well, change of plans! so I was hospitalized 3times, had fevers chills and cold sweats for a few weeks, blew up with fluid overload, had a paracentisis to drain fluid from my 8 months pregnant looking belly, got blood, and had half of my liver blown up with radiation beads directly injected through my arteries to the tumors. So, today, at 102 pounds and exhausted, i am finally well enough to write for the first time since my last post. I'm not telling you all of the above for pity, just an update medically. Plus then you will understand my list I'm going to write about what I am thankful for.
   
     I have to say that I would not be able to even want to live my life if it weren't for Paul. I am more than thankful in my heart that he rubs my feet and back every day (even when I can smell my own Bo because I've been in bed, unshowered for a few days). That he is my nurse with regards to bringing me my medicine day and night, and pushing fluids & food. That he drops everything for me, including his home Bengal games. That he helps me walk when I am weak. That he cracks a joke or says something silly when I need it. That he always opens the car door for me, and now pushes me in a wheelchair when I need one. That he stays right by my side either in bed or on the couch when he is home. For the night I was so chilled to my bones despite the 5 blankets he covered me with, and he spooned with me to warm me up-even though I was like104 degrees and violently shivering for hours. And when he gaspingly begged to get out because he was dripping with sweat and couldn't breath, I  said with my teeth chattering oh no it will make a cold pocket, please don't leave. He stayed. That he is always ready with a puke bucket. For the day he quietly just took my baby fits and displaced anger, he just kept trying to do something right. For him holding me when I cry, which has been a lot lately. For being my chef, laundress, maid, and yard boy. But all of these things, and many more, all add up to what puts joy in my heart and soul, and makes me most thankful....

     For when Paul holds my face in his hands, looks me directly in my eyes and tells me I am beautiful and he loves me so much. And I believe him! I can feel his heart and i know I am the luckiest girl in the world. I know he isn't just saying it, I feel it in his eyes, his touch, and the tender way he takes care of me always. I just look back into his eyes and think, YOU are the beautiful one who I love so much! So this thanksgiving I am more thankful than words can express that my partner in crime is the most selfless, loving, beautiful soul I've ever known. I know what a rare treasure I have. I'm gonna get better for you Paulie!
   
   

I am writing to ask for prayers. Prayer for strength, hope, and healing, not just for myself but more importantly my beautiful husband and children. I have decided to stop all chemotherapy. (hold on, I know what that sounds like. I AM NOT giving up!) So, actually I have been pretty stubborn & have continued it when my body has been screaming noooooo! I have been praying with all of my heart for answers from God, and I am 100 percent sure that I cannot do it anymore. It has gotten to the point that I am actually killing my body quicker than the cancer will. I have been merely existing on my couch, only able to minimally participate in life for quite awhile now. I haven't been able to shower on a daily basis, cook dinner, do any household chores, (trust me you should be soooo thankful when you physically can) and at times barely make it to the bathroom. I like to pretend that everything is ok, so it's really hard for me to be honest about how bad I have been doing. But the truth is that I feel my body slipping away if I continue this path. I have been in a dark place lately. My spirit started slipping too, so that's when I knew... Enough! I am really struggling with nutrition and endurance to stay off the couch for more than an hour or two. So if you remember please say a little extra prayer for me to be able to eat better and get my strength up. I have got to get some weight back and get some exercise. It might be 3 minutes of sweatin to the oldies with Richard Simmons but I HAVE to make myself start moving! And I'm sure Paul would really appreciate it if my ass doesn't hang to my knees anymore! I'm serious.... It's gotten so bad. Funny how with the flip of a switch it (muscle) all disappears so quickly. I just want my muffin top back!!!

I want to tell you that I know how bad this all sounds, but it is good! I see light at the end of the tunnel! (and noooo, not that light...I'm trying to stay far away from that one lol) I feel the weight of the world lifted off of me. Because all this time I have been struggling with turmoil, both physically and mentally. And now I have peace in my heart. And hopefully once I get all of this poison out of my system I will feel tons better. I stopped last wednesday, and I'm having moments of feeling better. I was hospitalized recently and felt so much better after blood, fluids, and a 1 week chemo break. So, I should slowly start getting back to living my life :) I am also going to see a naturopathic doctor to help try to heal my body naturally, if nothing else...make it feel better and give it what it needs. I see her next week.

So, today if you are overwhelmed, tired, hating, fighting, or just going along with a mundane day... Remember how blessed you are that you can squeeze dinner in somehow, run your kids all over, face the bills, work on that laundry, take time for your child, play outside, take the dog for a walk, meet a friend.... All the things I miss so much!

     So... I have very happy news! I haven't been blogging hardly, well... that is because I have been feeling so badly. After my last pet scan... I was starting to wonder if I was on my way out, no joke. Thank God for our new sofa, otherwise I'm sure I'd have a stage 4 wound on my right hip with a wound vac attached! I have literally laid in "bed" for about 7 weeks now, with the exception of a couple times I felt ok enough to go try to participate in life- like the Troy Strawberry Festival, or a quick boat ride at Indian Lake. But what the pictures don't show- is me about to pass out getting out of the boat, or going into a sleeping coma for 2 days from walking a couple of blocks. I am serious, it's been bad. Every time I would shower I couldn't get to the toilet fast enough afterwords to sit down because I was short of breath, my heart rate would jump to 140-160, and I'd feel faint.  They have ruled out heart failure (from the chemo) so I was just thinking maybe this is getting close to closing time, lol. I was trying to adjust my attitude to my new way of life. Wellllll.... my happy news is that this whole time it has been because my freaking hemoglobin was 6.8!!! (normal is 12+) NO WONDER I couldn't breath or function and I was so pasty!!! My poor little ticker was working in overdrive to try to get me some oxygen! So this past week I got a blood transfusion and that night I was vacuuming our pool and watering my poor, dying flowers and new trees. I felt like going out dancing, had a smile ear to ear, and was so overjoyed! I felt alive again! (Before I couldn't hardly walk to the barn to kitchen to get a drink!) The following day was rough- I am assuming I overdid it. But I've been great since. I am so, so, so happy!!!! I don't have to fill that prescription I had gotten for a wheelchair! I can walk, run, play again!!! Okay, well maybe not run hahaha. And let me tell you, it is exhilarating! I never thought I'd feel that way about going to the grocery, but it is! And today was the best day ever... we took Wyatt to the Newport Aquarium for his 1st birthday and I was able to walk the whole thing for 1.5 hrs and go out to eat afterwards, no wheelchair. Thank you God that I was easily fixable!!! p.s I think this new chemo pill is working (I'm giggling) because I used to only be able to lie on my right side- and now I can do my left, back, and even my stomach! wooohoooo!!!  :)  That's all I have for now but I will put some pics up tomorrow of our trip today if I can get them from Jessi. I hope y'all are having as wonderful a week as I am.

