Well, I just read what i wrote this morning... and I am sorry for cursing like that. So, that was Sybil (my alternate personality)... I am back now. lol. I feel so much better. Jill and I took the boys to the pool and it was a beautiful, sunny day, for which I am so thankful. Summer and the sun make it really hard not to have a good day. I got all of that out this am, then I was like... ok janet, don't waste a day... on with it. I have to not think about the future. It's funny, I have such an easy time leaving the past in the past. But it's much harder to only live in the present. But today I feel great, like I said- it doesn't even feel like I have cancer, so I'm gonna roll with that... just kinda pretend I don't. I am going to try my best to absolutely enjoy every moment I am given. And that won't be difficult at all! Levi is out of school for the summer, yay yay yay! And little Wyatt will be here in a couple of weeks! LIFE IS GOOOOD! And ya know... there are so many ways this could be worse... my kids, husband, family, and friends are healthy! I would rather it be me ANY day rather than them. What about people who can't have children, or lose their children, or many other worse scenarios out there that other people are living and suffering. And like I said, I feel totally normal, so that is truly amazing and awesome. Update; I am not going to take this lying down... so I go to IU in Indianapolis tomorrow to see the thymic cancer guru in the nation- we'll see what he has to say/offer, and then Monday we are traveling to Pittsburg to a liver cancer center. They got me in so fast- thank God. I will not give up hope... I REFUSE!!!! And I will not become some pathetic, depressed Debbie Downer chic either! Chin up high... let's roll! Cause I don't have time for this crap, need to get it fixed! There's always a first to be cured from something, right? I pray it's me! And until I'm dead... I believe it can happen! I will continue to hope beyond hope and trust God with ALL of my heart. I will not lean unto my own understanding (prov 3:5) but live on blind faith in His plan for me and all of us.

Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.

Wow! What a great weekend! My little girl got MARRIED!!! It was soooo beautiful, outside at Clifton Mill, with the sun shining. It was just very intimate and romantic and heartfelt. She was absolutely radiant, beaming with love and joy. Hearing them say their vows took my breath away. It's the best wedding I have ever been to... and I am not saying that because it's my daughter! It was PERFECT! And I am so thankful for the man who is now my son, what a blessing to our family! It was such a happy day, and I only cried once during prayer- so noone saw me, lol. I got all the crying out the day before when I picked up her bouquet and cake. I could not stop the tears... it felt like when they got on the big yellow bus for the first time. I used to say "bittersweet", but it was alllll sweet! They were very, very happy tears and I'm just thankful I was there! I am so very excited for her, for the beginning of her adult life. Zack will take such good care of her& I know they are going to be really happy together. And.... I CANNOT wait much longer for little Wyatt! Come on baby and get here... granny needs to kiss you all over! The anticipation is killing me!!! Ok, maybe granny doesn't work, hahaha. I don't like "grandma", but I don't know what else to call myself. Oh well, I'll just let him pick a name for me :)

That's all I've got for today, it is TOO hot to be sitting here without the a/c on yet. I'll upload some pics later. Hurry up & get home from work Paulie and put those window units in!!! jeesh. ( I guess I am the one who wanted country living, haha.)

So, here I sit. At Miami Valley hospital, again. Blah~!!! I am getting another blood transfusion. Guess I've gotta look at it like I'm gearing up for my vacation! Ya know, instead of hitting the tanning booth... I'll hit up some RBCs for oxygen & energy. lol. O well, could always be worse! That's for sure.

So chemo sucked this week. Had a horrible reaction this time: cumulative effect. Sybil (my alternate personality) came back unexpectedly. I really don't like her!!! She's so wimpy and just cries. She wanted to quit chemo altogether. So I told her to get out and don't come back! hahaha. Paul's out of town on business, and as Jill and I were leaving the house for tx yesterday, Levi tripped and busted his lip at school & needed stitches. Just perfect. Thank God for good friends, Mindy took care of Levi for me, then Dr M. gave me some drugs and i am feeling better. Enough on that. Just thinking that if you are having a bad day, at least you're not me! lol.

