Fast forward to today... I got my "new" chemo last Thurs. and I am so happy to report it is a breeze! The schedule will be 2 weeks on- I will get it IV once a week- then 1 week off. The first couple of days were insane thanks to the IV steroid I got with it. I forgot just how hyper it makes you. Oh my goodness, I was totally "cracked" out. I was up all night, zipping around as if I had drank an entire case of red bull, hahaha. It was good the first day, but by the second day I'd had enough... my hands were so shaky I couldn't perform any fine motor tasks, lol. NOT a good feeling. When I got to that point I was afraid I would crash and burn, as I had in the past, but I am still good! Woop woop! Holllla! And God, it feels so good! I will not ever allow myself to go back to not really living. I didn't realize at the time just how poorly I was living, or not living I should say. And to be honest with you, I can see now that I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally struggling too. I allowed myself to become very depressed and was totally giving in, giving up. I started focusing on death and a future without me. That is SO not who I am, but when you physically feel so awful it is easy to subconciously, slowly get to that place. I cannot believe I was there and didn't even know it. I'd just say to myself, "I'm just so tired." But I was not functioning at all. I didn't take care of Levi in the morning, I didn't know what was going on at school, help with homework, didn't tuck him in at night. I didn't acknowledge my husband or Jess or Ty. I had cut myself off from my friends, not contacting or talking to anyone. The only thing I accomplished during that 2 months was managing to take care of Wyatt a few days a week , "show up" and fake it for certain events. I would say all the things I used to believe, almost like I was reading a script of positivity. But I was not feeling it- I just figured the more I repeated all that crap maybe I'd start to feel or believe it again. It was really, really hard. I cried an awful lot during the past couple months, I just felt so helpless. Even worse- hopeless. It is crazy to me now because I am me again, very happy! It literally feels like I've emerged from a coma. And I am very excited and happy to still be here! I have such a feeling of complete, utter euphoria... to feel alive! I can't wait for Christmas, snow, the OSU/Mich game!!! There is so much exciting stuff coming and I love, love, love it! Sidenote, we have electric outside now and Paul promised we will light up the house this year. I CANNOT POSSIBLY describe the joy I feel inside for that. I want to string evergreen branches along our white picket fence too, with lights and ribbons! Then all we'll need is enough snow to make a snowman :) heeheeheehee, I can't stop smiling! Oh my gosh, I am completely overjoyed for Christmas! It is the most special day of the year... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! I already made Paul listen to Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is you" a few times. And I think, no, I know, he secretly loved it! hehehe. Or maybe it was my dancing he loved. I thought that with the cancer card, I may have been able to un-Scrooge him... but last night he started to tell me about a van he saw advertising professional Christmas light installation. WHAT PAUL??? Are you serious? Hmmm, no way is he getting out of the festivities! NO WAY! He will string lights and decorate the tree... and, with a song in his heart! I swear I will someway, somehow rub off on him and turn him into a Christmas junkie. There is no reason and no room in my home for Scrooge! This is the happiest, most important day! It is such a gift and celebration... how can you not be overjoyed??? I will keep you updated with his transformation. Who knows, maybe he will wear his Santa suit this year just because he wants to! hahahaha. You never know! Miracles happen, right?!

Wow, I can really get off subject! So, not to keep going on about all of this cancer crap but I just want to tell you about an amazing experience and epiphany I had not too long ago. I went to church on a Sunday, Wyatt in tow. Didn't really feel like going, but I made myself go for Levi's sake. So I got there and sat in the last row, anticipating Wyatt getting fussy and dreadfully having to stand up and rock him. (Dreadfully only because I was so weak and my arms hurt so bad from this little ritual.) Then I started having a hot flash, ugh! "I shoulda just stayed home, I'm already worn out and church hasn't even started." Then Pastor Andy sneaks up beside me as church is starting and whispers a request to call me forward (and I'm thinking... say what? Are you crazy? I don't like being front & center, unless of course it's me cutting up and making people laugh.) My first instinct was to tell him absolutely not! But then I heard the second part of his request, which was to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me & pray. So I reluctantly said sure. I was thinking, well... nothing else seems to be working, I don't know how I feel about this oil and hands hocus-pocus... but I know prayer is heard, why not? Can't hurt, right? And I guess I want to believe that there is some kind of powerful, miraculous ability for prayer & oil to cure me- if that is God's will. So he calls me up. As I walk forward I feel like I have a turtleneck on that is choking me, I am not liking this at all! Why did I agree to this? I can feel ALL eyes on me. The poor girl with cancer. I think about Levi standing back there holding Wyatt, and how I want church to be a happy place for him, not where cancer -once again- has the upper hand. I don't want to have cancer here. I really don't want to give my cancer so much attention. God, why did I come today?