Hello everyone! I haven't written in awhile, haven't been feeling so hot. Quick medical update- I ended up in the hospital for about a week at the end of April, I think. I was having problems with tachycardia (fast heart beat) among other issues. So long story short... I didn't get anymore IV chemo. I've had to be off of chemo until this week to allow myself a chance to recover a bit. My Dr. was thinking I've just had more chemo than a body can take.I've had issues since, just up and down with how I'm feeling. But I started on really low dose chemo Monday to try to stop stuff from growing too fast. No more IV (strong) chemo for me, Dr.'s orders. Which I am totally agreeable with! Enough of that junk though. I am just rolling with each day as it comes and excited that Levi is out of school, so happy it is summertime!!!


In other news, Tyler recently got home from his mission trip to Panama. He had a very good experience there, except when he was sleeping and said that either a lizard or mouse crawled across his leg and he isn't quite sure which one it was! Ewwwww! No thank you! I have to say that I am so very proud of the beautiful man my son has become. He is such a loving soul and it makes my heart happy.


Jessica has started grad school- go momma go! I know she will do wonderful things in her life with furthering her education. She already does! I don't know how she's doing it all; renovating her new house, working, raising a baby, going to grad school, dealing with my illness, volunteering at the equestrian center for people with disabilities. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with what good people God sent to me to raise. I'm so lucky they are mine!!!


I know it's not much, but it's an update and I'm tired. Will write again soon.


p.s. Levi is as tall as me!!!!!!!!!! He's totally changing into a man before my very eyes! I see it every day... again, makes my heart happy I am here to see it :)  Gosh, I love that kid!


p.p.s. yessss, that is 10 of us riding on the golf cart up at the lake... count em! hahahaha

I don't even know where to start! I went to my appt on Wednesday to get my pet scan results. It had been a really terrible week 3 days in, and I had spent 2 hours before my appt feeling like I could throw up, trying to psych myself up for hearing how much worse my cancer was. I decided I was going to tell my Dr to only say better, same, or worse... well- mildly, moderately, or severely worse, but NO details! Jenni is here to visit and I didn't want to go down that mental road again. So I just kept telling myself, you know it's worse (it always is) so just pretend you didn't hear that and go on how you feel! I was finally peaceful in my heart when I got to the office. So when the medical assistant came in I said to her, "Now listen, this has been a horrible week. So you go out there and tell Dr. M there's nooooo Eeyore today! He has to come in here smiling and tell him to just lie to me and tell me I'm either cured or better. I'm serious, just lie to me." She chuckled and said she would. Soooo, door opens, Dr. M has a huge, cheesy smile and shakes my hand. I said, "That's really good!" (You have to understand he NEVER looks like that- he always has a concerning, sad look and I am just impressed he is going along with my shenanigans.) So, he sits down and says something to the effect of it (the cancer) is all better, still smiling... big. I am perplexed because I know he would never, even jokingly, take it this far. I am realizing that I think he's serious! I just say, "SHUT UP!" All I can do is awkwardly stare at him... am I being punked?After a few seconds, "Are you serious?" I just could not absorb in my brain what he was saying. Now, you would think I would jump up and down with joy... but all I could manage to do was smile, only half believing his words. I was utterly dumbfounded!!! I just could not comprehend that my cancer was "better". I mean I thought the very best case scenario would be that it could be stable disease, which means no progression. He went on to say that a few of the tumors were actually gone, and all the rest were smaller and the uptake- which is how much they "light up"/how active they are- was about cut in half. He seemed pretty amazed by all of this. As did I! I still wasn't quite really believing this though. He said ALL of them were smaller and less active, wow. So we discussed that we need to for sure continue with this treatment. Problem; I can only have 2 more doses of Adriamycin and I will be at the lifetime maximum dose you can have without causing heart failure. But he mentioned some drug they have given to children with the Adriamycin that prevents the heart damage, although he has never given it... and I'm not a child. Hmmmm, I asked him what are the risks/odds here, because I didn't fight this hard and come all this way to die of a big fat coronary!!! hahaha. So, he is going to do some research while I finish up 2 more rounds and we will go from there. Sounds good to me! If there is 1 thing I have learned in all of this it is to not think about the past or too far into the future either. So Paul and I went home and for about 24 hours I was saying the words about my good news, but it was very surreal. Just like when they told me I had this cancer...I just could not accept or believe that it was better! Denial, I guess. Then yesterday I was driving home from taking Tyler to pick up his "new" car in Beavercreek and it hit me. It really hit me.... all of these tumors have shrunk! All of these tumors are not wildly growing out of control! This chemo is WORKING! What??? This horrible chemo is worth it! IT IS ACTUALLY WORTH IT!!! I didn't make a mistake in my decision to try 1 last time!!! There was always hope! HOPE IS REAL.... always, no matter how bad things are! My God in heaven, hospice was mentioned in January... and here I was wondering if I would live to see Levi turn 14 in July, praying that when "it" starts to happen that I will go quickly for my family's sake, blah, blah, blah... BUT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A PRECIOUS MIRACLE!!!! I have been given 2 gifts actually, the gift of time and the gift of freedom. I felt so free, like chains had been cut from my arms and legs. I felt like I had been at war (like Braveheart) for 2 years... never winning and having to armor up and keep fighting, fighting, fighting a losing battle... but this time I won! I just broke down in the car, sobbing so hard I could barely drive. Snot was flying, my shoulders were shaking uncontrollably, it just all came out. All of the everything I've been carrying for almost 2 years was just being lifted from me. It was a sweet release of fear, pain, sorrow, and angst mixed with an OVERWHELMING joy! I just kept looking up to the sky crying happy tears, smiling, and praising God for this miracle. I kept telling Him I knew that this was only possible from Him. I kept thanking him that I have been given the gift of another season with my babies and my husband without feeling the white elephant in the room! That we can just be, just enjoy every day with no worries. TRULY no worries. There's no dark cloud lurking overhead. We don't have to pretend that things aren't getting worse. My baby boy will have more time with me, be a little older and be able to remember me better! Wyatt will be able to figure out what he is going to call me, I can have quality time with Tyler before he returns to Ashland in the fall, watch Jess and Zack set up house and begin their new family. We can have so much FUN this summer... go to a water park, go zip-lining, go fishing, go boating, horseback riding, maybe go up to Lake Erie for a day to fish...my mind was racing with all of the things I want to do. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO VERY THANKFUL! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! Wow, I am just so happy! It is going to be a great summer! It is worth the bad days on this chemo! It is worth it!!! wow, wow, wow. I'm still a little speechless. I want to thank every single person for every single prayer... they've been answered! And I am still just so amazed and thankful and overjoyed!!! Now hopefully I won't be so narcissistic! Hahaha, yeah! I'm done being so stinking self-absorbed. My life can finally be about everyone else and I love it!!! By the way, when I got home Zack told me I needed to call Tyler because his new car wouldn't start and he was stuck in Beavercreek. I just laughed... ok, back to the usual! hahahaha. It just needed a new battery, thank God... again!

