Saturday, December 24, 2011

THANK YOU everyone for your comments, posts, and texts!!! I well up with tears of happiness and feel so comforted by all of you. I feel the love!!!! I am so very grateful for every single person who touches my life!!! I don't know why I am on this path... but I DO trust God completely and my prayer is this: That through my journey, God's love will be felt by someone who didn't know or feel it before. That I can teach someone, even if it's just 1 person, that love is all that matters in the end! That if you trust, if you have unwaivering faith, if you see your life through the eyes of our Father and reeeeally see every good thing He has given and does for us... then it WILL BE a beautiful, amazing, happy life filled with contentment and JOY. We cannot let our troubles be the focus of our existence! It's not about the past, or finding happiness in the future- it really is so simple... it is about this very moment and trying our best to be a source of laughter, love, and kindness to everyone we touch. I pray that His light shines through me, so you can all see how A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-L-Y much we are loved by Him. And I am so thankful today for this huge celebration we are all about to start... it is the BESTEST birthday party of the year! Holla! I can't wait !!! Have fun everyone!!!! God's blessings to you and yours!!!!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.


Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Why, hello everyone! Just a quick note to tell you I am good! I dropped a deuce and not feeling that uncomfortableness anymore- thank God! I knew I had eaten too much lol. I don't know why I was so freaked out, lack of sleep probably didn't help the situation either. BUT, I am a new woman today. Just got my "juice", yay my platelets were still good, and I can already feel a mild burn in the vicinity of my liver.... SUPER AWESOME! I love feeling that! Burn, baby, burn! I just know this chemo is doing something! Even if it just slows the growth- it's a beautiful gift :) and I am happy. Enough on that junk.
So, I am making huge progress in my Christmas present projects. I wish I could tell you all that I am making. But they are secrets, hahaha. I am having so much fun though. I love making special things for the people I love so much. I cannot wait to give them away!!! Less than 3 weeks now, the anticipation is so fun. And, tomorrow night I am meeting up with all my old friends from work for dinner, drinks, and a movie. Then Sat going out with my sister for her birthday.... love La Fiesta! Twice in 1 wk is awesome. Then on Sunday we are going to the Duronia Club Christmas party- I think I may just sit on Santa's lap, hehehe. So this is going to be a wonderful week for me (soon as I get thru day 1 of chemo) and I hope whoever reads this also has a fabulous week! I wish you much joy and happiness!!!!! God bless us, each and every one! :)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Can't sleep. I just realized I had an old post on here that I never published, so I just re-read it and put it up. (see below) It was really good to read that to remind me of some good things. Because I am having a hard time tonight with anxiety, I guess. I have been feeling fabulous for the past month- so much so, that I kind of forgot all about my cancer... and let me tell you, I have been very happy! It has been absolutely freeing to not ever think about it! But today I've been really bothered because I can feel something under my right ribs. Gosh I hate it! I am just fine, but when I can "feel" it... well, it makes it pretty hard not to think about. I tried my hardest today to push bad thoughts away, relax, trust God. And I did pretty good too! I worked on a Christmas gift I am making, played with & babysat Wyatt, finished decorating my tree, and made dinner. But... every time I leaned forward for too long, or turned just the right way I was constantly reminded of this pain in my side. Or should I say PIA? lol. I told myself all day it's just because I've been eating too much. (when I have a really full belly sometimes I feel this) But I don't know, this time it feels like it goes up higher under my ribs. It doesn't really hurt, just bothersome and uncomfortable. So, here I sit at 2am. I tried to go to bed, but whatever position I am in it's really bugging me. And at night- when day is done, all is so very quiet, and all of the noise of the day has faded away... my mind starts racing. I start thinking all of the what ifs. And even though I was yawning and could barely keep my eyes open on the couch... somehow lying in my quiet, dark room it is like I just drank an entire pot of coffee! Eyes wide open. I hate this place! I haven't been here for a long time and I don't like it at all! Ok, so I need to refocus here. (It's just so hard when I feel like there's a baby inside on the right when I KNOW there is no baby lol) Ok, janet, come on... focus! God is my past, present, and future. Every moment I am given is a beautiful thing, a precious gift. Christmas is coming and life is good. smile. WAIT, what if I don't wake up! I have to make it till Levi is 14!!! Well, how bout till I am 40?!? That's only 9 more months. That's not too much to ask is it? (Panicky feeling starts) Oh God, I can't die! I don't want to die! I love this precious, sacred, beautiful life you gave me.... please. PLEASE! PLEASE GOD! (now I start obsessive thoughts) I know that you created this body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit, and You made it miraculously, with the ability to repair and heal itself. Help me (along with my new anti-cancer diet) to gain wisdom and strength to be able to be cured. I know Your will is for me to prosper, to have good things in my life, to live. Not to be fearful and afraid. So please God, take this fear away, because I am scared shitless right now. Ok, this is RIDICULOUS! Where is my faith? WHY am I letting this horrible panic and fear come over me? I'll tell you why... because I CAN FEEL THIS FRICKING CANCER BALL inside me!!! And it's late and quiet. Ok, janet... just stop! Where's my bible? I thought journaling would help, but I think I need to refer to the good book at this point. Normally I don't think I would post this, but what the heck~ it is what it is and I'll be ok tomorrow! (If I can just get to sleep tonight)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Fast forward to today... I got my "new" chemo last Thurs. and I am so happy to report it is a breeze! The schedule will be 2 weeks on- I will get it IV once a week- then 1 week off. The first couple of days were insane thanks to the IV steroid I got with it. I forgot just how hyper it makes you. Oh my goodness, I was totally "cracked" out. I was up all night, zipping around as if I had drank an entire case of red bull, hahaha. It was good the first day, but by the second day I'd had enough... my hands were so shaky I couldn't perform any fine motor tasks, lol. NOT a good feeling. When I got to that point I was afraid I would crash and burn, as I had in the past, but I am still good! Woop woop! Holllla! And God, it feels so good! I will not ever allow myself to go back to not really living. I didn't realize at the time just how poorly I was living, or not living I should say. And to be honest with you, I can see now that I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally struggling too. I allowed myself to become very depressed and was totally giving in, giving up. I started focusing on death and a future without me. That is SO not who I am, but when you physically feel so awful it is easy to subconciously, slowly get to that place. I cannot believe I was there and didn't even know it. I'd just say to myself, "I'm just so tired." But I was not functioning at all. I didn't take care of Levi in the morning, I didn't know what was going on at school, help with homework, didn't tuck him in at night. I didn't acknowledge my husband or Jess or Ty. I had cut myself off from my friends, not contacting or talking to anyone. The only thing I accomplished during that 2 months was managing to take care of Wyatt a few days a week , "show up" and fake it for certain events. I would say all the things I used to believe, almost like I was reading a script of positivity. But I was not feeling it- I just figured the more I repeated all that crap maybe I'd start to feel or believe it again. It was really, really hard. I cried an awful lot during the past couple months, I just felt so helpless. Even worse- hopeless. It is crazy to me now because I am me again, very happy! It literally feels like I've emerged from a coma. And I am very excited and happy to still be here! I have such a feeling of complete, utter euphoria... to feel alive! I can't wait for Christmas, snow, the OSU/Mich game!!! There is so much exciting stuff coming and I love, love, love it! Sidenote, we have electric outside now and Paul promised we will light up the house this year. I CANNOT POSSIBLY describe the joy I feel inside for that. I want to string evergreen branches along our white picket fence too, with lights and ribbons! Then all we'll need is enough snow to make a snowman :) heeheeheehee, I can't stop smiling! Oh my gosh, I am completely overjoyed for Christmas! It is the most special day of the year... thank you God for sweet baby Jesus! I already made Paul listen to Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is you" a few times. And I think, no, I know, he secretly loved it! hehehe. Or maybe it was my dancing he loved. I thought that with the cancer card, I may have been able to un-Scrooge him... but last night he started to tell me about a van he saw advertising professional Christmas light installation. WHAT PAUL??? Are you serious? Hmmm, no way is he getting out of the festivities! NO WAY! He will string lights and decorate the tree... and, with a song in his heart! I swear I will someway, somehow rub off on him and turn him into a Christmas junkie. There is no reason and no room in my home for Scrooge! This is the happiest, most important day! It is such a gift and celebration... how can you not be overjoyed??? I will keep you updated with his transformation. Who knows, maybe he will wear his Santa suit this year just because he wants to! hahahaha. You never know! Miracles happen, right?!

