I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!! I spoke with the people at Cancer Treatment Centers of America today (I finally have insurance that covers them woop! woop!) and I am filled with a brand spankin new sense of hope and encouragement. I don't know why, because the good Lord knows I have been steadfast in my faith, but I feel different in my heart of hearts right now. I actually believe I can be healed of this cancer, I don't know if I will be, but I- for the first time- REALLY believe it's possible. Okay, I am sooo out of control with thoughts at the moment... let me stick to the CTCA deal. First of all I will be going this month, hopefully in approximately 2 wks if we can get all the records, blah blah blah. You should see my file by the way- it's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever seen one so thick, hahaha. It doesn't even contain all the papers properly, they need to start vol 2 before the binding breaks. I'll take a pic of it with my cell phone next week so you can see what I'm talking about. Well, if I can remember! Secondly, the guy I spoke to on the phone was very uplifting and hopeful. And that was such a great feeling, to be talked to with hope. He was talking about treating my whole body, spirit, and mind so that my immune system can be at top form to be able to fight the cancer. He talked to me about stress management (counseling and massages for both Paul and I etc), receiving pastoral care,having a dietitian consult for nutritional counseling to fight the cancer (which I am totally big into right now), acupuncture, seeing a medical oncologist, surgical oncologist, radiation oncologist, a naturopathic Dr. for vitamins, supplements, and herbs that my body needs (specifically for my body based on blood work they will do). Yada yada yada... it goes on and on. I am so excited about all of this because I do know that in order to heal myself from this cancer my immune system has to be restored, as well as my spirit and my mind. So... the unexpected news from my phone consultation was this... I may (or may not) be a candidate for a fairly new treatment for liver cancer. Greeeat, I can't remember what it is called. Hold on, Zack just got up and told me... therasphere! hahaha, wow, I really have some serious short term memory problems. Anyhoo, they run a catheter from your groin into your hepatic artery and inject up to 8 million tiny glass spheres loaded with yttrium that go directly to all of the capillaries feeding my tumors and radiate the crap out of them!!! heeheehee. It makes me giggle an evil little laugh to think I may have another option still available that could destroy or seriously stun my stupid tumors!I just visualize that happening and I am so so happy. I would love nothing more than to zap all those invaders! THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!! All I ever hear is, "palliative care," or "it's about the quality of life," or "we can try 1 chemo at a time and see if anything works" (looking at me with sad, puppy dog, I'm so sorry eyes) Wellll, HA! I might be a candidate for a whole lot more! I'm not going to managed by pharmaceutical companies alone anymore! There is hope for me yet!!! Yay! super Yay! Super thank you Jesus! I hope you will pray for me (and pray hard!) that they will be able to do that therasphere stuff to my liver. And I will be praying for guidance and wisdom on my new little path I'm taking. I hope that God will use this place/journey to help me find a new way of life :) One of COMPLETE trust and without fear! Fear has got to go! And I know better! Oh my gosh I can't wait to get there! There is an additional bonus as well- it will be a nice trip & alone time (noooo kids!) with my man! We haven't really had that since Galveston during the summer 2010. It'll be sooooo nice! Wow, I just really can't believe that I may have another treatment option! This is so exciting! I hope with ALL of my heart and soul, and I pray :) because through Him all things... ANYthing is possible!

One more thing really quickly... I was on the CTCA website and saw that they also provide reiki therapy! All I could think of was the Modern Family episode when that reiki freak (imposter) was living in Lily's outside playhouse. Bahahahaha! So I don't think there is any way I could ever have that done on my trip! Omgosh that show makes me laugh!

