Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Well, I was the life of the party all right! 1 glass of wine and I fell asleep. hahha. Guess radiation is starting to kick my butt. I am so tired all of the time. So I have a medical update: I now have 2 metastatic tumors in my liver. It was quite a shocker. I had a liver biopsy a couple of weeks ago, assumed it would just be fungus/histo again since that is where they found it 3 years ago. lol. We didn't tell anyone so we could have a joyful Christmas...which we did! Jessie got engaged last Thursday at the Clifton Mill lights display. Awwww, how romantic! I am sooooo happy for them, they were made for eachother. Zack is already my son anyway! Marriage will just be a formality. I have no doubt that my baby girl will always be taken care of and adored by him. And same for him. So anyway, I think these liver tumors are a blessing in disguise, because they are encapsulated and they can for sure get them totally out and the blessing is that they are going to test them with different chemos to see which one/s work. Hallelujah! No more guessing game. Watch out thymic cells, I am going to kill you off for good this time! I have joy in my heart that they found a surgical oncologist to do the operation so quickly. Guess it was good I worked there for 10 years. Actually, all the credit goes to AMAZING Dr. M! He was on vacation through all of this and came in on his days off to see me and handle all of this. He personally spoke with other physicians and made this happen. I love that man!!! He is my angel, and I pray often for God to bless his mind & heart and to work through his hands. Enough on all the cancer crap! I have to get to bed, I am being admitted to the hospital tomorrow early am and surgery is Thursday at 2:30 pm. So if you happen to think of me at that time please say a little prayer for no complications. I am a little nervous because my blood is thin right now, so I hope I don't have any bleeding issues. I try really hard to cast my cares on God (psalm 55:22) but I know too much as a nurse. lol.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I can't believe it's Dec 17th already. One week till Christmas eve. I love this holiday so very much, excitement is rushing through my soul! I am so thankful for this beautiful life God gave to me, and for the guarantee of my next one, thanks to sweet lil baby Jesus! It is just such a happy, joyful celebration! Speaking of joy, we have a party to go to tonight! Paul's sister Lisa had planned a party for her son, Tobi, coming home from where he is stationed in Louisiana, but at the last minute his leave was denied. Which sucks so bad, we miss Tobi so much! But, she is still going to have some people over, and she was basically begging me and Paul to still come. She's worried it will be boring. WHAT? Boring with Janet in the house! hahaha. So, today after my radiation, 1st I'm having lunch with Jill. Then I am on a mission!!! heeheehee. I am going to the Salvation Army thrift store to buy the ugliest most ho-ho-ho-rendous Christmas sweaters I can find for myself and Paulie. Funny sidenote, one time Jill and I went thrifting there, and her daughter Rachel was with us and said, "Isn't this the place where veterans shop?" Bahahaha. Woweee, really Rach?! We laughed so hard! She is soooo blonde! She got a huge eye opener that day, was a far stretch from Hollister! Anywho, I also have a karaoke machine I borrowed from Greg. My vision is to walk into Lisa's house with music blaring and me singing, "I'm coming up so you better get this party started!" (By Pink) And let me tell you, I have a beautiful singing voice! Especially since radiation has destroyed my vocal cords and I am permanently raspy. I can make it really low though, ya know, like the guy who sings the Grinch song! Hmmm, maybe I will sing that one next! "And the three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, STINK! STANK! STUNK!" Thanks Dakota, now I know those words by heart! Hahaha, Paul just told me to look for some old school plaid party pants too. I am giggling out loud right this very minute! So, I have all kinds of tricks up my sleeves for tonight... dance-off for sure, (Considering the older crowd I'm pretty sure I will win!) singing competition, taboo, etc. Should be so much fun. I just love parties. Nothing gets any better than having fun with the ones you love! Well, I have to go...too much to do today! HOLY CRAP! Paul just told me he is going to shave the top of his head to leave a big ol hula skirt! HAHAHAHA. I love it that he wants to get into character! I wish the back and sides were longer so it would be a really good hula skirt! Thats great, he's gonna look like Chester the molester with his dyke date. hmmm...i may just have to pull out one of my wigs. At least for the grand entrance. lol. CANNOT WAIT. Woop Woop! I'm gonna be singing Pink all day! :0) Have a wonderful weekend! God bless!

Saturday, December 11, 2010














So, top picture is my lil bean! Isn't it precious? Our little grandbaby!!! Woop! Woop! It actually looks like a little monkey. When we were gettting the ultrasound I said, "Jess, look... it has little alligator arms and its waving at grammie!" As I did my own imitation. I don't think she thought it was as funny as I did. heehee. And I keep trying to kiss it goodnight and talk to it, she says I am a freak and to leave her belly alone. I love it so much! Btw, Amy, I got the date wrong, she's due June 25th, so looks like we are on a race! I think it is awesome we are going to be grannies at the same time! Will be fun to be going through the same journey together. OK, so the next 3 pictures are hilarious. Let me preface this by telling you that I am a Christmas psycho! It's my favorite holiday (and Easter) for obvious reasons... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! Well, at our old house we had 10 or 12 ft ceilings, and I ALWAYS got the biggest, fattest tree that would make our huge rooms look small! I had always dreamed of having a live tree since I was little, so, as many of you know... I don't do anything small... I tend to be a little extreme with decorations, parties, etc. I always go way overboard. So, now at this house we have 8 ft ceilings, and the past 2 years have not felt like Christmas with my Charlie Brown trees. I was on a mission this yr. I am not going to let a house structure steal my joy for large trees! I had finally convinced myself that short was ok. I can no longer have an 11 ft tree. I said to myself, " Self, you are just going to have to make up for height with width!" Yay, I figured it out! But as I shopped, all the 7-8 ft trees were so horribly skinny and pathetic. Then, I saw it, there she was! Fate brought us together, it was love at first sight. The only 12 ft tree they had! It was magnificent! And there was so much stump on the bottom. Paul could just take his chain saw there to trim it down. PERFECT! Btw, Paul is actually Scrooge! hahaha. I drive him CRAZY with my Christmas shennanigans and singing and excitement. I tend to be a little obnoxious about it all. He just takes a deep breath and says, yes dear with my ridiculous requests, or just rolls his eyes at me. But, this year he promised to help with decorating and to be filled with joy about it. (I love the cancer card, heehee) So, I made the purchase and he went to pick it up. 1st pic is Zack, who is 6'4" holding my beloved tree. 2nd pic, Paulie starts widdling away and this is the first attempt to get it in the house. First of many as Paul quickly lost his "joy". HAHAHA. I believe that this pic is when the 1st hole was made through the ceiling. But, we finally got it in and decorated after 2 holes were made through the ceiling (quick fix-lol) and we ended up having to cut both the top and bottom off. So I fixed the top with my bush trimmers in order to reshape it back to the original tree shape. There were so many pine branches in our living room, Paul said it looked like a forest in there. But we did it, and I'll bet you that I have the FATTEST tree any of you have ever seen! It is 6 feet fat! YAY!
The bottom picture is on OSU/MICH game day. I spent it with my sissy and brothers and the rest of my family, except Don, he had to work :( Left to right.... Jillie, David, me, and Doug. We had so much fun. Okie dokie, got to go. I am dying my silver hair 2day! I finally have enough, I think, without staining my scalp. We will find out! lol

Wednesday, December 1, 2010



Congratulations jess and zach!!!


