So Friday after chemo... we went to Indian Lake to our Italian Villa and all was wonderful. I was feeling great! Friday night we had so much fun. We had good company, good campfire, good weather...what else could you ask for? Pics left to right.... Levi and his friend Tyler with a new friend, I forget her name..lol, chemo brain. Paul marking Levi's face, hahaha...he SO deserved it. Then me and Ricky, Lisa's nephew...he is soooo cute, love that kid! Me and Dave, Paul's brother. Next is Lisa, Pam, me, Steph, and Ali. (Ricky's momma and sisters) They are the sweetest family ever. Then me and my baby, Paulie. Saturday night...chemo kicked in. I took the bottom picture sometime after we went home. I am not exaggerating...it took me about 5 minutes to muster the strength to pick up my phone & take this pic. And the phone was lying on the couch next to my head. Chemo SUCKS!!!! I cannot describe in words how it feels, but I will try; you are feeling fine and at first it comes in waves. Out of the blue it hits you, your mind feels foggy, sometimes a headache too, dizziness, weakness- and by weakness, I mean you can't even walk without convincing yourself you can for about 10 minutes & having someone help hold you up, with the sensation of waves of poison circulating through your body. I can actually feel the poison rushing through my veins...not a pleasant feeling. I just have a sense of impending doom. All you can do is lie there, feeling like your body is dying...thats when my other personality, Sybil(my other personality), moves in. Suddenly it is all very real. I HAVE CANCER. I start having flashbacks of Terry, and feel overwhelmed with what my family is being subjected to all over again. I watch alot of those TV shows; forensic files, the first 48, etc. I imagine chemo feels somewhat like arsenic poisoning. At this point I lose it, emotionally. All I can do is lie there and cry. The only thing I have control over is my eyes, the rest of my body feels heavy and paralyzed. My body isn't mine anymore, it feels unattached and like it is rotting. BUT...the good news... this time I met a really sweet woman, Denise, up at the lake. She taught me all about meditation, visualization techniques, and how- when you smile or laugh...even if it is fake, your brain releases chemicals that lift your mood. So Paul was amazing, he did visualization with me. He stayed right beside me, holding me. He calmed me down by having me close my eyes and he "took" me back to Galveston, walking out on the rocks and sitting there at night with the ocean rolling in at our feet. He described it so vividly and somehow I was able to get out of my body & the moment to be peaceful enough to fall asleep. I thank God for him! He is the my rock. These waves of what I have termed "icky" come and go for a day or two. Then icky comes to stay.

It is so hard... because I feel totally normal beforehand and think I am ready for the next round, actually kinda excited to kill this crap. But you forget just how horrible it is until you re-live it again. And when you do, NOTHING can prepare you. Although there is always a silver lining! This time there were a few; I learned techniques to help me cope, and am lucky enough to have my beautiful Paulie there to carry me. And then when Sybil took over and was pathetically hopeless, wanting to give up... my friend Sarah was right there kicking her out. She wrote me a beautiful letter I can refer to every time I am filled with despair. It reminds me of all the reasons I was put on this earth, including the life I have ahead of me. It is filled with hope, but in a factual way to remind me that faith, hope, trust, and God are way more powerful that chemo or cancer. At the end of the letter she wrote a cancer chant and included a sign for Sybil to put on my fridge. Made me laugh and cry (happy tears).

CANCER CHANT:

Cancer, I did not give you the right,

to invade my body and take a bite.

This is my body and with all my might,

I WILL prevail with one hell of a fight!

To the cancer inside, I will battle & kill.

For that is my body's God given will.

To my cancer, these words I do send...

Your life is short and near the end!!!

SYBIL FRIDGE SIGN:

Go away Sybil...

Because the will of God will NEVER take me

where the grace of God will not protect me!

God our Father, walk through my house today

take away all my worries and illness,

in Jesus' name.... Amen

Thank you Sarah!

The other blessing in all of this... my sissy, Jill. She took me tues to get a CT scan and get marked for radiation. She pushed me in a wheelchair, albeit against my will, lol, and sat with me as I pathetically laid on the waiting room floor, I tried to sit in the chair as long as I could. Our two little boys were there waiting patiently, being so well behaved! We were there forEVER, 2 hours, I think. Anyway, she is my little angel! I love you Jill & could NOT do this without you!

To Ali... I am so sorry you had to see me like that. I HATE it that you did. But thank you for helping me get into the bed. And thank you for coming up...I love hanging with you & very much enjoyed talking with you before things went south. You are such a beautiful girl, inside and out!!! Just remember...that is NOT me, that was chemo.

To Levi and Andrew, I wish that all of this would never be a part of your childhood memories. That is what makes me the saddest. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I just pray for the ability to tackle it head on with my head held high, so you remember that. I will not let this steal my love for my life, or my joy!!!

OK, so this is a ridiculously long post, totally self-absorbed, and full of chemo/cancer junk. I dont know why, maybe it is therapeutic to me, but I wanted to get it all out there. But now I am done. I feel awesome again, grabbing life by the balls and seizing the day! Today is Levi's last day of summer, school starts tomorrow morning. So we are going to go fishing for the day! Hope we catch a bass!!! That is the goal. And it is perfect outside, just perfect. Not too hot, not too cool. YAY! Watch out little fishies...here we come!