So, I just got home and I shouldn't have had that cappuccino at The Cheesecake Factory, I am wired! What a great night!!! Jill and I met Kim Dewey and Dianne Clark (she's in from L.A.) for dinner... it was so wonderful to see them, it's been a couple of decades I think. Love those girls and it was so good to laugh so much. My gosh, Kim's memory is freakish. I love hearing about things I would never have remembered for the rest of my life. But that is pretty much a daily basis for me as I can't remember yesterday, lol.
Well, Christmas was wonderful! I got a new Shark Steam Vac- LOVE IT! And a beautiful family tree necklace, a food processor to puree my veggies, a Bed & Breakfast gift from my kids for Paul and I. Oh, and Santa brought us a dual mic karaoke machine with 60 top hits cd!!! Now the kids can listen to me sing really loud, and let me tell you I have a great singing voice! hahaha. It was overwhelming. But the best part was giving everyone their quilts I made. But poor Levi... thank God he knows the truth this year, because I forgot about filling the stockings. That was bad enough... but (oh it gets even better) then after we were all done unwrapping presents I asked Levi if he was excited about his new X Box games... he said he didn't get any. After a couple of hours (I couldn't remember where I hid them) I finally found them, along with all of his other presents that I forgot to wrap!!! Later that evening when I watched our video I realized that while the rest of us opened gifts, Levi just sat patiently watching. OHHHHH MY GOSSSHHH!!! Worst feeling ever! Mom of the year! lol. He was so sweet though, never said a word and was thankful for the couple gifts he had opened. Now that is totally chemo brain because I have never and WOULD NEVER EVER do that! I'm just so thankful that they could laugh about it. And Levi was so, so sweet. He was saying that it was ok, he got plenty. He was probably thinking- it sucks that there isn't a Santa and on top of that my parents forgot me! I'm sure I will probably never live this one down!
This has been such a good time though. I love having Tyler home!!! I have missed him terribly since he's been away at college. And Paul and I have been going on dates which I love. Jess and Zack got a house- awesome! I am so happy for them. It's only half a mile away thank God! Because I am pretty attached to my little,ok not so little, baby Wyatt. I babysit him, so he's like pretty much my world every day. He has grown so much and I love watching his little personality develop. He's going to be a little wild man I believe. I just love little boys, and that one has my heart for sure! I think my favorite thing is when I rock him to sleep at nap time and we both hum until he falls asleep. If I stop humming he cries. He has to be rubbing either me or a soft blanket with his fat, little hand. It just melts my heart. This week I got him a swimsuit and shark hat for next summer. I will upload the pic later. I can't wait to introduce him to our pool. He's going to be a lil water baby. Ahhhh, summer! I wish it were here. I know I said earlier I couldn't wait for snow, to build an igloo & snowman, blah blah blah! What a bunch of crap! I'm totally over it. I hate being cold and I miss being outside. Spring can't get here fast enough! At least I have some plans to look forward to though. In February we are going back to the cabin for a long weekend at Brookville Lake with Tim & Anne, Jim & Peg, and Lisa & Phil. Then the BOMB Squad is packing up and taking a road trip south!!! How fun will that be?!? For those of you who don't know- bomb squad is a group of local friends/moms that we formed a few years back. It stands for band of moms bonding (or getting bombed together lol) We used to get together on a regular basis and have pajama parties and get-togethers with NO kids or husbands! We all have our code names/alter egos and it's a blast when we get together. So many different personalities and lots of laughs. I can't wait to go on this trip!
Well- it worked! I am so sleepy now. Will sign off and post again soon with some pictures. Night night :)

THANK YOU everyone for your comments, posts, and texts!!! I well up with tears of happiness and feel so comforted by all of you. I feel the love!!!! I am so very grateful for every single person who touches my life!!! I don't know why I am on this path... but I DO trust God completely and my prayer is this: That through my journey, God's love will be felt by someone who didn't know or feel it before. That I can teach someone, even if it's just 1 person, that love is all that matters in the end! That if you trust, if you have unwaivering faith, if you see your life through the eyes of our Father and reeeeally see every good thing He has given and does for us... then it WILL BE a beautiful, amazing, happy life filled with contentment and JOY. We cannot let our troubles be the focus of our existence! It's not about the past, or finding happiness in the future- it really is so simple... it is about this very moment and trying our best to be a source of laughter, love, and kindness to everyone we touch. I pray that His light shines through me, so you can all see how A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-L-Y much we are loved by Him. And I am so thankful today for this huge celebration we are all about to start... it is the BESTEST birthday party of the year! Holla! I can't wait !!! Have fun everyone!!!! God's blessings to you and yours!!!!

I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.


Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!

