS of taboo), went for a walk as it started snowing. Some of those ding-dongs got in the hot tub, we went out for Mexican, I don't know- just had a really nice, RELAXING weekend! It was great. Then I came home and Sarah had made me this absolutely beautiful collage for my wall to look at and focus on with my next treatment. It brought me to tears... I wasn't expecting it and it was so beautiful (see pic above). It has everything I need on it and is the most loving gift. God, I love that girl!!!

That's about it for now, I'm pooped just from writing this. Just wanted to be sure I let y'all know that I'm good.

2012-02-07T07:32:00.005-05:00

I don't even know where to start. I read all of the comments from my latest post and oh my! I couldn't stop crying. It felt so good to read and feel the love, overwhelmingly so! Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! Wow, those prayers really got me, because "I'll be praying for you" is a fairly standard comment that I hear all of the time- and to be honest, doesn't really help me feel better. Or didn't anyway. I have heard it so much that I just started to feel like it's a standard line people say to me, undertsandably because what else are you going to say to someone whose cancer just keeps getting worse. That is how I was feeling about that- until I logged on with the intention of blogging last night and was so moved and overwhelmed I couldn't even write. I just cried (off and on for the rest of the night) and thanked God in my prayer to be so loved and cared about. It was one of my best nightly prayers with Levi by the way! I hope he remembers it for a long time- how much we are loved, how blessed we are, how much his mommy felt loved that night. I needed so badly to hear everything you guys wrote- I cannot express to you how it lifted my spirit and gave me comfort! This chemo I am taking is harder than I anticipated. I lost 12 pounds in a week if that tells you anything. I mean, I am fine now... but the week following treatment was horrible. I "lost" 3 days I was so out of it, thank God. The ones I remember- I don't want to. The truth is that this is becoming harder. I wish so bad they could put me in a medically induced coma for a week so I wouldn't have to endure the living hell I went through. But I guess one of my favorite quotes is so true- "if there were no suffering, there would be no compassion." Not that I am suffering, I hate that word. I am not!!! Once the chemo wears off I am all good. But that week after is unimaginable. I have no doubt at all that the enemy tried really hard to get his digs in this last round. I don't really want to put it all out there, but I have to. What is the point of my blogging if I am not completely honest? In a perfect world I want to write positive, uplifting things but I guess I'm certainly not living in a perfect world right now, lol. And I certainly wasn't positive with this last chemo round. I really struggled with it. When I did wake up it kind of felt like I had died and gone straight to hell... and I didn't care. I didn't have one single ounce of a good thought or feeling. I just layed there in my bed staring at the wall, feeling like my body was literally rotting from the inside out. I didn't care about anyone or anything. In my mind (at the time) I just wanted to die. I felt like I physically couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this whole nightmare to be over. All I could think to myself was please God make this stop! Just let me go God!!! I don't want to be here anymore! I hate this place and my family would be so much better off with me gone. Please God, just free them! Free me. I am not strong and I cannot endure this anymore. I didn't feel God anywhere. I felt nothing, just darkness. I remember when I finally did start getting out of bed with Paul's help, I would just cry. I would look into his eyes and just cry. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and begged him to let me stop it all. Ok, here's the main part I DO NOT want to write or admit to... but the thought crossed my mind to just swallow every pain pill I have in my cupboard. (Now listen.. I am NOT suicidal! And I would NEVER EVER take my life! EVER in a million years!!! So settle down Jill! Don't get all psycho on me and think I need counseling or antidepressants, etc.) That is just how badly I was feeling that that thought did cross my mind! Because I have never understood people taking their own life. First of all it's a sin, second I trust God with all of my heart and His plan for me and us, third I adore my life! I just was that low, physically and then spiritually from this chemo. So anyway, when those thoughts entered my head- that's when I remembered to pray. That is when "I" came back and started to think rationally. One night when everyone else was sleeping I was walking to the bathroom but I didn't make it there, I just kinda collapsed on the kitchen floor, kneeling down to beg God for strength. Physically, but more importantly spiritually. I felt so incredibly weary. I was telling Him how weary I was, how I cannot take one more step in my life. And then, mid prayer it came to me... Isaiah 40:31. I think the word weary triggered it. You know, I bet it was God that triggered it! So I just stayed there for the longest time, repeating over and over that verse. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And I kept saying, "God, help me to walk, help me to run, help me not to be weary anymore, my hope is in you." The next day I started feeling better. And each day got a little better.

Whew, it's all out there. I am quite uncomfortable writing all of this and I don't particularly like reliving it again, but it is what it is... my truth. I guess I just want for you to know the depth of the pit I was in- so that you can know what your prayers mean to me. I am NOT alone. And people don't just say I'll be praying for you. I am being carried and that is the most beautiful gift I could ever recieve!!! Ya know, I completely believe in Footprints in the Sand, but I also know now that the love from many beautiful souls carry me too! You guys are wonderful and I am so grateful. I'm so lucky! Funny thing too, at church Sunday the verse on the bulletin was Isaiah 40:31! And my pastor quoted it during the sermon. That's no co-inky-dink!!!!

So Paul and I are going away this weekend to our annual get-away to a cabin at Brookville Lake. Friends and family will all be there and I can't wait! I am almost 100% and I am not having pain anymore. I haven't had any since 1st day of chemo... thank you God!!! Hopefully it will be as fun as last year. I'm sure it will be thanks to my new karaoke machine, the hot tub, and lots of alcohol. Well, I can't drink- but they all can! I can't wait to hike there too. Not sure how far I will get but I am a pretty determined girl. And I am going to go to the store and buy stuff to make myself a board while we are there to hang by my bed to prepare for next friday's chemo. I want to put those 2 prayers from my comments on there and other stuff that is really beautiful to me so I have something happy, comforting, and positive to focus on next time. I REFUSE to let the next round be a repeat! I am spiritually preparing this time for sure! I will be ready and satan will not enter my room this time! I have officially kicked his ass to the curb! See ya! Well, actually I won't see him again... because God is way bigger than him and I will be protected this time. I will have my "armor" on and ready for battle. Wow, I am so dramatic, lol.

I have got to get going, so much to do today before I babysit Wyatt here in a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you every single person who helps carry me when I am weak. Mostly, thank you for your prayers for my family! Because THAT is the part of this whole deal that burdens my soul. The hardest part of cancer- is knowing the path they endure with me, because of me.

Oh, and in case you might be wondering why in the world I would even subject myself to this kind of chemo when nothing seems to be working... well, I had been given 2 choices at my last appointment with Dr. M. The first choice was hospice, and to even hear those words come out of his mouth made my heart sink. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, my God I feel fine! Ya, I started having pain in my belly a couple weeks ago... but at that moment I was up to 123 pounds, (which is the most I have weighed in almost 2 years) I have energy and function totally normally, my liver and all of my other organs are functioning perfectly fine. WHAT? hospice? Are you kidding me? Noooo way! I am not ok with just giving up or into this @#%#@ cancer!!! So the bottom line is that desperate times call for desperate measures, lol. I'm so desperate at this point to shrink down this crap growing in my liver that I will do just about anything! I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I cannot accept dying, just can't. I always knew my stubborness and determiniation would serve me well one day, hahaha. Dr. M even said that to read my reports you would picture someone not in good shape (I think he meant like on their death bed) and that it's mind-boggling to look at me. I physically don't match what is going on in my body. All praise to God for that btw. So he said he was willing, despite what colleages might call him crazy for, to treat me with this particular chemo again. I am happy that he won't give up on me either!!! So, it is true- never say never! I never thought I would choose this again, but it's my best option, my only option to fight to live!

2012-01-26T23:18:00.002-05:00

Medical update:

Cancer Treatment Center of America was a bust! Well, not totally... they were very nice and treated me in a way I hadn't yet experienced with regard to healthcare. It was a very happy, positive place to be. But, like everywhere else, they didn't really have anything else to offer me because thymic cancer is so rare and pretty much noone knows what to do. Turns out I am not a candidate for theraspheres or radiation to my liver because there are too many tumors. So... plan B!!! Tomorrow (fri) I am starting another chemo. Going back to the 1st round of chemo I ever had. Which I'm stoked about actually. It is the only treatment I got that put me into remission... and it has been long enough between treatments that I can do it again. Downslide is that it is 3 chemos that are kick ass- as in kick my ass! lol. So I am just praying with all my heart that it does what it did the first time, therefore worth going through. Oh, and I will be bald again :( I am so, so sad about that- but it is what it is, so I just have to chin up, bandana on, and take it one day at a time!!! I will get it every 3 weeks if my body/blood counts can take it... so here goes! Once again, LET'S ROLL!!!

p.s. All my thanks to God for this option :) I pray I will feel it burning the crap out of my liver and destroy whats trying to destroy me. May God work through my doctor, nurses, and medicine to heal my body. amen.

2012-01-09T23:52:00.002-05:00

I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!! I spoke with the people at Cancer Treatment Centers of America today (I finally have insurance that covers them woop! woop!) and I am filled with a brand spankin new sense of hope and encouragement. I don't know why, because the good Lord knows I have been steadfast in my faith, but I feel different in my heart of hearts right now. I actually believe I can be healed of this cancer, I don't know if I will be, but I- for the first time- REALLY believe it's possible. Okay, I am sooo out of control with thoughts at the moment... let me stick to the CTCA deal. First of all I will be going this month, hopefully in approximately 2 wks if we can get all the records, blah blah blah. You should see my file by the way- it's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever seen one so thick, hahaha. It doesn't even contain all the papers properly, they need to start vol 2 before the binding breaks. I'll take a pic of it with my cell phone next week so you can see what I'm talking about. Well, if I can remember! Secondly, the guy I spoke to on the phone was very uplifting and hopeful. And that was such a great feeling, to be talked to with hope. He was talking about treating my whole body, spirit, and mind so that my immune system can be at top form to be able to fight the cancer. He talked to me about stress management (counseling and massages for both Paul and I etc), receiving pastoral care,having a dietitian consult for nutritional counseling to fight the cancer (which I am totally big into right now), acupuncture, seeing a medical oncologist, surgical oncologist, radiation oncologist, a naturopathic Dr. for vitamins, supplements, and herbs that my body needs (specifically for my body based on blood work they will do). Yada yada yada... it goes on and on. I am so excited about all of this because I do know that in order to heal myself from this cancer my immune system has to be restored, as well as my spirit and my mind. So... the unexpected news from my phone consultation was this... I may (or may not) be a candidate for a fairly new treatment for liver cancer. Greeeat, I can't remember what it is called. Hold on, Zack just got up and told me... therasphere! hahaha, wow, I really have some serious short term memory problems. Anyhoo, they run a catheter from your groin into your hepatic artery and inject up to 8 million tiny glass spheres loaded with yttrium that go directly to all of the capillaries feeding my tumors and radiate the crap out of them!!! heeheehee. It makes me giggle an evil little laugh to think I may have another option still available that could destroy or seriously stun my stupid tumors!I just visualize that happening and I am so so happy. I would love nothing more than to zap all those invaders! THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!! All I ever hear is, "palliative care," or "it's about the quality of life," or "we can try 1 chemo at a time and see if anything works" (looking at me with sad, puppy dog, I'm so sorry eyes) Wellll, HA! I might be a candidate for a whole lot more! I'm not going to managed by pharmaceutical companies alone anymore! There is hope for me yet!!! Yay! super Yay! Super thank you Jesus! I hope you will pray for me (and pray hard!) that they will be able to do that therasphere stuff to my liver. And I will be praying for guidance and wisdom on my new little path I'm taking. I hope that God will use this place/journey to help me find a new way of life :) One of COMPLETE trust and without fear! Fear has got to go! And I know better! Oh my gosh I can't wait to get there! There is an additional bonus as well- it will be a nice trip & alone time (noooo kids!) with my man! We haven't really had that since Galveston during the summer 2010. It'll be sooooo nice! Wow, I just really can't believe that I may have another treatment option! This is so exciting! I hope with ALL of my heart and soul, and I pray :) because through Him all things... ANYthing is possible!

One more thing really quickly... I was on the CTCA website and saw that they also provide reiki therapy! All I could think of was the Modern Family episode when that reiki freak (imposter) was living in Lily's outside playhouse. Bahahahaha! So I don't think there is any way I could ever have that done on my trip! Omgosh that show makes me laugh!

2012-01-08T00:46:00.003-05:00

So, I just got home and I shouldn't have had that cappuccino at The Cheesecake Factory, I am wired! What a great night!!! Jill and I met Kim Dewey and Dianne Clark (she's in from L.A.) for dinner... it was so wonderful to see them, it's been a couple of decades I think. Love those girls and it was so good to laugh so much. My gosh, Kim's memory is freakish. I love hearing about things I would never have remembered for the rest of my life. But that is pretty much a daily basis for me as I can't remember yesterday, lol.
Well, Christmas was wonderful! I got a new Shark Steam Vac- LOVE IT! And a beautiful family tree necklace, a food processor to puree my veggies, a Bed & Breakfast gift from my kids for Paul and I. Oh, and Santa brought us a dual mic karaoke machine with 60 top hits cd!!! Now the kids can listen to me sing really loud, and let me tell you I have a great singing voice! hahaha. It was overwhelming. But the best part was giving everyone their quilts I made. But poor Levi... thank God he knows the truth this year, because I forgot about filling the stockings. That was bad enough... but (oh it gets even better) then after we were all done unwrapping presents I asked Levi if he was excited about his new X Box games... he said he didn't get any. After a couple of hours (I couldn't remember where I hid them) I finally found them, along with all of his other presents that I forgot to wrap!!! Later that evening when I watched our video I realized that while the rest of us opened gifts, Levi just sat patiently watching. OHHHHH MY GOSSSHHH!!! Worst feeling ever! Mom of the year! lol. He was so sweet though, never said a word and was thankful for the couple gifts he had opened. Now that is totally chemo brain because I have never and WOULD NEVER EVER do that! I'm just so thankful that they could laugh about it. And Levi was so, so sweet. He was saying that it was ok, he got plenty. He was probably thinking- it sucks that there isn't a Santa and on top of that my parents forgot me! I'm sure I will probably never live this one down!
This has been such a good time though. I love having Tyler home!!! I have missed him terribly since he's been away at college. And Paul and I have been going on dates which I love. Jess and Zack got a house- awesome! I am so happy for them. It's only half a mile away thank God! Because I am pretty attached to my little,ok not so little, baby Wyatt. I babysit him, so he's like pretty much my world every day. He has grown so much and I love watching his little personality develop. He's going to be a little wild man I believe. I just love little boys, and that one has my heart for sure! I think my favorite thing is when I rock him to sleep at nap time and we both hum until he falls asleep. If I stop humming he cries. He has to be rubbing either me or a soft blanket with his fat, little hand. It just melts my heart. This week I got him a swimsuit and shark hat for next summer. I will upload the pic later. I can't wait to introduce him to our pool. He's going to be a lil water baby. Ahhhh, summer! I wish it were here. I know I said earlier I couldn't wait for snow, to build an igloo & snowman, blah blah blah! What a bunch of crap! I'm totally over it. I hate being cold and I miss being outside. Spring can't get here fast enough! At least I have some plans to look forward to though. In February we are going back to the cabin for a long weekend at Brookville Lake with Tim & Anne, Jim & Peg, and Lisa & Phil. Then the BOMB Squad is packing up and taking a road trip south!!! How fun will that be?!? For those of you who don't know- bomb squad is a group of local friends/moms that we formed a few years back. It stands for band of moms bonding (or getting bombed together lol) We used to get together on a regular basis and have pajama parties and get-togethers with NO kids or husbands! We all have our code names/alter egos and it's a blast when we get together. So many different personalities and lots of laughs. I can't wait to go on this trip!
Well- it worked! I am so sleepy now. Will sign off and post again soon with some pictures. Night night :)

2011-12-24T07:22:00.002-05:00

THANK YOU everyone for your comments, posts, and texts!!! I well up with tears of happiness and feel so comforted by all of you. I feel the love!!!! I am so very grateful for every single person who touches my life!!! I don't know why I am on this path... but I DO trust God completely and my prayer is this: That through my journey, God's love will be felt by someone who didn't know or feel it before. That I can teach someone, even if it's just 1 person, that love is all that matters in the end! That if you trust, if you have unwaivering faith, if you see your life through the eyes of our Father and reeeeally see every good thing He has given and does for us... then it WILL BE a beautiful, amazing, happy life filled with contentment and JOY. We cannot let our troubles be the focus of our existence! It's not about the past, or finding happiness in the future- it really is so simple... it is about this very moment and trying our best to be a source of laughter, love, and kindness to everyone we touch. I pray that His light shines through me, so you can all see how A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-L-Y much we are loved by Him. And I am so thankful today for this huge celebration we are all about to start... it is the BESTEST birthday party of the year! Holla! I can't wait !!! Have fun everyone!!!! God's blessings to you and yours!!!!

2011-12-22T16:32:00.003-05:00

I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.

Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!

2011-12-07T16:37:00.003-05:00

Why, hello everyone! Just a quick note to tell you I am good! I dropped a deuce and not feeling that uncomfortableness anymore- thank God! I knew I had eaten too much lol. I don't know why I was so freaked out, lack of sleep probably didn't help the situation either. BUT, I am a new woman today. Just got my "juice", yay my platelets were still good, and I can already feel a mild burn in the vicinity of my liver.... SUPER AWESOME! I love feeling that! Burn, baby, burn! I just know this chemo is doing something! Even if it just slows the growth- it's a beautiful gift :) and I am happy. Enough on that junk.