I am going to be a granny! I am finally allowed to tell. I am so excited, my baby girl is going to be the best little mamma ever! And Zach is going to be the bestest daddy. I love him so much and I am thankful that he is part of our family. Jessie is due July 4th! What??? I told her she better not have it on the 4th, because we will be out on the boat at Indian Lake watching fireworks. lol. She already had an ultrasound and I saw our litlle "bean". He or she is going to be Beautiful!!! They both have blonde, curly hair and blue eyes. I mean Zach has a FRO when his hair is long and eyelashes that just about touch his forehead! I cannot wait to meet that little face and kiss and hold and smell it. This little soul is going to be so adored and loved! WOW, my bg (baby girl-thats what i call jessie) is preggers! We have our 1st OB visit today. Can't wait! Since Zach is finishing up his last yr at college I'm going to go with her. Thank you God for this amazing, PRECIOUS gift! New life is so wonderful! I will update you on our little bean as we move toward july!

Monday, November 22, 2010







Wellllllll, what a weekend! My best friend, Laura, came to visit from the Akron area. We were so excited to spend time together and catch up. She arrived Friday night, with her son (Levi's best friend since birth) Connor. We were both tired, so we stayed in. Saturday...let's go window shopping! Laura has never been to Ikea, wohoo! We had plans to come home and take Levi to his football banquet, go to Sarah's housewarming party, church the next morning. We set out on I-75 southbound. Free from the boys, singing our hearts out to Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas," Clay Aikin's "Don't Save it all for Christmas Day," etc., feeling like fun, silly teen girls. Paul was to leave at noon to go to his nephew's 30th birthday party, we would be back by 1pm. The boys would be fine for 1hr by themselves, right?! So we get south of Dayton, dead stopped traffic for an hr, should have been our first sign to turn around and go home! But nooo, we can get there and speed shop. So after FINALLY getting there after much singing, we wonder through Ikea. I don't know if you have been there, but we are talking 2 floors, a mall in itself really. And, instead of following the arrows, we turn off to another section. Therefore, now we are lost. My cell phone rings, it's home. I am thinking, gosh, can't I just have a couple hours? So, I ignore it. It rings again, grrr. I answer, and on the other end I hear my little boy hysterical, can't understand him. Great, I am the worst mom ever! Oh my gosh, I am in fricking Cincinnati and Paul already left for the party. I call my friend Sarah who lives less than a mile from my house. She rushes over, Gus (our 3 legged amputee) had snapped at him and caught his bottom eyelid and ripped it all the way through right at the inner corner. THANK GOD FOR SARAH & ERIC!!! After turning white and gray, passing out a couple of times, and being clammy they rush him to the ER. Meanwhile I contacted Paul and he met them there. To make a long story shorter, we ended up at Childrens and having plastic surgery! His lacrimal duct was spared, thank God. The Dr. said it was 1/10th of a mm from being torn, which would have been very bad. So, now we have a tripod and a cyclopse! lol. That's Eric's line. Not really funny, I guess. But I was laughing all day yesterday, because I do have a little Stevie Wonder now. Levi "couldn't" open either eye, so he used a cane to feel his way around the house and I was also his lead/seeing eye companion. heehee. So, basketball season is now over for us and Levi is barred from gym/contact sports for 6 wks, ugh! That kid loves and needs to be physically active. But I'm just thankful that it wasn't worse. It could have been really bad. BTW, we think that Gus, who is the sweetest, most affectionate dog in the world, was just trying to warn him and protect himself. He hadn't had any pain medicine, and Levi went to lie down with him, must have hit his wound. Connor fessed up later that Levi had also been antagonizing Gus & rough housing with him. But, I am not cool with any aggression in a dog. So we are going monitor him closely, and any further change in behavior or signs of aggression then he is gone. They said in the ER it was not an attack wound, looked like nip/warning that happened to catch his eyelid. So we will see. I think Gussy will be just fine. And I think Levi learned a lesson. I have been telling him since Gus's surgery to leave him alone & quit being rough with him. And poor Laura~ drove all the way here to spend the weekend with her son alone at my house. My middle name should be drama! lol. So, I start radiation today, lung fungus is all better, yay! CT last week no changes, life is good! I feel so different this year in regard to Thanksgiving. I feel profound gratefulness for my many blessings! Happy turkey day to you! p.s. Don't do it...black friday is soooo not worth it! hahaha