Why, hello everyone! Just a quick note to tell you I am good! I dropped a deuce and not feeling that uncomfortableness anymore- thank God! I knew I had eaten too much lol. I don't know why I was so freaked out, lack of sleep probably didn't help the situation either. BUT, I am a new woman today. Just got my "juice", yay my platelets were still good, and I can already feel a mild burn in the vicinity of my liver.... SUPER AWESOME! I love feeling that! Burn, baby, burn! I just know this chemo is doing something! Even if it just slows the growth- it's a beautiful gift :) and I am happy. Enough on that junk.

So, I am making huge progress in my Christmas present projects. I wish I could tell you all that I am making. But they are secrets, hahaha. I am having so much fun though. I love making special things for the people I love so much. I cannot wait to give them away!!! Less than 3 weeks now, the anticipation is so fun. And, tomorrow night I am meeting up with all my old friends from work for dinner, drinks, and a movie. Then Sat going out with my sister for her birthday.... love La Fiesta! Twice in 1 wk is awesome. Then on Sunday we are going to the Duronia Club Christmas party- I think I may just sit on Santa's lap, hehehe. So this is going to be a wonderful week for me (soon as I get thru day 1 of chemo) and I hope whoever reads this also has a fabulous week! I wish you much joy and happiness!!!!! God bless us, each and every one! :)

Can't sleep. I just realized I had an old post on here that I never published, so I just re-read it and put it up. (see below) It was really good to read that to remind me of some good things. Because I am having a hard time tonight with anxiety, I guess. I have been feeling fabulous for the past month- so much so, that I kind of forgot all about my cancer... and let me tell you, I have been very happy! It has been absolutely freeing to not ever think about it! But today I've been really bothered because I can feel something under my right ribs. Gosh I hate it! I am just fine, but when I can "feel" it... well, it makes it pretty hard not to think about. I tried my hardest today to push bad thoughts away, relax, trust God. And I did pretty good too! I worked on a Christmas gift I am making, played with & babysat Wyatt, finished decorating my tree, and made dinner. But... every time I leaned forward for too long, or turned just the right way I was constantly reminded of this pain in my side. Or should I say PIA? lol. I told myself all day it's just because I've been eating too much. (when I have a really full belly sometimes I feel this) But I don't know, this time it feels like it goes up higher under my ribs. It doesn't really hurt, just bothersome and uncomfortable. So, here I sit at 2am. I tried to go to bed, but whatever position I am in it's really bugging me. And at night- when day is done, all is so very quiet, and all of the noise of the day has faded away... my mind starts racing. I start thinking all of the what ifs. And even though I was yawning and could barely keep my eyes open on the couch... somehow lying in my quiet, dark room it is like I just drank an entire pot of coffee! Eyes wide open. I hate this place! I haven't been here for a long time and I don't like it at all! Ok, so I need to refocus here. (It's just so hard when I feel like there's a baby inside on the right when I KNOW there is no baby lol) Ok, janet, come on... focus! God is my past, present, and future. Every moment I am given is a beautiful thing, a precious gift. Christmas is coming and life is good. smile. WAIT, what if I don't wake up! I have to make it till Levi is 14!!! Well, how bout till I am 40?!? That's only 9 more months. That's not too much to ask is it? (Panicky feeling starts) Oh God, I can't die! I don't want to die! I love this precious, sacred, beautiful life you gave me.... please. PLEASE! PLEASE GOD! (now I start obsessive thoughts) I know that you created this body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit, and You made it miraculously, with the ability to repair and heal itself. Help me (along with my new anti-cancer diet) to gain wisdom and strength to be able to be cured. I know Your will is for me to prosper, to have good things in my life, to live. Not to be fearful and afraid. So please God, take this fear away, because I am scared shitless right now. Ok, this is RIDICULOUS! Where is my faith? WHY am I letting this horrible panic and fear come over me? I'll tell you why... because I CAN FEEL THIS FRICKING CANCER BALL inside me!!! And it's late and quiet. Ok, janet... just stop! Where's my bible? I thought journaling would help, but I think I need to refer to the good book at this point. Normally I don't think I would post this, but what the heck~ it is what it is and I'll be ok tomorrow! (If I can just get to sleep tonight)