So, I am making huge progress in my Christmas present projects. I wish I could tell you all that I am making. But they are secrets, hahaha. I am having so much fun though. I love making special things for the people I love so much. I cannot wait to give them away!!! Less than 3 weeks now, the anticipation is so fun. And, tomorrow night I am meeting up with all my old friends from work for dinner, drinks, and a movie. Then Sat going out with my sister for her birthday.... love La Fiesta! Twice in 1 wk is awesome. Then on Sunday we are going to the Duronia Club Christmas party- I think I may just sit on Santa's lap, hehehe. So this is going to be a wonderful week for me (soon as I get thru day 1 of chemo) and I hope whoever reads this also has a fabulous week! I wish you much joy and happiness!!!!! God bless us, each and every one! :)

2011-12-06T01:46:00.002-05:00

Can't sleep. I just realized I had an old post on here that I never published, so I just re-read it and put it up. (see below) It was really good to read that to remind me of some good things. Because I am having a hard time tonight with anxiety, I guess. I have been feeling fabulous for the past month- so much so, that I kind of forgot all about my cancer... and let me tell you, I have been very happy! It has been absolutely freeing to not ever think about it! But today I've been really bothered because I can feel something under my right ribs. Gosh I hate it! I am just fine, but when I can "feel" it... well, it makes it pretty hard not to think about. I tried my hardest today to push bad thoughts away, relax, trust God. And I did pretty good too! I worked on a Christmas gift I am making, played with & babysat Wyatt, finished decorating my tree, and made dinner. But... every time I leaned forward for too long, or turned just the right way I was constantly reminded of this pain in my side. Or should I say PIA? lol. I told myself all day it's just because I've been eating too much. (when I have a really full belly sometimes I feel this) But I don't know, this time it feels like it goes up higher under my ribs. It doesn't really hurt, just bothersome and uncomfortable. So, here I sit at 2am. I tried to go to bed, but whatever position I am in it's really bugging me. And at night- when day is done, all is so very quiet, and all of the noise of the day has faded away... my mind starts racing. I start thinking all of the what ifs. And even though I was yawning and could barely keep my eyes open on the couch... somehow lying in my quiet, dark room it is like I just drank an entire pot of coffee! Eyes wide open. I hate this place! I haven't been here for a long time and I don't like it at all! Ok, so I need to refocus here. (It's just so hard when I feel like there's a baby inside on the right when I KNOW there is no baby lol) Ok, janet, come on... focus! God is my past, present, and future. Every moment I am given is a beautiful thing, a precious gift. Christmas is coming and life is good. smile. WAIT, what if I don't wake up! I have to make it till Levi is 14!!! Well, how bout till I am 40?!? That's only 9 more months. That's not too much to ask is it? (Panicky feeling starts) Oh God, I can't die! I don't want to die! I love this precious, sacred, beautiful life you gave me.... please. PLEASE! PLEASE GOD! (now I start obsessive thoughts) I know that you created this body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit, and You made it miraculously, with the ability to repair and heal itself. Help me (along with my new anti-cancer diet) to gain wisdom and strength to be able to be cured. I know Your will is for me to prosper, to have good things in my life, to live. Not to be fearful and afraid. So please God, take this fear away, because I am scared shitless right now. Ok, this is RIDICULOUS! Where is my faith? WHY am I letting this horrible panic and fear come over me? I'll tell you why... because I CAN FEEL THIS FRICKING CANCER BALL inside me!!! And it's late and quiet. Ok, janet... just stop! Where's my bible? I thought journaling would help, but I think I need to refer to the good book at this point. Normally I don't think I would post this, but what the heck~ it is what it is and I'll be ok tomorrow! (If I can just get to sleep tonight)

2011-11-15T07:28:00.005-05:00

Fast forward to today... I got my "new" chemo last Thurs. and I am so happy to report it is a breeze! The schedule will be 2 weeks on- I will get it IV once a week- then 1 week off. The first couple of days were insane thanks to the IV steroid I got with it. I forgot just how hyper it makes you. Oh my goodness, I was totally "cracked" out. I was up all night, zipping around as if I had drank an entire case of red bull, hahaha. It was good the first day, but by the second day I'd had enough... my hands were so shaky I couldn't perform any fine motor tasks, lol. NOT a good feeling. When I got to that point I was afraid I would crash and burn, as I had in the past, but I am still good! Woop woop! Holllla! And God, it feels so good! I will not ever allow myself to go back to not really living. I didn't realize at the time just how poorly I was living, or not living I should say. And to be honest with you, I can see now that I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally struggling too. I allowed myself to become very depressed and was totally giving in, giving up. I started focusing on death and a future without me. That is SO not who I am, but when you physically feel so awful it is easy to subconciously, slowly get to that place. I cannot believe I was there and didn't even know it. I'd just say to myself, "I'm just so tired." But I was not functioning at all. I didn't take care of Levi in the morning, I didn't know what was going on at school, help with homework, didn't tuck him in at night. I didn't acknowledge my husband or Jess or Ty. I had cut myself off from my friends, not contacting or talking to anyone. The only thing I accomplished during that 2 months was managing to take care of Wyatt a few days a week , "show up" and fake it for certain events. I would say all the things I used to believe, almost like I was reading a script of positivity. But I was not feeling it- I just figured the more I repeated all that crap maybe I'd start to feel or believe it again. It was really, really hard. I cried an awful lot during the past couple months, I just felt so helpless. Even worse- hopeless. It is crazy to me now because I am me again, very happy! It literally feels like I've emerged from a coma. And I am very excited and happy to still be here! I have such a feeling of complete, utter euphoria... to feel alive! I can't wait for Christmas, snow, the OSU/Mich game!!! There is so much exciting stuff coming and I love, love, love it! Sidenote, we have electric outside now and Paul promised we will light up the house this year. I CANNOT POSSIBLY describe the joy I feel inside for that. I want to string evergreen branches along our white picket fence too, with lights and ribbons! Then all we'll need is enough snow to make a snowman :) heeheeheehee, I can't stop smiling! Oh my gosh, I am completely overjoyed for Christmas! It is the most special day of the year... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! I already made Paul listen to Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is you" a few times. And I think, no, I know, he secretly loved it! hehehe. Or maybe it was my dancing he loved. I thought that with the cancer card, I may have been able to un-Scrooge him... but last night he started to tell me about a van he saw advertising professional Christmas light installation. WHAT PAUL??? Are you serious? Hmmm, no way is he getting out of the festivities! NO WAY! He will string lights and decorate the tree... and, with a song in his heart! I swear I will someway, somehow rub off on him and turn him into a Christmas junkie. There is no reason and no room in my home for Scrooge! This is the happiest, most important day! It is such a gift and celebration... how can you not be overjoyed??? I will keep you updated with his transformation. Who knows, maybe he will wear his Santa suit this year just because he wants to! hahahaha. You never know! Miracles happen, right?!

Wow, I can really get off subject! So, not to keep going on about all of this cancer crap but I just want to tell you about an amazing experience and epiphany I had not too long ago. I went to church on a Sunday, Wyatt in tow. Didn't really feel like going, but I made myself go for Levi's sake. So I got there and sat in the last row, anticipating Wyatt getting fussy and dreadfully having to stand up and rock him. (Dreadfully only because I was so weak and my arms hurt so bad from this little ritual.) Then I started having a hot flash, ugh! "I shoulda just stayed home, I'm already worn out and church hasn't even started." Then Pastor Andy sneaks up beside me as church is starting and whispers a request to call me forward (and I'm thinking... say what? Are you crazy? I don't like being front & center, unless of course it's me cutting up and making people laugh.) My first instinct was to tell him absolutely not! But then I heard the second part of his request, which was to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me & pray. So I reluctantly said sure. I was thinking, well... nothing else seems to be working, I don't know how I feel about this oil and hands hocus-pocus... but I know prayer is heard, why not? Can't hurt, right? And I guess I want to believe that there is some kind of powerful, miraculous ability for prayer & oil to cure me- if that is God's will. So he calls me up. As I walk forward I feel like I have a turtleneck on that is choking me, I am not liking this at all! Why did I agree to this? I can feel ALL eyes on me. The poor girl with cancer. I think about Levi standing back there holding Wyatt, and how I want church to be a happy place for him, not where cancer -once again- has the upper hand. I don't want to have cancer here. I really don't want to give my cancer so much attention. God, why did I come today?

So, I turn around, mortified at all the faces staring at me. Pastor Andy starts talking about how I have cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but I clearly remember him loudly using the word cancer, and saying, "that's right, I'm calling it out by name!" Oh gosh, why did I do this? Then I hear him announce his intention to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me to pray. What I wasn't expecting, or prepared for- was his request for anyone who felt the desire to come forward and lay their hands on me to so I could be lifted in prayer by many. As soon as he got the words out it felt like the whole, entire congregation was walking toward me. I didn't have time to think about it or feel uncomfortable with it. That is when everything changed. Now, I'm not crazy (I mean seriously crazy) but I swear to each and every person reading this that at this point I had an out of body experience. I know, I know!!! It sounds nuts! And maybe it is... all I can do is tell you what I experienced that day. So, anyway, as the people were coming toward me I saw tears and felt the most sincere love in their faces. Just pure care and love. So many people came right to me. I felt so many hands on me and saw tears just rolling down so many cheeks. I looked into the eyes of these people, alot of whom I didn't know, and felt so much love. Just beautiful, simple, pure love. I started to follow suit with the tears, but not sad ones. I just felt so completely loved, in a way I never have before. It was beautiful, amazing! There just are not any words to describe what happened or how I felt, but I'll try. It is hard to explain. But I also felt God. I have prayed and talked to God more times than you can imagine, often times wondering if he's busy with someone else, but I felt Him with us. Without a doubt, not stemming from belief or faith, but He WAS RIGHT THERE! I just felt His presence. So as Andy started with the oil and praying I started to feel like I was floating. I couldn't feel my legs standing on the ground, actually I couldn't really feel any part of my body specifically. I felt all those hands on me, but in a different way. It felt like we were one person. And those hands were carrying me, my body and my spirit. I was so exhausted at that moment in time and it was so awesome to just let go and "let" them carry me. Because I felt like I couldn't walk one more step in my life. And there was one woman in front of me who was squeezing my hands with hers. I don't know why, but her touch was the most powerful. I felt so overjoyed with love, rescued from my nightmare. It was a moment of such amazing peace and grace. It was like I was lost in time, in some beautiful trance-like state, with the most beautiful music playing- but I remember at some point thinking to myself, Oh wow, this is what heaven is going to be like!!! And let me tell you, it was a very happy place to be!

Another lady came up to me afterward and said, "I know you're going to beat this." And I was thinking to myself... "what you don't know is that I already have!" So that is my huge epiphany... whether this dumb cancer ends up taking my body or not is irrelevant... I BEAT IT!!! I beat that son of a bitch EVERY single day of my life! I beat it every time I get chemo, I beat it every time I break down, fall apart... but pull myself back up and back into a joyful existence, I beat it every time I let go and trust God with my life and my families lives. I beat it when I pray, "God, this is YOUR body, mind, and soul.. use it for your will and just guide me to be what you need me to be. I beat it every hour of my life! "Beating" cancer isn't about being in remission AT ALL!!! It is about living and being the best me I can be- despite the fact that "it" grows inside me! I beat it when I laugh, when I find joy in the mundane daily tasks, when I look outside at this wondrous world, when I kiss Wyatt, when I tuck Levi into bed, when I hug Paul, when Tyler calls and makes my day to talk with me, when I watch my amazing daughter being a mommy, when I look to my future, when I don't lose hope. I could go on and on and on, but my epiphany is this: I have not, nor will I EVER lose my battle with cancer! God is my Savior, my strength, my hope, my past, present, and my future... I beat cancer, because I love and because God loves me- period.

2011-11-06T06:28:00.003-05:00

What a difference a week makes! ....and getting off chemo, lol. Wow, I cannot believe how bad I was feeling and I didn't even realize it. I am normal now- I just wake up, make coffee, get moving, do chores, etc. without having to think about it and try to talk myself into it! (and then end up not accomplishing a single thing except getting better at my remote control without looking at it). That is pretty pathetic- my remote has become more like another appendage that I use as if it were another hand with fingers. Don't even use my brain, it's automatic. Now I do not even feel like watching TV at all.... what a waste!

Anyhooo... I want to let ya'all know my medical plans and then I am done talking about this dumb cancer, what a waste! Ok, so after much contemplation I have opted to skip the radiation to my lower skull. From my understanding the area is small and not growing as fast as the liver tumors, and I don't want to take the risk of hitting any cranial nerves when I am completely asymptomatic. Plus... (I know this may sound really morbid to you, sorry- it's the nurse in me lol) maybe this thing by my brain stem is a blessing in disguise. If, and I repeat...IF this cancer does kill me, rather than wasting away from little tumors taking over everywhere... maybe one big blow to my brain stem would be better for me and all involved, hahaha. quick please?!? Now, on to the chemo decision. That has been a tough, tough one. I talked to Paul, as well as each of my kids and the consensus is just stop that crazy nonsense! Especially with the difference in me from last week to this one. I am telling you, I am a completely new person! I feel alive again! And it feels so good. BUT... at the same time this is the only one I haven't tried, and maybe it could stop that dumb cancer for awhile??? I have to give it a try. Trust me... I am not excited about it. My hair can fall out again and that's my biggest thing, I DO NOT NOT NOT want to be bald again! It feels so wonderful not to be stared at, receive pity looks, etc. I just want to be seen for me... not what chemo has done to me physically. And I love feeling like a woman again, not gonna lie. Call me vain, I don't care! But I guess the more important thing is (cue the music)... "I get knocked down, but I get up again, YEAH!, you're never gonna keep me down!" hahaha. I just sang that outloud while I typed it, I am so silly. So, I have to try it! Dr. M is going to do a dose reduction since I have had so much chemo and I'll see how this week goes. If it's bad... game over... I am done. NOT done fighting cancer, just done poisoning my body. I will try new ways to continue to battle (diet, exercise, mindset, etc). Because ya know, I want to live my life feeling happy, being me... full of energy & smiles. This bag of bones wasting away on the sofa is not me!!! At all!!! By the way- I have gained 5 pounds in 1 week! Yeah! It is like I have come out of a coma, and I was starving! I can't quite stuff enough food in my face, I'm so hungry constantly.

2011-10-31T08:44:00.017-04:00

So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

2011-10-27T17:47:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?

I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

2011-10-26T10:55:00.002-04:00

So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)

Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!

2011-10-22T09:21:00.002-04:00

It is so beautiful outside today! And I am really happy because Levi's last football game is at noon, what a PERFECT day for a game! That's all I have today... got to get moving. Hope to write later.

2011-10-22T09:18:00.002-04:00

Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you well, excited to start a new week! Afterall... every day is a new day, right? I am going to have a fabulous week, because yesterday I heard the words "I will sing a new song" at some point in church and it occurred to me that I should. So I am going to try really hard this week to accomplish at least 1 thing a day and refuse to let fatigue (understated word, lol) win. And that 1 thing doesn't include a shower or making dinner... which is what my goal has been lately. hahaha. And I am going to try to be a better mom & wife... quit being so self absorbed and start taking care of my family again! I'm really exited to make a change... lying on the couch 24/7 is no way to live. Plus this is like the most beautiful time of year, my favorite I think. Well, idk... spring is so beautiful after a long winter.... it's a toss up I guess. No, fall for sure! Jeans & hoodies, bonfires, leaves, dressing up for Halloween- it doesn't get any better than that! So yesterday was a good start- I went to church (when I didn't really feel like it when I woke up) and went to the grocery with Wyatt (thank God for Levi or I wouldn't have made it) and made dinner. Today I am going to finish a quilt I've been working on. HUGE, HUGE accomplishment! I don't believe Paul's family reads this so I will tell you. (These are supposed to be a suprise) When his sister Terry passed away I took all of her clothes and started making quilts immediately. I made one for her sister Lisa and one for her daughter Alissa. Well, (I am so mad at myself) I hadn't worked on anymore since I was diagnosed. Too painful I guess. I couldn't cut up her clothes without balling my eyes out... it was awful, there's such a finality in doing that. Such a realization that she is really gone and never coming back. And I could smell her on her clothes, which actually was a very comforting thing. I loved smelling her, just had a hard time chopping up her clothing. Anyhoo... I resumed my quilting awhile ago and I have finished two, and today I will finish my 3rd! Yeah! Btw, it's not hard to do so much now... I feel really happy to have these pieces of her that they will be able to wrap around them. Christmas is going to be sooo good this year! It is going to be very "Little House on the Prairie" with my homemade gifts, PERFECT! For those of you who don't know me too well, I always wanted to live like Caroline. hahaha. That's how it should be anyway, instead of all the crap we spoil our family with, it has def lost it's meaning I think. Well, I'm bringing it back baby! Maybe I'll even bake a birthday cake for Jesus this year like a did once a long, long time ago. I just love Christmas, bestest holiday ever! Wow, I can ramble. I wanted to get on today to share what happened to me at church yesterday. Crap... Wyatt is awake. I will finish this in a bit. Wakie, wakie, time for eggs & bacie! :)

2011-09-27T01:10:00.004-04:00

So, I have written a couple of times but I cannot get this stupid blog to post. I will try again.... we just got back from full week in beeeeautiful NC! Omgosh, I've never seen so many seashells! It is sooo addicting, I just couldn't stop collecting them! I found some really cool ones and I can't wait to arrange them in this huge (and I mean huge) glass jar. I'll have to take a pic when I get done. I'm so sad though because the last day of our trip Lisa, Levi, and I took a ferry to Bear Island (Blackbeard's old hangout) and hunted for sand dollars and shells.... in a freaking hurricane! Well, I might be exaggerating a little. But my God it was thunder like right beside my ear and I about had a heart attack... lightening right over us- that I didn't see because of my huge 'ol umbrella (real smart, lol)... and terrential downpours! I felt like I was on survivor, except I wasn't surviving too well, hahaha. So anyhoo... on this BARREN island (that lady at our resort lied! There weren't huge shells everywhere and millions of sand dollars!) we finally found 6 sand dollars after almost 3 miles and Levi found this AMAZING starfish! It was beautiful... bright blue on one side, white on the other. That is when the storm really picked up so we turned around and realized the wind had been at our backs. hahaha. I wanted to cry...it felt like we were walking into a tornado and I was fully aware of just how far we had to go back. My feet were killing me cuz they are all messed up from my new chemo, my stupid umbrella, which was only really protecting my face from the sideways rain from pelting it, was turning inside out and I was about to throw the damn thing into the ocean! But noooo, I held on, against the wind. Not one of my wiser moments, like I was really going to stay dry at all! Poor Levi... he gave up on any attempt to shelter himself and lugged our shells wrapped up in a towel over his shoulder. He said that now he knows how Santa feels. hahaha, made me laugh. It felt as if we were hiking up a mountain due to the high winds. But I had carefully placed our beloved sand dollars in the right back pocket of my shorts to prevent any damage to our fragile treasures, and the starfish in the left one. Now here is why I am so sad... we finally made it back to the shelter house after what felt like 8 hours (was really about an hour and a half), arm and leg muscles twitching & aching so so bad, skin eaten alive by mosquitos and burning from the hard rain, drenched, out of breath, ready to fall face first into the sand.... and i saw a bench there... so i plopped down, just exhausted. And I heard it... CRUNCH! omg, sand dollars--- gone! Are you serious??? I just endured all of that and did what??? Again, felt like crying. lol. Then we proceed to walk another 1/2 mile to the other side of the island to (barely) catch the ferry back. As we are pulling away... shivering, cold to the bone, teeth chattering, wishing we were at the condo with our much wiser husbands... Levi says, "Mom, where's my starfish?" OK, this is the point I truly did have to hold back tears... left it at the shelter house!!! This was a day long event, our last day in NC, just wanted to find something so special for Levi to always have... went through so much to find them and now we've got NOTHING! Well, except our memories! hahahah, Lisa and I laughed all the way home. I wish I had just a smidge of that day on video!

2011-09-06T03:18:00.003-04:00

I am soooooo happy right now!!! I just woke up to go to the bathroom and my face is CLEAR!!! COMPLETELY CLEAR! It's a miracle! Oh my gosh, thank you Jesus! I can touch my nose and it doesn't hurt... heeheeheehee! I am giggling it makes me so freaking happy! I can raise my eyebrows, wiggle my nose, smile... and nothing burns or hurts! And my scalp isn't tender & itchy either! Laura is here visiting and she just woke up too... she said it's because she healed me, lol. Ohhhhh wow. Earlier this week my nose was soooo swollen, Paul said I looked like an old alcoholic, ya know when their noses get so huge and red... of course he didn't say that till the swelling had gone down cuz he knew it'd make me cry, hahaha. It was pretty bad though... he was like, "babe, it was so big and shiny and tight- I could see my reflection in it and it hurt to look at it." I said, "You noticed that?" And he just started laughing. Wellll, I'm laughing now! OK, got to get back to sleep... I just had to write this because I am so happy :) I was terrified that my dermatomyositis was coming back but looks like it was just the new chemo pills, THANK GOD!!!!!!!

2011-08-25T06:37:00.005-04:00

Not much new is going on. Tyler went back to Ashland... makes me so sad. I hate him being so far from home! But I am really proud of him- he worked his butt off this summer, saved some money, bought all of his books. And he wants to go on a mission trip next year... so he has totally set up a St. Pattys day triathlon @ Ashland to raise money for the trip. I mean he did sooo much work for this thing. He created a website, is still in the process of getting sponsors, opened special bank acct, created the event course, designed t-shirts, arranged for food/drink supplies, etc. I hope I will be able to go and volunteer-passing out food & drinks or something. I am just so proud of him!

Levi has resumed school, 7th grade!!! Oh my! Where has the time gone? I just cannot believe my baby is in jr. high. He's not a baby anymore.... 5ft 1 inch! Before you know it I will be looking at him eye to eye. He is really starting to grow. He still tells me he loves me when I drop him off at football, I hope that never ever changes :) I am excited to see how this school year goes... hoping he does well with his schoolwork, he became so independent last year and did soooo much better. It all of a sudden wasn't the struggle it used to be- thank God, because Lord knows that me helping him wasn't much help at all, lol. I worry about math, but I am sure he will be just fine.