Saturday, November 6, 2010

GREAT news!!! The biopsy was negative for cancer! Thank you God! That would have been really bad. It came back as fungus...remnant of the histoplasmosis I had 2 1/2 yrs ago. So, I have to get IV treatments through my port for 2 weeks to beat it back down. Then repeat CT, then start radiation/tomotherapy 2 wks from this coming Monday. I was in tears when I found out that I had to do IV amphotericin again, it was awful when I had it before...and I was having a panic attack about pushing back radiation. I am in REMISSION and I do NOT want the cancer to have a chance to grow again! But, I was a very sick girl back then when I got it before and I have gone through massive chemo treatments, this is just a bump in the road! lol. Got my 1st treatment yesterday at MVH, wasn't so bad. Just felt like I had the flu, and this morning I feel much better. Home health is coming tonight to "teach" Paul to do the infusions. He's a pro already! I swear, I do not know what I'd do without him, he is such an AMAZING human being. He does it all; works, takes care of the house, yard, dinner, kids, and me! And is so sweet about it, never complains or acts tired of it. He is very loving and makes me feel so protected.Anyway, Lisa, Paul's sister, talked to me and got me back on track (emotionally). I have to get back to... trust the Lord with ALL of your heart! I am just soooo thankful it is not cancer! Enough on that! So, our baby Gus is doing pretty good with just 3 legs. And Levi is gearing up for football all star tournament next weekend in Troy. Tyler is doing well at Ashland, all though he needs to text me more!!! I hope you are reading this Ty! I know you are busy, but I miss you!!! And I am going to get a poster size picture of us that says "mommy & me"! It better be hanging in your dorm room like you promised. lol. Jessi is doing well, she got a supervisor for grad school next fall, awesome! It will take her 2 yrs to finish, I am so proud of her. My other baby boy, Zack is studying hard at BG (his Sr. yr.)...not! He is taking a walking class and some other BS classes. Makes me laugh. Oh, and I am in the process of making a princess crown cake for Karson, her 5th b-day party is tonight! Actually Paul baked the cakes for me last night because I felt so yucky. Thank you saint Paul! I plan to decorate it today sometime. I am so bummed that I will miss the party tonight :( I hope the cake doesn't end up looking dumb. I watch all the cake boss, ace of cakes shows, and I have a vision in my head...hahaha. But I don't have fondant or other necessary supplies.People will probably be like, what the heck? Maybe it is a good thing I can't go. lol. I am exhausted from all of this typing, nap time for my grandma butt! BTW, Amy Ritchie! wow, so good to hear from you. I hope life is treating you well! I just love to hear from old friends. And Deaton, I miss you so much, sorry I haven't made it out to Greeneville... I will, I promise! I love you & I hope you are happy at your new job! Can't wait to catch up with you :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Biopsy done, cakewalk! I feel bad for Jill and Paulie...sitting with my drugged up self all day answering the same questions over and over and over again every time I would wake up. hahaha. Drove them nutty. And Gussy made it through his surgery without any complications. Went to visit him on my way home, poor little guy, he just laid there with his head in my lap and fell asleep while I loved on him. What a sight I'm sure...both of us were wobbly with drugged, droopy eyes. lol. But it did my heart good to hold him. Jess went to visit him tonight and I know it was just what she needed too. She was even joking about calling him tripod now. It looks so weird, he doesn't have a stump or anything, there is no leg or hip whatsoever. It is so sad, he had the cutest little sway when he walked. But, he is alive and won't have arthritis and chronic pain, and the vet assured us he will be able to run and play just as he did before. So, I am thankful to God. I really don't think I could've handled losing another dog right now. (We put my baby Maggie down Nov last year, she was my sweet baby girl for 9 years & it was very traumatic). I am beat, going to sleep now...my doodlebug (levi) is asleep on the couch next to me...he is so incredibly beautiful and he has been so very sweet the past few days...makes me happy inside :) Nighty night!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

One more thing , Jessica's baby puppy, Gus, was hit by a motorcycle Friday afternoon. It was horrible and his left rear leg is destroyed. They are going to amputate it tomorrow morning clear up to his hip. I feel awful, I was the one to let him out to go potty. Jess is soooo sad. My heart hurts for her and for him. Oh gosh, can't think about it anymore.
Alot to report, but I don't have much time. I am back on the bipolar rollercoaster...LOL. Just kidding! Actually, I feel great. OK, going to keep this as short and sweet as I can. Went to IU, they said I have 3 options; 1. do nothing to wait & see how my cancer behaves (NO WAY), 2. procedee with tomotherapy/radiation, 3. they will do surgery to remove main left-over tumor/scar tissue. Only because of my age and prior good health. I chose tomotherapy, in order to try to kill it all now and if I stay in remission then we can do surgery down the road. Reason being that if I opt for surgery and cancer pops up again I cannot treat it until I am completely healed from surgery, and by that time it will probably have taken over. So, after painful and careful consideration, decision made, all is good. Then....BOOM, Monday I went to the hospital for left upper chest pain with inspiration, and I'm no wussy, it has to be really baad for me to go. CT showed no pulmonary emboli, yay! But it showed suspicious area (that looked like scar tissue on pet scan) in my left upper lobe that looks like cancer blob/chunk now. Soooo, I am getting up at 4:30 am tomorrow to go for a lung biopsy to check it out. Really doesn't matter....still doing radiation...but if it is cancer he will radiate the shit out of it! yay! But it will be nice to know exactly what it is. Could be histoplasmosis or inflammation too, but they think it looks an awful lot like cancer. I just want to hurry up and start radiation!!! Oh, and I am extremely excited...found out about a brand new procedure for cancer pts that were deemed inoperable. It is only in 16 cities nationwide and Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton is one!!! Hallelujah! (I am singing that opera style really loud, haha) It's called nanoknife. They just started doing it here Sept 2010. woohoo, woo-hoo-hoo! So after I get through this biopsy I plan to arrange a consultation, thinking maybe I could be a good candidate after radiation?!? Or, if not on mediastinal mass, maybe for any metastasis that pops up in the future. Just so happy there are advances being made that might save my life! Got to go, hope you had a great weekend. God be with you, peace out!

Friday, October 22, 2010

omgosh! Spent all day at Maimi Valley Hospital to set up tomotherapy...it felt like I was there forever. I don't know how I am going to handle going there every day for 6-7 weeks! With determination and joy I guess, because I live in a country where I can get this treatment and I have health insurance that will pay for it- $100,000!!! So, that's what is new with me. Tomo is an advanced form of radiation that will radiate my cancer sites with stronger radiation, and also the rest of my neck and torso with lower doses. The radiation oncologist is going to target my left neck, left clavicle area, under my sternum,the superficial skin above my clavicle, both armpits, and left upper lung with the stronger dose. Left upper lung because there is a suspicious area that may be the start of new cancer or it could just be inflammation. Gonna zap it to be safe. I was thinking, no biggie...but then they tell you all of the risks. LOL. So, he is going to carve out my esophagus and spine so hopefully they will be spared. But my thyroid will be wiped out, vocal cords(I will be raspy and sound like a dude), damage sweat glands which will cause problems with body temperature, and it may affect lung capacity (hopefully will not have to be on oxygen when it's done), also small chance it could hit my heart and increase risk of heart attack to 50%. Basically they are going to radiate my entire chest so I will be "sunburnt" from the inside out..everywhere. He said be prepared for a rough holiday season.Other than that....no worries. hahahaha. WOW! I thought the hard part was over. But I am really excited to do this!!! He doesn't know me very well...bring it on!I am the energizer bunny, ready to go and go and go...can't keep me down!BURN ME UP BABY! I want to destroy ANY little cancer cell that is left in there hiding! Oh, and I am going to Indiana University next wed, to see the leading thymic cancer doctor in the nation to make sure I'm not missing anything I should be doing.It was sooooo nice, I didn't think about cancer for a week, felt like I had my life back. But I am realizing that I do have my life back...all of the time! It's just a new way of life. The mental break from it over the past week really helps me now to see it differently. It is amazing how much bettter I have felt emotionally knowing that it is gone. Our minds have so much power over us. And I have to think about all the treatment crap like a list; go to grocery, wash car, get tomotherapy. And leave it at that :) Unfortunately cancer is part of me, but not all of me...so I am saying to myself, "self, get on with it girl! forget this cancer junk and LIVE!" I have spent 5 months consumed in it...but NO MORE! From now on it is on my to-do list like every other thing. I feel alive again! I don't sit and ponder all the what ifs. And it is soooo great! I am not wasting any more energy or time on this. I mean, I realize that it is all normal for what I am going through, you have to think about it all, how could you not? But now I am through it....thank you God!!!! So, I will still post medical updates and chronicle what it is like, how it's going, etc. But I just want you all to know that it is not the main focus of my life anymore. BTW...I am so very lucky, everyone who loves me...I LOVE YOU BACK MORE! ttyl. P.S. I am seriously thinking about a tattoo since I am allowed now. Jeremiah 29:11 I think,or maybe Proverbs 3:5, just don't know where to put it. Across my foot? wrist? But I do not think my wrist is big enough for that word. I can't do upper back cuz of dermatomyositis. What do you think? Ideas welcome! or I could get the celtic cross for sisters. Maybe both, i am so confused what to do, but I know I want one.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

