I don't even know where to start! I went to my appt on Wednesday to get my pet scan results. It had been a really terrible week 3 days in, and I had spent 2 hours before my appt feeling like I could throw up, trying to psych myself up for hearing how much worse my cancer was. I decided I was going to tell my Dr to only say better, same, or worse... well- mildly, moderately, or severely worse, but NO details! Jenni is here to visit and I didn't want to go down that mental road again. So I just kept telling myself, you know it's worse (it always is) so just pretend you didn't hear that and go on how you feel! I was finally peaceful in my heart when I got to the office. So when the medical assistant came in I said to her, "Now listen, this has been a horrible week. So you go out there and tell Dr. M there's nooooo Eeyore today! He has to come in here smiling and tell him to just lie to me and tell me I'm either cured or better. I'm serious, just lie to me." She chuckled and said she would. Soooo, door opens, Dr. M has a huge, cheesy smile and shakes my hand. I said, "That's really good!" (You have to understand he NEVER looks like that- he always has a concerning, sad look and I am just impressed he is going along with my shenanigans.) So, he sits down and says something to the effect of it (the cancer) is all better, still smiling... big. I am perplexed because I know he would never, even jokingly, take it this far. I am realizing that I think he's serious! I just say, "SHUT UP!" All I can do is awkwardly stare at him... am I being punked?After a few seconds, "Are you serious?" I just could not absorb in my brain what he was saying. Now, you would think I would jump up and down with joy... but all I could manage to do was smile, only half believing his words. I was utterly dumbfounded!!! I just could not comprehend that my cancer was "better". I mean I thought the very best case scenario would be that it could be stable disease, which means no progression. He went on to say that a few of the tumors were actually gone, and all the rest were smaller and the uptake- which is how much they "light up"/how active they are- was about cut in half. He seemed pretty amazed by all of this. As did I! I still wasn't quite really believing this though. He said ALL of them were smaller and less active, wow. So we discussed that we need to for sure continue with this treatment. Problem; I can only have 2 more doses of Adriamycin and I will be at the lifetime maximum dose you can have without causing heart failure. But he mentioned some drug they have given to children with the Adriamycin that prevents the heart damage, although he has never given it... and I'm not a child. Hmmmm, I asked him what are the risks/odds here, because I didn't fight this hard and come all this way to die of a big fat coronary!!! hahaha. So, he is going to do some research while I finish up 2 more rounds and we will go from there. Sounds good to me! If there is 1 thing I have learned in all of this it is to not think about the past or too far into the future either. So Paul and I went home and for about 24 hours I was saying the words about my good news, but it was very surreal. Just like when they told me I had this cancer...I just could not accept or believe that it was better! Denial, I guess. Then yesterday I was driving home from taking Tyler to pick up his "new" car in Beavercreek and it hit me. It really hit me.... all of these tumors have shrunk! All of these tumors are not wildly growing out of control! This chemo is WORKING! What??? This horrible chemo is worth it! IT IS ACTUALLY WORTH IT!!! I didn't make a mistake in my decision to try 1 last time!!! There was always hope! HOPE IS REAL.... always, no matter how bad things are! My God in heaven, hospice was mentioned in January... and here I was wondering if I would live to see Levi turn 14 in July, praying that when "it" starts to happen that I will go quickly for my family's sake, blah, blah, blah... BUT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A PRECIOUS MIRACLE!!!! I have been given 2 gifts actually, the gift of time and the gift of freedom. I felt so free, like chains had been cut from my arms and legs. I felt like I had been at war (like Braveheart) for 2 years... never winning and having to armor up and keep fighting, fighting, fighting a losing battle... but this time I won! I just broke down in the car, sobbing so hard I could barely drive. Snot was flying, my shoulders were shaking uncontrollably, it just all came out. All of the everything I've been carrying for almost 2 years was just being lifted from me. It was a sweet release of fear, pain, sorrow, and angst mixed with an OVERWHELMING joy! I just kept looking up to the sky crying happy tears, smiling, and praising God for this miracle. I kept telling Him I knew that this was only possible from Him. I kept thanking him that I have been given the gift of another season with my babies and my husband without feeling the white elephant in the room! That we can just be, just enjoy every day with no worries. TRULY no worries. There's no dark cloud lurking overhead. We don't have to pretend that things aren't getting worse. My baby boy will have more time with me, be a little older and be able to remember me better! Wyatt will be able to figure out what he is going to call me, I can have quality time with Tyler before he returns to Ashland in the fall, watch Jess and Zack set up house and begin their new family. We can have so much FUN this summer... go to a water park, go zip-lining, go fishing, go boating, horseback riding, maybe go up to Lake Erie for a day to fish...my mind was racing with all of the things I want to do. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO VERY THANKFUL! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! Wow, I am just so happy! It is going to be a great summer! It is worth the bad days on this chemo! It is worth it!!! wow, wow, wow. I'm still a little speechless. I want to thank every single person for every single prayer... they've been answered! And I am still just so amazed and thankful and overjoyed!!! Now hopefully I won't be so narcissistic! Hahaha, yeah! I'm done being so stinking self-absorbed. My life can finally be about everyone else and I love it!!! By the way, when I got home Zack told me I needed to call Tyler because his new car wouldn't start and he was stuck in Beavercreek. I just laughed... ok, back to the usual! hahahaha. It just needed a new battery, thank God... again!