Jess is working at a coffee shop in Tipp, it is gorgeous! I walked in and thought... this is what I want my home to look and feel like. It's beautiful! She really likes working there alot. Low stress that you don't take home with you- I can relate to that one. I think she will miss her students though, we'll see. She has all of a sudden become "crafty" and I love it, makes me laugh. She's turning into me. Except she is far more creative. She's refinishing an antique desk, making shelves and different wall art from old things. I am happy to see her doing this because Tyler always got credited with being the artistic one, when secretly she is too. She draws and paints as well. I just think it's so good for her to express that part of herself. LOVE IT!

Zack is still working at Home Depot. He's been getting full time hrs, so thats been really good. He has had several interviews, but no luck. The job market just pretty much sucks. I feel bad for them- college degrees and loans... and nothin! I hope he is able to find something soon, don't think he really likes working there so much. But at least its a job for now.

2011-08-03T22:38:00.003-04:00

What a day today! I woke up so happy, ready to accomplish the world. I tried to work on my budget... after 3 hours of trying to download some kind of table or spreadsheet (that wasn't working out) I was growing quite frustrated and stressed out. And really, who wants to stare at their bills for that long? hahaha. I also forgot to take my pain pill, so the chest pain started again. For those of you who don't know, I went to the hospital Monday for chest pain, and that doesn't describe at all how bad it was. I was begging God to get me out of my body... it felt like I was being stabbbed in the chest (we're talking 7 hrs of this total) with every little breath or movement. Ends up I have pericarditis and a pericardial effusion (fluid around my heart & heart lining inflamed probly from a virus because I also had NO immune system, my counts were just about zero). Anyhoo, then I got into my car, stepped on the gas, and as I was turning/ backing up I crashed into Jessi's new car! Really? Did that just happen? I did a good job though... my car was rendered undriveable! Which was fantastic for my Dr appt that I was clearly going to be late for now. So, after saying alot of really bad words- I mean real bad, kicking the driveway, crying, and having diarrhea- because this isn't the 1st time I've wrecked my car this way :) and how in the world am I gonna tell Paul I did it yet again............ I quit for the day. I was just done. I took a shower before my appt and just sobbed, didn't even really wash myself. Just stood there crying for like 5 minutes. I know I'm always preaching to look at the bright side, blah, blah, blah... but I just wanted to crawl in bed and go back to sleep.

BUT, there is a silver lining here... I needed to get my car looked at because the left front side/wheel was shaking... was probably something pretty expensive so I've been putting it off... and because I was turning while backing out (at a high rate of speed) I happened to smash my ENTIRE left front side, including the door, front panel, tire! So, my theory now is that it was a blessing in disguise... it'll only be $250.00 for my deductible, instead of possibly hundreds. hahaha. I am laughing now, but it surely was not funny earlier.

Anyway, just wanted to update you that my appt went SO good! My blood counts are back up... actually in normal range! woop! woop!Thank you neupogen shots! So I am fricking outta isolation! Thank you Jesus, I couldn't stand one more second of that damn mask! I had holes in the dumb things from licking them constantly to poke them out of my mouth. My plateletes are still dropping really low, but whatev... can get a transfusion for that- easy fix. My point to all of this is... the chemo I got last Mon (Alimta) has officially kicked my ass. I have no bone marrow reserve and cannot tolerate it... so THANK GOD IN HEAVEN I got the new chemo pills or I'd be sol without a paddle right now and have absolutely no options to keep fighting. And THAT is my silver lining today too.... I was totally letting dumb, nonimportant "stuff" overwhelm me and got all stressed out (which is usually so not me). When really, all we can control is our reaction to life/people/circumstances. So I'm back on track- carpe diem! It was actually really nice- Jess, Wyatt, and I had a nice dinner at Bob Evan's after my appt, talked alot. Then Sarah & Eric stopped by for a visit and we did some back deck sittin. And the bottom line is I am so blessed that I have those little pills in my hand (thank you anthem) and as soon as my platelets come up I can start to fight again! YAY! super duper YAY! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness that I got em!

Sidenote..so when Levi dropped Tyler's less than 1 yr old laptop off the counter tonight and it doesn't work now, I just took a sip of my margarita and said.... "Don't say another word, let's just save that for tomorrow." LOL!!!

p.s. Paul didn't act mad at all, but the poor thing has celiac blisters all over his face & I know it's stress cuz he has been so strict on his diet. He can try to act strong and hide it, but the body doesn't lie. God bless him... it's never a dull moment with me, and not in a good way, lol. I love that man and I hope and pray for some calmness around here before he has a heart attack! I better knock on some wood STAT!

2011-07-27T22:22:00.004-04:00

OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a difference a day makes! I FOR SURE got the drug that we didn't think my insurance would pay for! THEY SHIPPED IT LAST NIGHT AND IT ARRIVED AT MI CASA TODAY! Say what??? This is crazy greatness! It feels like everything is always so uphill... histoplasmosis recurrence in Nov.- delayed chemo, shingles in Jan.- again, delayed chemo & cancer started spreading, not getting chemo covered by insurance & having to try another one, blah blah blah! FINALLY something is going my way! I was at the pool store when I got the call and I just started balling with pure, utter joy and relief! I was shaking because I thought that by the time I would "maybe" get this drug, it might be too late. My little Levi was with me and I know he was just trying to piece together my phone conversation and when we walked out he asked me what it all meant, and it felt like heaven on earth to be able to tell him something good and happy for once with regard to this stupid cancer deal! I cannot tell you how it felt to see hope in his eyes! For once, he wasn't dropping his shoulders, head down, trying not to cry. Hallelujah!!! Thank you for this very moment God! My sweet little boy- the love of my life, finally gets to feel happy and not scared for a minute!It has taken every single ounce of courage and strength I have inside to stay positive and be strong throughout these past months... and despite it all- I am absolutely OVERCOME with relief, excitement, and most of all praise to God! I literally feel the weight of the world lifted from me. Thank you God so, so much! Guess you must have felt sorry for my pathetic butt on the bathroom floor at chemo the other day, lol. I KNOW God has carried me through this whole journey... even though, if I am 100% honest, I have felt abandoned by Him at times. Sometimes it has felt in my heart like my cries and prayers have been useless and unheard. But I know that those feelings are my emotions getting the best of me when I'm not getting what I want. I knew from the start this wouldn't be easy, and I have HAD to trust Him completely! And I do!!! It all goes back to Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans He has for me... to give me hope and a future (in this life and the next!) That is my favorite verse of all time- it has always sustained me through all the hard things I've been through in my life. It has always given me hope, thankfulness, and intense drive to press on in search of the good. But then, when I almost died from histo a few years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed and didn't feel right. The fever started, I could gauge it was at least 102, the shivering had begun, the hip bone pain becoming unbearable again, usual events at night... but this time it was different, I felt so dizzy and lightheaded. Everything was getting dark, I started to feel like I was dying so I said to myself, "self... DO NOT close your eyes!", so I found a spot on the wall to focus on so I wouldnt go to sleep... I knew if I did that was it, it would all be over. And it took me at least 10 or 15 minutes to gather the strength to hit the nurse call button that was lying right next to my head... that is how weak/ out of it I was. I just couldn't muster the strength. I had to think about it for a long time until I could make my arm do what my mind was telling it to. I was so scared. And of course it was the 1 and only night Paul went home ( only at my absolute insistance) and I was all alone. God, I was scared to death. Anyway.. the nurse came, checked my vitals (new, young nurse of course, lol) and when my BP was 70/40 she freaked out and said she was going to call the doctor and LEFT ME ALONE in my room! wtf? I was seriously panicked at this point, because she didn't come back for a very long time. There I was... lying in this bed, felt like I wasn't really attached to my body anymore, just trying to hold my eyes open (they were SO heavy) to look at that speck on the wall to stay awake. And I was thinking- open up my IV fluids- I need a bolus, put my bed in reverse trendelenburg, I am fading fast... why did you leave me, you dumb nurse?!? Start some dopamine! Anything, just get back here! I wanted to get out of my bed and perform these tasks but I could not move a muscle. And then it was so weird, I was all "foggy" and I closed my eyes... and someone (God, I am pretty sure) spoke to me. It wasn't a voice I could hear, it was more like a "knowing" that was being revealed to me. See, that bible verse has always gotten me through my entire life, but I had always thought it pertained to my earthly life. And now, lying in that bed feeling panicked that I was going to die, I had this overwhelming peace and knowledge that what that verse means is that His plan for me is for me to prosper both by becoming the best, most loving person I can be here and fulfilling my potential and recieving great love from my family and friends... but also when I get called home. That when I go home to His arms, it is nothing I can imagine in this life because it is so beautiful and I will be happy and filled with everything we desire here. It was AMAZING... and I was totally ok to go at that moment. I was really happy. I wasn't really in my bed anymore. Total peace. But then that nurse came back & saved the day, hahaha. For which, btw, I am so thankful she did! Even though it was 45 minutes after she left my room! (I remember I had looked at the clock before I zoned out.) Seriously though.. I cannot put into words, there just aren't any, to convey how relieved I am!!! I didn't want to die then, and here I am... I've been given 3 years since then. And now... hopefully with this new drug I will be given even more time that I have been DESPERATELY praying for! I mean, I am not afraid to die at all... but I adore my life, my family, my friends... I'm just not ready yet! I would love to see my baby grown, for Wyatt to maybe be able to remember me, to be around to help Jessi and Zack... to see Tyler married, maybe meet his baby, spend amazing, fun time with my husband! I just want to be here to enjoy and cherish all that God has given us here! I FRICKING LOVE MY LIFE!!! So, I am asking anyone reading this to get on your knees when you think of me, and pray with me the second part of my prayer... that this "new" drug will help me the way it has other late stage thymic cancer patients. Pray for more time for me, please! Thank you to every single soul out there who has held me and my family up in your thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed with so much care, concern, love, and prayers... and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support! I couldn't do this without all of you :) Sorry for all the rambling... I don't even know how I got so off the subject, hahaha. All I was going to blog was that I got Sorafenib! YEAH!!! Woop! Woop! SO awesome!!!! I'm so happy!!!!

K, I am so tired... night night! ttyl.

2011-07-26T05:45:00.002-04:00

Hello! I am feeling so much better today! Boy, yesterday was awfully tough. We went to my Dr. appt and "saw" the reality of my cancer progression on my pet scan... I am never looking at those again, lol. It's one thing to know it in your head... but to see your own body and all those stinking tumors filling up your insides, whew, it's a hard pill to swallow. And to hear the words, "it's about quality of life... blah, blah, blah." I HATE that phrase!!! Just hate it. Because I do so well living out loud and feeling really happy except when I get those damn scans. It is way better not knowing because I don't look (now that I have hair again- thank God) or feel "sick" at all! And that's the way I like it. I spent so much wasted, negative energy yesterday crying my eyes out the entire time at chemo. And it was the ugly cry, hahaha.I did good at my Dr. appt, but wow... when I walk into that stinking treatment room... and all those people lined up in chairs like a factory assembly line, looking frail and like they are dying. I just couldn't take it yesterday. I had to get up and go into the bathroom, where I fell onto the floor and sobbed and prayed. And when I got back into my chair I did ok, until I would look at Jill or Lisa, or when I would think. And that's not me! I refuse to give this cancer power over my happy little soul! That is who I am... happy-go-lucky, see the good in everything, spontaneous, fun, thankful... love my life. So that is where I am this morning, I absolutely refuse to grieve what "might" be. Proverbs 3:5... I trust Him with ALL of my heart, not gonna try to lean on my own undertsanding. amen. I mean... it is what it is, I can't control my destiny to a certain extent, and I am so totally blessed with a VERY good & happy life... so I choose to roll with that! I thought of the card Tim & Anne got me at the beginning of all of this... it said to be fierce. I loved that card and that word means so much to me. Fierce... I will be fierce about living my life to the absolute fullest! I am so lucky for how bad my cancer is that I have very little symptoms. Sometimes after I eat I have a little discomfort under my right ribs... but that's it! How awesome is that! I thank God every single day for feeling completely healthy. What an amazing gift, blessing. So.... thank you God again today... you rock!

I was so happy last night too... my brother David came over... it was so nice to hang out and talk. What a great way to turn the day around and end it on a good note. I also want to thank you- Sarah and Laura, I really don't know what I would do without you two! You are such treasures. You always know exactly the right thing to say to me to make me feel better. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. I am super excited, Laura is going to take a week off of work early September and spend it with me. I am so happy! I miss my girl so bad... and I desperately need her by my side :) yay!!! Then mid Sept. Paul Lisa, Phil, Levi, and I are going to Tops Sail Island in NC for an entire week! I want my other kids to go too... will have to see if they can get out of work/school. It was supposed to be just us 4 adults, but with how my health is- I want my babies (all 5 of them) with me too. I cannot wait! I love love love the ocean/beach! Although shark week is next week on TV, and they freak me out totally. And I just heard 2 very disturbing things... a little 4 yo girl was bitten by a shark recently in only 18 inches of water, and here's the kicker... Top Sail Beach is #3 beach for most shark infested waters! Someone may have been messing with me, I need to google that stat to verify! lol. Did I really pick that place? What was I thinking? Oh well, I don't really swim in the ocean, I just love to walk the beachline in shallow water and hunt for crabs at night, and collect shells. I think that just may be my favorite thing in the world to do. And I am super excited because the Ritz in Ft. Lauderdale gave us a book on building kick ass sand castles and a beach cookbook that we will for sure use in NC. Awww, I am thinking about Christine from there. She was so loving, a great lady. I will never forget her hug she gave me when we left. :) I need to send her an email.

Jill, Lisa, and esp Paulie... want you to know HOW MUCH I love you and I am so sorry for what you have to go through on my bad days, that is what pains me so, so deeply! But thank you for taking such good care of me and holding me up when I can't stand. How lucky am I to have people who love me so much! That's what it is all about, huh? Sticking together through everything. And even though it is so hard and feels unbearable at times, we have more good and happy times together than bad... and when you put it all together, it makes life so beautiful. All of it. Despite cancer, we are so blessed to have eachother and love eachother like we do. :) :) :)

Hope whoever is reading this takes the time to choose to be happy today and not waste time fighting, being angry, sad, or depressed. Be love, give love... always.always. always.

p.s. Laura, I hope you have enjoyed your reign as scrabble champion, but I will redeem myself... and you will NOT win again! I promise you. hahaha.

2011-07-24T23:13:00.002-04:00

So, I have new pet scan results... liver tumors are bigger and there are several new ones! (in just 6 weeks while getting chemo) Pretty much sucks, but what are you gonna do? Chin up and fight on!!! I see my doctor in the morning and I am really eager to start a new chemo. I haven't had any for almost 3 weeks, my platelets were too low again. Which kinda made me suspect that the chemo wasn't working too well. But at the time all I heard was I'd be getting a chemo break, and was like wohooo! NOOOO chemo... I am totally down with that. hahaha. Now I am like, hurry up and shoot me up with some poison! Like, yesterday! lol. I researched stuff online all weekend and I am VERY excited about 1 drug that has helped several thymic cancer patients that are refractory to standard, current therapies available. One dude went 9 months with no progression of disease, idk what has happened to him since.. but I would give just about anything for my shit not to grow for 9 months! But, of course, it isn't FDA approved for thymic cancer yet (grrr) so I pulled some case reports for my doc to fight insurance co to get it approved/paid for. So please say a prayer for me that I can get this drug... I need it BAD, REAL BAD! It is the only drug I have found that has worked with late stage TC that are resistant to other chemos. And my cancer is growing just about as fast as the weeds in my garden, lol. And at this point I am really frustrated, pissed off actually. I am so ready for one of these chemos to do something for a change! But, idk, maybe they are (slowing it) working a little. Maybe if I weren't getting these drugs I wouldn't be here right now... who knows. So, I just have to have courage and keep on keepin on :) I gave Paul a John Wayne frame that says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway!" I just love that quote, so true! OK, enough on that... I am done talking and thinking about dumb cancer! (well, after my appt in the morning.)

Other news; My cousins Karla & mike, their daughter Brittney, and my Uncle Karl came to visit me on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing them & spending time with them. We got all caught up and had some good laughs. Planning on a girls night in the fall. Will be fun time, can't wait.

Also, Ty is done working at Lowes until he goes back to Ashland and I am sooo happy! I have hardly seen him all summer and I miss my boy. Hoping to spend some good time together over next couple of weeks. I just love that kid! He is funny, so sweet, good to talk to.... wise beyond his years. It's funny, I'm supposed to be the mom, but he helps me so much to "get through" some of my rough moments. His faith is AMAZING! I love that about him so much. He has never changed who he is for anyone, always stood his ground with his values and beliefs. I'm so proud of the man he is. Oh, funny story- last week he was working, came home for dinner, went back to work. I knew he was working until 9 and at 10pm I thought, maybe it was until 10pm. Now I have to tell you, Tyler always asks permission to go anywhere, even though he is almost 19. It's so sweet. So, anyhoo... I fell asleep on the couch waiting up for him, wondering where in the world he was. I woke up at 1am totally panicked. Jill had come here after work and was awake so I asked her to check if Ty's car was here. She went outside and said nope. Then I started the OCD text messages and phone calls to his cell. No response, no answer. Jill tried to call her house to see if he had gone there after work, but no answer- everyone was obviously sound asleep. By 2am I was freaking out! I called his aunt, grandma, friends. He was nowhere. Then I called the po-po with a knot in my stomach. This isn't Tyler, he would never not let me know where he was, he'd never stay out all night. (If this had been Jess I'd just be irritated that she was doing this & wouldn't be worried or scared at all.) So whoever I talked to said there had been no accidents and since he was 18, not much I can do. I explained the situation and she said she would have a sheriff return my call right away. I was debating which way Tyler would have driven to work so I could go drive the route. I went and woke up Paul, extremely stressed out... and Paul said, "He came home from work, took a shower and went to Jill's." I thought to myself, what??? HOW did I miss that??? I mean, I know my memory is awful, but come on. I was so exhausted (at this point it was 3am) that I decided to believe him. Paul is always on it. The phone rang, I told the sheriff I felt like an idiot, but we knew where he was, thank God! I tried to fall asleep but something kept nagging me that Paul was not fully awake and didn't know what the heck he was saying. Ty would have told me!!! I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 am. OK, so heres the funny part... I wake up at 7ish to find a note from Jill... seems Tyler was home in bed the WHOLE time!!! She just didn't "see" his car in the driveway. He had pulled up farther than normal so it was blocked from view. OMG!!! I was so tired that entire next day after being up all night for NOTHING!!! I coulda killed her, lol. He was laughing his butt off when he looked at his phone that morning...why hadn't I just checked his bed? Gooooood question. hahaha

Other news... Levi is almost as tall as me and it is freaking me out! He has been my little baby boy for so long, but I cannot deny any longer that puberty has arrived. So sad! He is in the "I am too cool to hold your hand or act like I love you in front of anyone" phase and it is killing me. He has been talking about adult things that I didn't even know he knew! I knew it was coming, just not ready for it. I keep reminding him that he promised to still hold my hand and be snuggly with me forever, even when he is a teenager and a grown man. I guess I shouldn't expect it in public. And he does still love on me at home as long as noone else is around, guess that'll have to suffice. Ohhh, I am not ready for this. I want my baby to stay a baby forever, lol. He did say, "I love you mom" in front of his friends, so that is totally cool. Hope that never changes. He is so adorable and he makes me laugh so much. He is hilarious. I can't believe some of the things he comes up with.But I laugh after he is out of earshot, I try not to encourage him. I have to be "mom". He reminds me so much of me sometimes it's scary!

Real quick, because I am really tired & about to fall asleep... Jess is doing awesome, she looks and feels great. She is such a good little momma. Makes my heart absolutely melt when I watch her with Wyatt. I can't believe sometimes that that's my little girl holding her little baby. I remember so clearly holding her that way, looking at her that way, singing to and rocking her. It just makes me smile and feel so happy inside. Zack is so sweet with him too, I just LOVE it! He is a lucky, blessed little baby, that's for sure. He couldn't be loved more, especially by his gigi! :) I freaking adore him! Being a grandma is unbelievably awesome, no words really. I just can't wait for him to smile and "talk" to me :) ok, going to bed. nighty night!