Wow, I can really get off subject! So, not to keep going on about all of this cancer crap but I just want to tell you about an amazing experience and epiphany I had not too long ago. I went to church on a Sunday, Wyatt in tow. Didn't really feel like going, but I made myself go for Levi's sake. So I got there and sat in the last row, anticipating Wyatt getting fussy and dreadfully having to stand up and rock him. (Dreadfully only because I was so weak and my arms hurt so bad from this little ritual.) Then I started having a hot flash, ugh! "I shoulda just stayed home, I'm already worn out and church hasn't even started." Then Pastor Andy sneaks up beside me as church is starting and whispers a request to call me forward (and I'm thinking... say what? Are you crazy? I don't like being front & center, unless of course it's me cutting up and making people laugh.) My first instinct was to tell him absolutely not! But then I heard the second part of his request, which was to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me & pray. So I reluctantly said sure. I was thinking, well... nothing else seems to be working, I don't know how I feel about this oil and hands hocus-pocus... but I know prayer is heard, why not? Can't hurt, right? And I guess I want to believe that there is some kind of powerful, miraculous ability for prayer & oil to cure me- if that is God's will. So he calls me up. As I walk forward I feel like I have a turtleneck on that is choking me, I am not liking this at all! Why did I agree to this? I can feel ALL eyes on me. The poor girl with cancer. I think about Levi standing back there holding Wyatt, and how I want church to be a happy place for him, not where cancer -once again- has the upper hand. I don't want to have cancer here. I really don't want to give my cancer so much attention. God, why did I come today?

So, I turn around, mortified at all the faces staring at me. Pastor Andy starts talking about how I have cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but I clearly remember him loudly using the word cancer, and saying, "that's right, I'm calling it out by name!" Oh gosh, why did I do this? Then I hear him announce his intention to annoint me with oil and lay hands on me to pray. What I wasn't expecting, or prepared for- was his request for anyone who felt the desire to come forward and lay their hands on me to so I could be lifted in prayer by many. As soon as he got the words out it felt like the whole, entire congregation was walking toward me. I didn't have time to think about it or feel uncomfortable with it. That is when everything changed. Now, I'm not crazy (I mean seriously crazy) but I swear to each and every person reading this that at this point I had an out of body experience. I know, I know!!! It sounds nuts! And maybe it is... all I can do is tell you what I experienced that day. So, anyway, as the people were coming toward me I saw tears and felt the most sincere love in their faces. Just pure care and love. So many people came right to me. I felt so many hands on me and saw tears just rolling down so many cheeks. I looked into the eyes of these people, alot of whom I didn't know, and felt so much love. Just beautiful, simple, pure love. I started to follow suit with the tears, but not sad ones. I just felt so completely loved, in a way I never have before. It was beautiful, amazing! There just are not any words to describe what happened or how I felt, but I'll try. It is hard to explain. But I also felt God. I have prayed and talked to God more times than you can imagine, often times wondering if he's busy with someone else, but I felt Him with us. Without a doubt, not stemming from belief or faith, but He WAS RIGHT THERE! I just felt His presence. So as Andy started with the oil and praying I started to feel like I was floating. I couldn't feel my legs standing on the ground, actually I couldn't really feel any part of my body specifically. I felt all those hands on me, but in a different way. It felt like we were one person. And those hands were carrying me, my body and my spirit. I was so exhausted at that moment in time and it was so awesome to just let go and "let" them carry me. Because I felt like I couldn't walk one more step in my life. And there was one woman in front of me who was squeezing my hands with hers. I don't know why, but her touch was the most powerful. I felt so overjoyed with love, rescued from my nightmare. It was a moment of such amazing peace and grace. It was like I was lost in time, in some beautiful trance-like state, with the most beautiful music playing- but I remember at some point thinking to myself, Oh wow, this is what heaven is going to be like!!! And let me tell you, it was a very happy place to be!
Another lady came up to me afterward and said, "I know you're going to beat this." And I was thinking to myself... "what you don't know is that I already have!" So that is my huge epiphany... whether this dumb cancer ends up taking my body or not is irrelevant... I BEAT IT!!! I beat that son of a bitch EVERY single day of my life! I beat it every time I get chemo, I beat it every time I break down, fall apart... but pull myself back up and back into a joyful existence, I beat it every time I let go and trust God with my life and my families lives. I beat it when I pray, "God, this is YOUR body, mind, and soul.. use it for your will and just guide me to be what you need me to be. I beat it every hour of my life! "Beating" cancer isn't about being in remission AT ALL!!! It is about living and being the best me I can be- despite the fact that "it" grows inside me! I beat it when I laugh, when I find joy in the mundane daily tasks, when I look outside at this wondrous world, when I kiss Wyatt, when I tuck Levi into bed, when I hug Paul, when Tyler calls and makes my day to talk with me, when I watch my amazing daughter being a mommy, when I look to my future, when I don't lose hope. I could go on and on and on, but my epiphany is this: I have not, nor will I EVER lose my battle with cancer! God is my Savior, my strength, my hope, my past, present, and my future... I beat cancer, because I love and because God loves me- period.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