So, I turn around, mortified at all the faces staring at me. Pastor Andy starts talking about how I have cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but I clearly remember him loudly using the word cancer, and saying, "that's right, I'm calling it out by name!" Oh gosh, why did I do this? Then I hear him announce his intention to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me to pray. What I wasn't expecting, or prepared for- was his request for anyone who felt the desire to come forward and lay their hands on me to so I could be lifted in prayer by many. As soon as he got the words out it felt like the whole, entire congregation was walking toward me. I didn't have time to think about it or feel uncomfortable with it. That is when everything changed. Now, I'm not crazy (I mean seriously crazy) but I swear to each and every person reading this that at this point I had an out of body experience. I know, I know!!! It sounds nuts! And maybe it is... all I can do is tell you what I experienced that day. So, anyway, as the people were coming toward me I saw tears and felt the most sincere love in their faces. Just pure care and love. So many people came right to me. I felt so many hands on me and saw tears just rolling down so many cheeks. I looked into the eyes of these people, alot of whom I didn't know, and felt so much love. Just beautiful, simple, pure love. I started to follow suit with the tears, but not sad ones. I just felt so completely loved, in a way I never have before. It was beautiful, amazing! There just are not any words to describe what happened or how I felt, but I'll try. It is hard to explain. But I also felt God. I have prayed and talked to God more times than you can imagine, often times wondering if he's busy with someone else, but I felt Him with us. Without a doubt, not stemming from belief or faith, but He WAS RIGHT THERE! I just felt His presence. So as Andy started with the oil and praying I started to feel like I was floating. I couldn't feel my legs standing on the ground, actually I couldn't really feel any part of my body specifically. I felt all those hands on me, but in a different way. It felt like we were one person. And those hands were carrying me, my body and my spirit. I was so exhausted at that moment in time and it was so awesome to just let go and "let" them carry me. Because I felt like I couldn't walk one more step in my life. And there was one woman in front of me who was squeezing my hands with hers. I don't know why, but her touch was the most powerful. I felt so overjoyed with love, rescued from my nightmare. It was a moment of such amazing peace and grace. It was like I was lost in time, in some beautiful trance-like state, with the most beautiful music playing- but I remember at some point thinking to myself, Oh wow, this is what heaven is going to be like!!! And let me tell you, it was a very happy place to be!

Another lady came up to me afterward and said, "I know you're going to beat this." And I was thinking to myself... "what you don't know is that I already have!" So that is my huge epiphany... whether this dumb cancer ends up taking my body or not is irrelevant... I BEAT IT!!! I beat that son of a bitch EVERY single day of my life! I beat it every time I get chemo, I beat it every time I break down, fall apart... but pull myself back up and back into a joyful existence, I beat it every time I let go and trust God with my life and my families lives. I beat it when I pray, "God, this is YOUR body, mind, and soul.. use it for your will and just guide me to be what you need me to be. I beat it every hour of my life! "Beating" cancer isn't about being in remission AT ALL!!! It is about living and being the best me I can be- despite the fact that "it" grows inside me! I beat it when I laugh, when I find joy in the mundane daily tasks, when I look outside at this wondrous world, when I kiss Wyatt, when I tuck Levi into bed, when I hug Paul, when Tyler calls and makes my day to talk with me, when I watch my amazing daughter being a mommy, when I look to my future, when I don't lose hope. I could go on and on and on, but my epiphany is this: I have not, nor will I EVER lose my battle with cancer! God is my Savior, my strength, my hope, my past, present, and my future... I beat cancer, because I love and because God loves me- period.

What a difference a week makes! ....and getting off chemo, lol. Wow, I cannot believe how bad I was feeling and I didn't even realize it. I am normal now- I just wake up, make coffee, get moving, do chores, etc. without having to think about it and try to talk myself into it! (and then end up not accomplishing a single thing except getting better at my remote control without looking at it). That is pretty pathetic- my remote has become more like another appendage that I use as if it were another hand with fingers. Don't even use my brain, it's automatic. Now I do not even feel like watching TV at all.... what a waste!

