I don't even know where to start. I read all of the comments from my latest post and oh my! I couldn't stop crying. It felt so good to read and feel the love, overwhelmingly so! Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! Wow, those prayers really got me, because "I'll be praying for you" is a fairly standard comment that I hear all of the time- and to be honest, doesn't really help me feel better. Or didn't anyway. I have heard it so much that I just started to feel like it's a standard line people say to me, undertsandably because what else are you going to say to someone whose cancer just keeps getting worse. That is how I was feeling about that- until I logged on with the intention of blogging last night and was so moved and overwhelmed I couldn't even write. I just cried (off and on for the rest of the night) and thanked God in my prayer to be so loved and cared about. It was one of my best nightly prayers with Levi by the way! I hope he remembers it for a long time- how much we are loved, how blessed we are, how much his mommy felt loved that night. I needed so badly to hear everything you guys wrote- I cannot express to you how it lifted my spirit and gave me comfort! This chemo I am taking is harder than I anticipated. I lost 12 pounds in a week if that tells you anything. I mean, I am fine now... but the week following treatment was horrible. I "lost" 3 days I was so out of it, thank God. The ones I remember- I don't want to. The truth is that this is becoming harder. I wish so bad they could put me in a medically induced coma for a week so I wouldn't have to endure the living hell I went through. But I guess one of my favorite quotes is so true- "if there were no suffering, there would be no compassion." Not that I am suffering, I hate that word. I am not!!! Once the chemo wears off I am all good. But that week after is unimaginable. I have no doubt at all that the enemy tried really hard to get his digs in this last round. I don't really want to put it all out there, but I have to. What is the point of my blogging if I am not completely honest? In a perfect world I want to write positive, uplifting things but I guess I'm certainly not living in a perfect world right now, lol. And I certainly wasn't positive with this last chemo round. I really struggled with it. When I did wake up it kind of felt like I had died and gone straight to hell... and I didn't care. I didn't have one single ounce of a good thought or feeling. I just layed there in my bed staring at the wall, feeling like my body was literally rotting from the inside out. I didn't care about anyone or anything. In my mind (at the time) I just wanted to die. I felt like I physically couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this whole nightmare to be over. All I could think to myself was please God make this stop! Just let me go God!!! I don't want to be here anymore! I hate this place and my family would be so much better off with me gone. Please God, just free them! Free me. I am not strong and I cannot endure this anymore. I didn't feel God anywhere. I felt nothing, just darkness. I remember when I finally did start getting out of bed with Paul's help, I would just cry. I would look into his eyes and just cry. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and begged him to let me stop it all. Ok, here's the main part I DO NOT want to write or admit to... but the thought crossed my mind to just swallow every pain pill I have in my cupboard. (Now listen.. I am NOT suicidal! And I would NEVER EVER take my life! EVER in a million years!!! So settle down Jill! Don't get all psycho on me and think I need counseling or antidepressants, etc.) That is just how badly I was feeling that that thought did cross my mind! Because I have never understood people taking their own life. First of all it's a sin, second I trust God with all of my heart and His plan for me and us, third I adore my life! I just was that low, physically and then spiritually from this chemo. So anyway, when those thoughts entered my head- that's when I remembered to pray. That is when "I" came back and started to think rationally. One night when everyone else was sleeping I was walking to the bathroom but I didn't make it there, I just kinda collapsed on the kitchen floor, kneeling down to beg God for strength. Physically, but more importantly spiritually. I felt so incredibly weary. I was telling Him how weary I was, how I cannot take one more step in my life. And then, mid prayer it came to me... Isaiah 40:31. I think the word weary triggered it. You know, I bet it was God that triggered it! So I just stayed there for the longest time, repeating over and over that verse. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And I kept saying, "God, help me to walk, help me to run, help me not to be weary anymore, my hope is in you." The next day I started feeling better. And each day got a little better.
Whew, it's all out there. I am quite uncomfortable writing all of this and I don't particularly like reliving it again, but it is what it is... my truth. I guess I just want for you to know the depth of the pit I was in- so that you can know what your prayers mean to me. I am NOT alone. And people don't just say I'll be praying for you. I am being carried and that is the most beautiful gift I could ever recieve!!! Ya know, I completely believe in Footprints in the Sand, but I also know now that the love from many beautiful souls carry me too! You guys are wonderful and I am so grateful. I'm so lucky! Funny thing too, at church Sunday the verse on the bulletin was Isaiah 40:31! And my pastor quoted it during the sermon. That's no co-inky-dink!!!!
So Paul and I are going away this weekend to our annual get-away to a cabin at Brookville Lake. Friends and family will all be there and I can't wait! I am almost 100% and I am not having pain anymore. I haven't had any since 1st day of chemo... thank you God!!! Hopefully it will be as fun as last year. I'm sure it will be thanks to my new karaoke machine, the hot tub, and lots of alcohol. Well, I can't drink- but they all can! I can't wait to hike there too. Not sure how far I will get but I am a pretty determined girl. And I am going to go to the store and buy stuff to make myself a board while we are there to hang by my bed to prepare for next friday's chemo. I want to put those 2 prayers from my comments on there and other stuff that is really beautiful to me so I have something happy, comforting, and positive to focus on next time. I REFUSE to let the next round be a repeat! I am spiritually preparing this time for sure! I will be ready and satan will not enter my room this time! I have officially kicked his ass to the curb! See ya! Well, actually I won't see him again... because God is way bigger than him and I will be protected this time. I will have my "armor" on and ready for battle. Wow, I am so dramatic, lol.
I have got to get going, so much to do today before I babysit Wyatt here in a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you every single person who helps carry me when I am weak. Mostly, thank you for your prayers for my family! Because THAT is the part of this whole deal that burdens my soul. The hardest part of cancer- is knowing the path they endure with me, because of me.
Oh, and in case you might be wondering why in the world I would even subject myself to this kind of chemo when nothing seems to be working... well, I had been given 2 choices at my last appointment with Dr. M. The first choice was hospice, and to even hear those words come out of his mouth made my heart sink. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, my God I feel fine! Ya, I started having pain in my belly a couple weeks ago... but at that moment I was up to 123 pounds, (which is the most I have weighed in almost 2 years) I have energy and function totally normally, my liver and all of my other organs are functioning perfectly fine. WHAT? hospice? Are you kidding me? Noooo way! I am not ok with just giving up or into this @#%#@ cancer!!! So the bottom line is that desperate times call for desperate measures, lol. I'm so desperate at this point to shrink down this crap growing in my liver that I will do just about anything! I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I cannot accept dying, just can't. I always knew my stubborness and determiniation would serve me well one day, hahaha. Dr. M even said that to read my reports you would picture someone not in good shape (I think he meant like on their death bed) and that it's mind-boggling to look at me. I physically don't match what is going on in my body. All praise to God for that btw. So he said he was willing, despite what colleages might call him crazy for, to treat me with this particular chemo again. I am happy that he won't give up on me either!!! So, it is true- never say never! I never thought I would choose this again, but it's my best option, my only option to fight to live!
