well, change of plans! so I was hospitalized 3times, had fevers chills and cold sweats for a few weeks, blew up with fluid overload, had a paracentisis to drain fluid from my 8 months pregnant looking belly, got blood, and had half of my liver blown up with radiation beads directly injected through my arteries to the tumors. So, today, at 102 pounds and exhausted, i am finally well enough to write for the first time since my last post. I'm not telling you all of the above for pity, just an update medically. Plus then you will understand my list I'm going to write about what I am thankful for.
   
     I have to say that I would not be able to even want to live my life if it weren't for Paul. I am more than thankful in my heart that he rubs my feet and back every day (even when I can smell my own Bo because I've been in bed, unshowered for a few days). That he is my nurse with regards to bringing me my medicine day and night, and pushing fluids & food. That he drops everything for me, including his home Bengal games. That he helps me walk when I am weak. That he cracks a joke or says something silly when I need it. That he always opens the car door for me, and now pushes me in a wheelchair when I need one. That he stays right by my side either in bed or on the couch when he is home. For the night I was so chilled to my bones despite the 5 blankets he covered me with, and he spooned with me to warm me up-even though I was like104 degrees and violently shivering for hours. And when he gaspingly begged to get out because he was dripping with sweat and couldn't breath, I  said with my teeth chattering oh no it will make a cold pocket, please don't leave. He stayed. That he is always ready with a puke bucket. For the day he quietly just took my baby fits and displaced anger, he just kept trying to do something right. For him holding me when I cry, which has been a lot lately. For being my chef, laundress, maid, and yard boy. But all of these things, and many more, all add up to what puts joy in my heart and soul, and makes me most thankful....

     For when Paul holds my face in his hands, looks me directly in my eyes and tells me I am beautiful and he loves me so much. And I believe him! I can feel his heart and i know I am the luckiest girl in the world. I know he isn't just saying it, I feel it in his eyes, his touch, and the tender way he takes care of me always. I just look back into his eyes and think, YOU are the beautiful one who I love so much! So this thanksgiving I am more thankful than words can express that my partner in crime is the most selfless, loving, beautiful soul I've ever known. I know what a rare treasure I have. I'm gonna get better for you Paulie!