UTTER JOY AND HAPPINESS FILLS MY HEART AND IS POURING OVER! There are NO words to describe what I feel inside, I learned today that I have no active cancer anywhere in my body!!!! I am in complete remission and God is my hero for answering our prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot even think straight, I am so overwhelmed, in a good, good way. The only way I know to describe it is this; when I knew there was a mass, but no diagnosis...I told Levi this was good, I promised him it wouldn't kill me, that whatever cancer was in there was going to fix all my other problems, I just knew it was lymphoma. Then, the day I was diagnosed I remember sitting on the toilet in the bathroom with Levi, and how was I supposed to tell my little boy that it was a bad cancer...but somehow I managed to get the words out. And he asked me if it would kill me with huge tears in his eyes, and I said I don't know, it is very rare and they don't know how to fix this kind. I felt like I was going to faint/collapse...I had lied to him. In fact, those were the very first words out of my mouth when we got the bad diagnosis, "I promised Levi this wouldn't kill me!" I was so distraught. So, the point is....today I got to go to his school and pull him out of class and tell him the awesome miracle that has happened for us, and he looked like he was gonna pass out and then CLUNG to me so tight for at least 3 solid minutes. Then we went to his classroom and announced the wonderful news, and all the kids were cheering and clapping. Time literally stood still and the earth just stopped for me! Best moment of my entire life!!!!!!! Thank you to every single person who prayed for us, IT WORKED!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

p.s. I hate that my post kicked off my wonder woman pics and story...so if you haven't seen it, view older post. hahahahahaa, still making me laugh!
I am having a glass of wine, well, two actually. I cannot go to sleep. I am so excited to get my PET scan results tomorrow!!! Just said prayers with Levi and he asked God to make my cancer go away. Ditto Doodlebug! It's funny, I figured I would be nervous/anxious about it...and I have felt amazingly peaceful-until about 1/2 hour ago. lol. I am not scared at all! Ready to find out the damage I did with all of that unbearable chemo. So, statistically, if the tumor is the same size we've done awesome keeping it at bay (because it is so aggressive). But, I believe in miracles and I am feeling tremedous faith that the %$#+%@&* tumor is about gone! And whatever is left I will annihalate with radiation. Whatever tomorrow brings...I am thankful because my life is soooo sweet! I have never felt so much love before this journey began, so in a very sick kind of way I am grateful (partially) to have had my eyes opened to the real meaning of life. I always knew it intellectually, but now I KNOW it in my heart, huge difference. I love every moment that my eyes are open, every smile, every hug, every touch, every act of kindness, the smell and sight of this beautiful earth, laughter, intimate moments with friends and family, the excitement of holidays and seasons changing, blah blah blah...I could go on forever. You get the point, it's about RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW! Contentment with this very moment, not needing to improve or change anything, just soaking up life and love. OK, now I sound like an Oprah guest, but it is so true, when you could lose it all, the world becomes a different place, so new and precious and amazing! I think as we grow up we forget the basics. So my goal in life is to never grow up! See the world through the eyes of a child; they don't worry about money, how their hair looks, their weight, what else they need, or the future, they just go with the flow every day. Very cool! So no worries for me...it's alllllll good! I hope you LIVE OUT LOUD today! I will update tomorrow. God bless us ALL!

Saturday, October 9, 2010










ok...so here is the story, we finally got Dr. M. to crack up!!! YAY! Jill and I decided, well, I convinced her, to dress up like wonder woman and super girl for my appt. before my last treatment. We were posing when he walked in and I stated," We are here to battle cancer with the last round of chemo!" It was freaking hilarious!!! He opened the door and took a step in, I made my declaration, he slowly backed up and closed the door. 2 seconds later the door reopened and Dr. M. walked back in and LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!! Jill and I high fived eachother...we got him! Top right pic is Jill & I trying on our costumes the day before...we had so much fun running around in my back yard playing Diana Prince, AKA Wonder Woman! hahahahhaa. Then we got there with our coats on, ready to change finish changing in the room and Jill was trying to back out on me. She was like about to have diarrhea she was so nervous about doing it. I was like, whatever!!! She wouldn't break character the day before, I knew she was loving it! Then, Dawn, top left pic, asked us if we were gonna flash, I assume because of the coats in 90 degree weather. HAHAHAHA, I am so sure Dawn! As if we would do that! She was cracking up when she saw the outfits. Thank you Dawn and Patti (nurse in bottom pic) for helping us set up and doing wigs and taking pictures! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! I think I earned myself a mental health referral! Then Jill and I walked back to the treatment room to inspire all the poor patients that were hooked up to their chemo. I truly think people think we are nuts! lol. Any hooo... I have to go, going to see my baby Ty today! So excited! Will write again soon. Love to all!

Friday, October 1, 2010

i made it through round 6!!!!! out of bed for 1st time tonight. my head still feels "swimmy" and i am weak, but i made it! i cannot describe in words the joy i feel to be done! get pet scan oct 13th, and start radiation sometime soon. i have pics 2 share, but this is all the energy i can do now. so i will write later. Praise to God for his many blessings!we are all so lucky to be here. love & happiness to all of you!!! ps jill is my savior thru this! i love u sissy!