2011-07-16T18:15:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't posted in so long. Been so busy with the arrival of my new grandbaby, going to Indian Lake, treatments, and then I was sick last week. So, quick post... as I am at Peggy's house right now... and I got a verbal beating for not blogging! So little Wyatt Joseph Baird was born on June 26th, after 22 hours of labor & a c-section... thank God baby and mom are healthy and happy. He is sooooooo stinkin beautiful!!! And he has the best little personality... laid back, never cries. Well, hardly ever. Just when he wants his GiGi to hold him. lol. I have been on cloud nine since his birth. Even when I was sick last week, there are no bad days... just look over and see his lil sweet face, ahhhh... life is gooood. If you wanna see his newborn pics just check me out on facebook. ( I never really get on there except to put pics up, haha). Anyhoo, I promise I will blog more... I have been being harrassed about this alot lately. But I gtg for now, we are having a cookout at Jim & Peg's, sitting at their beautiful tiki bar having drinks and having fun with friends. What a great night. Tim, Anne, Lisa, Phil.... hurry up and get here! Ohhhh, "come sail away" just came on the radio... we all sound so good singing! heeheehee. peace out for now! oh, and 2morrow we are getting a swimming pool... WOHOOOOO!!!!! yay, yay, yay!!!!! Cannot wait!!!!

2011-06-15T07:06:00.016-04:00

So, here are some Indian Lake pictures so far this summer. We've been having a good time up there. This past week has been pretty good! I got my new chemo, its not too bad... just feel tired alot, if that's it... I'll take it! My hair is coming back in, this time I'm blonde! I'll take that too!!! Thank God it isn't pure snow white again, that was hard to swallow. It was pretty freaky looking in the mirror and seeing 80 years old on the top of my head, hahaha. I told Paul now I'm gonna be like a playboy bunny, lol. So I went to Kings Island with Angie, Dana, and all our kids... so much fun! I looooove roller coasters and it had been a long time since I had rode one. It suprised me though, because Levi (who fears nothing!) was afraid to ride the big ones. I think I pretty much scarred him when he was little- when I made him ride and laughed the whole time when he wasn't really digging it so much. Hopefully he will get back on that horse someday. But we rode some fun smaller ones, swam, and did old time portraits... which I have to say he looked so cute in his old, wild west clothing! He was loving the guns they had, imagine that! It was a great day. Thanks Angie & Dana! Other than that just been spending time at the lake, fishing & swimming. Levi is on a mission; there is a monster catfish he is bound & determined to catch. It broke his line, so we got a new line and weighted hook that will hold 60 pounds.. I'll let you know when he catches it!Jill and the kids came up, Tobi came home from Louisiana before he heads off to Guam. I love that boy! And, as you can see in the pic above, I had great fun painting his friend, Nick's toes while he slept by the fire. Ahhh, good times! I have to go for now, it took way to long to upload these pics and I have much to do today. Oh, I almost forgot... Jess is dilated to 2cm!!! woop!woop! Wyatt is on his way soon! Can't wait to kiss those lil fat cheeks! They look VERY fat on the U/S from last week. heeheehee. Will post again soon... have a wonderful day! I will! :)

2011-06-07T21:25:00.002-04:00

Well, I just read what i wrote this morning... and I am sorry for cursing like that. So, that was Sybil (my alternate personality)... I am back now. lol. I feel so much better. Jill and I took the boys to the pool and it was a beautiful, sunny day, for which I am so thankful. Summer and the sun make it really hard not to have a good day. I got all of that out this am, then I was like... ok janet, don't waste a day... on with it. I have to not think about the future. It's funny, I have such an easy time leaving the past in the past. But it's much harder to only live in the present. But today I feel great, like I said- it doesn't even feel like I have cancer, so I'm gonna roll with that... just kinda pretend I don't. I am going to try my best to absolutely enjoy every moment I am given. And that won't be difficult at all! Levi is out of school for the summer, yay yay yay! And little Wyatt will be here in a couple of weeks! LIFE IS GOOOOD! And ya know... there are so many ways this could be worse... my kids, husband, family, and friends are healthy! I would rather it be me ANY day rather than them. What about people who can't have children, or lose their children, or many other worse scenarios out there that other people are living and suffering. And like I said, I feel totally normal, so that is truly amazing and awesome. Update; I am not going to take this lying down... so I go to IU in Indianapolis tomorrow to see the thymic cancer guru in the nation- we'll see what he has to say/offer, and then Monday we are traveling to Pittsburg to a liver cancer center. They got me in so fast- thank God. I will not give up hope... I REFUSE!!!! And I will not become some pathetic, depressed Debbie Downer chic either! Chin up high... let's roll! Cause I don't have time for this crap, need to get it fixed! There's always a first to be cured from something, right? I pray it's me! And until I'm dead... I believe it can happen! I will continue to hope beyond hope and trust God with ALL of my heart. I will not lean unto my own understanding (prov 3:5) but live on blind faith in His plan for me and all of us.

2011-06-07T05:40:00.002-04:00

Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.

2011-05-31T16:40:00.002-04:00

Wow! What a great weekend! My little girl got MARRIED!!! It was soooo beautiful, outside at Clifton Mill, with the sun shining. It was just very intimate and romantic and heartfelt. She was absolutely radiant, beaming with love and joy. Hearing them say their vows took my breath away. It's the best wedding I have ever been to... and I am not saying that because it's my daughter! It was PERFECT! And I am so thankful for the man who is now my son, what a blessing to our family! It was such a happy day, and I only cried once during prayer- so noone saw me, lol. I got all the crying out the day before when I picked up her bouquet and cake. I could not stop the tears... it felt like when they got on the big yellow bus for the first time. I used to say "bittersweet", but it was alllll sweet! They were very, very happy tears and I'm just thankful I was there! I am so very excited for her, for the beginning of her adult life. Zack will take such good care of her& I know they are going to be really happy together. And.... I CANNOT wait much longer for little Wyatt! Come on baby and get here... granny needs to kiss you all over! The anticipation is killing me!!! Ok, maybe granny doesn't work, hahaha. I don't like "grandma", but I don't know what else to call myself. Oh well, I'll just let him pick a name for me :)

That's all I've got for today, it is TOO hot to be sitting here without the a/c on yet. I'll upload some pics later. Hurry up & get home from work Paulie and put those window units in!!! jeesh. ( I guess I am the one who wanted country living, haha.)

2011-04-28T14:02:00.002-04:00

So, here I sit. At Miami Valley hospital, again. Blah~!!! I am getting another blood transfusion. Guess I've gotta look at it like I'm gearing up for my vacation! Ya know, instead of hitting the tanning booth... I'll hit up some RBCs for oxygen & energy. lol. O well, could always be worse! That's for sure.

So chemo sucked this week. Had a horrible reaction this time: cumulative effect. Sybil (my alternate personality) came back unexpectedly. I really don't like her!!! She's so wimpy and just cries. She wanted to quit chemo altogether. So I told her to get out and don't come back! hahaha. Paul's out of town on business, and as Jill and I were leaving the house for tx yesterday, Levi tripped and busted his lip at school & needed stitches. Just perfect. Thank God for good friends, Mindy took care of Levi for me, then Dr M. gave me some drugs and i am feeling better. Enough on that. Just thinking that if you are having a bad day, at least you're not me! lol.

OK, can't keep my eyes open. gtg. Be sure to check out Ritz Carlton in Ft Lauderdale... CANT BELIEVE WE ARE GOING!!! ohhh, the beach, the waves, snorkeling in Key Largo, ahhhhhh! Oh, I am going to sleep happy now. Just a few more days :)

2011-04-25T11:01:00.003-04:00

Lots to write about! First, the excitement and anticipation of this Friday is consuming me! The royal wedding is only 4 days away!!! I am excited because Jill and I are going dress shopping as soon as we get done (at chemo-blah!) She thinks I am a total wierdo because if she wants to come over I am insisting we dress up as if we are in attendance. HOW FUN!!!! The suspense is killing me... what will Kate be wearing? What will her bouquet look like? Will the carriage be open or covered? I hope it doesn't rain! An open carriage ride after the ceremony would be awesome!

Uhhhm, just thought about the time difference! OK, change of plans- dangit! Oh well, Jill will be happy we are wearing pajamas. lol. That sucks! I was really excited to get all dressed up and "go" to the wedding.

OK, so secondly... I got picked from the Jack & Jill foundation (they grant vacations for stage 4 cancer people) for a family trip! All expenses paid! So in less than 2 weeks we are heading to the Ritz Carlton in Fort Lauderdale WOOP! WOOP! google it if you have time, it is crazy! I looked at the pics and was thinking, oh my gosh, everything is white! Guess we won't be bringing crabs and lizards back to our room. lol. We are going to Key Largo for a day to go snorkeling. I just can't wait to leave this fricking place and be in the sunshine! My favorite place to be is the beach! Any beach, anywhere! Well, Enon beach not included- hahaha. And I am so happy we will all be together, all of us as a family again! Me, my baby, and my babies! Yeah!

2011-03-25T08:09:00.003-04:00

I am still waiting on blogging lessons from Jessi. hahaha. I haven't seen much of her lately... she works at the school by day and Lowes (or Blowes as she calls it,lol) in the evening. She is so tired! Poor lil girl! Well, we all had to work hard in the beginning, so this is life! Not alot is new here. Jess, Levi, and I went to the circus, it was absolutely terrible. I will never go to another one! Those poor animals. Tigers pacing back & forth, over and over in tiny little cages. (I got a behing the scenes look outside.) A worker yelling at the elephant, "knock it off!" It was so sad. And they loaded those tigers in a semi, one on top of another like crates of cargo, in the dark. So I got home and googled them... apparently they can go up to 9 days in those cages without proper exercise. That just breaks my heart! And I paid money to enable this- ugh! Ok, I'll get off my soap box.

So, not alot is new here. My platelets (for clotting) have stayed too low for chemo. I also got 2 units of blood, my hgb was low and I had noooo energy. I just couldn't get up off the couch! I feel so much better now... ready to go dancing! well, maybe not dancing. hahaha. I was feeling really stressed about being 2 weeks behind with chemo, but it all happened for a reason. We are scratching the chemo with steroids and picking a whole different one! I cannot put into words how much distress I felt, insurance denied the other drug again. But I stuck to my guns and refused the chemo with steroids, saw the specialist for thymic cancer @IU, and now we are totally switching. Something in my gut said don't do it. I have ignored that little voice too many times over the past 4 years, but not this time. I really don't care if people think I'm a PIA anymore, I have to listen to my body and that 6th sense... this is my LIFE we are talking about! Ok, done with stupid cancer update.

Today Paul is off work, and I have a suprise overnight getaway planned. He doesn't know where we are going and I LOVE it! We are going to Cinci to spend time with Tim and Anne (his bestest friend). Nothing huge, but a nice little mini vacation. I'm so happy, I need outa here! I've decided I have way too much time on my hands to think, not good sometimes! So I am going to start, or should I say finish, some projects.

Have a great weekend, hug and kiss the ones you love... enjoy every minute you have been given! Peace out.

2011-03-09T23:23:00.019-05:00

Me, Shanda, Emily, & Allison. (My OB girls I used to work with.Oh, the fun we used to have on night shift!) I love you guys!!!!

Jessi popping out!

Above;our anniversary night out at La Piazza

Above right; Zack, me, & Tyler when we met Laura for lunch.

Ok, so I hate computers! ugh!!! It took me 3 days to get these pictures on here, and I have accidentally deleted several...multiple times. Then last night I saw Jess on her baby blog, editing away! She was able to move stuff all around & add captions to her pictures! I am going to have to get lessons from her, because my template is horrible!!! So, there's a picture of Levi and me missing, as well as Laura and me. And I am done trying! lol.

Paul and I had an awesome anniversary! I had to do it big this year (because I'm tired of hearing about how I forgot our 1st anniversary, lol). So, I arranged for a massage at our house for him one night, the next we went out to our favorite restaurant. I also arranged for 3 future dates; next Thurs we are supposed to go to Wildwood Inn Suites in Florence KY, and fri night is a surprise 2nd over-nighter. Then I got gift certificates for Ye Old Tavern in Yellow Springs- so we can spend a day hiking at Clifton Gorge & then go to the tavern to eat. Ummm, I can't remember the 3rd date right now, but I will! Lol, typical me... I also have CRS! Can't remember shit! haha. Oh, and I bought Paul a new leather recliner for his man-room and made him a photo album via shutterfly with every picture ever taken of the 2 of us, it tells our love story.I loooove it, it is beautiful!(All thanks to Tommy's Sarah for helping me!!! I owe you BIG) I did good, heeheehee.

Cancer update; the chemo I got has made my histo levels rise again (because of the steroids). And I couldn't get chemo this week because my platelets are too low. So, my doctor wanted to switch me to a different drug (the same one, but it's made differently so there's no need for steroids) but insurance denied it initially, and it takes 30 days to appeal them. And then if they deny it again we can request the drug company to donate it, which basically gives them a free clinical trial, but again, we are talking another 30 days. So the whole situation just sucks because I have to just continue with the chemo w/steroids and if I get sick with full blown histo, chemo is out all together, to treat the histo again. And we all know that no chemo= cancer growing like crazy. Not good! So I have been very sad and overwhelmed, knowing there's a drug out there that works, that I need, and I can't get it right now. I have been sooooo frustrated... because this is potentially my life we are talking about. And it is a bunch of crap that they won't pay for it now, and that could kill me. So yesterday I called and said I will just put it on my credit card & pay for the drug myself, $5,500. And then the most wonderful thing happened! A nurse there (my angel!) took it into her hands, contacted insurance and did not take no for an answer, demanding an expedited review/request. She worked so hard on this, talking on the phone, filling out & faxing needed paperwork, etc. She declared it a medical emergency and insurance is now going to have an answer within 72 hrs.! And if they say no, she is going to do the same thing with the drug co.When I found this out I just started sobbing-very happy tears of joy and relief. I feel like for the past 4 years I have endured a ridiculous string of bad luck & complications. It was very, very overwhelming to feel like there was nothing I could do to get the treatment I need, and to know that this one situation could possibly change everything in a bad way- quite possibly be the catalyst to the beginning of the end. FINALLY... something good was happening! I felt like a mountain was literally, instantly lifted off of my shoulders! Thank you God!!!! Thank you God!!! So this morning I am one extremely happy girl! Lesson learned (again, lol)... "trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart" prov 3:5. I have to remember I am not alone in this, even when it feels like it... I know He is here, totally in control of every single thing :)

And then yesterday had a perfect ending to the day... I got to see my sweet, beautiful, little baby Wyatt on ultrasound! Oh my gosh, he is PRECIOUS!!! He is almost 2 pounds, and has the fattest cheeks, little puggy button nose, and big lips! I can't wait to kiss them!!!!! I cannot wait for that little guy to get here. He is so funny, every U/S he has his little legs crossed at the ankles and always has his arms over his head. It looks like he is just lying there chillin out. hahaha. But he isn't... he does flips all the time.We need a little ray of sunshine so bad! Levi is going to be the bestest little uncle! And Ty too, who is going to be home from college for the summer-YAY! I have a feeling he is going to be the light of our lives :) June can't get here fast enough! lol.

2011-02-28T14:57:00.003-05:00

I Remember you Today

One year ago today
we had to let you go...
say goodbye, tears in our eyes...
life without you we didn't want to know.

But I remember you today
with a joyful song inside my heart,
for I know it's only a little while
that we will be apart.

My beautiful sister, Terry,
I know you didn't die...
you've just moved on without us
and are waiting in the sky.

You've come to me in dreams,
and allowed for me to see
that where we go is amazing,
abounding with love and peace.

All the things about you
that we love and miss so much...
your big, brown eyes and laughter,
your ever gentle touch...

All these things live on
so deep inside my soul,
I take your spirit with me
everywhere I go.

So I remember you today-
as you live on as part of me.
I miss your hands, your touch,
miss you so much...
but I'm happy that you're free.

I will look for you in the stars,
in rainbows and butterflies,
at the edge of rolling waters,
in God's beauty in my life.

I will look for you in an embrace,
or when someone holds my hand,
in a gentle kiss upon my cheek,
in the laughter of my man.

Stronger than the pain
of having to set you free-
is the love you showed,
the way you glowed,
life's lessons you have taught me!

And soon enough, sweet soul-
I will hold you once again...
so dance and run and sing and play
until we meet in the promised land.

So I remember you today,
as every day I will...
with utter joy and thankfulness
for the life in us you filled!

I love and miss you Terry!!!

2011-02-27T14:39:00.002-05:00

It is beeeeautiful outside!!! That's all I've got today. Thank you God for warm weather!!! Makes me so happy :) I love my life!

and a happy new year!

2011-02-22T06:22:00.031-05:00

Jessi with Little baby Wyatt!!! Ty and me @ Findlay meet, I miss my baby boy so so much!

Laura came b4 chemo!!!! Thank God!

After a few margarita's we had a "janet joplin" concert, it was awesome! just us & bobbie magee! hahaha

Anne rocked her banana mike! lol

I played a mean broom!

Good food,
Good friends,
Good times,
A hot tub, good drinks,

Love, laughter, sledding, and Taboo... what more can u ask for? Me, Paulie, Anne, & Tim!

YOU HAVE TO visit Metamora, Indiana come May! It is the coolest canal town fron the 1800's with over 50 shops, train ride, horseback riding, canoeing, kayaking nearby.Canal boat still pulled by horses. Soooo very cool! Can't wait to go back when it's open! lol. And Brookville Lake is like 3 miles away!!

After I got rid of the 'ol eye herps....
Back in the chair again...shoot me up baby! Let's roll! (btw, i love love love 50 mg IV benadryl with chemo! hahaha)

Hi everyone! Well, treatment #1 down, yay! And, finally, I think I have caught a break. This one is nothing (so far) compared to last summer. A walk in the park! I was a little nauseated yesterday during infusion, but not anymore. The roids have kicked in and I am eating like crazy! Last night I ate a huge bowl of icecream with waffles and tortillas/queso dip. Then had turkey, cheese, an orange, almonds, & a banana for a snack, lol. This is a really good thing, I can't seem to get above 112 lbs. Maybe Paul will be able to call me his Plumpkin again, jk, I hated that nickname! And I really hope I don't get fat cheeks back again! The only problem I am having is the sharts. So all you OB girls- and many others- are , I know, thanking God for that. Can't toot anymore. lol. I'm sure once the steroids wear off I will nap alot, but I just feel so much better this time.Just feels like a have a touch of the flu. And mentally I am better prepared. The first time was so horrible and after watching Terry die, it was the biggest mind f#*@ ever! So now I am mentally in a much better place. Now I know chemo is just physical, just medicine thats making me feel bad, its not me dying. So, fuck you cancer!!! Get outa here!!!! Sorry I'm dropping the f- bomb, but really, I think I've earned the right when its used in the same sentence with cancer! So, how bout... I fucking hate you cancer! Get the fuck outa my body and our lives!!!! Wow, that feels good, no great! hahahaha.

I want to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE of you for your prayers, messages on my posts-help soooo much, visits, acts of love. I seriously feel overwhelming love, and it is an amazing feeling. This whole thing sucks so bad, but if I didn't have cancer I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really know I am so, so loved. Makes my heart sing with happiness :) My bff Laura came in town this weekend, so happy! Levi and her son, Connor, set traps and caught their first racoon! Connor is a city boy, so I think he thought that was pretty cool. Levi was mad I wouldn't let him kill it for it's fur to make money. lol. And Connor said we are hillbillies. (but he wanted a picture carrying the BB gun!) I told him we are country folk! hahaha. Laura and I were preggers together with those two... funny how 2 kids can be so different! Connor is younger, but huge! He looks like Levi's dad. But Levi is the one with no fear, makes me laugh to watch them. Oh, and I want to especially thank Connor for my beautiful oragamy(?) flower, blue is my favorite color and I love it! It is on my kitchen window sill so I see it every time I am at the sink, makes me smile ear to ear, sweet boy! Also, Andrew, I have Laura Ingalls Wilder right on my fridge! LOVE HER! And finally, Sara- you wrote me the most profound, beautiful letter. I treasure it so deep in my heart. Makes me feel like I can keep going, keep fighting, keep winning! I am glad my battles inspire you in some way. That makes it worth it baby girl! It is on my fridge too, so when I dont feel so strong I just read your words and remember how far I've come.