Fast forward to today... I got my "new" chemo last Thurs. and I am so happy to report it is a breeze! The schedule will be 2 weeks on- I will get it IV once a week- then 1 week off. The first couple of days were insane thanks to the IV steroid I got with it. I forgot just how hyper it makes you. Oh my goodness, I was totally "cracked" out. I was up all night, zipping around as if I had drank an entire case of red bull, hahaha. It was good the first day, but by the second day I'd had enough... my hands were so shaky I couldn't perform any fine motor tasks, lol. NOT a good feeling. When I got to that point I was afraid I would crash and burn, as I had in the past, but I am still good! Woop woop! Holllla! And God, it feels so good! I will not ever allow myself to go back to not really living. I didn't realize at the time just how poorly I was living, or not living I should say. And to be honest with you, I can see now that I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally struggling too. I allowed myself to become very depressed and was totally giving in, giving up. I started focusing on death and a future without me. That is SO not who I am, but when you physically feel so awful it is easy to subconciously, slowly get to that place. I cannot believe I was there and didn't even know it. I'd just say to myself, "I'm just so tired." But I was not functioning at all. I didn't take care of Levi in the morning, I didn't know what was going on at school, help with homework, didn't tuck him in at night. I didn't acknowledge my husband or Jess or Ty. I had cut myself off from my friends, not contacting or talking to anyone. The only thing I accomplished during that 2 months was managing to take care of Wyatt a few days a week , "show up" and fake it for certain events. I would say all the things I used to believe, almost like I was reading a script of positivity. But I was not feeling it- I just figured the more I repeated all that crap maybe I'd start to feel or believe it again. It was really, really hard. I cried an awful lot during the past couple months, I just felt so helpless. Even worse- hopeless. It is crazy to me now because I am me again, very happy! It literally feels like I've emerged from a coma. And I am very excited and happy to still be here! I have such a feeling of complete, utter euphoria... to feel alive! I can't wait for Christmas, snow, the OSU/Mich game!!! There is so much exciting stuff coming and I love, love, love it! Sidenote, we have electric outside now and Paul promised we will light up the house this year. I CANNOT POSSIBLY describe the joy I feel inside for that. I want to string evergreen branches along our white picket fence too, with lights and ribbons! Then all we'll need is enough snow to make a snowman :) heeheeheehee, I can't stop smiling! Oh my gosh, I am completely overjoyed for Christmas! It is the most special day of the year... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! I already made Paul listen to Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is you" a few times. And I think, no, I know, he secretly loved it! hehehe. Or maybe it was my dancing he loved. I thought that with the cancer card, I may have been able to un-Scrooge him... but last night he started to tell me about a van he saw advertising professional Christmas light installation. WHAT PAUL??? Are you serious? Hmmm, no way is he getting out of the festivities! NO WAY! He will string lights and decorate the tree... and, with a song in his heart! I swear I will someway, somehow rub off on him and turn him into a Christmas junkie. There is no reason and no room in my home for Scrooge! This is the happiest, most important day! It is such a gift and celebration... how can you not be overjoyed??? I will keep you updated with his transformation. Who knows, maybe he will wear his Santa suit this year just because he wants to! hahahaha. You never know! Miracles happen, right?!

Wow, I can really get off subject! So, not to keep going on about all of this cancer crap but I just want to tell you about an amazing experience and epiphany I had not too long ago. I went to church on a Sunday, Wyatt in tow. Didn't really feel like going, but I made myself go for Levi's sake. So I got there and sat in the last row, anticipating Wyatt getting fussy and dreadfully having to stand up and rock him. (Dreadfully only because I was so weak and my arms hurt so bad from this little ritual.) Then I started having a hot flash, ugh! "I shoulda just stayed home, I'm already worn out and church hasn't even started." Then Pastor Andy sneaks up beside me as church is starting and whispers a request to call me forward (and I'm thinking... say what? Are you crazy? I don't like being front & center, unless of course it's me cutting up and making people laugh.) My first instinct was to tell him absolutely not! But then I heard the second part of his request, which was to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me & pray. So I reluctantly said sure. I was thinking, well... nothing else seems to be working, I don't know how I feel about this oil and hands hocus-pocus... but I know prayer is heard, why not? Can't hurt, right? And I guess I want to believe that there is some kind of powerful, miraculous ability for prayer & oil to cure me- if that is God's will. So he calls me up. As I walk forward I feel like I have a turtleneck on that is choking me, I am not liking this at all! Why did I agree to this? I can feel ALL eyes on me. The poor girl with cancer. I think about Levi standing back there holding Wyatt, and how I want church to be a happy place for him, not where cancer -once again- has the upper hand. I don't want to have cancer here. I really don't want to give my cancer so much attention. God, why did I come today?