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in awhile... this chemo is really kicking my butt. I have just been so tired, the recoup time is getting longer. But today I feel great. (Thank you God!) It's so gorgeous outside, I hope to actually accomplish something today! And hopefully take Levi fishing and then to Night Sky for dessert when he gets home from track. That was the plan yesterday but it didn't happen. And I feel so guilty/bad when I don't feel good and can't follow through on my promises to him. That is a really hard thing to be ok with. So, anyhoo.... this weekend we went to Tyler's triathlon and I DID IT!!! I walked 5K!!!! wohooo! I didn't think I was going to be able to beforehand- but Sat was a good day and I felt totally normal. I have spent the past 3 days in bed afterward, but hey, got it done and had fun doing it! It was great... Laura, Connor, Hollee and her clan, my cousin Karla (and Mike & Brittney) were there too! I can't say how much it meant to me that they came. And I can't say how proud I am of Tyler for putting the whole event together. Just beaming inside! So, after the triathlon they held a St. Baldrick's shavathon to raise money for children's cancer research... for which Levi and Connor shaved their heads. It was hilarious to see Levi mid-shaved with a hula skirt!!! I was like, Oh my gosh... fast forward 20 years ladies!!! hahahahha. Cracked my butt up! It was really creepy to see him looking like a 60 year old!hahaha. Still making me giggle. And I had an epiphany while we were there... I'm bald and I finally don't care. I saw 2 young college girls shave their heads and I thought to myself... wow- to be that young age and not care what people think, to CHOOSE to shave their heads! If they can do THAT (and still be absolutely beautiful btw) then I'm done being insecure in public!!! I don't care about the stares anymore. I am done wearing my dumb bandannas and hats!!! (unless it is cold) I mean seriously Janet!!! Why have I been torturing myself? My head itches so bad when I wear them, beside the fact that I have hearing loss from chemo and when my ears are covered I really can't hear worth a crap! Then throw hot flashes (yes they are back with a vengeance) in the mix... and I am left wondering why I would put myself through that. Just so noone looks at me strange or pathetically?!? I'm over it. So, if I feel insecure... I will think about those girls, and that picture Ally put up on fb with the cartoon of all the Disney girls rocking it bald, and about every other woman out there who is fighting for their life, and remember that hair really doesn't matter-like AT ALL. I don't know what happened to me this time, I was so ok with it before. I guess I just loved my hair so much when it grew back, I remembered how it felt to feel like a woman, pretty. It was hard to let go of it again. I have to laugh though, because out of the blue last week Levi came up to me and said, "Mom, I think you look so much prettier bald. I didn't like that puffy, curly hair. It didn't look like you." He made my day!!! Thank you Levi! Gotta love kids for their honesty.

I've got to go so I get something done.... have a great day! Oh, 2 more things real quick- Jenni is coming home from WA next week!!!!!! I cannot wait to hang out with her! I wish I could see that girl all of the time! I love her so, so much and she keeps me laughing. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself!!! Also, I am scheduled for follow-up pet scan next week. YUCK! I don't wanna know!!! I am not going to get the results until the following week so I can have a great time with Jenni. Will post when I know... although it's a mute point to me. It is what it is, so who really cares what the scan says. I am so over scans lol.

Good morning! I have emerged from my chemo coma today! I am hungry and desperately need a shower, lol. So this round wasn't as bad as the first, of which I am so so thankful. I can do this. I meant to post before my last treatment but didn't get around to it. We had so much fun at the cabin! Who knew that Paul was such a good DJ? Ohhhh my, if only you could have seen it. We were a hot mess! But we sure had fun singing! I was so impressed with all of the emotion everyone put into their performances. Phil was swinging his mic, Lisa and I did some back-up dancing, it was awesome. Peg and Anne win for best voice though! And Chris was quite impressive too-that girl has serious stage presence! ... wish I had video of it all. The rest of us just thought we sounded good, hahaha. It was so good to get away and just have fun. We played scrabble- shout out to Scott, taboo (LOTS of taboo), went for a walk as it started snowing. Some of those ding-dongs got in the hot tub, we went out for Mexican, I don't know- just had a really nice, RELAXING weekend! It was great. Then I came home and Sarah had made me this absolutely beautiful collage for my wall to look at and focus on with my next treatment. It brought me to tears... I wasn't expecting it and it was so beautiful (see pic above). It has everything I need on it and is the most loving gift. God, I love that girl!!!

That's about it for now, I'm pooped just from writing this. Just wanted to be sure I let y'all know that I'm good.