What a difference a week makes! ....and getting off chemo, lol. Wow, I cannot believe how bad I was feeling and I didn't even realize it. I am normal now- I just wake up, make coffee, get moving, do chores, etc. without having to think about it and try to talk myself into it! (and then end up not accomplishing a single thing except getting better at my remote control without looking at it). That is pretty pathetic- my remote has become more like another appendage that I use as if it were another hand with fingers. Don't even use my brain, it's automatic. Now I do not even feel like watching TV at all.... what a waste!
Anyhooo... I want to let ya'all know my medical plans and then I am done talking about this dumb cancer, what a waste! Ok, so after much contemplation I have opted to skip the radiation to my lower skull. From my understanding the area is small and not growing as fast as the liver tumors, and I don't want to take the risk of hitting any cranial nerves when I am completely asymptomatic. Plus... (I know this may sound really morbid to you, sorry- it's the nurse in me lol) maybe this thing by my brain stem is a blessing in disguise. If, and I repeat...IF this cancer does kill me, rather than wasting away from little tumors taking over everywhere... maybe one big blow to my brain stem would be better for me and all involved, hahaha. quick please?!? Now, on to the chemo decision. That has been a tough, tough one. I talked to Paul, as well as each of my kids and the consensus is just stop that crazy nonsense! Especially with the difference in me from last week to this one. I am telling you, I am a completely new person! I feel alive again! And it feels so good. BUT... at the same time this is the only one I haven't tried, and maybe it could stop that dumb cancer for awhile??? I have to give it a try. Trust me... I am not excited about it. My hair can fall out again and that's my biggest thing, I DO NOT NOT NOT want to be bald again! It feels so wonderful not to be stared at, receive pity looks, etc. I just want to be seen for me... not what chemo has done to me physically. And I love feeling like a woman again, not gonna lie. Call me vain, I don't care! But I guess the more important thing is (cue the music)... "I get knocked down, but I get up again, YEAH!, you're never gonna keep me down!" hahaha. I just sang that outloud while I typed it, I am so silly. So, I have to try it! Dr. M is going to do a dose reduction since I have had so much chemo and I'll see how this week goes. If it's bad... game over... I am done. NOT done fighting cancer, just done poisoning my body. I will try new ways to continue to battle (diet, exercise, mindset, etc). Because ya know, I want to live my life feeling happy, being me... full of energy & smiles. This bag of bones wasting away on the sofa is not me!!! At all!!! By the way- I have gained 5 pounds in 1 week! Yeah! It is like I have come out of a coma, and I was starving! I can't quite stuff enough food in my face, I'm so hungry constantly.

Monday, October 31, 2011






So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?


I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011



So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)



Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

It is so beautiful outside today! And I am really happy because Levi's last football game is at noon, what a PERFECT day for a game! That's all I have today... got to get moving. Hope to write later.
Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you well, excited to start a new week! Afterall... every day is a new day, right? I am going to have a fabulous week, because yesterday I heard the words "I will sing a new song" at some point in church and it occurred to me that I should. So I am going to try really hard this week to accomplish at least 1 thing a day and refuse to let fatigue (understated word, lol) win. And that 1 thing doesn't include a shower or making dinner... which is what my goal has been lately. hahaha. And I am going to try to be a better mom & wife... quit being so self absorbed and start taking care of my family again! I'm really exited to make a change... lying on the couch 24/7 is no way to live. Plus this is like the most beautiful time of year, my favorite I think. Well, idk... spring is so beautiful after a long winter.... it's a toss up I guess. No, fall for sure! Jeans & hoodies, bonfires, leaves, dressing up for Halloween- it doesn't get any better than that! So yesterday was a good start- I went to church (when I didn't really feel like it when I woke up) and went to the grocery with Wyatt (thank God for Levi or I wouldn't have made it) and made dinner. Today I am going to finish a quilt I've been working on. HUGE, HUGE accomplishment! I don't believe Paul's family reads this so I will tell you. (These are supposed to be a suprise) When his sister Terry passed away I took all of her clothes and started making quilts immediately. I made one for her sister Lisa and one for her daughter Alissa. Well, (I am so mad at myself) I hadn't worked on anymore since I was diagnosed. Too painful I guess. I couldn't cut up her clothes without balling my eyes out... it was awful, there's such a finality in doing that. Such a realization that she is really gone and never coming back. And I could smell her on her clothes, which actually was a very comforting thing. I loved smelling her, just had a hard time chopping up her clothing. Anyhoo... I resumed my quilting awhile ago and I have finished two, and today I will finish my 3rd! Yeah! Btw, it's not hard to do so much now... I feel really happy to have these pieces of her that they will be able to wrap around them. Christmas is going to be sooo good this year! It is going to be very "Little House on the Prairie" with my homemade gifts, PERFECT! For those of you who don't know me too well, I always wanted to live like Caroline. hahaha. That's how it should be anyway, instead of all the crap we spoil our family with, it has def lost it's meaning I think. Well, I'm bringing it back baby! Maybe I'll even bake a birthday cake for Jesus this year like a did once a long, long time ago. I just love Christmas, bestest holiday ever! Wow, I can ramble. I wanted to get on today to share what happened to me at church yesterday. Crap... Wyatt is awake. I will finish this in a bit. Wakie, wakie, time for eggs & bacie! :)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