Monday, September 27, 2010

CHEMO DAY! Last one! I have pushed it out of my mind until this morning, I think this one will be good. I got so sick with the last one, so today Dr. M is only giving me 3 chemos! YAY!!!!! The other one can damage the nerves in your GI tract, so no more of that one after how it affected me last time. I am kinda relieved, but it is wierd because I also kinda feel like I need that other one too. But I was at the smallest dose so they cant reduce it. Enough on that! I would start a new paragraph here, but this dumb site won't let me and I haven't been able to figure out how to change the format...I have tried many times, GRRRR! So, I haven't posted for a long time, couple reasons...I was pretty sad for about quite awhile, then I "lost" my other purse that contained my SD card adapter. I have been losing things way worse than normal. I am just like 10 second Tom from the movie 50 first dates, it is horrible & I am driving everyone nuts! So, I hate to admit it, but I was pretty low. I wouldn't say depressed, just sad. I was thinking alot about the future and the probability that this is what I will die from. So I spent 2 days straight on the couch literally crying whenever my eyes were open. Grieving, I guess. DO NOT get me wrong, I am not giving up...I have great hope and faith in miracles and I want desperately to be the one they say is defying all odds! BUT, I am not completely in denial, I know way too much about thymic cancer. I felt like diagnosis day all over again. I have done a really good job NOT thinking about the future. Then BOOM..it hit me hard. I ran into a brick wall. I TOTALLY trust God so incredibly much...with all of my heart and soul. I know He has a plan for each of us, and I trust Him with my children, my hubby, my sissy. But IF that plan involves me leaving, that just makes me sad beyond words. My soul aches at the thought. I guess when you have "terminal" cancer sometimes you can't help but think of these things. I want so much to live. It is hard when you feel so passionately about life & love and have such joy for it...to feel so full of life. And to know your body is failing you...its strange, doesn't match. So anyway, I got stuck for awhile thinking about everyone living with me gone. I am not going into details because I have to keep my spirit up today and I will fall apart if I think about it anymore. Then my birthday came...38! YAY!!! Was so happy to be here and have another birthday, then I started thinking about how many more I would have. I have just been in a funk, which is ok, good actually. I cannot deny those thoughts and feelings, I think its pretty normal for what I am going through. I just have to pull myself up and out of it, which I did, of course with alot of love from friends and family. And my gosh, what a huge list of people and great acts of love I recieved over the past week. It was absolutely overwhelming, how loved I feel. I am so blessed. My girls from my OB job came to visit me, and I feel awful because I was still pretty sad when they came, didn't feel like I was being me. But it was great to see them and their 2 beautiful baby boys! Amber, Amy, Sandy, and Emily...I love you so much & I miss so bad all the fun we used to have. And oh my gosh, they brought me a beautiful quilt they made with messages on each square from all my old working buddies. THANK YOU! I know how much work a quilt is and I love it! And Kris, thank you for my gifts! She got me a sweatshirt that is pink and says "fight like a girl" and all the girls signed it, it has a little boxing glove on it...hey, it is finally cold enough, now I can wear it today for chemo! LOVE it! Let's see, I have 4 beautiful fresh flower arrangements in my house right now from Paulie, the Duronia club, Bonnie & Mark, and my mama's rose garden. They are all so pretty. Then one day I was thinking I should go buy some mums for my front porch and a delivery basket came from my brother Doug & his family with fruit and a teddy bear and mums! lol.On my birthday Jill took me out for lunch and we went shopping...I will write about that one when I get home from chemo, GREAT STORY! Then Firday Lisa & Chris had a birthday party for me. There were so many people, it was the best b-day party I've ever had. Oh crap, I have to get ready to go. Will write later, there is so much to tell! And it is some funny stuff! I will continue soon. Wait till you see the pics! Hilarious!!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

One more thing real quick, Jim sent me a text/song I just listened to. It was in remembrance of 9/11...I hadn't heard that song in ages. I LOVE IT...one of my favorites ever. Thank you so much Jim, my soul is rejoicing right now, this day; for the love I have inside to give, the way I am loved, for the air I breath, the sunshine, for tender hugs, my flowers I just separated for a friend, my family, my puppy Oliver, my life, my adoring & unwavering love I feel for my Father and his Son and the way they love me and YOU more than we can possibly comprehend. I will be singing this song all day today with joy in my heart!


" I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You... Oh my soul rejoice! Take joy my King, in what You hear...let it be a sweet, sweet sound, in your ear!"
Good morning! I am so happy right now...I slept for 7 hours straight!!! I don't know why, but I've only been sleeping for 2-3 hours at a time. Thank you ambien! I feel like a new woman. So, it's early Sunday morning, I am having my coffee, all 3 of my babies are snug in their beds. I just love that they are all home right at this moment where they belong. I hate it that Tyler will be leaving in just a few hours. He is so beautiful and precious! I love that kid and am so proud of him. It did my heart good to see him and hug him, even if only for a short weekend. I absolutely love when we are all together, the 3 of them are hilarious, make me laugh. Almost always a good time when they get together. It's the best medicine in the whole world. It was funny, I gave Ty a haircut out on the deck and when he wasn't looking I removed the clipper guard and shaved a huge line of hair off at his belly button. Let me explain that he is a hairy beast. He has so much hair on his belly and especially his butt, it looks like he is morphing into a werewolf. Jess and Zack were out there and that girl cracks me up... she was taking hairballs and placing them all over his chest & trying to take pictures. She is such a comedian, every word that comes out of her mouth is funny. I was loving life, just listening to them laugh and joke. I can't explain the way they get along, they are like best friends, so close to eachother. What more could a momma ask for? So anyone reading this with young kids, teens... don't worry, one day the screaming and fighting will end. They will grow up and love eachother again. lol. I was always so afraid of them growing up & leaving home (don't get me wrong, I still want them to live here till they are 30) but I love them as adults. They are really good people. It's awesome to know & love them as friends now.


BTW... I was really excited that I had so many comments on here! I feel wierd blogging sometimes, because this has become like my journal, and it's all out there... I feel like it is so self absorbed. But I guess it's just my story right now, and if it helps someone kill some time, laugh, cry, be thankful for their precious time here, then ok! And it just makes my day to read the comments. Although it feels kinda wierd to hear that I am inspiring, are you kidding? I'm just a crazy nut with cancer. Just getting through it, like any of us would do. And actually, I was telling Paulie the other day that I feel like such a total wussy! I was going back in my mind to when he had cancer. Chemo has come such a long way, I am so lucky and thankful for the meds they have to help manage the side effects. They didn't have it down back then. Ya know, I sit here and complain when I get little hot flashes, cold sweats. But Paul stunk like roadkill and SOAKED the bed with his cold sweats, shivering with his teeth chattering & then burning up 2 minutes later. I complain that I feel so sick to my stomach and get carsick, but Paul was vomiting across the room onto the wall. I complain that my jeans are too loose, but Paul couldn't make it out of bed to get dressed & he was a walking skeleton. I complain I feel dizzy, but I oh so clearly remember how many times he passed out, the worst one was while he was in the shower. New baby crying in the other room, Jess & Ty standing in the hallway looking absolutely scared to death as I drug Paul's limp body out of the shower...naked, dripping wet, me shaking and yelling at him to wake up. Great, now I am crying. It was awful, and I can't believe what he went through to stay here with us. I remember one day he was lying in bed, half concious, and he whispered the words that he wanted to die. My poor baby. I so totally get it now, and I haven't been through 1/4 of what he did. So, HE is the one to be inspired by. Thank you honey, for fighting and enduring pure hell for me, for us. You are so amazing, so strong, so preccious. I love you Paul, thank you for teaching me about strength and what true love is. I am so freaking blessed. Gosh, I started out really happy & now I'm a blubbering fool. I guess because I never go back there, to those memories. To think about it is too much. But I'm glad I am thinking of these things, because I just got totally charged up for my final round. I have been contemplating quitting, in my mind, feeling like I can't do it again. But now I feel like wonder woman, or a wonder twin. Anyone remember that cartoon? haha..wonder twin powers, ACTIVATE, form of....a bull! I am gonna be a big strong bull, fighting mad, ready to charge and kill! And now I am holding my fist up with my magic ring as flashes of power are transforming me. Wow, unless you've seen that cartoon, you're probably thinking I am high right now. lol. Now I am laughing. OK, that's enough for today..feel like I just got out of a psychotherapy session. And I emphasize the word psycho. hahaha.
I will chat later. I LOVE YOU FAMILY! Thanks soooooo much for all the comments, love them! Hope you all have a beautiful, happy Sunday! God bless.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