I don't even know where to start. I read all of the comments from my latest post and oh my! I couldn't stop crying. It felt so good to read and feel the love, overwhelmingly so! Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! Wow, those prayers really got me, because "I'll be praying for you" is a fairly standard comment that I hear all of the time- and to be honest, doesn't really help me feel better. Or didn't anyway. I have heard it so much that I just started to feel like it's a standard line people say to me, undertsandably because what else are you going to say to someone whose cancer just keeps getting worse. That is how I was feeling about that- until I logged on with the intention of blogging last night and was so moved and overwhelmed I couldn't even write. I just cried (off and on for the rest of the night) and thanked God in my prayer to be so loved and cared about. It was one of my best nightly prayers with Levi by the way! I hope he remembers it for a long time- how much we are loved, how blessed we are, how much his mommy felt loved that night. I needed so badly to hear everything you guys wrote- I cannot express to you how it lifted my spirit and gave me comfort! This chemo I am taking is harder than I anticipated. I lost 12 pounds in a week if that tells you anything. I mean, I am fine now... but the week following treatment was horrible. I "lost" 3 days I was so out of it, thank God. The ones I remember- I don't want to. The truth is that this is becoming harder. I wish so bad they could put me in a medically induced coma for a week so I wouldn't have to endure the living hell I went through. But I guess one of my favorite quotes is so true- "if there were no suffering, there would be no compassion." Not that I am suffering, I hate that word. I am not!!! Once the chemo wears off I am all good. But that week after is unimaginable. I have no doubt at all that the enemy tried really hard to get his digs in this last round. I don't really want to put it all out there, but I have to. What is the point of my blogging if I am not completely honest? In a perfect world I want to write positive, uplifting things but I guess I'm certainly not living in a perfect world right now, lol. And I certainly wasn't positive with this last chemo round. I really struggled with it. When I did wake up it kind of felt like I had died and gone straight to hell... and I didn't care. I didn't have one single ounce of a good thought or feeling. I just layed there in my bed staring at the wall, feeling like my body was literally rotting from the inside out. I didn't care about anyone or anything. In my mind (at the time) I just wanted to die. I felt like I physically couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this whole nightmare to be over. All I could think to myself was please God make this stop! Just let me go God!!! I don't want to be here anymore! I hate this place and my family would be so much better off with me gone. Please God, just free them! Free me. I am not strong and I cannot endure this anymore. I didn't feel God anywhere. I felt nothing, just darkness. I remember when I finally did start getting out of bed with Paul's help, I would just cry. I would look into his eyes and just cry. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and begged him to let me stop it all. Ok, here's the main part I DO NOT want to write or admit to... but the thought crossed my mind to just swallow every pain pill I have in my cupboard. (Now listen.. I am NOT suicidal! And I would NEVER EVER take my life! EVER in a million years!!! So settle down Jill! Don't get all psycho on me and think I need counseling or antidepressants, etc.) That is just how badly I was feeling that that thought did cross my mind! Because I have never understood people taking their own life. First of all it's a sin, second I trust God with all of my heart and His plan for me and us, third I adore my life! I just was that low, physically and then spiritually from this chemo. So anyway, when those thoughts entered my head- that's when I remembered to pray. That is when "I" came back and started to think rationally. One night when everyone else was sleeping I was walking to the bathroom but I didn't make it there, I just kinda collapsed on the kitchen floor, kneeling down to beg God for strength. Physically, but more importantly spiritually. I felt so incredibly weary. I was telling Him how weary I was, how I cannot take one more step in my life. And then, mid prayer it came to me... Isaiah 40:31. I think the word weary triggered it. You know, I bet it was God that triggered it! So I just stayed there for the longest time, repeating over and over that verse. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And I kept saying, "God, help me to walk, help me to run, help me not to be weary anymore, my hope is in you." The next day I started feeling better. And each day got a little better.

Whew, it's all out there. I am quite uncomfortable writing all of this and I don't particularly like reliving it again, but it is what it is... my truth. I guess I just want for you to know the depth of the pit I was in- so that you can know what your prayers mean to me. I am NOT alone. And people don't just say I'll be praying for you. I am being carried and that is the most beautiful gift I could ever recieve!!! Ya know, I completely believe in Footprints in the Sand, but I also know now that the love from many beautiful souls carry me too! You guys are wonderful and I am so grateful. I'm so lucky! Funny thing too, at church Sunday the verse on the bulletin was Isaiah 40:31! And my pastor quoted it during the sermon. That's no co-inky-dink!!!!

So Paul and I are going away this weekend to our annual get-away to a cabin at Brookville Lake. Friends and family will all be there and I can't wait! I am almost 100% and I am not having pain anymore. I haven't had any since 1st day of chemo... thank you God!!! Hopefully it will be as fun as last year. I'm sure it will be thanks to my new karaoke machine, the hot tub, and lots of alcohol. Well, I can't drink- but they all can! I can't wait to hike there too. Not sure how far I will get but I am a pretty determined girl. And I am going to go to the store and buy stuff to make myself a board while we are there to hang by my bed to prepare for next friday's chemo. I want to put those 2 prayers from my comments on there and other stuff that is really beautiful to me so I have something happy, comforting, and positive to focus on next time. I REFUSE to let the next round be a repeat! I am spiritually preparing this time for sure! I will be ready and satan will not enter my room this time! I have officially kicked his ass to the curb! See ya! Well, actually I won't see him again... because God is way bigger than him and I will be protected this time. I will have my "armor" on and ready for battle. Wow, I am so dramatic, lol.

I have got to get going, so much to do today before I babysit Wyatt here in a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you every single person who helps carry me when I am weak. Mostly, thank you for your prayers for my family! Because THAT is the part of this whole deal that burdens my soul. The hardest part of cancer- is knowing the path they endure with me, because of me.

Oh, and in case you might be wondering why in the world I would even subject myself to this kind of chemo when nothing seems to be working... well, I had been given 2 choices at my last appointment with Dr. M. The first choice was hospice, and to even hear those words come out of his mouth made my heart sink. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, my God I feel fine! Ya, I started having pain in my belly a couple weeks ago... but at that moment I was up to 123 pounds, (which is the most I have weighed in almost 2 years) I have energy and function totally normally, my liver and all of my other organs are functioning perfectly fine. WHAT? hospice? Are you kidding me? Noooo way! I am not ok with just giving up or into this @#%#@ cancer!!! So the bottom line is that desperate times call for desperate measures, lol. I'm so desperate at this point to shrink down this crap growing in my liver that I will do just about anything! I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I cannot accept dying, just can't. I always knew my stubborness and determiniation would serve me well one day, hahaha. Dr. M even said that to read my reports you would picture someone not in good shape (I think he meant like on their death bed) and that it's mind-boggling to look at me. I physically don't match what is going on in my body. All praise to God for that btw. So he said he was willing, despite what colleages might call him crazy for, to treat me with this particular chemo again. I am happy that he won't give up on me either!!! So, it is true- never say never! I never thought I would choose this again, but it's my best option, my only option to fight to live!