So, I have written a couple of times but I cannot get this stupid blog to post. I will try again.... we just got back from full week in beeeeautiful NC! Omgosh, I've never seen so many seashells! It is sooo addicting, I just couldn't stop collecting them! I found some really cool ones and I can't wait to arrange them in this huge (and I mean huge) glass jar. I'll have to take a pic when I get done. I'm so sad though because the last day of our trip Lisa, Levi, and I took a ferry to Bear Island (Blackbeard's old hangout) and hunted for sand dollars and shells.... in a freaking hurricane! Well, I might be exaggerating a little. But my God it was thunder like right beside my ear and I about had a heart attack... lightening right over us- that I didn't see because of my huge 'ol umbrella (real smart, lol)... and terrential downpours! I felt like I was on survivor, except I wasn't surviving too well, hahaha. So anyhoo... on this BARREN island (that lady at our resort lied! There weren't huge shells everywhere and millions of sand dollars!) we finally found 6 sand dollars after almost 3 miles and Levi found this AMAZING starfish! It was beautiful... bright blue on one side, white on the other. That is when the storm really picked up so we turned around and realized the wind had been at our backs. hahaha. I wanted to cry...it felt like we were walking into a tornado and I was fully aware of just how far we had to go back. My feet were killing me cuz they are all messed up from my new chemo, my stupid umbrella, which was only really protecting my face from the sideways rain from pelting it, was turning inside out and I was about to throw the damn thing into the ocean! But noooo, I held on, against the wind. Not one of my wiser moments, like I was really going to stay dry at all! Poor Levi... he gave up on any attempt to shelter himself and lugged our shells wrapped up in a towel over his shoulder. He said that now he knows how Santa feels. hahaha, made me laugh. It felt as if we were hiking up a mountain due to the high winds. But I had carefully placed our beloved sand dollars in the right back pocket of my shorts to prevent any damage to our fragile treasures, and the starfish in the left one. Now here is why I am so sad... we finally made it back to the shelter house after what felt like 8 hours (was really about an hour and a half), arm and leg muscles twitching & aching so so bad, skin eaten alive by mosquitos and burning from the hard rain, drenched, out of breath, ready to fall face first into the sand.... and i saw a bench there... so i plopped down, just exhausted. And I heard it... CRUNCH! omg, sand dollars--- gone! Are you serious??? I just endured all of that and did what??? Again, felt like crying. lol. Then we proceed to walk another 1/2 mile to the other side of the island to (barely) catch the ferry back. As we are pulling away... shivering, cold to the bone, teeth chattering, wishing we were at the condo with our much wiser husbands... Levi says, "Mom, where's my starfish?" OK, this is the point I truly did have to hold back tears... left it at the shelter house!!! This was a day long event, our last day in NC, just wanted to find something so special for Levi to always have... went through so much to find them and now we've got NOTHING! Well, except our memories! hahahah, Lisa and I laughed all the way home. I wish I had just a smidge of that day on video!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I am soooooo happy right now!!! I just woke up to go to the bathroom and my face is CLEAR!!! COMPLETELY CLEAR! It's a miracle! Oh my gosh, thank you Jesus! I can touch my nose and it doesn't hurt... heeheeheehee! I am giggling it makes me so freaking happy! I can raise my eyebrows, wiggle my nose, smile... and nothing burns or hurts! And my scalp isn't tender & itchy either! Laura is here visiting and she just woke up too... she said it's because she healed me, lol. Ohhhhh wow. Earlier this week my nose was soooo swollen, Paul said I looked like an old alcoholic, ya know when their noses get so huge and red... of course he didn't say that till the swelling had gone down cuz he knew it'd make me cry, hahaha. It was pretty bad though... he was like, "babe, it was so big and shiny and tight- I could see my reflection in it and it hurt to look at it." I said, "You noticed that?" And he just started laughing. Wellll, I'm laughing now! OK, got to get back to sleep... I just had to write this because I am so happy :) I was terrified that my dermatomyositis was coming back but looks like it was just the new chemo pills, THANK GOD!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Not much new is going on. Tyler went back to Ashland... makes me so sad. I hate him being so far from home! But I am really proud of him- he worked his butt off this summer, saved some money, bought all of his books. And he wants to go on a mission trip next year... so he has totally set up a St. Pattys day triathlon @ Ashland to raise money for the trip. I mean he did sooo much work for this thing. He created a website, is still in the process of getting sponsors, opened special bank acct, created the event course, designed t-shirts, arranged for food/drink supplies, etc. I hope I will be able to go and volunteer-passing out food & drinks or something. I am just so proud of him!
Levi has resumed school, 7th grade!!! Oh my! Where has the time gone? I just cannot believe my baby is in jr. high. He's not a baby anymore.... 5ft 1 inch! Before you know it I will be looking at him eye to eye. He is really starting to grow. He still tells me he loves me when I drop him off at football, I hope that never ever changes :) I am excited to see how this school year goes... hoping he does well with his schoolwork, he became so independent last year and did soooo much better. It all of a sudden wasn't the struggle it used to be- thank God, because Lord knows that me helping him wasn't much help at all, lol. I worry about math, but I am sure he will be just fine.
Jess is working at a coffee shop in Tipp, it is gorgeous! I walked in and thought... this is what I want my home to look and feel like. It's beautiful! She really likes working there alot. Low stress that you don't take home with you- I can relate to that one. I think she will miss her students though, we'll see. She has all of a sudden become "crafty" and I love it, makes me laugh. She's turning into me. Except she is far more creative. She's refinishing an antique desk, making shelves and different wall art from old things. I am happy to see her doing this because Tyler always got credited with being the artistic one, when secretly she is too. She draws and paints as well. I just think it's so good for her to express that part of herself. LOVE IT!
Zack is still working at Home Depot. He's been getting full time hrs, so thats been really good. He has had several interviews, but no luck. The job market just pretty much sucks. I feel bad for them- college degrees and loans... and nothin! I hope he is able to find something soon, don't think he really likes working there so much. But at least its a job for now.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What a day today! I woke up so happy, ready to accomplish the world. I tried to work on my budget... after 3 hours of trying to download some kind of table or spreadsheet (that wasn't working out) I was growing quite frustrated and stressed out. And really, who wants to stare at their bills for that long? hahaha. I also forgot to take my pain pill, so the chest pain started again. For those of you who don't know, I went to the hospital Monday for chest pain, and that doesn't describe at all how bad it was. I was begging God to get me out of my body... it felt like I was being stabbbed in the chest (we're talking 7 hrs of this total) with every little breath or movement. Ends up I have pericarditis and a pericardial effusion (fluid around my heart & heart lining inflamed probly from a virus because I also had NO immune system, my counts were just about zero). Anyhoo, then I got into my car, stepped on the gas, and as I was turning/ backing up I crashed into Jessi's new car! Really? Did that just happen? I did a good job though... my car was rendered undriveable! Which was fantastic for my Dr appt that I was clearly going to be late for now. So, after saying alot of really bad words- I mean real bad, kicking the driveway, crying, and having diarrhea- because this isn't the 1st time I've wrecked my car this way :) and how in the world am I gonna tell Paul I did it yet again............ I quit for the day. I was just done. I took a shower before my appt and just sobbed, didn't even really wash myself. Just stood there crying for like 5 minutes. I know I'm always preaching to look at the bright side, blah, blah, blah... but I just wanted to crawl in bed and go back to sleep.

BUT, there is a silver lining here... I needed to get my car looked at because the left front side/wheel was shaking... was probably something pretty expensive so I've been putting it off... and because I was turning while backing out (at a high rate of speed) I happened to smash my ENTIRE left front side, including the door, front panel, tire! So, my theory now is that it was a blessing in disguise... it'll only be $250.00 for my deductible, instead of possibly hundreds. hahaha. I am laughing now, but it surely was not funny earlier.

Anyway, just wanted to update you that my appt went SO good! My blood counts are back up... actually in normal range! woop! woop!Thank you neupogen shots! So I am fricking outta isolation! Thank you Jesus, I couldn't stand one more second of that damn mask! I had holes in the dumb things from licking them constantly to poke them out of my mouth. My plateletes are still dropping really low, but whatev... can get a transfusion for that- easy fix. My point to all of this is... the chemo I got last Mon (Alimta) has officially kicked my ass. I have no bone marrow reserve and cannot tolerate it... so THANK GOD IN HEAVEN I got the new chemo pills or I'd be sol without a paddle right now and have absolutely no options to keep fighting. And THAT is my silver lining today too.... I was totally letting dumb, nonimportant "stuff" overwhelm me and got all stressed out (which is usually so not me). When really, all we can control is our reaction to life/people/circumstances. So I'm back on track- carpe diem! It was actually really nice- Jess, Wyatt, and I had a nice dinner at Bob Evan's after my appt, talked alot. Then Sarah & Eric stopped by for a visit and we did some back deck sittin. And the bottom line is I am so blessed that I have those little pills in my hand (thank you anthem) and as soon as my platelets come up I can start to fight again! YAY! super duper YAY! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness that I got em!