OK, so I feel great today! The cold sweats are over and the bone pain, from my neulasta injection, has subsided. Just a few of the perks of chemo...not. I'm back baby! I have so much to do. I need to go to the grocery STAT! Mom is coming over today and I can't wait to be productive!!! Start turning the sagging skin on my legs into lean muscle! So, you're probably wondering whats up with these picutures...top right is the hairdo I am going for when it all grows back. I am so excited for a cute little messy haircut. I think if it grows fast enough, I will put some fun colors in it by Christmas, I am hoping. Maybe do dark brown with some crazy burgundy/pink chunks. I just hope I dont grow an afro because then this look may be a little tricky. haha. Btw, hair is falling out again, but I am not shaving it off since I am almost done. I may end up changing my mind though, since I have rubbed a bald spot on the back of my head, like a newborn. The result of re-growth from this just might be a little too "Joe Dirt" for me. Don't get me wrong, I did appreciate a good mullet in the 80's. But not so much these days.

The picture on the left, funny story. When I went to chemo last week, they had donation wigs and hats. So I selfishly took one of each. Actually, not selfishly...it was for Paul. So, I had the wig hanging on my IV pole, and it is quite large (the picture doesnt show how big and puffy it really is). I had been telling all the nurses why I needed it, we'll get to that. And in comes Dr. M, my Oncologist. I absolutely love that man, let me describe him for you; he is young, was an internal med physician, had a change of heart and went into oncology....why, i will never understand, I couldn't think of a more miserable job. Anyhoo, he has passion for what he is doing, is brilliant, genuine, and I (obviously) trust him with my life. He is also a man with deep faith, which I find comforting. He is quite serious though, and for some reason I like to joke around and try to get him to crack. I've gotten a few good "is this chick for real?" stares, and have also seen him try to keep composure and stifle a smile, possible laugh as well. Which, of course, makes me sooo proud of myself. So, he walks over to check on me, which he doesn't have to do, he is busy with patients on the office side. As he is speaking to me I notice him quickly glancing at my wig out of the corner of his eye a few times. Bingo! I am going for it! I say, "Do you like my new wig?" He looks at the wig as if it were a dead animal hanging there and politely states "yes," and is quick to resume medical talk. I break in and say, "Don't worry, it's not for public use." He looks at me, perplexed, as I state in a loud whisper, "It's for the bedroom!" At the same time, Jill is reaching over and covering my mouth with her hand. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Ohhhhh, I tickle myself! I don't know why I find it so amusing, but I just love to shock him!

Then, as the morning progresses, one of the nurses is hooking up another guy, looking out the window, and has a horrified look on her face. She's saying,"Oh no, no, no. Don't go on the sidewalk." Jill and I get up and look out, laughing hysterically, as some lady is driving at 2mph, up onto the sidewalk, over the landscaping, and into the parking lot. She parks, backs up, and proceeds to exit the exact same way. We are always laughing at chemo.

But then, something not so funny happens. I meet a fellow patient, I will call Joe. We talked a bit. Then Jill got up to do something and Joe asks me a question, "Janet," he says rather loudly, "is that your daughter?" WHAT???? I feel as if I had been zapped with a stun gun. Excuse me??? Did this chode really just ask me if my older sister is my daughter???? He can't be serious! But I look at him, he has genuine interest in his eyes. I wanted to say, "Ya know what Joe, #@%#! you!" UNBELIEVABLE! My gosh, do I really look that bad? I had to laugh though, and tell him nicely that she was actually my sister. He looked shocked, as did I. I had liked Joe until then. I hope I never see him again. lol.

I know I talk alot, so I will sign off. Lastly, on a serious note, I want to thank Dr. M! When I went to the hospital last week, he happened to be the doc on call. He went WAY above and beyond. The ER nurse told me they had seen 8,100 patients in the month of July. It is ridiculous, the patient load that physicians handle. And although I don't recall much else, thanks to IV morphine, compazine, fentanyl, & versed (gooood stuff), I know that Dr. M came in to evaluate me, when the ER doc was there & capable. AND, he stayed there with me for quite a long time until my testing was done. In fact he was in the CT room looking at the scan, which I only know thanks to the CT tech. He was very concerned for me, talked with us multiple times. I knew he had left some personal outing he was at to come there, and I felt very guilty pulling him away from the little bit of free time he has, because it was by his choice. He didn't have to be there. He could have, should have, been home with his wife & kids. I know they can't do that for everyone, I feel so blessed to have this man caring for me. I honestly feel that it wasn't coincidence that brought him to me and my family. So, thanks God!!! You picked the best doc in the world! (maybe I should stop trying to get a rise out of him. Naaaa, too easy, too fun! haha)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