Love to you all!

2011-02-15T05:34:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted for a long time... January was really rough. I had a case of eye shingles that was horrible. And by horrible, I mean the worst thing I have been through... EVER! And I've meant to write for the last week because I have been feeling so good, but I have had so much to do after being in a narcotic coma for a month... so yesterday I was really excited to blog after my doctor appt. But, that didn't go as expected. There I was.... feeling the best I have in the past 9 months, dressed up, hair done, makeup on. Happy from our weekend at a cabin with Tim and Anne, excited to get my PET scan results and start chemo next week. Knowing they got all of the liver tumors out and this was just to kill off any floaters. Wellll, wrong-o! We learned yesterday that my cancer is back, and not just a little. It's bad, real bad. Dr. M started with the new tumor on my liver, and in my head I was thinking, ok...makes sense because I haven't had any chemo for 5 months, let's go!!! And then he continued to list more and more new tumors & body parts. It was very surreal. Very numb, in utter disbelief. Because I feel fantastic! I have been telling my family, it's like I just woke up from a bad nightmare and I feel like me again! It feels like I never had cancer. So, I now have 1 in my liver, a questionable mass in my right abdominal wall muscle, 2 in my right lung base, 1 in my left lung base, 5 in my left pleural space, something in my diaphragm (might just be inflammation), and in the right side of my skull base (very close to brain stem) theres "something". I am having an MRI of my head today to see what that "something" involves. Maybe I am desperately reaching, but I am praying that it just has something to do with the shingles. Because brain stem controls heart rate, breathing,. etc. If it's that fucking cancer this is not good. Not good at all. Seriously????? How can this be? I mean, I know this is a hiddeous cancer & I'm not dumb, I knew it would come back eventually. But so soon? And EVERYWHERE??? Wow, this really sucks. I was not, am not prepared for this. I am trying super hard to look at the good side... they are all really small, just new little sprouts. And THANK GOD they were able to do tests on those tumors and found 6 chemo drugs that kill my cancer. So that is all good stuff to focus on... except I can't focus. I have an ache in the pit of my stomach. Feel like I could throw up. Before, I had hope for cure, hope for alot of time. I feel so sad right now. All I can think about are my children, Paul, my grandson (It's a boy!) THIS SUCKS!!!! There is an ache in my soul. I have such a heavy heart. Oh, and any locals reading this... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this on the down low, I absolutley DO NOT want Levi to know any of this. That is really the only thing that matters to me right now!!! He's been really happy lately, and he doesn't need to know it has spread all over. Wanna wait to see how I respond to chemo. I will tell him it's really bad if & when he needs to know it's getting really bad. This is a small town, so I'm begging you to shhh! Please don't tell your kids!Please just give me that. God give me strength, His footprints are def in the sand right now.

2011-01-10T20:14:00.009-05:00

Happy New Year! We are so excited for a new year, we celebrated the night away! I had part of my liver removed the day before, and thanks to morphine was feeling no pain! Paul, Tyler, Levi and I went to Sarah and Eric's. We played games, did a photo shoot, and totally trashed her living room at midnight with confetti and silly string. Then we danced in a train through the house, out the door, and to the park. It was crazy fun. We laughed so much and were all so happy. I was so full of joy that night...the cancer was removed, they got it all FO SHO! Thank God...2010 was over!!! I am cancer free and ready to start a very happy new year. It's funny, people just say, "happy new year!" But for me, it isn't a mere cliche statement, I was saying and FEELING it with all of my heart and soul! lol.
I have so very much to write and post.
I am so far behind. I will explain with

my next post. This draft has been on my computer for about 3 weeks now and I finally have the time/energy to finish it and get it out there to you.

That's enough for tonight, my pain pills are kicking in. I am happy I finally finished this post! From the bottom of my heart HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY New Year to you :)

2010-12-28T22:25:00.002-05:00

Well, I was the life of the party all right! 1 glass of wine and I fell asleep. hahha. Guess radiation is starting to kick my butt. I am so tired all of the time. So I have a medical update: I now have 2 metastatic tumors in my liver. It was quite a shocker. I had a liver biopsy a couple of weeks ago, assumed it would just be fungus/histo again since that is where they found it 3 years ago. lol. We didn't tell anyone so we could have a joyful Christmas...which we did! Jessie got engaged last Thursday at the Clifton Mill lights display. Awwww, how romantic! I am sooooo happy for them, they were made for eachother. Zack is already my son anyway! Marriage will just be a formality. I have no doubt that my baby girl will always be taken care of and adored by him. And same for him. So anyway, I think these liver tumors are a blessing in disguise, because they are encapsulated and they can for sure get them totally out and the blessing is that they are going to test them with different chemos to see which one/s work. Hallelujah! No more guessing game. Watch out thymic cells, I am going to kill you off for good this time! I have joy in my heart that they found a surgical oncologist to do the operation so quickly. Guess it was good I worked there for 10 years. Actually, all the credit goes to AMAZING Dr. M! He was on vacation through all of this and came in on his days off to see me and handle all of this. He personally spoke with other physicians and made this happen. I love that man!!! He is my angel, and I pray often for God to bless his mind & heart and to work through his hands. Enough on all the cancer crap! I have to get to bed, I am being admitted to the hospital tomorrow early am and surgery is Thursday at 2:30 pm. So if you happen to think of me at that time please say a little prayer for no complications. I am a little nervous because my blood is thin right now, so I hope I don't have any bleeding issues. I try really hard to cast my cares on God (psalm 55:22) but I know too much as a nurse. lol.

2010-12-17T07:18:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's Dec 17th already. One week till Christmas eve. I love this holiday so very much, excitement is rushing through my soul! I am so thankful for this beautiful life God gave to me, and for the guarantee of my next one, thanks to sweet lil baby Jesus! It is just such a happy, joyful celebration! Speaking of joy, we have a party to go to tonight! Paul's sister Lisa had planned a party for her son, Tobi, coming home from where he is stationed in Louisiana, but at the last minute his leave was denied. Which sucks so bad, we miss Tobi so much! But, she is still going to have some people over, and she was basically begging me and Paul to still come. She's worried it will be boring. WHAT? Boring with Janet in the house! hahaha. So, today after my radiation, 1st I'm having lunch with Jill. Then I am on a mission!!! heeheehee. I am going to the Salvation Army thrift store to buy the ugliest most ho-ho-ho-rendous Christmas sweaters I can find for myself and Paulie. Funny sidenote, one time Jill and I went thrifting there, and her daughter Rachel was with us and said, "Isn't this the place where veterans shop?" Bahahaha. Woweee, really Rach?! We laughed so hard! She is soooo blonde! She got a huge eye opener that day, was a far stretch from Hollister! Anywho, I also have a karaoke machine I borrowed from Greg. My vision is to walk into Lisa's house with music blaring and me singing, "I'm coming up so you better get this party started!" (By Pink) And let me tell you, I have a beautiful singing voice! Especially since radiation has destroyed my vocal cords and I am permanently raspy. I can make it really low though, ya know, like the guy who sings the Grinch song! Hmmm, maybe I will sing that one next! "And the three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, STINK! STANK! STUNK!" Thanks Dakota, now I know those words by heart! Hahaha, Paul just told me to look for some old school plaid party pants too. I am giggling out loud right this very minute! So, I have all kinds of tricks up my sleeves for tonight... dance-off for sure, (Considering the older crowd I'm pretty sure I will win!) singing competition, taboo, etc. Should be so much fun. I just love parties. Nothing gets any better than having fun with the ones you love! Well, I have to go...too much to do today! HOLY CRAP! Paul just told me he is going to shave the top of his head to leave a big ol hula skirt! HAHAHAHA. I love it that he wants to get into character! I wish the back and sides were longer so it would be a really good hula skirt! Thats great, he's gonna look like Chester the molester with his dyke date. hmmm...i may just have to pull out one of my wigs. At least for the grand entrance. lol. CANNOT WAIT. Woop Woop! I'm gonna be singing Pink all day! :0) Have a wonderful weekend! God bless!

2010-12-11T10:41:00.001-05:00

So, top picture is my lil bean! Isn't it precious? Our little grandbaby!!! Woop! Woop! It actually looks like a little monkey. When we were gettting the ultrasound I said, "Jess, look... it has little alligator arms and its waving at grammie!" As I did my own imitation. I don't think she thought it was as funny as I did. heehee. And I keep trying to kiss it goodnight and talk to it, she says I am a freak and to leave her belly alone. I love it so much! Btw, Amy, I got the date wrong, she's due June 25th, so looks like we are on a race! I think it is awesome we are going to be grannies at the same time! Will be fun to be going through the same journey together. OK, so the next 3 pictures are hilarious. Let me preface this by telling you that I am a Christmas psycho! It's my favorite holiday (and Easter) for obvious reasons... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! Well, at our old house we had 10 or 12 ft ceilings, and I ALWAYS got the biggest, fattest tree that would make our huge rooms look small! I had always dreamed of having a live tree since I was little, so, as many of you know... I don't do anything small... I tend to be a little extreme with decorations, parties, etc. I always go way overboard. So, now at this house we have 8 ft ceilings, and the past 2 years have not felt like Christmas with my Charlie Brown trees. I was on a mission this yr. I am not going to let a house structure steal my joy for large trees! I had finally convinced myself that short was ok. I can no longer have an 11 ft tree. I said to myself, " Self, you are just going to have to make up for height with width!" Yay, I figured it out! But as I shopped, all the 7-8 ft trees were so horribly skinny and pathetic. Then, I saw it, there she was! Fate brought us together, it was love at first sight. The only 12 ft tree they had! It was magnificent! And there was so much stump on the bottom. Paul could just take his chain saw there to trim it down. PERFECT! Btw, Paul is actually Scrooge! hahaha. I drive him CRAZY with my Christmas shennanigans and singing and excitement. I tend to be a little obnoxious about it all. He just takes a deep breath and says, yes dear with my ridiculous requests, or just rolls his eyes at me. But, this year he promised to help with decorating and to be filled with joy about it. (I love the cancer card, heehee) So, I made the purchase and he went to pick it up. 1st pic is Zack, who is 6'4" holding my beloved tree. 2nd pic, Paulie starts widdling away and this is the first attempt to get it in the house. First of many as Paul quickly lost his "joy". HAHAHA. I believe that this pic is when the 1st hole was made through the ceiling. But, we finally got it in and decorated after 2 holes were made through the ceiling (quick fix-lol) and we ended up having to cut both the top and bottom off. So I fixed the top with my bush trimmers in order to reshape it back to the original tree shape. There were so many pine branches in our living room, Paul said it looked like a forest in there. But we did it, and I'll bet you that I have the FATTEST tree any of you have ever seen! It is 6 feet fat! YAY!

The bottom picture is on OSU/MICH game day. I spent it with my sissy and brothers and the rest of my family, except Don, he had to work :( Left to right.... Jillie, David, me, and Doug. We had so much fun. Okie dokie, got to go. I am dying my silver hair 2day! I finally have enough, I think, without staining my scalp. We will find out! lol

2010-12-01T08:05:00.002-05:00

Congratulations jess and zach!!!

I am going to be a granny! I am finally allowed to tell. I am so excited, my baby girl is going to be the best little mamma ever! And Zach is going to be the bestest daddy. I love him so much and I am thankful that he is part of our family. Jessie is due July 4th! What??? I told her she better not have it on the 4th, because we will be out on the boat at Indian Lake watching fireworks. lol. She already had an ultrasound and I saw our litlle "bean". He or she is going to be Beautiful!!! They both have blonde, curly hair and blue eyes. I mean Zach has a FRO when his hair is long and eyelashes that just about touch his forehead! I cannot wait to meet that little face and kiss and hold and smell it. This little soul is going to be so adored and loved! WOW, my bg (baby girl-thats what i call jessie) is preggers! We have our 1st OB visit today. Can't wait! Since Zach is finishing up his last yr at college I'm going to go with her. Thank you God for this amazing, PRECIOUS gift! New life is so wonderful! I will update you on our little bean as we move toward july!

2010-11-22T08:01:00.007-05:00

Wellllllll, what a weekend! My best friend, Laura, came to visit from the Akron area. We were so excited to spend time together and catch up. She arrived Friday night, with her son (Levi's best friend since birth) Connor. We were both tired, so we stayed in. Saturday...let's go window shopping! Laura has never been to Ikea, wohoo! We had plans to come home and take Levi to his football banquet, go to Sarah's housewarming party, church the next morning. We set out on I-75 southbound. Free from the boys, singing our hearts out to Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas," Clay Aikin's "Don't Save it all for Christmas Day," etc., feeling like fun, silly teen girls. Paul was to leave at noon to go to his nephew's 30th birthday party, we would be back by 1pm. The boys would be fine for 1hr by themselves, right?! So we get south of Dayton, dead stopped traffic for an hr, should have been our first sign to turn around and go home! But nooo, we can get there and speed shop. So after FINALLY getting there after much singing, we wonder through Ikea. I don't know if you have been there, but we are talking 2 floors, a mall in itself really. And, instead of following the arrows, we turn off to another section. Therefore, now we are lost. My cell phone rings, it's home. I am thinking, gosh, can't I just have a couple hours? So, I ignore it. It rings again, grrr. I answer, and on the other end I hear my little boy hysterical, can't understand him. Great, I am the worst mom ever! Oh my gosh, I am in fricking Cincinnati and Paul already left for the party. I call my friend Sarah who lives less than a mile from my house. She rushes over, Gus (our 3 legged amputee) had snapped at him and caught his bottom eyelid and ripped it all the way through right at the inner corner. THANK GOD FOR SARAH & ERIC!!! After turning white and gray, passing out a couple of times, and being clammy they rush him to the ER. Meanwhile I contacted Paul and he met them there. To make a long story shorter, we ended up at Childrens and having plastic surgery! His lacrimal duct was spared, thank God. The Dr. said it was 1/10th of a mm from being torn, which would have been very bad. So, now we have a tripod and a cyclopse! lol. That's Eric's line. Not really funny, I guess. But I was laughing all day yesterday, because I do have a little Stevie Wonder now. Levi "couldn't" open either eye, so he used a cane to feel his way around the house and I was also his lead/seeing eye companion. heehee. So, basketball season is now over for us and Levi is barred from gym/contact sports for 6 wks, ugh! That kid loves and needs to be physically active. But I'm just thankful that it wasn't worse. It could have been really bad. BTW, we think that Gus, who is the sweetest, most affectionate dog in the world, was just trying to warn him and protect himself. He hadn't had any pain medicine, and Levi went to lie down with him, must have hit his wound. Connor fessed up later that Levi had also been antagonizing Gus & rough housing with him. But, I am not cool with any aggression in a dog. So we are going monitor him closely, and any further change in behavior or signs of aggression then he is gone. They said in the ER it was not an attack wound, looked like nip/warning that happened to catch his eyelid. So we will see. I think Gussy will be just fine. And I think Levi learned a lesson. I have been telling him since Gus's surgery to leave him alone & quit being rough with him. And poor Laura~ drove all the way here to spend the weekend with her son alone at my house. My middle name should be drama! lol. So, I start radiation today, lung fungus is all better, yay! CT last week no changes, life is good! I feel so different this year in regard to Thanksgiving. I feel profound gratefulness for my many blessings! Happy turkey day to you! p.s. Don't do it...black friday is soooo not worth it! hahaha

2010-11-06T10:04:00.003-04:00

GREAT news!!! The biopsy was negative for cancer! Thank you God! That would have been really bad. It came back as fungus...remnant of the histoplasmosis I had 2 1/2 yrs ago. So, I have to get IV treatments through my port for 2 weeks to beat it back down. Then repeat CT, then start radiation/tomotherapy 2 wks from this coming Monday. I was in tears when I found out that I had to do IV amphotericin again, it was awful when I had it before...and I was having a panic attack about pushing back radiation. I am in REMISSION and I do NOT want the cancer to have a chance to grow again! But, I was a very sick girl back then when I got it before and I have gone through massive chemo treatments, this is just a bump in the road! lol. Got my 1st treatment yesterday at MVH, wasn't so bad. Just felt like I had the flu, and this morning I feel much better. Home health is coming tonight to "teach" Paul to do the infusions. He's a pro already! I swear, I do not know what I'd do without him, he is such an AMAZING human being. He does it all; works, takes care of the house, yard, dinner, kids, and me! And is so sweet about it, never complains or acts tired of it. He is very loving and makes me feel so protected.Anyway, Lisa, Paul's sister, talked to me and got me back on track (emotionally). I have to get back to... trust the Lord with ALL of your heart! I am just soooo thankful it is not cancer! Enough on that! So, our baby Gus is doing pretty good with just 3 legs. And Levi is gearing up for football all star tournament next weekend in Troy. Tyler is doing well at Ashland, all though he needs to text me more!!! I hope you are reading this Ty! I know you are busy, but I miss you!!! And I am going to get a poster size picture of us that says "mommy & me"! It better be hanging in your dorm room like you promised. lol. Jessi is doing well, she got a supervisor for grad school next fall, awesome! It will take her 2 yrs to finish, I am so proud of her. My other baby boy, Zack is studying hard at BG (his Sr. yr.)...not! He is taking a walking class and some other BS classes. Makes me laugh. Oh, and I am in the process of making a princess crown cake for Karson, her 5th b-day party is tonight! Actually Paul baked the cakes for me last night because I felt so yucky. Thank you saint Paul! I plan to decorate it today sometime. I am so bummed that I will miss the party tonight :( I hope the cake doesn't end up looking dumb. I watch all the cake boss, ace of cakes shows, and I have a vision in my head...hahaha. But I don't have fondant or other necessary supplies.People will probably be like, what the heck? Maybe it is a good thing I can't go. lol. I am exhausted from all of this typing, nap time for my grandma butt! BTW, Amy Ritchie! wow, so good to hear from you. I hope life is treating you well! I just love to hear from old friends. And Deaton, I miss you so much, sorry I haven't made it out to Greeneville... I will, I promise! I love you & I hope you are happy at your new job! Can't wait to catch up with you :)

2010-11-01T22:20:00.002-04:00

Biopsy done, cakewalk! I feel bad for Jill and Paulie...sitting with my drugged up self all day answering the same questions over and over and over again every time I would wake up. hahaha. Drove them nutty. And Gussy made it through his surgery without any complications. Went to visit him on my way home, poor little guy, he just laid there with his head in my lap and fell asleep while I loved on him. What a sight I'm sure...both of us were wobbly with drugged, droopy eyes. lol. But it did my heart good to hold him. Jess went to visit him tonight and I know it was just what she needed too. She was even joking about calling him tripod now. It looks so weird, he doesn't have a stump or anything, there is no leg or hip whatsoever. It is so sad, he had the cutest little sway when he walked. But, he is alive and won't have arthritis and chronic pain, and the vet assured us he will be able to run and play just as he did before. So, I am thankful to God. I really don't think I could've handled losing another dog right now. (We put my baby Maggie down Nov last year, she was my sweet baby girl for 9 years & it was very traumatic). I am beat, going to sleep now...my doodlebug (levi) is asleep on the couch next to me...he is so incredibly beautiful and he has been so very sweet the past few days...makes me happy inside :) Nighty night!

2010-10-31T18:56:00.003-04:00

One more thing , Jessica's baby puppy, Gus, was hit by a motorcycle Friday afternoon. It was horrible and his left rear leg is destroyed. They are going to amputate it tomorrow morning clear up to his hip. I feel awful, I was the one to let him out to go potty. Jess is soooo sad. My heart hurts for her and for him. Oh gosh, can't think about it anymore.