OK, can't keep my eyes open. gtg. Be sure to check out Ritz Carlton in Ft Lauderdale... CANT BELIEVE WE ARE GOING!!! ohhh, the beach, the waves, snorkeling in Key Largo, ahhhhhh! Oh, I am going to sleep happy now. Just a few more days :)

Lots to write about! First, the excitement and anticipation of this Friday is consuming me! The royal wedding is only 4 days away!!! I am excited because Jill and I are going dress shopping as soon as we get done (at chemo-blah!) She thinks I am a total wierdo because if she wants to come over I am insisting we dress up as if we are in attendance. HOW FUN!!!! The suspense is killing me... what will Kate be wearing? What will her bouquet look like? Will the carriage be open or covered? I hope it doesn't rain! An open carriage ride after the ceremony would be awesome!

Uhhhm, just thought about the time difference! OK, change of plans- dangit! Oh well, Jill will be happy we are wearing pajamas. lol. That sucks! I was really excited to get all dressed up and "go" to the wedding.

OK, so secondly... I got picked from the Jack & Jill foundation (they grant vacations for stage 4 cancer people) for a family trip! All expenses paid! So in less than 2 weeks we are heading to the Ritz Carlton in Fort Lauderdale WOOP! WOOP! google it if you have time, it is crazy! I looked at the pics and was thinking, oh my gosh, everything is white! Guess we won't be bringing crabs and lizards back to our room. lol. We are going to Key Largo for a day to go snorkeling. I just can't wait to leave this fricking place and be in the sunshine! My favorite place to be is the beach! Any beach, anywhere! Well, Enon beach not included- hahaha. And I am so happy we will all be together, all of us as a family again! Me, my baby, and my babies! Yeah!

I am still waiting on blogging lessons from Jessi. hahaha. I haven't seen much of her lately... she works at the school by day and Lowes (or Blowes as she calls it,lol) in the evening. She is so tired! Poor lil girl! Well, we all had to work hard in the beginning, so this is life! Not alot is new here. Jess, Levi, and I went to the circus, it was absolutely terrible. I will never go to another one! Those poor animals. Tigers pacing back & forth, over and over in tiny little cages. (I got a behing the scenes look outside.) A worker yelling at the elephant, "knock it off!" It was so sad. And they loaded those tigers in a semi, one on top of another like crates of cargo, in the dark. So I got home and googled them... apparently they can go up to 9 days in those cages without proper exercise. That just breaks my heart! And I paid money to enable this- ugh! Ok, I'll get off my soap box.


So, not alot is new here. My platelets (for clotting) have stayed too low for chemo. I also got 2 units of blood, my hgb was low and I had noooo energy. I just couldn't get up off the couch! I feel so much better now... ready to go dancing! well, maybe not dancing. hahaha. I was feeling really stressed about being 2 weeks behind with chemo, but it all happened for a reason. We are scratching the chemo with steroids and picking a whole different one! I cannot put into words how much distress I felt, insurance denied the other drug again. But I stuck to my guns and refused the chemo with steroids, saw the specialist for thymic cancer @IU, and now we are totally switching. Something in my gut said don't do it. I have ignored that little voice too many times over the past 4 years, but not this time. I really don't care if people think I'm a PIA anymore, I have to listen to my body and that 6th sense... this is my LIFE we are talking about! Ok, done with stupid cancer update.


Today Paul is off work, and I have a suprise overnight getaway planned. He doesn't know where we are going and I LOVE it! We are going to Cinci to spend time with Tim and Anne (his bestest friend). Nothing huge, but a nice little mini vacation. I'm so happy, I need outa here! I've decided I have way too much time on my hands to think, not good sometimes! So I am going to start, or should I say finish, some projects.


Have a great weekend, hug and kiss the ones you love... enjoy every minute you have been given! Peace out.

Me, Shanda, Emily, & Allison. (My OB girls I used to work with.Oh, the fun we used to have on night shift!) I love you guys!!!!



Jessi popping out!