Medical update:

Cancer Treatment Center of America was a bust! Well, not totally... they were very nice and treated me in a way I hadn't yet experienced with regard to healthcare. It was a very happy, positive place to be. But, like everywhere else, they didn't really have anything else to offer me because thymic cancer is so rare and pretty much noone knows what to do. Turns out I am not a candidate for theraspheres or radiation to my liver because there are too many tumors. So... plan B!!! Tomorrow (fri) I am starting another chemo. Going back to the 1st round of chemo I ever had. Which I'm stoked about actually. It is the only treatment I got that put me into remission... and it has been long enough between treatments that I can do it again. Downslide is that it is 3 chemos that are kick ass- as in kick my ass! lol. So I am just praying with all my heart that it does what it did the first time, therefore worth going through. Oh, and I will be bald again :( I am so, so sad about that- but it is what it is, so I just have to chin up, bandana on, and take it one day at a time!!! I will get it every 3 weeks if my body/blood counts can take it... so here goes! Once again, LET'S ROLL!!!

p.s. All my thanks to God for this option :) I pray I will feel it burning the crap out of my liver and destroy whats trying to destroy me. May God work through my doctor, nurses, and medicine to heal my body. amen.

I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!! I spoke with the people at Cancer Treatment Centers of America today (I finally have insurance that covers them woop! woop!) and I am filled with a brand spankin new sense of hope and encouragement. I don't know why, because the good Lord knows I have been steadfast in my faith, but I feel different in my heart of hearts right now. I actually believe I can be healed of this cancer, I don't know if I will be, but I- for the first time- REALLY believe it's possible. Okay, I am sooo out of control with thoughts at the moment... let me stick to the CTCA deal. First of all I will be going this month, hopefully in approximately 2 wks if we can get all the records, blah blah blah. You should see my file by the way- it's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever seen one so thick, hahaha. It doesn't even contain all the papers properly, they need to start vol 2 before the binding breaks. I'll take a pic of it with my cell phone next week so you can see what I'm talking about. Well, if I can remember! Secondly, the guy I spoke to on the phone was very uplifting and hopeful. And that was such a great feeling, to be talked to with hope. He was talking about treating my whole body, spirit, and mind so that my immune system can be at top form to be able to fight the cancer. He talked to me about stress management (counseling and massages for both Paul and I etc), receiving pastoral care,having a dietitian consult for nutritional counseling to fight the cancer (which I am totally big into right now), acupuncture, seeing a medical oncologist, surgical oncologist, radiation oncologist, a naturopathic Dr. for vitamins, supplements, and herbs that my body needs (specifically for my body based on blood work they will do). Yada yada yada... it goes on and on. I am so excited about all of this because I do know that in order to heal myself from this cancer my immune system has to be restored, as well as my spirit and my mind. So... the unexpected news from my phone consultation was this... I may (or may not) be a candidate for a fairly new treatment for liver cancer. Greeeat, I can't remember what it is called. Hold on, Zack just got up and told me... therasphere! hahaha, wow, I really have some serious short term memory problems. Anyhoo, they run a catheter from your groin into your hepatic artery and inject up to 8 million tiny glass spheres loaded with yttrium that go directly to all of the capillaries feeding my tumors and radiate the crap out of them!!! heeheehee. It makes me giggle an evil little laugh to think I may have another option still available that could destroy or seriously stun my stupid tumors!I just visualize that happening and I am so so happy. I would love nothing more than to zap all those invaders! THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!! All I ever hear is, "palliative care," or "it's about the quality of life," or "we can try 1 chemo at a time and see if anything works" (looking at me with sad, puppy dog, I'm so sorry eyes) Wellll, HA! I might be a candidate for a whole lot more! I'm not going to managed by pharmaceutical companies alone anymore! There is hope for me yet!!! Yay! super Yay! Super thank you Jesus! I hope you will pray for me (and pray hard!) that they will be able to do that therasphere stuff to my liver. And I will be praying for guidance and wisdom on my new little path I'm taking. I hope that God will use this place/journey to help me find a new way of life :) One of COMPLETE trust and without fear! Fear has got to go! And I know better! Oh my gosh I can't wait to get there! There is an additional bonus as well- it will be a nice trip & alone time (noooo kids!) with my man! We haven't really had that since Galveston during the summer 2010. It'll be sooooo nice! Wow, I just really can't believe that I may have another treatment option! This is so exciting! I hope with ALL of my heart and soul, and I pray :) because through Him all things... ANYthing is possible!

One more thing really quickly... I was on the CTCA website and saw that they also provide reiki therapy! All I could think of was the Modern Family episode when that reiki freak (imposter) was living in Lily's outside playhouse. Bahahahaha! So I don't think there is any way I could ever have that done on my trip! Omgosh that show makes me laugh!