Anyhooo... I want to let ya'all know my medical plans and then I am done talking about this dumb cancer, what a waste! Ok, so after much contemplation I have opted to skip the radiation to my lower skull. From my understanding the area is small and not growing as fast as the liver tumors, and I don't want to take the risk of hitting any cranial nerves when I am completely asymptomatic. Plus... (I know this may sound really morbid to you, sorry- it's the nurse in me lol) maybe this thing by my brain stem is a blessing in disguise. If, and I repeat...IF this cancer does kill me, rather than wasting away from little tumors taking over everywhere... maybe one big blow to my brain stem would be better for me and all involved, hahaha. quick please?!? Now, on to the chemo decision. That has been a tough, tough one. I talked to Paul, as well as each of my kids and the consensus is just stop that crazy nonsense! Especially with the difference in me from last week to this one. I am telling you, I am a completely new person! I feel alive again! And it feels so good. BUT... at the same time this is the only one I haven't tried, and maybe it could stop that dumb cancer for awhile??? I have to give it a try. Trust me... I am not excited about it. My hair can fall out again and that's my biggest thing, I DO NOT NOT NOT want to be bald again! It feels so wonderful not to be stared at, receive pity looks, etc. I just want to be seen for me... not what chemo has done to me physically. And I love feeling like a woman again, not gonna lie. Call me vain, I don't care! But I guess the more important thing is (cue the music)... "I get knocked down, but I get up again, YEAH!, you're never gonna keep me down!" hahaha. I just sang that outloud while I typed it, I am so silly. So, I have to try it! Dr. M is going to do a dose reduction since I have had so much chemo and I'll see how this week goes. If it's bad... game over... I am done. NOT done fighting cancer, just done poisoning my body. I will try new ways to continue to battle (diet, exercise, mindset, etc). Because ya know, I want to live my life feeling happy, being me... full of energy & smiles. This bag of bones wasting away on the sofa is not me!!! At all!!! By the way- I have gained 5 pounds in 1 week! Yeah! It is like I have come out of a coma, and I was starving! I can't quite stuff enough food in my face, I'm so hungry constantly.

So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?


I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)



Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!

It is so beautiful outside today! And I am really happy because Levi's last football game is at noon, what a PERFECT day for a game! That's all I have today... got to get moving. Hope to write later.

Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you well, excited to start a new week! Afterall... every day is a new day, right? I am going to have a fabulous week, because yesterday I heard the words "I will sing a new song" at some point in church and it occurred to me that I should. So I am going to try really hard this week to accomplish at least 1 thing a day and refuse to let fatigue (understated word, lol) win. And that 1 thing doesn't include a shower or making dinner... which is what my goal has been lately. hahaha. And I am going to try to be a better mom & wife... quit being so self absorbed and start taking care of my family again! I'm really exited to make a change... lying on the couch 24/7 is no way to live. Plus this is like the most beautiful time of year, my favorite I think. Well, idk... spring is so beautiful after a long winter.... it's a toss up I guess. No, fall for sure! Jeans & hoodies, bonfires, leaves, dressing up for Halloween- it doesn't get any better than that! So yesterday was a good start- I went to church (when I didn't really feel like it when I woke up) and went to the grocery with Wyatt (thank God for Levi or I wouldn't have made it) and made dinner. Today I am going to finish a quilt I've been working on. HUGE, HUGE accomplishment! I don't believe Paul's family reads this so I will tell you. (These are supposed to be a suprise) When his sister Terry passed away I took all of her clothes and started making quilts immediately. I made one for her sister Lisa and one for her daughter Alissa. Well, (I am so mad at myself) I hadn't worked on anymore since I was diagnosed. Too painful I guess. I couldn't cut up her clothes without balling my eyes out... it was awful, there's such a finality in doing that. Such a realization that she is really gone and never coming back. And I could smell her on her clothes, which actually was a very comforting thing. I loved smelling her, just had a hard time chopping up her clothing. Anyhoo... I resumed my quilting awhile ago and I have finished two, and today I will finish my 3rd! Yeah! Btw, it's not hard to do so much now... I feel really happy to have these pieces of her that they will be able to wrap around them. Christmas is going to be sooo good this year! It is going to be very "Little House on the Prairie" with my homemade gifts, PERFECT! For those of you who don't know me too well, I always wanted to live like Caroline. hahaha. That's how it should be anyway, instead of all the crap we spoil our family with, it has def lost it's meaning I think. Well, I'm bringing it back baby! Maybe I'll even bake a birthday cake for Jesus this year like a did once a long, long time ago. I just love Christmas, bestest holiday ever! Wow, I can ramble. I wanted to get on today to share what happened to me at church yesterday. Crap... Wyatt is awake. I will finish this in a bit. Wakie, wakie, time for eggs & bacie! :)