P.S. Gypsy John...thank you so much for your comment. By the way peeps, pleeeaase comment, it's my contact to the outside world! Anyway GJ, you inspired me to post this picture...it is pathetic and disturbing (except the part of my sissy holding me) & not how I want the world to see me, but it is me right now...it is the story of not just me, but everyone who has to fight against cancer. I will take another pic this morning so you can see how much better I am today...with pancake, our new little baby!
I am officially an old lady..white hair, obsessed with the weather and my bowels. lol. I ended up in the hospital for a couple days due to severe stomach pain, haven't been able to eat or poop. It reminds me of when I had histo and I was so thin with a big pregnant looking belly. Yesterday I had my tight jeans on, except they were falling off with the belt on the tightest hole. I don't recognize my body right now, and this whole time I have been trying to eat well and maintain my weight, but I just cannot eat anymore or I am in pain. I have lost another 5 lbs. in the past week. But the good news..thanks to gas-ex, tums, senna tabs, 2 laxatives, and suppositories...I finally had relief this morning! I know, TMI! This round has SUCKED! On one hand, I feel like I am in a marathon and am about to cross the finish line and feel like...keep goin girl, you are almost there!. On the other, I am DONE! I can't take it anymore. I just can't do it anymore. I soooo feel the toll this is taking. I know I said before that dermatomyositis was worse..I lied. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through (besides losing Dad and Terry).
And here is where Jill comes in...my angle!!! She was right by my side through this ordeal and told me the most wonderful interpretation of one of my favorite verses..Isaiah 40:31 "those who wait on the Lord renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

The interpretation is that we should wait (not like at a red light, but like a waiter) on God. Serve Him. Anticipates what pleases Him. And here is the really cool part that I love...the eagle is the only bird that flies directly into the storm. The wind catches its wings perfectly and carries it ABOVE the storm where it can glide and not have to fight the storm. :) THANK YOU JILL!!! You will never know how those words carried me through last friday, or whatever day it was...I don't even remember. I will CLING to those words and that verse to get me through the end of this treatment! You are the bestest sister ever in the whole wide world and I LOVE YOU to bits! I hope that maybe it will help someone reading this if they are going through something difficult right now, remember..you are not alone! God carries us and loves us more than we can imagine.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hello! It is now 09-01-2010! I'm so glad. I love September. I get round #5 in about 9 hrs., I suppose I should be in bed..but don't want to go to sleep and miss any time while I feel so good :) So, not much is new. My hair is growing back and I am not sure what color it is yet...it looks white sometimes, blonde and light brownish other times, depending on the lighting. lol. But I love the way it feels...like baby bird hair, it's all soft and fuzzy- wierd. I rub it all the time because it is so soft. It was funny, today my friend Tammy visited and then we went shopping, she mentioned that we probably looked like dikes! hahahahaha. I am pretty sure we did... she has a cute little pixie haircut, and I am half bald/ half soft, fluffy buzz! Made me laugh until I realized people were probably assuming that I am the dude! Not so funny then! I also have new eyelashes...I know it is so shallow & vain, but THANK YOU GOD! I think when those fell out, well, that was the point I felt like "Pat" from SNL... is it a man or woman??? So now I feel pretty again with my eyelashes. I feel like I am clearly female with mascara on.
Other news... Jessi is now picking up hours at the stable for a little extra cash. I am SOOOOOO proud of her!!! She is working in the Anna school district with special needs kids. They have downs and autism. I love her passion about it all. Her face lights up when she tells me about her day and these kids...especially her favorite little boy. I think it is awesome how she is applying all of her experience from college to give the absolute best to these children. She is so young and fresh, full of optimism and hope for them. She is a special girl...I couldn't do it. She is just exhausted, she leaves at 7:30 am and returns about 12 hours later. My poor baby girl, I know she is so tired. And she is missing Zack so bad since he went back to BG. They skype all night. It is hilarious, one night she was holding the laptop and saying, "do you wanna watch TV with me?" and took "him" into the living room. First I was like... barf! Then I was thinking how awesome it is she's so in love! Who is this girl? She has been such a man hater for so long, glad my sweet girl is back!
And Ty is doing well. I miss that boy so much!!! I miss his hugs. He is nonstop with FB practice and 19 credit hours. I can't wait to see him again!!! I wish chemo wasn't tomorrow...because there is NO way I can drive 5 hrs round trip to get him home for the weekend :( makes me sad. But I am going to go see him & stay the night 09-18! yay! Btw.. I didn't post about his 1st scrimmage. He carried 3 times, got about 11yds for 1st down, then about 6-7 yds, then ran the ball in for a TD! It was so fun watching him. He's my little beefcake! He is so fricking built and obsessed with working out, lifting, etc that we call him douglas, from the movie 50 1st dates...HAHAHA. We are always saying, "lay off the juice douglas" If you have seen the movie I'm sure you just giggled. If ever I see a mid drift netted jersey..I will be all over it for a christmas present. heeheehee. Tyler...if you should read this, you better call me tomorrow!!! Why no phone call or text today? At least a text, only takes 5 seconds!
Levi started 6th grade... caught somewhere between a boy and a man. Sometimes he is too cool for me, is doing homework independently, maturing. And the next minute, he is my little doodlebug, and I can still hold him, tickle his back while he is falling asleep, and love on him with eskimo & butterfly kisses. I love it, and I know my days of that are numbered...like really soon. So I am soaking up every second he lets me still be "mommy". Although he knows no matter how old we both get, he will always be my baby. I make him promise to never stick me in a nursing home, he has to feed me and change my diapers when I am old...and I think he is the one who would. lol. He is such a sweet kid. But he cracks my butt up too. He is hilarious.
OMGosh!!! It is 1am...got to go! I will try not to post until I wake up from what Jessi has termed my chemo coma. She is so funny, when I am being pathetic she'll sing... ka ka ka chemo! ya know, like cha cha cha chia! for those dumb chia pets. Drives me nuts, but it does make me laugh. It is supposed to be a gorgeous weekend, so I wish lots of fun and love to all...hope it's a great holiday for you!!! peace out!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

OK, so I don't know why I was being such a negative Nancy on my last post. Yes, chemo sucks, but it is what it is and I need to focus on positive things. So here are some happy pics. My BFF Laura came to visit, and brought her man, Greag, AKA Tarzan. BAHAHAHA! We had so much fun. We played Bocci ball, and Greag was all like, "bring it, are you ready to lose?"....well, he wasn't so good. Laura, who noone wanted on their team, kicked all of our butts. She even threw the dang ball through a tire swing and made pointts. You suck Laura, but I still love you. Then my friends Angie & her boys, Devin & Kurt, stopped by, and Sarah & Eric. The guys played FB in the dark with tiki torches & car lights to light up the field. Then we had a bonfire and Greag kept telling us great jokes...not. heeheehee. It was a GREAT night. I haven't had that much fun since I don't remember when.
Tuesday I took Levi & Devin fishing. We caught sucker fish mostly, but Devin did get a rock bass. And Levi caught TWO fish on the same line on 1 cast...it was crazy. I've never seen that before. He was so excited. I love that kid's laugh! I was having a blast until the boys told me there were leaches in the water, as I was standing in it with my feet sunk in the sludge. I flew outa there so fast....they thought it was hilarious. Brats! hahaha. Well, got to go...another dr. appt. wohoo, big day out. lol. Will post later, and I promise not to be such a downer! Have a great day.











