So, I just got home and I shouldn't have had that cappuccino at The Cheesecake Factory, I am wired! What a great night!!! Jill and I met Kim Dewey and Dianne Clark (she's in from L.A.) for dinner... it was so wonderful to see them, it's been a couple of decades I think. Love those girls and it was so good to laugh so much. My gosh, Kim's memory is freakish. I love hearing about things I would never have remembered for the rest of my life. But that is pretty much a daily basis for me as I can't remember yesterday, lol.
Well, Christmas was wonderful! I got a new Shark Steam Vac- LOVE IT! And a beautiful family tree necklace, a food processor to puree my veggies, a Bed & Breakfast gift from my kids for Paul and I. Oh, and Santa brought us a dual mic karaoke machine with 60 top hits cd!!! Now the kids can listen to me sing really loud, and let me tell you I have a great singing voice! hahaha. It was overwhelming. But the best part was giving everyone their quilts I made. But poor Levi... thank God he knows the truth this year, because I forgot about filling the stockings. That was bad enough... but (oh it gets even better) then after we were all done unwrapping presents I asked Levi if he was excited about his new X Box games... he said he didn't get any. After a couple of hours (I couldn't remember where I hid them) I finally found them, along with all of his other presents that I forgot to wrap!!! Later that evening when I watched our video I realized that while the rest of us opened gifts, Levi just sat patiently watching. OHHHHH MY GOSSSHHH!!! Worst feeling ever! Mom of the year! lol. He was so sweet though, never said a word and was thankful for the couple gifts he had opened. Now that is totally chemo brain because I have never and WOULD NEVER EVER do that! I'm just so thankful that they could laugh about it. And Levi was so, so sweet. He was saying that it was ok, he got plenty. He was probably thinking- it sucks that there isn't a Santa and on top of that my parents forgot me! I'm sure I will probably never live this one down!
This has been such a good time though. I love having Tyler home!!! I have missed him terribly since he's been away at college. And Paul and I have been going on dates which I love. Jess and Zack got a house- awesome! I am so happy for them. It's only half a mile away thank God! Because I am pretty attached to my little,ok not so little, baby Wyatt. I babysit him, so he's like pretty much my world every day. He has grown so much and I love watching his little personality develop. He's going to be a little wild man I believe. I just love little boys, and that one has my heart for sure! I think my favorite thing is when I rock him to sleep at nap time and we both hum until he falls asleep. If I stop humming he cries. He has to be rubbing either me or a soft blanket with his fat, little hand. It just melts my heart. This week I got him a swimsuit and shark hat for next summer. I will upload the pic later. I can't wait to introduce him to our pool. He's going to be a lil water baby. Ahhhh, summer! I wish it were here. I know I said earlier I couldn't wait for snow, to build an igloo & snowman, blah blah blah! What a bunch of crap! I'm totally over it. I hate being cold and I miss being outside. Spring can't get here fast enough! At least I have some plans to look forward to though. In February we are going back to the cabin for a long weekend at Brookville Lake with Tim & Anne, Jim & Peg, and Lisa & Phil. Then the BOMB Squad is packing up and taking a road trip south!!! How fun will that be?!? For those of you who don't know- bomb squad is a group of local friends/moms that we formed a few years back. It stands for band of moms bonding (or getting bombed together lol) We used to get together on a regular basis and have pajama parties and get-togethers with NO kids or husbands! We all have our code names/alter egos and it's a blast when we get together. So many different personalities and lots of laughs. I can't wait to go on this trip!
Well- it worked! I am so sleepy now. Will sign off and post again soon with some pictures. Night night :)

THANK YOU everyone for your comments, posts, and texts!!! I well up with tears of happiness and feel so comforted by all of you. I feel the love!!!! I am so very grateful for every single person who touches my life!!! I don't know why I am on this path... but I DO trust God completely and my prayer is this: That through my journey, God's love will be felt by someone who didn't know or feel it before. That I can teach someone, even if it's just 1 person, that love is all that matters in the end! That if you trust, if you have unwaivering faith, if you see your life through the eyes of our Father and reeeeally see every good thing He has given and does for us... then it WILL BE a beautiful, amazing, happy life filled with contentment and JOY. We cannot let our troubles be the focus of our existence! It's not about the past, or finding happiness in the future- it really is so simple... it is about this very moment and trying our best to be a source of laughter, love, and kindness to everyone we touch. I pray that His light shines through me, so you can all see how A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-L-Y much we are loved by Him. And I am so thankful today for this huge celebration we are all about to start... it is the BESTEST birthday party of the year! Holla! I can't wait !!! Have fun everyone!!!! God's blessings to you and yours!!!!

I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.


Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!

Why, hello everyone! Just a quick note to tell you I am good! I dropped a deuce and not feeling that uncomfortableness anymore- thank God! I knew I had eaten too much lol. I don't know why I was so freaked out, lack of sleep probably didn't help the situation either. BUT, I am a new woman today. Just got my "juice", yay my platelets were still good, and I can already feel a mild burn in the vicinity of my liver.... SUPER AWESOME! I love feeling that! Burn, baby, burn! I just know this chemo is doing something! Even if it just slows the growth- it's a beautiful gift :) and I am happy. Enough on that junk.

So, I am making huge progress in my Christmas present projects. I wish I could tell you all that I am making. But they are secrets, hahaha. I am having so much fun though. I love making special things for the people I love so much. I cannot wait to give them away!!! Less than 3 weeks now, the anticipation is so fun. And, tomorrow night I am meeting up with all my old friends from work for dinner, drinks, and a movie. Then Sat going out with my sister for her birthday.... love La Fiesta! Twice in 1 wk is awesome. Then on Sunday we are going to the Duronia Club Christmas party- I think I may just sit on Santa's lap, hehehe. So this is going to be a wonderful week for me (soon as I get thru day 1 of chemo) and I hope whoever reads this also has a fabulous week! I wish you much joy and happiness!!!!! God bless us, each and every one! :)