So, I turn around, mortified at all the faces staring at me. Pastor Andy starts talking about how I have cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but I clearly remember him loudly using the word cancer, and saying, "that's right, I'm calling it out by name!" Oh gosh, why did I do this? Then I hear him announce his intention to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me to pray. What I wasn't expecting, or prepared for- was his request for anyone who felt the desire to come forward and lay their hands on me to so I could be lifted in prayer by many. As soon as he got the words out it felt like the whole, entire congregation was walking toward me. I didn't have time to think about it or feel uncomfortable with it. That is when everything changed. Now, I'm not crazy (I mean seriously crazy) but I swear to each and every person reading this that at this point I had an out of body experience. I know, I know!!! It sounds nuts! And maybe it is... all I can do is tell you what I experienced that day. So, anyway, as the people were coming toward me I saw tears and felt the most sincere love in their faces. Just pure care and love. So many people came right to me. I felt so many hands on me and saw tears just rolling down so many cheeks. I looked into the eyes of these people, alot of whom I didn't know, and felt so much love. Just beautiful, simple, pure love. I started to follow suit with the tears, but not sad ones. I just felt so completely loved, in a way I never have before. It was beautiful, amazing! There just are not any words to describe what happened or how I felt, but I'll try. It is hard to explain. But I also felt God. I have prayed and talked to God more times than you can imagine, often times wondering if he's busy with someone else, but I felt Him with us. Without a doubt, not stemming from belief or faith, but He WAS RIGHT THERE! I just felt His presence. So as Andy started with the oil and praying I started to feel like I was floating. I couldn't feel my legs standing on the ground, actually I couldn't really feel any part of my body specifically. I felt all those hands on me, but in a different way. It felt like we were one person. And those hands were carrying me, my body and my spirit. I was so exhausted at that moment in time and it was so awesome to just let go and "let" them carry me. Because I felt like I couldn't walk one more step in my life. And there was one woman in front of me who was squeezing my hands with hers. I don't know why, but her touch was the most powerful. I felt so overjoyed with love, rescued from my nightmare. It was a moment of such amazing peace and grace. It was like I was lost in time, in some beautiful trance-like state, with the most beautiful music playing- but I remember at some point thinking to myself, Oh wow, this is what heaven is going to be like!!! And let me tell you, it was a very happy place to be!

Another lady came up to me afterward and said, "I know you're going to beat this." And I was thinking to myself... "what you don't know is that I already have!" So that is my huge epiphany... whether this dumb cancer ends up taking my body or not is irrelevant... I BEAT IT!!! I beat that son of a bitch EVERY single day of my life! I beat it every time I get chemo, I beat it every time I break down, fall apart... but pull myself back up and back into a joyful existence, I beat it every time I let go and trust God with my life and my families lives. I beat it when I pray, "God, this is YOUR body, mind, and soul.. use it for your will and just guide me to be what you need me to be. I beat it every hour of my life! "Beating" cancer isn't about being in remission AT ALL!!! It is about living and being the best me I can be- despite the fact that "it" grows inside me! I beat it when I laugh, when I find joy in the mundane daily tasks, when I look outside at this wondrous world, when I kiss Wyatt, when I tuck Levi into bed, when I hug Paul, when Tyler calls and makes my day to talk with me, when I watch my amazing daughter being a mommy, when I look to my future, when I don't lose hope. I could go on and on and on, but my epiphany is this: I have not, nor will I EVER lose my battle with cancer! God is my Savior, my strength, my hope, my past, present, and my future... I beat cancer, because I love and because God loves me- period.