Above;our anniversary night out at La Piazza

Above right; Zack, me, & Tyler when we met Laura for lunch.

Ok, so I hate computers! ugh!!! It took me 3 days to get these pictures on here, and I have accidentally deleted several...multiple times. Then last night I saw Jess on her baby blog, editing away! She was able to move stuff all around & add captions to her pictures! I am going to have to get lessons from her, because my template is horrible!!! So, there's a picture of Levi and me missing, as well as Laura and me. And I am done trying! lol.

Paul and I had an awesome anniversary! I had to do it big this year (because I'm tired of hearing about how I forgot our 1st anniversary, lol). So, I arranged for a massage at our house for him one night, the next we went out to our favorite restaurant. I also arranged for 3 future dates; next Thurs we are supposed to go to Wildwood Inn Suites in Florence KY, and fri night is a surprise 2nd over-nighter. Then I got gift certificates for Ye Old Tavern in Yellow Springs- so we can spend a day hiking at Clifton Gorge & then go to the tavern to eat. Ummm, I can't remember the 3rd date right now, but I will! Lol, typical me... I also have CRS! Can't remember shit! haha. Oh, and I bought Paul a new leather recliner for his man-room and made him a photo album via shutterfly with every picture ever taken of the 2 of us, it tells our love story.I loooove it, it is beautiful!(All thanks to Tommy's Sarah for helping me!!! I owe you BIG) I did good, heeheehee.

Cancer update; the chemo I got has made my histo levels rise again (because of the steroids). And I couldn't get chemo this week because my platelets are too low. So, my doctor wanted to switch me to a different drug (the same one, but it's made differently so there's no need for steroids) but insurance denied it initially, and it takes 30 days to appeal them. And then if they deny it again we can request the drug company to donate it, which basically gives them a free clinical trial, but again, we are talking another 30 days. So the whole situation just sucks because I have to just continue with the chemo w/steroids and if I get sick with full blown histo, chemo is out all together, to treat the histo again. And we all know that no chemo= cancer growing like crazy. Not good! So I have been very sad and overwhelmed, knowing there's a drug out there that works, that I need, and I can't get it right now. I have been sooooo frustrated... because this is potentially my life we are talking about. And it is a bunch of crap that they won't pay for it now, and that could kill me. So yesterday I called and said I will just put it on my credit card & pay for the drug myself, $5,500. And then the most wonderful thing happened! A nurse there (my angel!) took it into her hands, contacted insurance and did not take no for an answer, demanding an expedited review/request. She worked so hard on this, talking on the phone, filling out & faxing needed paperwork, etc. She declared it a medical emergency and insurance is now going to have an answer within 72 hrs.! And if they say no, she is going to do the same thing with the drug co.When I found this out I just started sobbing-very happy tears of joy and relief. I feel like for the past 4 years I have endured a ridiculous string of bad luck & complications. It was very, very overwhelming to feel like there was nothing I could do to get the treatment I need, and to know that this one situation could possibly change everything in a bad way- quite possibly be the catalyst to the beginning of the end. FINALLY... something good was happening! I felt like a mountain was literally, instantly lifted off of my shoulders! Thank you God!!!! Thank you God!!! So this morning I am one extremely happy girl! Lesson learned (again, lol)... "trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart" prov 3:5. I have to remember I am not alone in this, even when it feels like it... I know He is here, totally in control of every single thing :)

And then yesterday had a perfect ending to the day... I got to see my sweet, beautiful, little baby Wyatt on ultrasound! Oh my gosh, he is PRECIOUS!!! He is almost 2 pounds, and has the fattest cheeks, little puggy button nose, and big lips! I can't wait to kiss them!!!!! I cannot wait for that little guy to get here. He is so funny, every U/S he has his little legs crossed at the ankles and always has his arms over his head. It looks like he is just lying there chillin out. hahaha. But he isn't... he does flips all the time.We need a little ray of sunshine so bad! Levi is going to be the bestest little uncle! And Ty too, who is going to be home from college for the summer-YAY! I have a feeling he is going to be the light of our lives :) June can't get here fast enough! lol.