2010-10-31T18:16:00.002-04:00

Alot to report, but I don't have much time. I am back on the bipolar rollercoaster...LOL. Just kidding! Actually, I feel great. OK, going to keep this as short and sweet as I can. Went to IU, they said I have 3 options; 1. do nothing to wait & see how my cancer behaves (NO WAY), 2. procedee with tomotherapy/radiation, 3. they will do surgery to remove main left-over tumor/scar tissue. Only because of my age and prior good health. I chose tomotherapy, in order to try to kill it all now and if I stay in remission then we can do surgery down the road. Reason being that if I opt for surgery and cancer pops up again I cannot treat it until I am completely healed from surgery, and by that time it will probably have taken over. So, after painful and careful consideration, decision made, all is good. Then....BOOM, Monday I went to the hospital for left upper chest pain with inspiration, and I'm no wussy, it has to be really baad for me to go. CT showed no pulmonary emboli, yay! But it showed suspicious area (that looked like scar tissue on pet scan) in my left upper lobe that looks like cancer blob/chunk now. Soooo, I am getting up at 4:30 am tomorrow to go for a lung biopsy to check it out. Really doesn't matter....still doing radiation...but if it is cancer he will radiate the shit out of it! yay! But it will be nice to know exactly what it is. Could be histoplasmosis or inflammation too, but they think it looks an awful lot like cancer. I just want to hurry up and start radiation!!! Oh, and I am extremely excited...found out about a brand new procedure for cancer pts that were deemed inoperable. It is only in 16 cities nationwide and Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton is one!!! Hallelujah! (I am singing that opera style really loud, haha) It's called nanoknife. They just started doing it here Sept 2010. woohoo, woo-hoo-hoo! So after I get through this biopsy I plan to arrange a consultation, thinking maybe I could be a good candidate after radiation?!? Or, if not on mediastinal mass, maybe for any metastasis that pops up in the future. Just so happy there are advances being made that might save my life! Got to go, hope you had a great weekend. God be with you, peace out!

2010-10-22T18:13:00.003-04:00

omgosh! Spent all day at Maimi Valley Hospital to set up tomotherapy...it felt like I was there forever. I don't know how I am going to handle going there every day for 6-7 weeks! With determination and joy I guess, because I live in a country where I can get this treatment and I have health insurance that will pay for it- $100,000!!! So, that's what is new with me. Tomo is an advanced form of radiation that will radiate my cancer sites with stronger radiation, and also the rest of my neck and torso with lower doses. The radiation oncologist is going to target my left neck, left clavicle area, under my sternum,the superficial skin above my clavicle, both armpits, and left upper lung with the stronger dose. Left upper lung because there is a suspicious area that may be the start of new cancer or it could just be inflammation. Gonna zap it to be safe. I was thinking, no biggie...but then they tell you all of the risks. LOL. So, he is going to carve out my esophagus and spine so hopefully they will be spared. But my thyroid will be wiped out, vocal cords(I will be raspy and sound like a dude), damage sweat glands which will cause problems with body temperature, and it may affect lung capacity (hopefully will not have to be on oxygen when it's done), also small chance it could hit my heart and increase risk of heart attack to 50%. Basically they are going to radiate my entire chest so I will be "sunburnt" from the inside out..everywhere. He said be prepared for a rough holiday season.Other than that....no worries. hahahaha. WOW! I thought the hard part was over. But I am really excited to do this!!! He doesn't know me very well...bring it on!I am the energizer bunny, ready to go and go and go...can't keep me down!BURN ME UP BABY! I want to destroy ANY little cancer cell that is left in there hiding! Oh, and I am going to Indiana University next wed, to see the leading thymic cancer doctor in the nation to make sure I'm not missing anything I should be doing.It was sooooo nice, I didn't think about cancer for a week, felt like I had my life back. But I am realizing that I do have my life back...all of the time! It's just a new way of life. The mental break from it over the past week really helps me now to see it differently. It is amazing how much bettter I have felt emotionally knowing that it is gone. Our minds have so much power over us. And I have to think about all the treatment crap like a list; go to grocery, wash car, get tomotherapy. And leave it at that :) Unfortunately cancer is part of me, but not all of me...so I am saying to myself, "self, get on with it girl! forget this cancer junk and LIVE!" I have spent 5 months consumed in it...but NO MORE! From now on it is on my to-do list like every other thing. I feel alive again! I don't sit and ponder all the what ifs. And it is soooo great! I am not wasting any more energy or time on this. I mean, I realize that it is all normal for what I am going through, you have to think about it all, how could you not? But now I am through it....thank you God!!!! So, I will still post medical updates and chronicle what it is like, how it's going, etc. But I just want you all to know that it is not the main focus of my life anymore. BTW...I am so very lucky, everyone who loves me...I LOVE YOU BACK MORE! ttyl. P.S. I am seriously thinking about a tattoo since I am allowed now. Jeremiah 29:11 I think,or maybe Proverbs 3:5, just don't know where to put it. Across my foot? wrist? But I do not think my wrist is big enough for that word. I can't do upper back cuz of dermatomyositis. What do you think? Ideas welcome! or I could get the celtic cross for sisters. Maybe both, i am so confused what to do, but I know I want one.

2010-10-14T21:35:00.002-04:00

UTTER JOY AND HAPPINESS FILLS MY HEART AND IS POURING OVER! There are NO words to describe what I feel inside, I learned today that I have no active cancer anywhere in my body!!!! I am in complete remission and God is my hero for answering our prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot even think straight, I am so overwhelmed, in a good, good way. The only way I know to describe it is this; when I knew there was a mass, but no diagnosis...I told Levi this was good, I promised him it wouldn't kill me, that whatever cancer was in there was going to fix all my other problems, I just knew it was lymphoma. Then, the day I was diagnosed I remember sitting on the toilet in the bathroom with Levi, and how was I supposed to tell my little boy that it was a bad cancer...but somehow I managed to get the words out. And he asked me if it would kill me with huge tears in his eyes, and I said I don't know, it is very rare and they don't know how to fix this kind. I felt like I was going to faint/collapse...I had lied to him. In fact, those were the very first words out of my mouth when we got the bad diagnosis, "I promised Levi this wouldn't kill me!" I was so distraught. So, the point is....today I got to go to his school and pull him out of class and tell him the awesome miracle that has happened for us, and he looked like he was gonna pass out and then CLUNG to me so tight for at least 3 solid minutes. Then we went to his classroom and announced the wonderful news, and all the kids were cheering and clapping. Time literally stood still and the earth just stopped for me! Best moment of my entire life!!!!!!! Thank you to every single person who prayed for us, IT WORKED!!!!!!!

2010-10-13T23:25:00.001-04:00

p.s. I hate that my post kicked off my wonder woman pics and story...so if you haven't seen it, view older post. hahahahahaa, still making me laugh!

2010-10-13T22:48:00.002-04:00

I am having a glass of wine, well, two actually. I cannot go to sleep. I am so excited to get my PET scan results tomorrow!!! Just said prayers with Levi and he asked God to make my cancer go away. Ditto Doodlebug! It's funny, I figured I would be nervous/anxious about it...and I have felt amazingly peaceful-until about 1/2 hour ago. lol. I am not scared at all! Ready to find out the damage I did with all of that unbearable chemo. So, statistically, if the tumor is the same size we've done awesome keeping it at bay (because it is so aggressive). But, I believe in miracles and I am feeling tremedous faith that the %$#+%@&* tumor is about gone! And whatever is left I will annihalate with radiation. Whatever tomorrow brings...I am thankful because my life is soooo sweet! I have never felt so much love before this journey began, so in a very sick kind of way I am grateful (partially) to have had my eyes opened to the real meaning of life. I always knew it intellectually, but now I KNOW it in my heart, huge difference. I love every moment that my eyes are open, every smile, every hug, every touch, every act of kindness, the smell and sight of this beautiful earth, laughter, intimate moments with friends and family, the excitement of holidays and seasons changing, blah blah blah...I could go on forever. You get the point, it's about RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW! Contentment with this very moment, not needing to improve or change anything, just soaking up life and love. OK, now I sound like an Oprah guest, but it is so true, when you could lose it all, the world becomes a different place, so new and precious and amazing! I think as we grow up we forget the basics. So my goal in life is to never grow up! See the world through the eyes of a child; they don't worry about money, how their hair looks, their weight, what else they need, or the future, they just go with the flow every day. Very cool! So no worries for me...it's alllllll good! I hope you LIVE OUT LOUD today! I will update tomorrow. God bless us ALL!

2010-10-09T07:41:00.005-04:00

ok...so here is the story, we finally got Dr. M. to crack up!!! YAY! Jill and I decided, well, I convinced her, to dress up like wonder woman and super girl for my appt. before my last treatment. We were posing when he walked in and I stated," We are here to battle cancer with the last round of chemo!" It was freaking hilarious!!! He opened the door and took a step in, I made my declaration, he slowly backed up and closed the door. 2 seconds later the door reopened and Dr. M. walked back in and LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!! Jill and I high fived eachother...we got him! Top right pic is Jill & I trying on our costumes the day before...we had so much fun running around in my back yard playing Diana Prince, AKA Wonder Woman! hahahahhaa. Then we got there with our coats on, ready to change finish changing in the room and Jill was trying to back out on me. She was like about to have diarrhea she was so nervous about doing it. I was like, whatever!!! She wouldn't break character the day before, I knew she was loving it! Then, Dawn, top left pic, asked us if we were gonna flash, I assume because of the coats in 90 degree weather. HAHAHAHA, I am so sure Dawn! As if we would do that! She was cracking up when she saw the outfits. Thank you Dawn and Patti (nurse in bottom pic) for helping us set up and doing wigs and taking pictures! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! I think I earned myself a mental health referral! Then Jill and I walked back to the treatment room to inspire all the poor patients that were hooked up to their chemo. I truly think people think we are nuts! lol. Any hooo... I have to go, going to see my baby Ty today! So excited! Will write again soon. Love to all!

2010-10-01T20:08:00.002-04:00

i made it through round 6!!!!! out of bed for 1st time tonight. my head still feels "swimmy" and i am weak, but i made it! i cannot describe in words the joy i feel to be done! get pet scan oct 13th, and start radiation sometime soon. i have pics 2 share, but this is all the energy i can do now. so i will write later. Praise to God for his many blessings!we are all so lucky to be here. love & happiness to all of you!!! ps jill is my savior thru this! i love u sissy!

2010-09-27T05:47:00.002-04:00

CHEMO DAY! Last one! I have pushed it out of my mind until this morning, I think this one will be good. I got so sick with the last one, so today Dr. M is only giving me 3 chemos! YAY!!!!! The other one can damage the nerves in your GI tract, so no more of that one after how it affected me last time. I am kinda relieved, but it is wierd because I also kinda feel like I need that other one too. But I was at the smallest dose so they cant reduce it. Enough on that! I would start a new paragraph here, but this dumb site won't let me and I haven't been able to figure out how to change the format...I have tried many times, GRRRR! So, I haven't posted for a long time, couple reasons...I was pretty sad for about quite awhile, then I "lost" my other purse that contained my SD card adapter. I have been losing things way worse than normal. I am just like 10 second Tom from the movie 50 first dates, it is horrible & I am driving everyone nuts! So, I hate to admit it, but I was pretty low. I wouldn't say depressed, just sad. I was thinking alot about the future and the probability that this is what I will die from. So I spent 2 days straight on the couch literally crying whenever my eyes were open. Grieving, I guess. DO NOT get me wrong, I am not giving up...I have great hope and faith in miracles and I want desperately to be the one they say is defying all odds! BUT, I am not completely in denial, I know way too much about thymic cancer. I felt like diagnosis day all over again. I have done a really good job NOT thinking about the future. Then BOOM..it hit me hard. I ran into a brick wall. I TOTALLY trust God so incredibly much...with all of my heart and soul. I know He has a plan for each of us, and I trust Him with my children, my hubby, my sissy. But IF that plan involves me leaving, that just makes me sad beyond words. My soul aches at the thought. I guess when you have "terminal" cancer sometimes you can't help but think of these things. I want so much to live. It is hard when you feel so passionately about life & love and have such joy for it...to feel so full of life. And to know your body is failing you...its strange, doesn't match. So anyway, I got stuck for awhile thinking about everyone living with me gone. I am not going into details because I have to keep my spirit up today and I will fall apart if I think about it anymore. Then my birthday came...38! YAY!!! Was so happy to be here and have another birthday, then I started thinking about how many more I would have. I have just been in a funk, which is ok, good actually. I cannot deny those thoughts and feelings, I think its pretty normal for what I am going through. I just have to pull myself up and out of it, which I did, of course with alot of love from friends and family. And my gosh, what a huge list of people and great acts of love I recieved over the past week. It was absolutely overwhelming, how loved I feel. I am so blessed. My girls from my OB job came to visit me, and I feel awful because I was still pretty sad when they came, didn't feel like I was being me. But it was great to see them and their 2 beautiful baby boys! Amber, Amy, Sandy, and Emily...I love you so much & I miss so bad all the fun we used to have. And oh my gosh, they brought me a beautiful quilt they made with messages on each square from all my old working buddies. THANK YOU! I know how much work a quilt is and I love it! And Kris, thank you for my gifts! She got me a sweatshirt that is pink and says "fight like a girl" and all the girls signed it, it has a little boxing glove on it...hey, it is finally cold enough, now I can wear it today for chemo! LOVE it! Let's see, I have 4 beautiful fresh flower arrangements in my house right now from Paulie, the Duronia club, Bonnie & Mark, and my mama's rose garden. They are all so pretty. Then one day I was thinking I should go buy some mums for my front porch and a delivery basket came from my brother Doug & his family with fruit and a teddy bear and mums! lol.On my birthday Jill took me out for lunch and we went shopping...I will write about that one when I get home from chemo, GREAT STORY! Then Firday Lisa & Chris had a birthday party for me. There were so many people, it was the best b-day party I've ever had. Oh crap, I have to get ready to go. Will write later, there is so much to tell! And it is some funny stuff! I will continue soon. Wait till you see the pics! Hilarious!!!

2010-09-12T09:47:00.002-04:00

One more thing real quick, Jim sent me a text/song I just listened to. It was in remembrance of 9/11...I hadn't heard that song in ages. I LOVE IT...one of my favorites ever. Thank you so much Jim, my soul is rejoicing right now, this day; for the love I have inside to give, the way I am loved, for the air I breath, the sunshine, for tender hugs, my flowers I just separated for a friend, my family, my puppy Oliver, my life, my adoring & unwavering love I feel for my Father and his Son and the way they love me and YOU more than we can possibly comprehend. I will be singing this song all day today with joy in my heart!

" I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You... Oh my soul rejoice! Take joy my King, in what You hear...let it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear!"

2010-09-12T06:25:00.003-04:00

Good morning! I am so happy right now...I slept for 7 hours straight!!! I don't know why, but I've only been sleeping for 2-3 hours at a time. Thank you ambien! I feel like a new woman. So, it's early Sunday morning, I am having my coffee, all 3 of my babies are snug in their beds. I just love that they are all home right at this moment where they belong. I hate it that Tyler will be leaving in just a few hours. He is so beautiful and precious! I love that kid and am so proud of him. It did my heart good to see him and hug him, even if only for a short weekend. I absolutely love when we are all together, the 3 of them are hilarious, make me laugh. Almost always a good time when they get together. It's the best medicine in the whole world. It was funny, I gave Ty a haircut out on the deck and when he wasn't looking I removed the clipper guard and shaved a huge line of hair off at his belly button. Let me explain that he is a hairy beast. He has so much hair on his belly and especially his butt, it looks like he is morphing into a werewolf. Jess and Zack were out there and that girl cracks me up... she was taking hairballs and placing them all over his chest & trying to take pictures. She is such a comedian, every word that comes out of her mouth is funny. I was loving life, just listening to them laugh and joke. I can't explain the way they get along, they are like best friends, so close to eachother. What more could a momma ask for? So anyone reading this with young kids, teens... don't worry, one day the screaming and fighting will end. They will grow up and love eachother again. lol. I was always so afraid of them growing up & leaving home (don't get me wrong, I still want them to live here till they are 30) but I love them as adults. They are really good people. It's awesome to know & love them as friends now.

BTW... I was really excited that I had so many comments on here! I feel wierd blogging sometimes, because this has become like my journal, and it's all out there... I feel like it is so self absorbed. But I guess it's just my story right now, and if it helps someone kill some time, laugh, cry, be thankful for their precious time here, then ok! And it just makes my day to read the comments. Although it feels kinda wierd to hear that I am inspiring, are you kidding? I'm just a crazy nut with cancer. Just getting through it, like any of us would do. And actually, I was telling Paulie the other day that I feel like such a total wussy! I was going back in my mind to when he had cancer. Chemo has come such a long way, I am so lucky and thankful for the meds they have to help manage the side effects. They didn't have it down back then. Ya know, I sit here and complain when I get little hot flashes, cold sweats. But Paul stunk like roadkill and SOAKED the bed with his cold sweats, shivering with his teeth chattering & then burning up 2 minutes later. I complain that I feel so sick to my stomach and get carsick, but Paul was vomiting across the room onto the wall. I complain that my jeans are too loose, but Paul couldn't make it out of bed to get dressed & he was a walking skeleton. I complain I feel dizzy, but I oh so clearly remember how many times he passed out, the worst one was while he was in the shower. New baby crying in the other room, Jess & Ty standing in the hallway looking absolutely scared to death as I drug Paul's limp body out of the shower...naked, dripping wet, me shaking and yelling at him to wake up. Great, now I am crying. It was awful, and I can't believe what he went through to stay here with us. I remember one day he was lying in bed, half concious, and he whispered the words that he wanted to die. My poor baby. I so totally get it now, and I haven't been through 1/4 of what he did. So, HE is the one to be inspired by. Thank you honey, for fighting and enduring pure hell for me, for us. You are so amazing, so strong, so preccious. I love you Paul, thank you for teaching me about strength and what true love is. I am so freaking blessed. Gosh, I started out really happy & now I'm a blubbering fool. I guess because I never go back there, to those memories. To think about it is too much. But I'm glad I am thinking of these things, because I just got totally charged up for my final round. I have been contemplating quitting, in my mind, feeling like I can't do it again. But now I feel like wonder woman, or a wonder twin. Anyone remember that cartoon? haha..wonder twin powers, ACTIVATE, form of....a bull! I am gonna be a big strong bull, fighting mad, ready to charge and kill! And now I am holding my fist up with my magic ring as flashes of power are transforming me. Wow, unless you've seen that cartoon, you're probably thinking I am high right now. lol. Now I am laughing. OK, that's enough for today..feel like I just got out of a psychotherapy session. And I emphasize the word psycho. hahaha.

I will chat later. I LOVE YOU FAMILY! Thanks soooooo much for all the comments, love them! Hope you all have a beautiful, happy Sunday! God bless.

2010-09-08T06:58:00.002-04:00

OK, so I feel great today! The cold sweats are over and the bone pain, from my neulasta injection, has subsided. Just a few of the perks of chemo...not. I'm back baby! I have so much to do. I need to go to the grocery STAT! Mom is coming over today and I can't wait to be productive!!! Start turning the sagging skin on my legs into lean muscle! So, you're probably wondering whats up with these picutures...top right is the hairdo I am going for when it all grows back. I am so excited for a cute little messy haircut. I think if it grows fast enough, I will put some fun colors in it by Christmas, I am hoping. Maybe do dark brown with some crazy burgundy/pink chunks. I just hope I dont grow an afro because then this look may be a little tricky. haha. Btw, hair is falling out again, but I am not shaving it off since I am almost done. I may end up changing my mind though, since I have rubbed a bald spot on the back of my head, like a newborn. The result of re-growth from this just might be a little too "Joe Dirt" for me. Don't get me wrong, I did appreciate a good mullet in the 80's. But not so much these days.

