So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?


I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)



Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!

It is so beautiful outside today! And I am really happy because Levi's last football game is at noon, what a PERFECT day for a game! That's all I have today... got to get moving. Hope to write later.

Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you well, excited to start a new week! Afterall... every day is a new day, right? I am going to have a fabulous week, because yesterday I heard the words "I will sing a new song" at some point in church and it occurred to me that I should. So I am going to try really hard this week to accomplish at least 1 thing a day and refuse to let fatigue (understated word, lol) win. And that 1 thing doesn't include a shower or making dinner... which is what my goal has been lately. hahaha. And I am going to try to be a better mom & wife... quit being so self absorbed and start taking care of my family again! I'm really exited to make a change... lying on the couch 24/7 is no way to live. Plus this is like the most beautiful time of year, my favorite I think. Well, idk... spring is so beautiful after a long winter.... it's a toss up I guess. No, fall for sure! Jeans & hoodies, bonfires, leaves, dressing up for Halloween- it doesn't get any better than that! So yesterday was a good start- I went to church (when I didn't really feel like it when I woke up) and went to the grocery with Wyatt (thank God for Levi or I wouldn't have made it) and made dinner. Today I am going to finish a quilt I've been working on. HUGE, HUGE accomplishment! I don't believe Paul's family reads this so I will tell you. (These are supposed to be a suprise) When his sister Terry passed away I took all of her clothes and started making quilts immediately. I made one for her sister Lisa and one for her daughter Alissa. Well, (I am so mad at myself) I hadn't worked on anymore since I was diagnosed. Too painful I guess. I couldn't cut up her clothes without balling my eyes out... it was awful, there's such a finality in doing that. Such a realization that she is really gone and never coming back. And I could smell her on her clothes, which actually was a very comforting thing. I loved smelling her, just had a hard time chopping up her clothing. Anyhoo... I resumed my quilting awhile ago and I have finished two, and today I will finish my 3rd! Yeah! Btw, it's not hard to do so much now... I feel really happy to have these pieces of her that they will be able to wrap around them. Christmas is going to be sooo good this year! It is going to be very "Little House on the Prairie" with my homemade gifts, PERFECT! For those of you who don't know me too well, I always wanted to live like Caroline. hahaha. That's how it should be anyway, instead of all the crap we spoil our family with, it has def lost it's meaning I think. Well, I'm bringing it back baby! Maybe I'll even bake a birthday cake for Jesus this year like a did once a long, long time ago. I just love Christmas, bestest holiday ever! Wow, I can ramble. I wanted to get on today to share what happened to me at church yesterday. Crap... Wyatt is awake. I will finish this in a bit. Wakie, wakie, time for eggs & bacie! :)