Tuesday, August 24, 2010


























So Friday after chemo... we went to Indian Lake to our Italian Villa and all was wonderful. I was feeling great! Friday night we had so much fun. We had good company, good campfire, good weather...what else could you ask for? Pics left to right.... Levi and his friend Tyler with a new friend, I forget her name..lol, chemo brain. Paul marking Levi's face, hahaha...he SO deserved it. Then me and Ricky, Lisa's nephew...he is soooo cute, love that kid! Me and Dave, Paul's brother. Next is Lisa, Pam, me, Steph, and Ali. (Ricky's momma and sisters) They are the sweetest family ever. Then me and my baby, Paulie. Saturday night...chemo kicked in. I took the bottom picture sometime after we went home. I am not exaggerating...it took me about 5 minutes to muster the strength to pick up my phone & take this pic. And the phone was lying on the couch next to my head. Chemo SUCKS!!!! I cannot describe in words how it feels, but I will try; you are feeling fine and at first it comes in waves. Out of the blue it hits you, your mind feels foggy, sometimes a headache too, dizziness, weakness- and by weakness, I mean you can't even walk without convincing yourself you can for about 10 minutes & having someone help hold you up, with the sensation of waves of poison circulating through your body. I can actually feel the poison rushing through my veins...not a pleasant feeling. I just have a sense of impending doom. All you can do is lie there, feeling like your body is dying...thats when my other personality, Sybil(my other personality), moves in. Suddenly it is all very real. I HAVE CANCER. I start having flashbacks of Terry, and feel overwhelmed with what my family is being subjected to all over again. I watch alot of those TV shows; forensic files, the first 48, etc. I imagine chemo feels somewhat like arsenic poisoning. At this point I lose it, emotionally. All I can do is lie there and cry. The only thing I have control over is my eyes, the rest of my body feels heavy and paralyzed. My body isn't mine anymore, it feels unattached and like it is rotting. BUT...the good news... this time I met a really sweet woman, Denise, up at the lake. She taught me all about meditation, visualization techniques, and how- when you smile or laugh...even if it is fake, your brain releases chemicals that lift your mood. So Paul was amazing, he did visualization with me. He stayed right beside me, holding me. He calmed me down by having me close my eyes and he "took" me back to Galveston, walking out on the rocks and sitting there at night with the ocean rolling in at our feet. He described it so vividly and somehow I was able to get out of my body & the moment to be peaceful enough to fall asleep. I thank God for him! He is the my rock. These waves of what I have termed "icky" come and go for a day or two. Then icky comes to stay.
It is so hard... because I feel totally normal beforehand and think I am ready for the next round, actually kinda excited to kill this crap. But you forget just how horrible it is until you re-live it again. And when you do, NOTHING can prepare you. Although there is always a silver lining! This time there were a few; I learned techniques to help me cope, and am lucky enough to have my beautiful Paulie there to carry me. And then when Sybil took over and was pathetically hopeless, wanting to give up... my friend Sarah was right there kicking her out. She wrote me a beautiful letter I can refer to every time I am filled with despair. It reminds me of all the reasons I was put on this earth, including the life I have ahead of me. It is filled with hope, but in a factual way to remind me that faith, hope, trust, and God are way more powerful that chemo or cancer. At the end of the letter she wrote a cancer chant and included a sign for Sybil to put on my fridge. Made me laugh and cry (happy tears).
CANCER CHANT:
Cancer, I did not give you the right,
to invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I WILL prevail with one hell of a fight!
To the cancer inside, I will battle & kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send...
Your life is short and near the end!!!
SYBIL FRIDGE SIGN:
Go away Sybil...
Because the will of God will NEVER take me
where the grace of God will not protect me!
God our Father, walk through my house today
take away all my worries and illness,
in Jesus' name.... Amen
Thank you Sarah!
The other blessing in all of this... my sissy, Jill. She took me tues to get a CT scan and get marked for radiation. She pushed me in a wheelchair, albeit against my will, lol, and sat with me as I pathetically laid on the waiting room floor, I tried to sit in the chair as long as I could. Our two little boys were there waiting patiently, being so well behaved! We were there forEVER, 2 hours, I think. Anyway, she is my little angel! I love you Jill & could NOT do this without you!
To Ali... I am so sorry you had to see me like that. I HATE it that you did. But thank you for helping me get into the bed. And thank you for coming up...I love hanging with you & very much enjoyed talking with you before things went south. You are such a beautiful girl, inside and out!!! Just remember...that is NOT me, that was chemo.
To Levi and Andrew, I wish that all of this would never be a part of your childhood memories. That is what makes me the saddest. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I just pray for the ability to tackle it head on with my head held high, so you remember that. I will not let this steal my love for my life, or my joy!!!
OK, so this is a ridiculously long post, totally self-absorbed, and full of chemo/cancer junk. I dont know why, maybe it is therapeutic to me, but I wanted to get it all out there. But now I am done. I feel awesome again, grabbing life by the balls and seizing the day! Today is Levi's last day of summer, school starts tomorrow morning. So we are going to go fishing for the day! Hope we catch a bass!!! That is the goal. And it is perfect outside, just perfect. Not too hot, not too cool. YAY! Watch out little fishies...here we come!

Friday, August 13, 2010






















































top picture is zack...our other baby boy! jessi's boyfriend...we love zackie! (aka zippy)they are due to a story similar to theres something about mary...frank and beans! HAHAHA so...the pics are from the night we met his family, then pics of ty on move-in day at ashland...i did good...didn't cry till i pulled away. the bottom pic is meredith..his girlfriend...they are attached at the hip...so i know it's going to be hard for them both. mer, if you're reading this u better still visit me! anyhooo..i got hit hard yest with round 4..but i feel awesome today! yipee! its the steroids..so i will probly crash and burn by mon or tues...but thats ok...kickin cancer ass! gotta go..headin to the lake for some R&R. pauls in the car waiting! i will blog again soon. so much to talk about! love to all!



Sunday, August 8, 2010















as you can see... we had a wonderful time in Galveston! Funny how your plans differ from God's sometimes, I thought I had been led to Texas for surgery, when really what I needed was time away with my husband! It was perfect and we were so happy there. Fell in love all over again! And, i discovered the sun isn't my enemy anymore...I am happier than anyone will ever know... my life is BEAUTIFUL & PERFECT!!! So, chemo this thurs., 3 more rounds, then radiation. I am sick of thinking & talking about cancer...but I know ya'all want to know whats going on. So thats the plan. Enough on that! Preparing myself to take Ty to Ashland wed. At least trying...my little baby boy...leaving home :( I will miss him so! At least I'm not working so I can visit him alot! YAY! Have a great day everyone!