Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.