Sidenote..so when Levi dropped Tyler's less than 1 yr old laptop off the counter tonight and it doesn't work now, I just took a sip of my margarita and said.... "Don't say another word, let's just save that for tomorrow." LOL!!!
p.s. Paul didn't act mad at all, but the poor thing has celiac blisters all over his face & I know it's stress cuz he has been so strict on his diet. He can try to act strong and hide it, but the body doesn't lie. God bless him... it's never a dull moment with me, and not in a good way, lol. I love that man and I hope and pray for some calmness around here before he has a heart attack! I better knock on some wood STAT!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a difference a day makes! I FOR SURE got the drug that we didn't think my insurance would pay for! THEY SHIPPED IT LAST NIGHT AND IT ARRIVED AT MI CASA TODAY! Say what??? This is crazy greatness! It feels like everything is always so uphill... histoplasmosis recurrence in Nov.- delayed chemo, shingles in Jan.- again, delayed chemo & cancer started spreading, not getting chemo covered by insurance & having to try another one, blah blah blah! FINALLY something is going my way! I was at the pool store when I got the call and I just started balling with pure, utter joy and relief! I was shaking because I thought that by the time I would "maybe" get this drug, it might be too late. My little Levi was with me and I know he was just trying to piece together my phone conversation and when we walked out he asked me what it all meant, and it felt like heaven on earth to be able to tell him something good and happy for once with regard to this stupid cancer deal! I cannot tell you how it felt to see hope in his eyes! For once, he wasn't dropping his shoulders, head down, trying not to cry. Hallelujah!!! Thank you for this very moment God! My sweet little boy- the love of my life, finally gets to feel happy and not scared for a minute!It has taken every single ounce of courage and strength I have inside to stay positive and be strong throughout these past months... and despite it all- I am absolutely OVERCOME with relief, excitement, and most of all praise to God! I literally feel the weight of the world lifted from me. Thank you God so, so much! Guess you must have felt sorry for my pathetic butt on the bathroom floor at chemo the other day, lol. I KNOW God has carried me through this whole journey... even though, if I am 100% honest, I have felt abandoned by Him at times. Sometimes it has felt in my heart like my cries and prayers have been useless and unheard. But I know that those feelings are my emotions getting the best of me when I'm not getting what I want. I knew from the start this wouldn't be easy, and I have HAD to trust Him completely! And I do!!! It all goes back to Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans He has for me... to give me hope and a future (in this life and the next!) That is my favorite verse of all time- it has always sustained me through all the hard things I've been through in my life. It has always given me hope, thankfulness, and intense drive to press on in search of the good. But then, when I almost died from histo a few years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed and didn't feel right. The fever started, I could gauge it was at least 102, the shivering had begun, the hip bone pain becoming unbearable again, usual events at night... but this time it was different, I felt so dizzy and lightheaded. Everything was getting dark, I started to feel like I was dying so I said to myself, "self... DO NOT close your eyes!", so I found a spot on the wall to focus on so I wouldnt go to sleep... I knew if I did that was it, it would all be over. And it took me at least 10 or 15 minutes to gather the strength to hit the nurse call button that was lying right next to my head... that is how weak/ out of it I was. I just couldn't muster the strength. I had to think about it for a long time until I could make my arm do what my mind was telling it to. I was so scared. And of course it was the 1 and only night Paul went home ( only at my absolute insistance) and I was all alone. God, I was scared to death. Anyway.. the nurse came, checked my vitals (new, young nurse of course, lol) and when my BP was 70/40 she freaked out and said she was going to call the doctor and LEFT ME ALONE in my room! wtf? I was seriously panicked at this point, because she didn't come back for a very long time. There I was... lying in this bed, felt like I wasn't really attached to my body anymore, just trying to hold my eyes open (they were SO heavy) to look at that speck on the wall to stay awake. And I was thinking- open up my IV fluids- I need a bolus, put my bed in reverse trendelenburg, I am fading fast... why did you leave me, you dumb nurse?!? Start some dopamine! Anything, just get back here! I wanted to get out of my bed and perform these tasks but I could not move a muscle. And then it was so weird, I was all "foggy" and I closed my eyes... and someone (God, I am pretty sure) spoke to me. It wasn't a voice I could hear, it was more like a "knowing" that was being revealed to me. See, that bible verse has always gotten me through my entire life, but I had always thought it pertained to my earthly life. And now, lying in that bed feeling panicked that I was going to die, I had this overwhelming peace and knowledge that what that verse means is that His plan for me is for me to prosper both by becoming the best, most loving person I can be here and fulfilling my potential and recieving great love from my family and friends... but also when I get called home. That when I go home to His arms, it is nothing I can imagine in this life because it is so beautiful and I will be happy and filled with everything we desire here. It was AMAZING... and I was totally ok to go at that moment. I was really happy. I wasn't really in my bed anymore. Total peace. But then that nurse came back & saved the day, hahaha. For which, btw, I am so thankful she did! Even though it was 45 minutes after she left my room! (I remember I had looked at the clock before I zoned out.) Seriously though.. I cannot put into words, there just aren't any, to convey how relieved I am!!! I didn't want to die then, and here I am... I've been given 3 years since then. And now... hopefully with this new drug I will be given even more time that I have been DESPERATELY praying for! I mean, I am not afraid to die at all... but I adore my life, my family, my friends... I'm just not ready yet! I would love to see my baby grown, for Wyatt to maybe be able to remember me, to be around to help Jessi and Zack... to see Tyler married, maybe meet his baby, spend amazing, fun time with my husband! I just want to be here to enjoy and cherish all that God has given us here! I FRICKING LOVE MY LIFE!!! So, I am asking anyone reading this to get on your knees when you think of me, and pray with me the second part of my prayer... that this "new" drug will help me the way it has other late stage thymic cancer patients. Pray for more time for me, please! Thank you to every single soul out there who has held me and my family up in your thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed with so much care, concern, love, and prayers... and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support! I couldn't do this without all of you :) Sorry for all the rambling... I don't even know how I got so off the subject, hahaha. All I was going to blog was that I got Sorafenib! YEAH!!! Woop! Woop! SO awesome!!!! I'm so happy!!!!
K, I am so tired... night night! ttyl.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Hello! I am feeling so much better today! Boy, yesterday was awfully tough. We went to my Dr. appt and "saw" the reality of my cancer progression on my pet scan... I am never looking at those again, lol. It's one thing to know it in your head... but to see your own body and all those stinking tumors filling up your insides, whew, it's a hard pill to swallow. And to hear the words, "it's about quality of life... blah, blah, blah." I HATE that phrase!!! Just hate it. Because I do so well living out loud and feeling really happy except when I get those damn scans. It is way better not knowing because I don't look (now that I have hair again- thank God) or feel "sick" at all! And that's the way I like it. I spent so much wasted, negative energy yesterday crying my eyes out the entire time at chemo. And it was the ugly cry, hahaha.I did good at my Dr. appt, but wow... when I walk into that stinking treatment room... and all those people lined up in chairs like a factory assembly line, looking frail and like they are dying. I just couldn't take it yesterday. I had to get up and go into the bathroom, where I fell onto the floor and sobbed and prayed. And when I got back into my chair I did ok, until I would look at Jill or Lisa, or when I would think. And that's not me! I refuse to give this cancer power over my happy little soul! That is who I am... happy-go-lucky, see the good in everything, spontaneous, fun, thankful... love my life. So that is where I am this morning, I absolutely refuse to grieve what "might" be. Proverbs 3:5... I trust Him with ALL of my heart, not gonna try to lean on my own undertsanding. amen. I mean... it is what it is, I can't control my destiny to a certain extent, and I am so totally blessed with a VERY good & happy life... so I choose to roll with that! I thought of the card Tim & Anne got me at the beginning of all of this... it said to be fierce. I loved that card and that word means so much to me. Fierce... I will be fierce about living my life to the absolute fullest! I am so lucky for how bad my cancer is that I have very little symptoms. Sometimes after I eat I have a little discomfort under my right ribs... but that's it! How awesome is that! I thank God every single day for feeling completely healthy. What an amazing gift, blessing. So.... thank you God again today... you rock!

