I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.


Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!