Can't sleep. I just realized I had an old post on here that I never published, so I just re-read it and put it up. (see below) It was really good to read that to remind me of some good things. Because I am having a hard time tonight with anxiety, I guess. I have been feeling fabulous for the past month- so much so, that I kind of forgot all about my cancer... and let me tell you, I have been very happy! It has been absolutely freeing to not ever think about it! But today I've been really bothered because I can feel something under my right ribs. Gosh I hate it! I am just fine, but when I can "feel" it... well, it makes it pretty hard not to think about. I tried my hardest today to push bad thoughts away, relax, trust God. And I did pretty good too! I worked on a Christmas gift I am making, played with & babysat Wyatt, finished decorating my tree, and made dinner. But... every time I leaned forward for too long, or turned just the right way I was constantly reminded of this pain in my side. Or should I say PIA? lol. I told myself all day it's just because I've been eating too much. (when I have a really full belly sometimes I feel this) But I don't know, this time it feels like it goes up higher under my ribs. It doesn't really hurt, just bothersome and uncomfortable. So, here I sit at 2am. I tried to go to bed, but whatever position I am in it's really bugging me. And at night- when day is done, all is so very quiet, and all of the noise of the day has faded away... my mind starts racing. I start thinking all of the what ifs. And even though I was yawning and could barely keep my eyes open on the couch... somehow lying in my quiet, dark room it is like I just drank an entire pot of coffee! Eyes wide open. I hate this place! I haven't been here for a long time and I don't like it at all! Ok, so I need to refocus here. (It's just so hard when I feel like there's a baby inside on the right when I KNOW there is no baby lol) Ok, janet, come on... focus! God is my past, present, and future. Every moment I am given is a beautiful thing, a precious gift. Christmas is coming and life is good. smile. WAIT, what if I don't wake up! I have to make it till Levi is 14!!! Well, how bout till I am 40?!? That's only 9 more months. That's not too much to ask is it? (Panicky feeling starts) Oh God, I can't die! I don't want to die! I love this precious, sacred, beautiful life you gave me.... please. PLEASE! PLEASE GOD! (now I start obsessive thoughts) I know that you created this body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit, and You made it miraculously, with the ability to repair and heal itself. Help me (along with my new anti-cancer diet) to gain wisdom and strength to be able to be cured. I know Your will is for me to prosper, to have good things in my life, to live. Not to be fearful and afraid. So please God, take this fear away, because I am scared shitless right now. Ok, this is RIDICULOUS! Where is my faith? WHY am I letting this horrible panic and fear come over me? I'll tell you why... because I CAN FEEL THIS FRICKING CANCER BALL inside me!!! And it's late and quiet. Ok, janet... just stop! Where's my bible? I thought journaling would help, but I think I need to refer to the good book at this point. Normally I don't think I would post this, but what the heck~ it is what it is and I'll be ok tomorrow! (If I can just get to sleep tonight)

Fast forward to today... I got my "new" chemo last Thurs. and I am so happy to report it is a breeze! The schedule will be 2 weeks on- I will get it IV once a week- then 1 week off. The first couple of days were insane thanks to the IV steroid I got with it. I forgot just how hyper it makes you. Oh my goodness, I was totally "cracked" out. I was up all night, zipping around as if I had drank an entire case of red bull, hahaha. It was good the first day, but by the second day I'd had enough... my hands were so shaky I couldn't perform any fine motor tasks, lol. NOT a good feeling. When I got to that point I was afraid I would crash and burn, as I had in the past, but I am still good! Woop woop! Holllla! And God, it feels so good! I will not ever allow myself to go back to not really living. I didn't realize at the time just how poorly I was living, or not living I should say. And to be honest with you, I can see now that I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally struggling too. I allowed myself to become very depressed and was totally giving in, giving up. I started focusing on death and a future without me. That is SO not who I am, but when you physically feel so awful it is easy to subconciously, slowly get to that place. I cannot believe I was there and didn't even know it. I'd just say to myself, "I'm just so tired." But I was not functioning at all. I didn't take care of Levi in the morning, I didn't know what was going on at school, help with homework, didn't tuck him in at night. I didn't acknowledge my husband or Jess or Ty. I had cut myself off from my friends, not contacting or talking to anyone. The only thing I accomplished during that 2 months was managing to take care of Wyatt a few days a week , "show up" and fake it for certain events. I would say all the things I used to believe, almost like I was reading a script of positivity. But I was not feeling it- I just figured the more I repeated all that crap maybe I'd start to feel or believe it again. It was really, really hard. I cried an awful lot during the past couple months, I just felt so helpless. Even worse- hopeless. It is crazy to me now because I am me again, very happy! It literally feels like I've emerged from a coma. And I am very excited and happy to still be here! I have such a feeling of complete, utter euphoria... to feel alive! I can't wait for Christmas, snow, the OSU/Mich game!!! There is so much exciting stuff coming and I love, love, love it! Sidenote, we have electric outside now and Paul promised we will light up the house this year. I CANNOT POSSIBLY describe the joy I feel inside for that. I want to string evergreen branches along our white picket fence too, with lights and ribbons! Then all we'll need is enough snow to make a snowman :) heeheeheehee, I can't stop smiling! Oh my gosh, I am completely overjoyed for Christmas! It is the most special day of the year... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! I already made Paul listen to Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is you" a few times. And I think, no, I know, he secretly loved it! hehehe. Or maybe it was my dancing he loved. I thought that with the cancer card, I may have been able to un-Scrooge him... but last night he started to tell me about a van he saw advertising professional Christmas light installation. WHAT PAUL??? Are you serious? Hmmm, no way is he getting out of the festivities! NO WAY! He will string lights and decorate the tree... and, with a song in his heart! I swear I will someway, somehow rub off on him and turn him into a Christmas junkie. There is no reason and no room in my home for Scrooge! This is the happiest, most important day! It is such a gift and celebration... how can you not be overjoyed??? I will keep you updated with his transformation. Who knows, maybe he will wear his Santa suit this year just because he wants to! hahahaha. You never know! Miracles happen, right?!

Wow, I can really get off subject! So, not to keep going on about all of this cancer crap but I just want to tell you about an amazing experience and epiphany I had not too long ago. I went to church on a Sunday, Wyatt in tow. Didn't really feel like going, but I made myself go for Levi's sake. So I got there and sat in the last row, anticipating Wyatt getting fussy and dreadfully having to stand up and rock him. (Dreadfully only because I was so weak and my arms hurt so bad from this little ritual.) Then I started having a hot flash, ugh! "I shoulda just stayed home, I'm already worn out and church hasn't even started." Then Pastor Andy sneaks up beside me as church is starting and whispers a request to call me forward (and I'm thinking... say what? Are you crazy? I don't like being front & center, unless of course it's me cutting up and making people laugh.) My first instinct was to tell him absolutely not! But then I heard the second part of his request, which was to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me & pray. So I reluctantly said sure. I was thinking, well... nothing else seems to be working, I don't know how I feel about this oil and hands hocus-pocus... but I know prayer is heard, why not? Can't hurt, right? And I guess I want to believe that there is some kind of powerful, miraculous ability for prayer & oil to cure me- if that is God's will. So he calls me up. As I walk forward I feel like I have a turtleneck on that is choking me, I am not liking this at all! Why did I agree to this? I can feel ALL eyes on me. The poor girl with cancer. I think about Levi standing back there holding Wyatt, and how I want church to be a happy place for him, not where cancer -once again- has the upper hand. I don't want to have cancer here. I really don't want to give my cancer so much attention. God, why did I come today?