I was so happy last night too... my brother David came over... it was so nice to hang out and talk. What a great way to turn the day around and end it on a good note. I also want to thank you- Sarah and Laura, I really don't know what I would do without you two! You are such treasures. You always know exactly the right thing to say to me to make me feel better. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. I am super excited, Laura is going to take a week off of work early September and spend it with me. I am so happy! I miss my girl so bad... and I desperately need her by my side :) yay!!! Then mid Sept. Paul Lisa, Phil, Levi, and I are going to Tops Sail Island in NC for an entire week! I want my other kids to go too... will have to see if they can get out of work/school. It was supposed to be just us 4 adults, but with how my health is- I want my babies (all 5 of them) with me too. I cannot wait! I love love love the ocean/beach! Although shark week is next week on TV, and they freak me out totally. And I just heard 2 very disturbing things... a little 4 yo girl was bitten by a shark recently in only 18 inches of water, and here's the kicker... Top Sail Beach is #3 beach for most shark infested waters! Someone may have been messing with me, I need to google that stat to verify! lol. Did I really pick that place? What was I thinking? Oh well, I don't really swim in the ocean, I just love to walk the beachline in shallow water and hunt for crabs at night, and collect shells. I think that just may be my favorite thing in the world to do. And I am super excited because the Ritz in Ft. Lauderdale gave us a book on building kick ass sand castles and a beach cookbook that we will for sure use in NC. Awww, I am thinking about Christine from there. She was so loving, a great lady. I will never forget her hug she gave me when we left. :) I need to send her an email.

Jill, Lisa, and esp Paulie... want you to know HOW MUCH I love you and I am so sorry for what you have to go through on my bad days, that is what pains me so, so deeply! But thank you for taking such good care of me and holding me up when I can't stand. How lucky am I to have people who love me so much! That's what it is all about, huh? Sticking together through everything. And even though it is so hard and feels unbearable at times, we have more good and happy times together than bad... and when you put it all together, it makes life so beautiful. All of it. Despite cancer, we are so blessed to have eachother and love eachother like we do. :) :) :)

Hope whoever is reading this takes the time to choose to be happy today and not waste time fighting, being angry, sad, or depressed. Be love, give love... always.always. always.

p.s. Laura, I hope you have enjoyed your reign as scrabble champion, but I will redeem myself... and you will NOT win again! I promise you. hahaha.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

So, I have new pet scan results... liver tumors are bigger and there are several new ones! (in just 6 weeks while getting chemo) Pretty much sucks, but what are you gonna do? Chin up and fight on!!! I see my doctor in the morning and I am really eager to start a new chemo. I haven't had any for almost 3 weeks, my platelets were too low again. Which kinda made me suspect that the chemo wasn't working too well. But at the time all I heard was I'd be getting a chemo break, and was like wohooo! NOOOO chemo... I am totally down with that. hahaha. Now I am like, hurry up and shoot me up with some poison! Like, yesterday! lol. I researched stuff online all weekend and I am VERY excited about 1 drug that has helped several thymic cancer patients that are refractory to standard, current therapies available. One dude went 9 months with no progression of disease, idk what has happened to him since.. but I would give just about anything for my shit not to grow for 9 months! But, of course, it isn't FDA approved for thymic cancer yet (grrr) so I pulled some case reports for my doc to fight insurance co to get it approved/paid for. So please say a prayer for me that I can get this drug... I need it BAD, REAL BAD! It is the only drug I have found that has worked with late stage TC that are resistant to other chemos. And my cancer is growing just about as fast as the weeds in my garden, lol. And at this point I am really frustrated, pissed off actually. I am so ready for one of these chemos to do something for a change! But, idk, maybe they are (slowing it) working a little. Maybe if I weren't getting these drugs I wouldn't be here right now... who knows. So, I just have to have courage and keep on keepin on :) I gave Paul a John Wayne frame that says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway!" I just love that quote, so true! OK, enough on that... I am done talking and thinking about dumb cancer! (well, after my appt in the morning.)

Other news; My cousins Karla & mike, their daughter Brittney, and my Uncle Karl came to visit me on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing them & spending time with them. We got all caught up and had some good laughs. Planning on a girls night in the fall. Will be fun time, can't wait.