The picture on the left, funny story. When I went to chemo last week, they had donation wigs and hats. So I selfishly took one of each. Actually, not selfishly...it was for Paul. So, I had the wig hanging on my IV pole, and it is quite large (the picture doesnt show how big and puffy it really is). I had been telling all the nurses why I needed it, we'll get to that. And in comes Dr. M, my Oncologist. I absolutely love that man, let me describe him for you; he is young, was an internal med physician, had a change of heart and went into oncology....why, i will never understand, I couldn't think of a more miserable job. Anyhoo, he has passion for what he is doing, is brilliant, genuine, and I (obviously) trust him with my life. He is also a man with deep faith, which I find comforting. He is quite serious though, and for some reason I like to joke around and try to get him to crack. I've gotten a few good "is this chick for real?" stares, and have also seen him try to keep composure and stifle a smile, possible laugh as well. Which, of course, makes me sooo proud of myself. So, he walks over to check on me, which he doesn't have to do, he is busy with patients on the office side. As he is speaking to me I notice him quickly glancing at my wig out of the corner of his eye a few times. Bingo! I am going for it! I say, "Do you like my new wig?" He looks at the wig as if it were a dead animal hanging there and politely states "yes," and is quick to resume medical talk. I break in and say, "Don't worry, it's not for public use." He looks at me, perplexed, as I state in a loud whisper, "It's for the bedroom!" At the same time, Jill is reaching over and covering my mouth with her hand. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Ohhhhh, I tickle myself! I don't know why I find it so amusing, but I just love to shock him!

Then, as the morning progresses, one of the nurses is hooking up another guy, looking out the window, and has a horrified look on her face. She's saying,"Oh no, no, no. Don't go on the sidewalk." Jill and I get up and look out, laughing hysterically, as some lady is driving at 2mph, up onto the sidewalk, over the landscaping, and into the parking lot. She parks, backs up, and proceeds to exit the exact same way. We are always laughing at chemo.

But then, something not so funny happens. I meet a fellow patient, I will call Joe. We talked a bit. Then Jill got up to do something and Joe asks me a question, "Janet," he says rather loudly, "is that your daughter?" WHAT???? I feel as if I had been zapped with a stun gun. Excuse me??? Did this chode really just ask me if my older sister is my daughter???? He can't be serious! But I look at him, he has genuine interest in his eyes. I wanted to say, "Ya know what Joe, #@%#! you!" UNBELIEVABLE! My gosh, do I really look that bad? I had to laugh though, and tell him nicely that she was actually my sister. He looked shocked, as did I. I had liked Joe until then. I hope I never see him again. lol.

I know I talk alot, so I will sign off. Lastly, on a serious note, I want to thank Dr. M! When I went to the hospital last week, he happened to be the doc on call. He went WAY above and beyond. The ER nurse told me they had seen 8,100 patients in the month of July. It is ridiculous, the patient load that physicians handle. And although I don't recall much else, thanks to IV morphine, compazine, fentanyl, & versed (gooood stuff), I know that Dr. M came in to evaluate me, when the ER doc was there & capable. AND, he stayed there with me for quite a long time until my testing was done. In fact he was in the CT room looking at the scan, which I only know thanks to the CT tech. He was very concerned for me, talked with us multiple times. I knew he had left some personal outing he was at to come there, and I felt very guilty pulling him away from the little bit of free time he has, because it was by his choice. He didn't have to be there. He could have, should have, been home with his wife & kids. I know they can't do that for everyone, I feel so blessed to have this man caring for me. I honestly feel that it wasn't coincidence that brought him to me and my family. So, thanks God!!! You picked the best doc in the world! (maybe I should stop trying to get a rise out of him. Naaaa, too easy, too fun! haha)

2010-09-07T07:15:00.004-04:00

P.S. Gypsy John...thank you so much for your comment. By the way peeps, pleeeaase comment, it's my contact to the outside world! Anyway GJ, you inspired me to post this picture...it is pathetic and disturbing (except the part of my sissy holding me) & not how I want the world to see me, but it is me right now...it is the story of not just me, but everyone who has to fight against cancer. I will take another pic this morning so you can see how much better I am today...with pancake, our new little baby!

2010-09-07T06:27:00.002-04:00

I am officially an old lady..white hair, obsessed with the weather and my bowels. lol. I ended up in the hospital for a couple days due to severe stomach pain, haven't been able to eat or poop. It reminds me of when I had histo and I was so thin with a big pregnant looking belly. Yesterday I had my tight jeans on, except they were falling off with the belt on the tightest hole. I don't recognize my body right now, and this whole time I have been trying to eat well and maintain my weight, but I just cannot eat anymore or I am in pain. I have lost another 5 lbs. in the past week. But the good news..thanks to gas-ex, tums, senna tabs, 2 laxatives, and suppositories...I finally had relief this morning! I know, TMI! This round has SUCKED! On one hand, I feel like I am in a marathon and am about to cross the finish line and feel like...keep goin girl, you are almost there!. On the other, I am DONE! I can't take it anymore. I just can't do it anymore. I soooo feel the toll this is taking. I know I said before that dermatomyositis was worse..I lied. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through (besides losing Dad and Terry).
And here is where Jill comes in...my angle!!! She was right by my side through this ordeal and told me the most wonderful interpretation of one of my favorite verses..Isaiah 40:31 "those who wait on the Lord renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

The interpretation is that we should wait (not like at a red light, but like a waiter) on God. Serve Him. Anticipates what pleases Him. And here is the really cool part that I love...the eagle is the only bird that flies directly into the storm. The wind catches its wings perfectly and carries it ABOVE the storm where it can glide and not have to fight the storm. :) THANK YOU JILL!!! You will never know how those words carried me through last friday, or whatever day it was...I don't even remember. I will CLING to those words and that verse to get me through the end of this treatment! You are the bestest sister ever in the whole wide world and I LOVE YOU to bits! I hope that maybe it will help someone reading this if they are going through something difficult right now, remember..you are not alone! God carries us and loves us more than we can imagine.

2010-09-02T00:15:00.003-04:00

Hello! It is now 09-01-2010! I'm so glad. I love September. I get round #5 in about 9 hrs., I suppose I should be in bed..but don't want to go to sleep and miss any time while I feel so good :) So, not much is new. My hair is growing back and I am not sure what color it is yet...it looks white sometimes, blonde and light brownish other times, depending on the lighting. lol. But I love the way it feels...like baby bird hair, it's all soft and fuzzy- wierd. I rub it all the time because it is so soft. It was funny, today my friend Tammy visited and then we went shopping, she mentioned that we probably looked like dikes! hahahahaha. I am pretty sure we did... she has a cute little pixie haircut, and I am half bald/ half soft, fluffy buzz! Made me laugh until I realized people were probably assuming that I am the dude! Not so funny then! I also have new eyelashes...I know it is so shallow & vain, but THANK YOU GOD! I think when those fell out, well, that was the point I felt like "Pat" from SNL... is it a man or woman??? So now I feel pretty again with my eyelashes. I feel like I am clearly female with mascara on.
Other news... Jessi is now picking up hours at the stable for a little extra cash. I am SOOOOOO proud of her!!! She is working in the Anna school district with special needs kids. They have downs and autism. I love her passion about it all. Her face lights up when she tells me about her day and these kids...especially her favorite little boy. I think it is awesome how she is applying all of her experience from college to give the absolute best to these children. She is so young and fresh, full of optimism and hope for them. She is a special girl...I couldn't do it. She is just exhausted, she leaves at 7:30 am and returns about 12 hours later. My poor baby girl, I know she is so tired. And she is missing Zack so bad since he went back to BG. They skype all night. It is hilarious, one night she was holding the laptop and saying, "do you wanna watch TV with me?" and took "him" into the living room. First I was like... barf! Then I was thinking how awesome it is she's so in love! Who is this girl? She has been such a man hater for so long, glad my sweet girl is back!
And Ty is doing well. I miss that boy so much!!! I miss his hugs. He is nonstop with FB practice and 19 credit hours. I can't wait to see him again!!! I wish chemo wasn't tomorrow...because there is NO way I can drive 5 hrs round trip to get him home for the weekend :( makes me sad. But I am going to go see him & stay the night 09-18! yay! Btw.. I didn't post about his 1st scrimmage. He carried 3 times, got about 11yds for 1st down, then about 6-7 yds, then ran the ball in for a TD! It was so fun watching him. He's my little beefcake! He is so fricking built and obsessed with working out, lifting, etc that we call him douglas, from the movie 50 1st dates...HAHAHA. We are always saying, "lay off the juice douglas" If you have seen the movie I'm sure you just giggled. If ever I see a mid drift netted jersey..I will be all over it for a christmas present. heeheehee. Tyler...if you should read this, you better call me tomorrow!!! Why no phone call or text today? At least a text, only takes 5 seconds!
Levi started 6th grade... caught somewhere between a boy and a man. Sometimes he is too cool for me, is doing homework independently, maturing. And the next minute, he is my little doodlebug, and I can still hold him, tickle his back while he is falling asleep, and love on him with eskimo & butterfly kisses. I love it, and I know my days of that are numbered...like really soon. So I am soaking up every second he lets me still be "mommy". Although he knows no matter how old we both get, he will always be my baby. I make him promise to never stick me in a nursing home, he has to feed me and change my diapers when I am old...and I think he is the one who would. lol. He is such a sweet kid. But he cracks my butt up too. He is hilarious.
OMGosh!!! It is 1am...got to go! I will try not to post until I wake up from what Jessi has termed my chemo coma. She is so funny, when I am being pathetic she'll sing... ka ka ka chemo! ya know, like cha cha cha chia! for those dumb chia pets. Drives me nuts, but it does make me laugh. It is supposed to be a gorgeous weekend, so I wish lots of fun and love to all...hope it's a great holiday for you!!! peace out!

2010-08-26T08:22:00.012-04:00

OK, so I don't know why I was being such a negative Nancy on my last post. Yes, chemo sucks, but it is what it is and I need to focus on positive things. So here are some happy pics. My BFF Laura came to visit, and brought her man, Greag, AKA Tarzan. BAHAHAHA! We had so much fun. We played Bocci ball, and Greag was all like, "bring it, are you ready to lose?"....well, he wasn't so good. Laura, who noone wanted on their team, kicked all of our butts. She even threw the dang ball through a tire swing and made pointts. You suck Laura, but I still love you. Then my friends Angie & her boys, Devin & Kurt, stopped by, and Sarah & Eric. The guys played FB in the dark with tiki torches & car lights to light up the field. Then we had a bonfire and Greag kept telling us great jokes...not. heeheehee. It was a GREAT night. I haven't had that much fun since I don't remember when.

Tuesday I took Levi & Devin fishing. We caught sucker fish mostly, but Devin did get a rock bass. And Levi caught TWO fish on the same line on 1 cast...it was crazy. I've never seen that before. He was so excited. I love that kid's laugh! I was having a blast until the boys told me there were leaches in the water, as I was standing in it with my feet sunk in the sludge. I flew outa there so fast....they thought it was hilarious. Brats! hahaha. Well, got to go...another dr. appt. wohoo, big day out. lol. Will post later, and I promise not to be such a downer! Have a great day.

2010-08-24T07:06:00.009-04:00

So Friday after chemo... we went to Indian Lake to our Italian Villa and all was wonderful. I was feeling great! Friday night we had so much fun. We had good company, good campfire, good weather...what else could you ask for? Pics left to right.... Levi and his friend Tyler with a new friend, I forget her name..lol, chemo brain. Paul marking Levi's face, hahaha...he SO deserved it. Then me and Ricky, Lisa's nephew...he is soooo cute, love that kid! Me and Dave, Paul's brother. Next is Lisa, Pam, me, Steph, and Ali. (Ricky's momma and sisters) They are the sweetest family ever. Then me and my baby, Paulie. Saturday night...chemo kicked in. I took the bottom picture sometime after we went home. I am not exaggerating...it took me about 5 minutes to muster the strength to pick up my phone & take this pic. And the phone was lying on the couch next to my head. Chemo SUCKS!!!! I cannot describe in words how it feels, but I will try; you are feeling fine and at first it comes in waves. Out of the blue it hits you, your mind feels foggy, sometimes a headache too, dizziness, weakness- and by weakness, I mean you can't even walk without convincing yourself you can for about 10 minutes & having someone help hold you up, with the sensation of waves of poison circulating through your body. I can actually feel the poison rushing through my veins...not a pleasant feeling. I just have a sense of impending doom. All you can do is lie there, feeling like your body is dying...thats when my other personality, Sybil(my other personality), moves in. Suddenly it is all very real. I HAVE CANCER. I start having flashbacks of Terry, and feel overwhelmed with what my family is being subjected to all over again. I watch alot of those TV shows; forensic files, the first 48, etc. I imagine chemo feels somewhat like arsenic poisoning. At this point I lose it, emotionally. All I can do is lie there and cry. The only thing I have control over is my eyes, the rest of my body feels heavy and paralyzed. My body isn't mine anymore, it feels unattached and like it is rotting. BUT...the good news... this time I met a really sweet woman, Denise, up at the lake. She taught me all about meditation, visualization techniques, and how- when you smile or laugh...even if it is fake, your brain releases chemicals that lift your mood. So Paul was amazing, he did visualization with me. He stayed right beside me, holding me. He calmed me down by having me close my eyes and he "took" me back to Galveston, walking out on the rocks and sitting there at night with the ocean rolling in at our feet. He described it so vividly and somehow I was able to get out of my body & the moment to be peaceful enough to fall asleep. I thank God for him! He is the my rock. These waves of what I have termed "icky" come and go for a day or two. Then icky comes to stay.

It is so hard... because I feel totally normal beforehand and think I am ready for the next round, actually kinda excited to kill this crap. But you forget just how horrible it is until you re-live it again. And when you do, NOTHING can prepare you. Although there is always a silver lining! This time there were a few; I learned techniques to help me cope, and am lucky enough to have my beautiful Paulie there to carry me. And then when Sybil took over and was pathetically hopeless, wanting to give up... my friend Sarah was right there kicking her out. She wrote me a beautiful letter I can refer to every time I am filled with despair. It reminds me of all the reasons I was put on this earth, including the life I have ahead of me. It is filled with hope, but in a factual way to remind me that faith, hope, trust, and God are way more powerful that chemo or cancer. At the end of the letter she wrote a cancer chant and included a sign for Sybil to put on my fridge. Made me laugh and cry (happy tears).

CANCER CHANT:

Cancer, I did not give you the right,

to invade my body and take a bite.

This is my body and with all my might,

I WILL prevail with one hell of a fight!

To the cancer inside, I will battle & kill.

For that is my body's God given will.

To my cancer, these words I do send...

Your life is short and near the end!!!

SYBIL FRIDGE SIGN:

Go away Sybil...

Because the will of God will NEVER take me

where the grace of God will not protect me!

God our Father, walk through my house today

take away all my worries and illness,

in Jesus' name.... Amen

Thank you Sarah!

The other blessing in all of this... my sissy, Jill. She took me tues to get a CT scan and get marked for radiation. She pushed me in a wheelchair, albeit against my will, lol, and sat with me as I pathetically laid on the waiting room floor, I tried to sit in the chair as long as I could. Our two little boys were there waiting patiently, being so well behaved! We were there forEVER, 2 hours, I think. Anyway, she is my little angel! I love you Jill & could NOT do this without you!

To Ali... I am so sorry you had to see me like that. I HATE it that you did. But thank you for helping me get into the bed. And thank you for coming up...I love hanging with you & very much enjoyed talking with you before things went south. You are such a beautiful girl, inside and out!!! Just remember...that is NOT me, that was chemo.

To Levi and Andrew, I wish that all of this would never be a part of your childhood memories. That is what makes me the saddest. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I just pray for the ability to tackle it head on with my head held high, so you remember that. I will not let this steal my love for my life, or my joy!!!

OK, so this is a ridiculously long post, totally self-absorbed, and full of chemo/cancer junk. I dont know why, maybe it is therapeutic to me, but I wanted to get it all out there. But now I am done. I feel awesome again, grabbing life by the balls and seizing the day! Today is Levi's last day of summer, school starts tomorrow morning. So we are going to go fishing for the day! Hope we catch a bass!!! That is the goal. And it is perfect outside, just perfect. Not too hot, not too cool. YAY! Watch out little fishies...here we come!

2010-08-13T08:43:00.010-04:00

top picture is zack...our other baby boy! jessi's boyfriend...we love zackie! (aka zippy)they are due to a story similar to theres something about mary...frank and beans! HAHAHA so...the pics are from the night we met his family, then pics of ty on move-in day at ashland...i did good...didn't cry till i pulled away. the bottom pic is meredith..his girlfriend...they are attached at the hip...so i know it's going to be hard for them both. mer, if you're reading this u better still visit me! anyhooo..i got hit hard yest with round 4..but i feel awesome today! yipee! its the steroids..so i will probly crash and burn by mon or tues...but thats ok...kickin cancer ass! gotta go..headin to the lake for some R&R. pauls in the car waiting! i will blog again soon. so much to talk about! love to all!

2010-08-08T12:52:00.015-04:00

as you can see... we had a wonderful time in Galveston! Funny how your plans differ from God's sometimes, I thought I had been led to Texas for surgery, when really what I needed was time away with my husband! It was perfect and we were so happy there. Fell in love all over again! And, i discovered the sun isn't my enemy anymore...I am happier than anyone will ever know... my life is BEAUTIFUL & PERFECT!!! So, chemo this thurs., 3 more rounds, then radiation. I am sick of thinking & talking about cancer...but I know ya'all want to know whats going on. So thats the plan. Enough on that! Preparing myself to take Ty to Ashland wed. At least trying...my little baby boy...leaving home :( I will miss him so! At least I'm not working so I can visit him alot! YAY! Have a great day everyone!

2010-07-28T14:26:00.001-04:00

We are on the hooker side of houston, so we are out here! We walked forever yest & I was sooo tired, just couldn't go anymore...so we "borrowed" a shopping cart from one of the many homeless, & paulie pushed me down main st. We were laughing all the way! I am blogging from my phone, so idk if the picture will get sent...hope so. It was so hilarious...him pushing me with my bag on his shoulder. It was fun though...I felt like buddy the elf. Hahaha. So, I had appt, not a candidate 4 sugery. They said I am in more than the top 10% of excellent responses to chemo. She said I AM the very best they have seen. They also recommend radiation at some point also. So, we are going 2 galveston to have FUN! I am DONE with all this cancer crap..goin on my honeymoon! I can't wait 2 get there & feel the sand in my toes!!! Ahhhh, to smell the salty air & hear the waves crashing in, there is nowhere I feel closer 2 God than the beach...heaven on earth! So...cheers to my romantic getaway...Salute!

2010-07-25T08:15:00.009-04:00

Those are raindrops on my head btw.

I woke up to this picture this morning....aren't they so sweet? I love my little doodlebug so much! I want him to stay a boy forever :)

So then I made my coffee, changed it up and was front porch sitting...due to the rain. I was so happy, I love the rain. I was trying to remember how it felt when I was little and played for hours in it. Then I said to myself, " self, why are you sitting here watching the rain? You should go out there and be in it again!" So I walked out by the cornfield, held my arms out, closed my eyes, face to the sky. It was AWESOME! It was so cool and refreshing. I felt like part of this earth, felt so close to God. I stood there forever. Then I ran down the driveway stomping and splashing in the puddles, soaking wet in my pajamas. I was giggling, it was so much fun. So...if anyone from Fletcher drove by and witnessed this display, I am not crazy, I was just loving life at the moment. lol.

Well, I have to get to gettin. So much to do before I leave for Houston! I am really excited to get there!!! I am hoping it won't be so hot, thanks to hurricane Bonnie. I think she was down-graded though. Adios amigos! Will let you all know anything, as I get any new info.

P.S. I am so thankful for 100% human hair fake eyelashes! They are my new best friend :) hahaha. LOVE THEM!

P.P.S. Cindy, I would actually prefer Hillary to be the president right now. LOL! Can't believe I just wrote those words. So good to hear from you. I love it when people post comments, since I am not working it's nice to have this to look forward to.