So, I turn around, mortified at all the faces staring at me. Pastor Andy starts talking about how I have cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but I clearly remember him loudly using the word cancer, and saying, "that's right, I'm calling it out by name!" Oh gosh, why did I do this? Then I hear him announce his intention to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me to pray. What I wasn't expecting, or prepared for- was his request for anyone who felt the desire to come forward and lay their hands on me to so I could be lifted in prayer by many. As soon as he got the words out it felt like the whole, entire congregation was walking toward me. I didn't have time to think about it or feel uncomfortable with it. That is when everything changed. Now, I'm not crazy (I mean seriously crazy) but I swear to each and every person reading this that at this point I had an out of body experience. I know, I know!!! It sounds nuts! And maybe it is... all I can do is tell you what I experienced that day. So, anyway, as the people were coming toward me I saw tears and felt the most sincere love in their faces. Just pure care and love. So many people came right to me. I felt so many hands on me and saw tears just rolling down so many cheeks. I looked into the eyes of these people, alot of whom I didn't know, and felt so much love. Just beautiful, simple, pure love. I started to follow suit with the tears, but not sad ones. I just felt so completely loved, in a way I never have before. It was beautiful, amazing! There just are not any words to describe what happened or how I felt, but I'll try. It is hard to explain. But I also felt God. I have prayed and talked to God more times than you can imagine, often times wondering if he's busy with someone else, but I felt Him with us. Without a doubt, not stemming from belief or faith, but He WAS RIGHT THERE! I just felt His presence. So as Andy started with the oil and praying I started to feel like I was floating. I couldn't feel my legs standing on the ground, actually I couldn't really feel any part of my body specifically. I felt all those hands on me, but in a different way. It felt like we were one person. And those hands were carrying me, my body and my spirit. I was so exhausted at that moment in time and it was so awesome to just let go and "let" them carry me. Because I felt like I couldn't walk one more step in my life. And there was one woman in front of me who was squeezing my hands with hers. I don't know why, but her touch was the most powerful. I felt so overjoyed with love, rescued from my nightmare. It was a moment of such amazing peace and grace. It was like I was lost in time, in some beautiful trance-like state, with the most beautiful music playing- but I remember at some point thinking to myself, Oh wow, this is what heaven is going to be like!!! And let me tell you, it was a very happy place to be!

Another lady came up to me afterward and said, "I know you're going to beat this." And I was thinking to myself... "what you don't know is that I already have!" So that is my huge epiphany... whether this dumb cancer ends up taking my body or not is irrelevant... I BEAT IT!!! I beat that son of a bitch EVERY single day of my life! I beat it every time I get chemo, I beat it every time I break down, fall apart... but pull myself back up and back into a joyful existence, I beat it every time I let go and trust God with my life and my families lives. I beat it when I pray, "God, this is YOUR body, mind, and soul.. use it for your will and just guide me to be what you need me to be. I beat it every hour of my life! "Beating" cancer isn't about being in remission AT ALL!!! It is about living and being the best me I can be- despite the fact that "it" grows inside me! I beat it when I laugh, when I find joy in the mundane daily tasks, when I look outside at this wondrous world, when I kiss Wyatt, when I tuck Levi into bed, when I hug Paul, when Tyler calls and makes my day to talk with me, when I watch my amazing daughter being a mommy, when I look to my future, when I don't lose hope. I could go on and on and on, but my epiphany is this: I have not, nor will I EVER lose my battle with cancer! God is my Savior, my strength, my hope, my past, present, and my future... I beat cancer, because I love and because God loves me- period.

What a difference a week makes! ....and getting off chemo, lol. Wow, I cannot believe how bad I was feeling and I didn't even realize it. I am normal now- I just wake up, make coffee, get moving, do chores, etc. without having to think about it and try to talk myself into it! (and then end up not accomplishing a single thing except getting better at my remote control without looking at it). That is pretty pathetic- my remote has become more like another appendage that I use as if it were another hand with fingers. Don't even use my brain, it's automatic. Now I do not even feel like watching TV at all.... what a waste!

Anyhooo... I want to let ya'all know my medical plans and then I am done talking about this dumb cancer, what a waste! Ok, so after much contemplation I have opted to skip the radiation to my lower skull. From my understanding the area is small and not growing as fast as the liver tumors, and I don't want to take the risk of hitting any cranial nerves when I am completely asymptomatic. Plus... (I know this may sound really morbid to you, sorry- it's the nurse in me lol) maybe this thing by my brain stem is a blessing in disguise. If, and I repeat...IF this cancer does kill me, rather than wasting away from little tumors taking over everywhere... maybe one big blow to my brain stem would be better for me and all involved, hahaha. quick please?!? Now, on to the chemo decision. That has been a tough, tough one. I talked to Paul, as well as each of my kids and the consensus is just stop that crazy nonsense! Especially with the difference in me from last week to this one. I am telling you, I am a completely new person! I feel alive again! And it feels so good. BUT... at the same time this is the only one I haven't tried, and maybe it could stop that dumb cancer for awhile??? I have to give it a try. Trust me... I am not excited about it. My hair can fall out again and that's my biggest thing, I DO NOT NOT NOT want to be bald again! It feels so wonderful not to be stared at, receive pity looks, etc. I just want to be seen for me... not what chemo has done to me physically. And I love feeling like a woman again, not gonna lie. Call me vain, I don't care! But I guess the more important thing is (cue the music)... "I get knocked down, but I get up again, YEAH!, you're never gonna keep me down!" hahaha. I just sang that outloud while I typed it, I am so silly. So, I have to try it! Dr. M is going to do a dose reduction since I have had so much chemo and I'll see how this week goes. If it's bad... game over... I am done. NOT done fighting cancer, just done poisoning my body. I will try new ways to continue to battle (diet, exercise, mindset, etc). Because ya know, I want to live my life feeling happy, being me... full of energy & smiles. This bag of bones wasting away on the sofa is not me!!! At all!!! By the way- I have gained 5 pounds in 1 week! Yeah! It is like I have come out of a coma, and I was starving! I can't quite stuff enough food in my face, I'm so hungry constantly.

So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?


I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)



Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!