So, here I sit. At Miami Valley hospital, again. Blah~!!! I am getting another blood transfusion. Guess I've gotta look at it like I'm gearing up for my vacation! Ya know, instead of hitting the tanning booth... I'll hit up some RBCs for oxygen & energy. lol. O well, could always be worse! That's for sure.

So chemo sucked this week. Had a horrible reaction this time: cumulative effect. Sybil (my alternate personality) came back unexpectedly. I really don't like her!!! She's so wimpy and just cries. She wanted to quit chemo altogether. So I told her to get out and don't come back! hahaha. Paul's out of town on business, and as Jill and I were leaving the house for tx yesterday, Levi tripped and busted his lip at school & needed stitches. Just perfect. Thank God for good friends, Mindy took care of Levi for me, then Dr M. gave me some drugs and i am feeling better. Enough on that. Just thinking that if you are having a bad day, at least you're not me! lol.

OK, can't keep my eyes open. gtg. Be sure to check out Ritz Carlton in Ft Lauderdale... CANT BELIEVE WE ARE GOING!!! ohhh, the beach, the waves, snorkeling in Key Largo, ahhhhhh! Oh, I am going to sleep happy now. Just a few more days :)

Lots to write about! First, the excitement and anticipation of this Friday is consuming me! The royal wedding is only 4 days away!!! I am excited because Jill and I are going dress shopping as soon as we get done (at chemo-blah!) She thinks I am a total wierdo because if she wants to come over I am insisting we dress up as if we are in attendance. HOW FUN!!!! The suspense is killing me... what will Kate be wearing? What will her bouquet look like? Will the carriage be open or covered? I hope it doesn't rain! An open carriage ride after the ceremony would be awesome!

Uhhhm, just thought about the time difference! OK, change of plans- dangit! Oh well, Jill will be happy we are wearing pajamas. lol. That sucks! I was really excited to get all dressed up and "go" to the wedding.

OK, so secondly... I got picked from the Jack & Jill foundation (they grant vacations for stage 4 cancer people) for a family trip! All expenses paid! So in less than 2 weeks we are heading to the Ritz Carlton in Fort Lauderdale WOOP! WOOP! google it if you have time, it is crazy! I looked at the pics and was thinking, oh my gosh, everything is white! Guess we won't be bringing crabs and lizards back to our room. lol. We are going to Key Largo for a day to go snorkeling. I just can't wait to leave this fricking place and be in the sunshine! My favorite place to be is the beach! Any beach, anywhere! Well, Enon beach not included- hahaha. And I am so happy we will all be together, all of us as a family again! Me, my baby, and my babies! Yeah!

I am still waiting on blogging lessons from Jessi. hahaha. I haven't seen much of her lately... she works at the school by day and Lowes (or Blowes as she calls it,lol) in the evening. She is so tired! Poor lil girl! Well, we all had to work hard in the beginning, so this is life! Not alot is new here. Jess, Levi, and I went to the circus, it was absolutely terrible. I will never go to another one! Those poor animals. Tigers pacing back & forth, over and over in tiny little cages. (I got a behing the scenes look outside.) A worker yelling at the elephant, "knock it off!" It was so sad. And they loaded those tigers in a semi, one on top of another like crates of cargo, in the dark. So I got home and googled them... apparently they can go up to 9 days in those cages without proper exercise. That just breaks my heart! And I paid money to enable this- ugh! Ok, I'll get off my soap box.


So, not alot is new here. My platelets (for clotting) have stayed too low for chemo. I also got 2 units of blood, my hgb was low and I had noooo energy. I just couldn't get up off the couch! I feel so much better now... ready to go dancing! well, maybe not dancing. hahaha. I was feeling really stressed about being 2 weeks behind with chemo, but it all happened for a reason. We are scratching the chemo with steroids and picking a whole different one! I cannot put into words how much distress I felt, insurance denied the other drug again. But I stuck to my guns and refused the chemo with steroids, saw the specialist for thymic cancer @IU, and now we are totally switching. Something in my gut said don't do it. I have ignored that little voice too many times over the past 4 years, but not this time. I really don't care if people think I'm a PIA anymore, I have to listen to my body and that 6th sense... this is my LIFE we are talking about! Ok, done with stupid cancer update.


Today Paul is off work, and I have a suprise overnight getaway planned. He doesn't know where we are going and I LOVE it! We are going to Cinci to spend time with Tim and Anne (his bestest friend). Nothing huge, but a nice little mini vacation. I'm so happy, I need outa here! I've decided I have way too much time on my hands to think, not good sometimes! So I am going to start, or should I say finish, some projects.


Have a great weekend, hug and kiss the ones you love... enjoy every minute you have been given! Peace out.