P.P.P.S. Thanks for your comment JP...means a lot to me! Hope you are happy and doing well!

P.P.P.P.S. Deaton, I can't wait to see you again. You have no idea how much I love your visits. I love ya girl!!!

2010-07-22T06:27:00.005-04:00

Jenni (Calvin) Edwards & me!

Our puppies playing in my
backyard;

Gus, my daughter Jessi's dog
Oliver, Jenni's dog-he's so big!
Oliver, my sweet baby boy.

Jenni came to visit me last night, YAY! I got to get on facebook(I am not on it) and see a bunch of people from high school. It was fun, brought back so many memories. We had a really nice visit, I love that girl!!!! I think it is so funny we named our dogs the same name! And I have to tell you...Amy Adkins-Retherford, you are beautiful! Inside and out! :)

I want to take a minute and thank, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, all of the kind people at Fletcher United Methodist Church! I hope someone from there is reading this and passes along how thankful and grateful I am for all of their Prayers, and the meals that keep coming! I know everyone has busy lives and times are hard economically. And to think that you are taking time and money to make these meals for myself and my family...I am humbled! Thank you-thank you-thank you! I want to especially like to thank Pastor Russ, I love your visits and prayers. And I appreciate you putting up with my multiple personality disorder that comes with the treatments. lol. I still haven't thought of a name for the "other" personality who emerges with chemo! How about Sybil? Have you ever seen that movie? She was NUTS! And that's how I feel after chemo.....PERFECT! hahahaha.

I am so glad chemo will be pushed back for my Texas trip. Wohooooo! So I will be feeling good for awhile! Oh, and I am so very excited, I upgraded to a cell phone where I can get on-line and all that junk. Hopefully I will learn quickly so I can blog while I am down there. I am getting way better with technology!

Hope you have a wonderful day today! Smile, it makes you feel happy!

Psalm 62:2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken!

2010-07-20T09:44:00.006-04:00

Laura, Jenni, me, & Jill

Golfcart Drive-Thru at
Indian Lake

Hi everyone! I have very exciting news! Paul and I are heading to Houston to be evaluated at MD Anderson Cancer Center. I found out Friday, but as you can see from above, we were at Ashland University for Tyler's college orientation. I am so happy for him...his dorm is awesome. Just outside his dorm is the courtyard with basketball hoops and a huge area for students to hang out. There are pine trees that are so cool, they look like they are from a Dr. Seuss book. Paul loved them. We were telling Ty that we need to get him some silk pajamas and a robe for his lounge wear in the courtyard, because his dorm bldg. is called kilheffner. (like Hugh heffner, hahaha) And the facilities there are amazing! They have a brand new athletic complex/football stadium/track. It is beautiful!!! I can't wait for him to move in, he is going to LOVE it there!

Then, on Staurday Laura, Jenni, myself, and Jill went to Columbus and stayed overnight. It was WONDERFUL to be with my girls! And I was so happy that Laura and Jenni got to see eachother, we all worked/played together 14 years ago....but geographically have been unable to hang out together for a long time. So I am very very thankful for our time together. I have been missing Laura so much (she lives near Akron) and it was just what I needed! And thank you Jill for CRACKING ME UP!!! It was so funny, I laughed out loud for a long time, I am right now. We walked in the hotel hallway to get breakfast and decided to pull our pajama pants up to our boobs and Jill was walking with a shuffle and hunched over. This guy was walking toward us and stopped dead in his tracks when my sister turned and faced the wall at about 3 inches distance from her face and started "drawing" on the wall with her finger and mumbling. I started saying, "ok, thats enough...come on...you need to stop'" in a gentle, caring voice. I forgot that Jenni and I had our pants pulled up too. And I forgot I was BALD! I physically redirected her down the hallway and the man was plastered against the wall on the other side, very afraid for us to pass him. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I looked back and he was still staring back at us. heeheeehee. Maybe you had to be there, but it was fricking hilarious! We looked like we were out on a pass from the nuthouse. lol. Then we went to Indian Lake Sunday, ate a Tilton Hilton burger ( they are HUGE) and went out on the boat...that was the best. Jill said it was better than a massage :) We went for a ride on our golf cart/beachbus, pictured above. A couple 12 ish yr old boys drove past on their bikes and said, "is that all the faster you can go?" So the race was on, because I had control of the wheel! We were weaving all over the road blocking them from passing, taking sharp turns. It was so much fun, and of course we beat them to Achesons and won!!!! Then we had a level 1 hurricane and the girls and I sat in the dry trailer while poor Paulie was saving our awning and getting drenched with all the water, but we sang "macho, macho man" out the window for him in support. hahaha. Then girlscout Jill and Levi amazingly got a fire started with NO accelerant on soaking wet wood. It was a fun time! GREAT WEEKEND!

Ok, so I am leaving for Texas next Monday & my appt. is on Tues. I will hopefully be able to post from there. I cannot wait to get away with Paul. We never had a honeymoon...so this will be a very good trip for us! No kids, just us. YAY! Should be fun. And I will be feeling really good, because I will be so far out from my last treatment.

I want to say hi to my sweet Poppa!!!! I had no idea you were reading this! I love you so much and I will come visit you guys when Levi is back in school. Also, thank you Carol for my mustard seed necklace...i love it. Love that verse! And a mountain has for sure been moved with regard to my cancer, thank God!!!!

Signing off for now, but Laura- I had so much fun SPANKING YOU in scrabble! Olive you girlfriend, you are the best! :)

2010-07-13T06:05:00.002-04:00

Jenni and me!

I am back from the dead, at least for now. I am hoping today is better. I've had the life sucked right out of me. And I guess I wasn't expecting it to hit so hard, because #2 was so easy. To quote Forrest Gump (kinda), "chemo is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." I am so glad I feel ok right now. It has been awful. Especially yesterday, it was Jessi and Levi's birthday and all I wanted to do was take them to Night Sky for a dessert and spend time with them. Couldn't do it. I couldn't do anything but lie there. Although I did manage to make them each a birthday card before they woke up, so mission partly accomplished :) My friend Angie took Levi for me and then she made them a yummy red velvet cake, she is SO SWEET!!!! Love you angie! And my other friend, Jenni W has stayed with me for 2 days, THANK GOD!!! She drove across country from Washington state with her daughter and dog...just to be with me for a month! She has been exactly what I have needed. I cannot put into words the love I have inside for her and the gratefulness I have that she has been with me through this. I can't imagine if she weren't here. Thank you John !!!! (her wonderful husband) John, you will never know what a gift your selflessness means to me! I don't know what I would've done without her! I cannot believe how my children have grown. Jess is so beautiful. I am amazed of the woman she has grown in to. Ahhh, I just love that baby girl to pieces! And Levi is 12!!!! Say what??? My baby...he's a tween. Hard to believe. He is so funny, that kid keeps me laughing. And he is so gentle and sweet when I'm not feelin so hot. I thank God for his little boy hugs. I am excited to watch him change & grow. But I am just horrified that he has to go through all of this though, at such a precious time, such a young & confusing age. Makes me so sad beyond words. I just ache for him & what he is experiencing. It is so hard as a momma, I cannot protect my kids from this. I guess all I can do is try to teach them how to handle things, and try to teach them faith, grace, and dignity. Anyway, no more "negative Nancy!" Enough of that! Then, this morning I started thinking about Ty..and I feel kind of panicked, he will be leaving for Ashland University Aug 11th!!!!!! That is less than a month! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! I am NOT ready! Not my little Bubby! Although I know he is ready & excited to go. lol. Normally his leaving would be all about me, falling apart, feeling like my life is over (thats what happened when Jessi left) but now, with this whole cancer thing, I am actually excited to be here and watch him spread his wings! Yes, selfishly I never want him to leave, I want to be a mommy with kids at home forever, but I am sooooooo excited for him and his life. Ty is a beautiful soul and I am happy I am here to be his biggest fan! I think it will be kinda awesome too, to have something to look forward to & be really excited about...him coming home to visit! We all need something in the future to be eager for! Jeez, I am chatty Kathy! I am going to go SEIZE THE DAY... I am going to take a shower since I have only had 1 since last Thursday. That is just disgusting!!! lol. Hope this good feeling lasts!!! And to whoever reads this...have a great day today!

2010-07-10T04:45:00.004-04:00

(top left) my nieces Hannah and Sarah. (top right) my sisters; Terry, God rest her soul, Chris, and Lisa-in Chicago this past Dec. (left) my sissy jill :)

So, I feel much better physically than Thursday. But emotionally, that's another story. This whole process gets to me at times (chemo time) and I just become one big ball of a weepy, ridiculous mess! It's like a faucet gets turned on and I just cry....a lot. I hate it, because it's not me. And when you feel so bad, it is very hard sometimes to hold onto happiness, joy, and hope. Those are the moments I hate. That was me all day Thurs. and late last night. My poor hubby has to get up in a few at 5 am to work, and I lost it last night...stealing his sleep. My poor baby, going through this, AGAIN!!!! I still can't wrap my head or my heart around Terry being gone. Do we seriously have the same kind of cancer? Did she really die? It has all happened so fast. I miss her so badly. I want to see her beautiful eyes and infectious smile. I want to hear her laugh, and know that she'll be dancing at the next family party like she always did. I just want to hug her and never let go. The pain of losing her is so great. Here I go, crying again.
O.K. so I have to just say that TERRY, I AM FIGHTING THIS FOR US!!! I hope you hear me and know that I am trying to stay so strong and fight like hell, like you did. You are amazing and I love you!!!!!!!!!
I just have to say to myself, "Self, stop it! Stop being such a wuss, chin up, get your faith back!" It is so hard. Because I am so tired. I think the past 3 years is catching up with me. But, I do have to say that I am glad that I have something concrete I can fight head on. That whole dermatomyositis crap was way worse. That stole so much of my life, couldn't be outside in the sun, or garden/mulch/plant flowers, swim with my baby boy, work under fluorescent lights, shop at grocery due to the lights, again, go to church because of the lights, couldn't wash my hair because the water felt like it was scalding hot, couldn't dry off with a towel because the skin on my back and chest was so tender and painful. It was awful! Way worse than this cancer. I am not trying to be like....woe is me. Trust me, I know there are so many people out there with WAY bigger crosses to bear than mine, and I am thankful for mine. Thankful it's me and not my kids or husband. Just reminding myself of how I felt then....and praising God that getting chemo resolved all of that! Now I just have permanent discoloration on my face, but I can cover it with make-up! wohoo! No more purple and red raised, itching lesions! Don't know if any of you saw "Theres something about Mary," but I seriously was EXACTLY like Woogie. lol. Wasn't funny at the time...I felt like a crazed psycho scratching every few seconds all the time. Sure I looked like one too! And then there was the disseminated histoplasmosis in '08, which was also worse than this chemo crap. And God spared me and let me live. I do have so many blessings in all of this. I just have to remember them when I am feeling weary.
So, I am letting all this out, publicly, because I want my entire truth to be known. Not just the "rainbows and butterflies" side of me. THIS is cancer. It sucks! It is the biggest mind *#$*&%# ever! It is a difficult path. Sometimes it gets the best of me, but I have to remember....not to look in the rear view mirror for too long, or I could crash. And live for today. The truth is, we are all dying, I could get killed tomorrow by a bus....so I need to stop feeling overwhelmed with the future, today is all we know we have! That is just negative, wasted energy. Alrighty....I'm back baby!!!
One more thing, the pics above....got to give props to Miranda (not pictured), Hannah, and Sarah...my sweetest ever nieces. I cannot believe how you love me! I feel it every day when I get the mail!!! You are so dedicated to lifting my spirits with your beautiful artwork. Makes me smile BIG! I love you guys to the moon! TEAM EDWARD ALL THE WAY!!!!! yeah!
And my amazing, strong, beautiful sisters...I love you and find more comfort in you than you'll EVER know! Words cannot express how much I do love you! You know how they say blood is thicker than water? Well...my ass it is! Chris and Lisa....you are my sisters...to the end. God blessed me with the most precious Adducchio family...I am so very lucky to have you. (All of you Adducchios!) "A sister is someone to laugh, sing, dance, and cry with." I found my necklace Chris, won't come off again :) And we've done it all. ( Personally, I prefer the laughing, singing, and dancing. especially your"happy birthday" wretched singing lisa, hahaha)
To my sweet Jill, my "twin"...I am connected to you so deeply. I am so happy we look alike, sound alike, same mannerisms, think alike. It's crazy...the love we have. I don't know what I would do without you! You are always there for me, you pick me up, cry with me, hold me, keep me laughing. You have always been right by my side. You are my best friend, my confidant, a huge part of my heart. You drop everything when i need you, you are a second mamma to my babies. You are the most giving, loving, precious gift! And I thank God for you. Every day.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding noone can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

AMEN

STUPID CANCER!!!!! YOU WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT, CANNOT STEAL MY SOUL!!!! YOU CANNOT TAKE MY HOPE, MY FAITH, MY JOY I HAVE INSIDE FOR MY LIFE! OR MY LAUGHTER EITHER! TAKE THAT STUPID *&%#@#& CANCER BALL!!!!

ok. i am officially nuts! hahaha Oh wait, i already was! heeheehee

2010-07-09T04:24:00.006-04:00

Jessica, Levi & Tyler

These pics were taken last month in our backyard in the rain. I had to post them today, they are the loves of my life. And that's what I am clinging to today. Been hit hard with chemo #3. Don't know when I will post again. Hopefully this won't last too long. God, give me strength & restore my soul. amen

2010-07-08T05:50:00.002-04:00

MY SWEET
PAULIE!!!

I am sooooo lucky to be married to this man! Whether I have hair or am bald, he makes me feel beautiful...ALWAYS! It didn't matter to him when my face was so blotchy and red/purple (my patients were afraid for me to touch them-lol), or when my face was so swollen I looked, well, chinese, with my eyes so squinty, or when i grew my beard from the steroids and had as much back hair as the 40 yr old virgin did chest hair, hahaha. he just called me his little chewbaca and always said how beautiful i was. He tolerated all those long nights when I was so itchy and wore mittens to bed to try to stop scratching. He held me through countless mini breakdowns. He carried me when I couldn't walk. When I looked like a walking skeleton, he still looked in my eyes and said how beautiful I was. He hooked up my IVs and was my personal nurse. He has taken care of the house and the kids. He has been RIGHT by my side every step of the way through all of this! I could list soooooo many ways this awesome man has loved me...but I have to go to chemo! YAY!!!!

Sorry Ricky, I will try to post more. love you baby!

Damon.....you are the sweetest thing ever! Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! My BFF is afraid to write a comment because she said you are like a gifted author, writing so beautifully. lol (its true) p.s. i love my new CD!!!

Amy Adkins...holy cow! I haven't seen you in forever! So good to know you are praying for me!! That cheer jump was for you, remember you beat me out for tryouts in 8th grade. hahahahaha. Oh, gosh, that makes me giggle. please keep praying. I hope you and your family are happy and healthy!! God bless !!!! p.s. keep in touch-so happy you read this!

2010-07-02T17:34:00.002-04:00

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, today i got my pet scan results. and..........NO TUMORS OR TUMOR ACTIVITY IN ANY LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!! and the mediastinal tumor has shrunk hugely, and the "activity" of it went from 12.3 to 2.4!!!!!!

so...the video above is me dancin in the hood in dayton, i couldn't control myself. i had to get out and dance! two bystanders said, "go on girl....you gots it goin on baby!" HAHAHAHAHA

I AM GIVING A HUGE SHOUT OUT TO GOD! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY PRAYERS!!!!!! EVERYONE KEEP PRAYING, i still have a fight ahead of me. i have been putting all of my trust in him, and have been trying to surrender my body, mind, and spirit to him.....i asked him to use me for his will and to send angels to protect and heal me. so far.....so good! wow... i am OVERWHELMED with joy!

Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite) "For i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord, "plans to give you hop and a future, to prosper you and not harm you!"

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!!!! HAPPY 4TH!

2010-07-01T17:20:00.002-04:00

I went, I saw..........
TERMINATOR JESUS!!!

My friend Jenni Wunderlich and I took a mecca to touchdown Jesus! hahaha!!! Hope chemo does to my cancer what lightening did to that statue! heeheeheehee! We went 30 mph to get this pic for all to see, think we made a few drivers a little mad. lol.

I can't write for long, still have to frost cupcakes for Levi's 12th b-day party. It's in 1/2 hr :) and as usual, i am not ready.

TOP 10 REASONS I LIKE ROCKIN IT BALD:

1. it takes 5 minutes to get ready.
2. i can drive with ALL the windows down
3. it's ok, actually, great to get caught in the rain!
4. it's a good sympathy card to pull to get quick service at certain stores (like verizon) haha
5. i have instant air conditioning
6. elimination of hair care products & salon fees.
7. NO MORE GRAYS!!!!!
8. it is funny to confuse small children in the public womens restroom! lmao!!!!
9. i don't have to shave anywhere anymore, except those damn chin hairs!!!
10. it beats the alternative....which would be one heck of a comb-over!!!

got my pet scan today...hope to post really great news soon! adios!

2010-06-29T08:31:00.008-04:00

i i i iam sooo mad. i posted a blog yesterday..or i thought i did. UGH! i wish jessi was here. i suck at the computer!!!

i started yesterday's blog.... Hi Ricky!!!! i was sooooooo happy to see you at the lake. you are a doll baby and i love you to bits! keep praying for me, don't forget!

so, we went to the lake to celebrate lisa's 50th birthday. she got lots of awesome gifts, that's all i can say about that. hahaha. i am sure she will have fun with them. :) i will post a "lake rat" picture later, since i have NO idea how to and jessi is gone for 2 days....starting her new job! hooray! nevermind...she just walked me through it over the phone...yay! i did it! i feel like kip from napolean dynamite... i LOVE technology! haha. ok, now i just added dave's 50th birthday picure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! "i neva beeen so happy in my who life!" quote from long duck dong. oh, i crack myself up. if you read this dave...i love you! and yes ladies, he's available!!!!

well, i get repeat pet scan thurs, should know results by monday...hope its good news! then i should be off to houston 2-3 weeks from then. trust in the lord with all your heart!!!! thats like my daily mantra. lol

i have to go...feeling great and lots to do today. peace out!

2010-06-23T09:54:00.002-04:00

My heart is heavy. My brother, David, and his wife Robyn, lost her momma unexpectedly yesterday. They are devastated. Please pray for them. I wish I could take away their pain.

Yesterday was a rough day...but thank you Karson for catching fireflies with me when I felt better last night. It fed my soul! You are the sweetest little girl! and i love you.

2010-06-22T08:34:00.003-04:00

Namaste! ok...so i DID yoga today! quite entertaining! i am sooo NOT limber, hahaha. i would like to take a minute to thank ALL the fabulous people in my life who love me so much! there are too many people, too many acts of generosity and kindness to list...it OVERWHELMS me... the love i feel!!! so, with all of my heart (you know who you are) i thank you! this journey i am on sucks immensely, but at the same time, it has been a beautiful gift of friendship and love. it is like chemo...i hate it and love it all at the same time! for whatever reason, i am on this path...and i am so blessed to be carried by all of you!

Proverbs 3:3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

2010-06-21T09:39:00.003-04:00

seize the day! goal for today...shower! (and put on makeup while i still have eyelashes-hahaha) i am excited that jessi helped me make this blog. i will try to write when i can. So, yesterday i was bed bound..which is good...kickin cancer butt! today i have made it out of bed :) i had a great weekend with my bff, laura. actually...soul sister! 2day lookin forward to jenni edwards visiting. and jenni wunderlich driving here from seattle! i can't wait to give her a big fat hug!

medical update...i have completed round 2 (of 6) of chemo. and....this is soooo super exciting...i will be going to md anderson in houston, texas in about 5-6 weeks for 2nd opinion (and possible treatment). it is a leading national cancer hospital that is really progressive. "hallelujah!" (and i am singing that opera style...lol) i'm exhausted...will write later.

Proverbs 15:13 a happy heart makes the face cheerful...