Also, Ty is done working at Lowes until he goes back to Ashland and I am sooo happy! I have hardly seen him all summer and I miss my boy. Hoping to spend some good time together over next couple of weeks. I just love that kid! He is funny, so sweet, good to talk to.... wise beyond his years. It's funny, I'm supposed to be the mom, but he helps me so much to "get through" some of my rough moments. His faith is AMAZING! I love that about him so much. He has never changed who he is for anyone, always stood his ground with his values and beliefs. I'm so proud of the man he is. Oh, funny story- last week he was working, came home for dinner, went back to work. I knew he was working until 9 and at 10pm I thought, maybe it was until 10pm. Now I have to tell you, Tyler always asks permission to go anywhere, even though he is almost 19. It's so sweet. So, anyhoo... I fell asleep on the couch waiting up for him, wondering where in the world he was. I woke up at 1am totally panicked. Jill had come here after work and was awake so I asked her to check if Ty's car was here. She went outside and said nope. Then I started the OCD text messages and phone calls to his cell. No response, no answer. Jill tried to call her house to see if he had gone there after work, but no answer- everyone was obviously sound asleep. By 2am I was freaking out! I called his aunt, grandma, friends. He was nowhere. Then I called the po-po with a knot in my stomach. This isn't Tyler, he would never not let me know where he was, he'd never stay out all night. (If this had been Jess I'd just be irritated that she was doing this & wouldn't be worried or scared at all.) So whoever I talked to said there had been no accidents and since he was 18, not much I can do. I explained the situation and she said she would have a sheriff return my call right away. I was debating which way Tyler would have driven to work so I could go drive the route. I went and woke up Paul, extremely stressed out... and Paul said, "He came home from work, took a shower and went to Jill's." I thought to myself, what??? HOW did I miss that??? I mean, I know my memory is awful, but come on. I was so exhausted (at this point it was 3am) that I decided to believe him. Paul is always on it. The phone rang, I told the sheriff I felt like an idiot, but we knew where he was, thank God! I tried to fall asleep but something kept nagging me that Paul was not fully awake and didn't know what the heck he was saying. Ty would have told me!!! I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 am. OK, so heres the funny part... I wake up at 7ish to find a note from Jill... seems Tyler was home in bed the WHOLE time!!! She just didn't "see" his car in the driveway. He had pulled up farther than normal so it was blocked from view. OMG!!! I was so tired that entire next day after being up all night for NOTHING!!! I coulda killed her, lol. He was laughing his butt off when he looked at his phone that morning...why hadn't I just checked his bed? Gooooood question. hahaha

Other news... Levi is almost as tall as me and it is freaking me out! He has been my little baby boy for so long, but I cannot deny any longer that puberty has arrived. So sad! He is in the "I am too cool to hold your hand or act like I love you in front of anyone" phase and it is killing me. He has been talking about adult things that I didn't even know he knew! I knew it was coming, just not ready for it. I keep reminding him that he promised to still hold my hand and be snuggly with me forever, even when he is a teenager and a grown man. I guess I shouldn't expect it in public. And he does still love on me at home as long as noone else is around, guess that'll have to suffice. Ohhh, I am not ready for this. I want my baby to stay a baby forever, lol. He did say, "I love you mom" in front of his friends, so that is totally cool. Hope that never changes. He is so adorable and he makes me laugh so much. He is hilarious. I can't believe some of the things he comes up with.But I laugh after he is out of earshot, I try not to encourage him. I have to be "mom". He reminds me so much of me sometimes it's scary!

Real quick, because I am really tired & about to fall asleep... Jess is doing awesome, she looks and feels great. She is such a good little momma. Makes my heart absolutely melt when I watch her with Wyatt. I can't believe sometimes that that's my little girl holding her little baby. I remember so clearly holding her that way, looking at her that way, singing to and rocking her. It just makes me smile and feel so happy inside. Zack is so sweet with him too, I just LOVE it! He is a lucky, blessed little baby, that's for sure. He couldn't be loved more, especially by his gigi! :) I freaking adore him! Being a grandma is unbelievably awesome, no words really. I just can't wait for him to smile and "talk" to me :) ok, going to bed. nighty night!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't posted in so long. Been so busy with the arrival of my new grandbaby, going to Indian Lake, treatments, and then I was sick last week. So, quick post... as I am at Peggy's house right now... and I got a verbal beating for not blogging! So little Wyatt Joseph Baird was born on June 26th, after 22 hours of labor & a c-section... thank God baby and mom are healthy and happy. He is sooooooo stinkin beautiful!!! And he has the best little personality... laid back, never cries. Well, hardly ever. Just when he wants his GiGi to hold him. lol. I have been on cloud nine since his birth. Even when I was sick last week, there are no bad days... just look over and see his lil sweet face, ahhhh... life is gooood. If you wanna see his newborn pics just check me out on facebook. ( I never really get on there except to put pics up, haha). Anyhoo, I promise I will blog more... I have been being harrassed about this alot lately. But I gtg for now, we are having a cookout at Jim & Peg's, sitting at their beautiful tiki bar having drinks and having fun with friends. What a great night. Tim, Anne, Lisa, Phil.... hurry up and get here! Ohhhh, "come sail away" just came on the radio... we all sound so good singing! heeheehee. peace out for now! oh, and 2morrow we are getting a swimming pool... WOHOOOOO!!!!! yay, yay, yay!!!!! Cannot wait!!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011



































So, here are some Indian Lake pictures so far this summer. We've been having a good time up there. This past week has been pretty good! I got my new chemo, its not too bad... just feel tired alot, if that's it... I'll take it! My hair is coming back in, this time I'm blonde! I'll take that too!!! Thank God it isn't pure snow white again, that was hard to swallow. It was pretty freaky looking in the mirror and seeing 80 years old on the top of my head, hahaha. I told Paul now I'm gonna be like a playboy bunny, lol. So I went to Kings Island with Angie, Dana, and all our kids... so much fun! I looooove roller coasters and it had been a long time since I had rode one. It suprised me though, because Levi (who fears nothing!) was afraid to ride the big ones. I think I pretty much scarred him when he was little- when I made him ride and laughed the whole time when he wasn't really digging it so much. Hopefully he will get back on that horse someday. But we rode some fun smaller ones, swam, and did old time portraits... which I have to say he looked so cute in his old, wild west clothing! He was loving the guns they had, imagine that! It was a great day. Thanks Angie & Dana! Other than that just been spending time at the lake, fishing & swimming. Levi is on a mission; there is a monster catfish he is bound & determined to catch. It broke his line, so we got a new line and weighted hook that will hold 60 pounds.. I'll let you know when he catches it!Jill and the kids came up, Tobi came home from Louisiana before he heads off to Guam. I love that boy! And, as you can see in the pic above, I had great fun painting his friend, Nick's toes while he slept by the fire. Ahhh, good times! I have to go for now, it took way to long to upload these pics and I have much to do today. Oh, I almost forgot... Jess is dilated to 2cm!!! woop!woop! Wyatt is on his way soon! Can't wait to kiss those lil fat cheeks! They look VERY fat on the U/S from last week. heeheehee. Will post again soon... have a wonderful day! I will! :)





























































Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Well, I just read what i wrote this morning... and I am sorry for cursing like that. So, that was Sybil (my alternate personality)... I am back now. lol. I feel so much better. Jill and I took the boys to the pool and it was a beautiful, sunny day, for which I am so thankful. Summer and the sun make it really hard not to have a good day. I got all of that out this am, then I was like... ok janet, don't waste a day... on with it. I have to not think about the future. It's funny, I have such an easy time leaving the past in the past. But it's much harder to only live in the present. But today I feel great, like I said- it doesn't even feel like I have cancer, so I'm gonna roll with that... just kinda pretend I don't. I am going to try my best to absolutely enjoy every moment I am given. And that won't be difficult at all! Levi is out of school for the summer, yay yay yay! And little Wyatt will be here in a couple of weeks! LIFE IS GOOOOD! And ya know... there are so many ways this could be worse... my kids, husband, family, and friends are healthy! I would rather it be me ANY day rather than them. What about people who can't have children, or lose their children, or many other worse scenarios out there that other people are living and suffering. And like I said, I feel totally normal, so that is truly amazing and awesome. Update; I am not going to take this lying down... so I go to IU in Indianapolis tomorrow to see the thymic cancer guru in the nation- we'll see what he has to say/offer, and then Monday we are traveling to Pittsburg to a liver cancer center. They got me in so fast- thank God. I will not give up hope... I REFUSE!!!! And I will not become some pathetic, depressed Debbie Downer chic either! Chin up high... let's roll! Cause I don't have time for this crap, need to get it fixed! There's always a first to be cured from something, right? I pray it's me! And until I'm dead... I believe it can happen! I will continue to hope beyond hope and trust God with ALL of my heart. I will not lean unto my own understanding (prov 3:5) but live on blind faith in His plan for me and all of us.
Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Wow! What a great weekend! My little girl got MARRIED!!! It was soooo beautiful, outside at Clifton Mill, with the sun shining. It was just very intimate and romantic and heartfelt. She was absolutely radiant, beaming with love and joy. Hearing them say their vows took my breath away. It's the best wedding I have ever been to... and I am not saying that because it's my daughter! It was PERFECT! And I am so thankful for the man who is now my son, what a blessing to our family! It was such a happy day, and I only cried once during prayer- so noone saw me, lol. I got all the crying out the day before when I picked up her bouquet and cake. I could not stop the tears... it felt like when they got on the big yellow bus for the first time. I used to say "bittersweet", but it was alllll sweet! They were very, very happy tears and I'm just thankful I was there! I am so very excited for her, for the beginning of her adult life. Zack will take such good care of her& I know they are going to be really happy together. And.... I CANNOT wait much longer for little Wyatt! Come on baby and get here... granny needs to kiss you all over! The anticipation is killing me!!! Ok, maybe granny doesn't work, hahaha. I don't like "grandma", but I don't know what else to call myself. Oh well, I'll just let him pick a name for me :)

That's all I've got for today, it is TOO hot to be sitting here without the a/c on yet. I'll upload some pics later. Hurry up & get home from work Paulie and put those window units in!!! jeesh. ( I guess I am the one who wanted country living, haha.)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

So, here I sit. At Miami Valley hospital, again. Blah~!!! I am getting another blood transfusion. Guess I've gotta look at it like I'm gearing up for my vacation! Ya know, instead of hitting the tanning booth... I'll hit up some RBCs for oxygen & energy. lol. O well, could always be worse! That's for sure.

So chemo sucked this week. Had a horrible reaction this time: cumulative effect. Sybil (my alternate personality) came back unexpectedly. I really don't like her!!! She's so wimpy and just cries. She wanted to quit chemo altogether. So I told her to get out and don't come back! hahaha. Paul's out of town on business, and as Jill and I were leaving the house for tx yesterday, Levi tripped and busted his lip at school & needed stitches. Just perfect. Thank God for good friends, Mindy took care of Levi for me, then Dr M. gave me some drugs and i am feeling better. Enough on that. Just thinking that if you are having a bad day, at least you're not me! lol.

OK, can't keep my eyes open. gtg. Be sure to check out Ritz Carlton in Ft Lauderdale... CANT BELIEVE WE ARE GOING!!! ohhh, the beach, the waves, snorkeling in Key Largo, ahhhhhh! Oh, I am going to sleep happy now. Just a few more days :)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Lots to write about! First, the excitement and anticipation of this Friday is consuming me! The royal wedding is only 4 days away!!! I am excited because Jill and I are going dress shopping as soon as we get done (at chemo-blah!) She thinks I am a total wierdo because if she wants to come over I am insisting we dress up as if we are in attendance. HOW FUN!!!! The suspense is killing me... what will Kate be wearing? What will her bouquet look like? Will the carriage be open or covered? I hope it doesn't rain! An open carriage ride after the ceremony would be awesome!

Uhhhm, just thought about the time difference! OK, change of plans- dangit! Oh well, Jill will be happy we are wearing pajamas. lol. That sucks! I was really excited to get all dressed up and "go" to the wedding.

OK, so secondly... I got picked from the Jack & Jill foundation (they grant vacations for stage 4 cancer people) for a family trip! All expenses paid! So in less than 2 weeks we are heading to the Ritz Carlton in Fort Lauderdale WOOP! WOOP! google it if you have time, it is crazy! I looked at the pics and was thinking, oh my gosh, everything is white! Guess we won't be bringing crabs and lizards back to our room. lol. We are going to Key Largo for a day to go snorkeling. I just can't wait to leave this fricking place and be in the sunshine! My favorite place to be is the beach! Any beach, anywhere! Well, Enon beach not included- hahaha. And I am so happy we will all be together, all of us as a family again! Me, my baby, and my babies! Yeah!

Friday, March 25, 2011

I am still waiting on blogging lessons from Jessi. hahaha. I haven't seen much of her lately... she works at the school by day and Lowes (or Blowes as she calls it,lol) in the evening. She is so tired! Poor lil girl! Well, we all had to work hard in the beginning, so this is life! Not alot is new here. Jess, Levi, and I went to the circus, it was absolutely terrible. I will never go to another one! Those poor animals. Tigers pacing back & forth, over and over in tiny little cages. (I got a behing the scenes look outside.) A worker yelling at the elephant, "knock it off!" It was so sad. And they loaded those tigers in a semi, one on top of another like crates of cargo, in the dark. So I got home and googled them... apparently they can go up to 9 days in those cages without proper exercise. That just breaks my heart! And I paid money to enable this- ugh! Ok, I'll get off my soap box.


So, not alot is new here. My platelets (for clotting) have stayed too low for chemo. I also got 2 units of blood, my hgb was low and I had noooo energy. I just couldn't get up off the couch! I feel so much better now... ready to go dancing! well, maybe not dancing. hahaha. I was feeling really stressed about being 2 weeks behind with chemo, but it all happened for a reason. We are scratching the chemo with steroids and picking a whole different one! I cannot put into words how much distress I felt, insurance denied the other drug again. But I stuck to my guns and refused the chemo with steroids, saw the specialist for thymic cancer @IU, and now we are totally switching. Something in my gut said don't do it. I have ignored that little voice too many times over the past 4 years, but not this time. I really don't care if people think I'm a PIA anymore, I have to listen to my body and that 6th sense... this is my LIFE we are talking about! Ok, done with stupid cancer update.


Today Paul is off work, and I have a suprise overnight getaway planned. He doesn't know where we are going and I LOVE it! We are going to Cinci to spend time with Tim and Anne (his bestest friend). Nothing huge, but a nice little mini vacation. I'm so happy, I need outa here! I've decided I have way too much time on my hands to think, not good sometimes! So I am going to start, or should I say finish, some projects.


Have a great weekend, hug and kiss the ones you love... enjoy every minute you have been given! Peace out.