Can't sleep. I just realized I had an old post on here that I never published, so I just re-read it and put it up. (see below) It was really good to read that to remind me of some good things. Because I am having a hard time tonight with anxiety, I guess. I have been feeling fabulous for the past month- so much so, that I kind of forgot all about my cancer... and let me tell you, I have been very happy! It has been absolutely freeing to not ever think about it! But today I've been really bothered because I can feel something under my right ribs. Gosh I hate it! I am just fine, but when I can "feel" it... well, it makes it pretty hard not to think about. I tried my hardest today to push bad thoughts away, relax, trust God. And I did pretty good too! I worked on a Christmas gift I am making, played with & babysat Wyatt, finished decorating my tree, and made dinner. But... every time I leaned forward for too long, or turned just the right way I was constantly reminded of this pain in my side. Or should I say PIA? lol. I told myself all day it's just because I've been eating too much. (when I have a really full belly sometimes I feel this) But I don't know, this time it feels like it goes up higher under my ribs. It doesn't really hurt, just bothersome and uncomfortable. So, here I sit at 2am. I tried to go to bed, but whatever position I am in it's really bugging me. And at night- when day is done, all is so very quiet, and all of the noise of the day has faded away... my mind starts racing. I start thinking all of the what ifs. And even though I was yawning and could barely keep my eyes open on the couch... somehow lying in my quiet, dark room it is like I just drank an entire pot of coffee! Eyes wide open. I hate this place! I haven't been here for a long time and I don't like it at all! Ok, so I need to refocus here. (It's just so hard when I feel like there's a baby inside on the right when I KNOW there is no baby lol) Ok, janet, come on... focus! God is my past, present, and future. Every moment I am given is a beautiful thing, a precious gift. Christmas is coming and life is good. smile. WAIT, what if I don't wake up! I have to make it till Levi is 14!!! Well, how bout till I am 40?!? That's only 9 more months. That's not too much to ask is it? (Panicky feeling starts) Oh God, I can't die! I don't want to die! I love this precious, sacred, beautiful life you gave me.... please. PLEASE! PLEASE GOD! (now I start obsessive thoughts) I know that you created this body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit, and You made it miraculously, with the ability to repair and heal itself. Help me (along with my new anti-cancer diet) to gain wisdom and strength to be able to be cured. I know Your will is for me to prosper, to have good things in my life, to live. Not to be fearful and afraid. So please God, take this fear away, because I am scared shitless right now. Ok, this is RIDICULOUS! Where is my faith? WHY am I letting this horrible panic and fear come over me? I'll tell you why... because I CAN FEEL THIS FRICKING CANCER BALL inside me!!! And it's late and quiet. Ok, janet... just stop! Where's my bible? I thought journaling would help, but I think I need to refer to the good book at this point. Normally I don't think I would post this, but what the heck~ it is what it is and I'll be ok tomorrow! (If I can just get to sleep tonight)