Me, Shanda, Emily, & Allison. (My OB girls I used to work with.Oh, the fun we used to have on night shift!) I love you guys!!!!



Jessi popping out!

Above;our anniversary night out at La Piazza

Above right; Zack, me, & Tyler when we met Laura for lunch.

Ok, so I hate computers! ugh!!! It took me 3 days to get these pictures on here, and I have accidentally deleted several...multiple times. Then last night I saw Jess on her baby blog, editing away! She was able to move stuff all around & add captions to her pictures! I am going to have to get lessons from her, because my template is horrible!!! So, there's a picture of Levi and me missing, as well as Laura and me. And I am done trying! lol.

Paul and I had an awesome anniversary! I had to do it big this year (because I'm tired of hearing about how I forgot our 1st anniversary, lol). So, I arranged for a massage at our house for him one night, the next we went out to our favorite restaurant. I also arranged for 3 future dates; next Thurs we are supposed to go to Wildwood Inn Suites in Florence KY, and fri night is a surprise 2nd over-nighter. Then I got gift certificates for Ye Old Tavern in Yellow Springs- so we can spend a day hiking at Clifton Gorge & then go to the tavern to eat. Ummm, I can't remember the 3rd date right now, but I will! Lol, typical me... I also have CRS! Can't remember shit! haha. Oh, and I bought Paul a new leather recliner for his man-room and made him a photo album via shutterfly with every picture ever taken of the 2 of us, it tells our love story.I loooove it, it is beautiful!(All thanks to Tommy's Sarah for helping me!!! I owe you BIG) I did good, heeheehee.

Cancer update; the chemo I got has made my histo levels rise again (because of the steroids). And I couldn't get chemo this week because my platelets are too low. So, my doctor wanted to switch me to a different drug (the same one, but it's made differently so there's no need for steroids) but insurance denied it initially, and it takes 30 days to appeal them. And then if they deny it again we can request the drug company to donate it, which basically gives them a free clinical trial, but again, we are talking another 30 days. So the whole situation just sucks because I have to just continue with the chemo w/steroids and if I get sick with full blown histo, chemo is out all together, to treat the histo again. And we all know that no chemo= cancer growing like crazy. Not good! So I have been very sad and overwhelmed, knowing there's a drug out there that works, that I need, and I can't get it right now. I have been sooooo frustrated... because this is potentially my life we are talking about. And it is a bunch of crap that they won't pay for it now, and that could kill me. So yesterday I called and said I will just put it on my credit card & pay for the drug myself, $5,500. And then the most wonderful thing happened! A nurse there (my angel!) took it into her hands, contacted insurance and did not take no for an answer, demanding an expedited review/request. She worked so hard on this, talking on the phone, filling out & faxing needed paperwork, etc. She declared it a medical emergency and insurance is now going to have an answer within 72 hrs.! And if they say no, she is going to do the same thing with the drug co.When I found this out I just started sobbing-very happy tears of joy and relief. I feel like for the past 4 years I have endured a ridiculous string of bad luck & complications. It was very, very overwhelming to feel like there was nothing I could do to get the treatment I need, and to know that this one situation could possibly change everything in a bad way- quite possibly be the catalyst to the beginning of the end. FINALLY... something good was happening! I felt like a mountain was literally, instantly lifted off of my shoulders! Thank you God!!!! Thank you God!!! So this morning I am one extremely happy girl! Lesson learned (again, lol)... "trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart" prov 3:5. I have to remember I am not alone in this, even when it feels like it... I know He is here, totally in control of every single thing :)

And then yesterday had a perfect ending to the day... I got to see my sweet, beautiful, little baby Wyatt on ultrasound! Oh my gosh, he is PRECIOUS!!! He is almost 2 pounds, and has the fattest cheeks, little puggy button nose, and big lips! I can't wait to kiss them!!!!! I cannot wait for that little guy to get here. He is so funny, every U/S he has his little legs crossed at the ankles and always has his arms over his head. It looks like he is just lying there chillin out. hahaha. But he isn't... he does flips all the time.We need a little ray of sunshine so bad! Levi is going to be the bestest little uncle! And Ty too, who is going to be home from college for the summer-YAY! I have a feeling he is going to be the light of our lives :) June can't get here fast enough! lol.

I Remember you Today

One year ago today
we had to let you go...
say goodbye, tears in our eyes...
life without you we didn't want to know.

But I remember you today
with a joyful song inside my heart,
for I know it's only a little while
that we will be apart.

My beautiful sister, Terry,
I know you didn't die...
you've just moved on without us
and are waiting in the sky.

You've come to me in dreams,
and allowed for me to see
that where we go is amazing,
abounding with love and peace.

All the things about you
that we love and miss so much...
your big, brown eyes and laughter,
your ever gentle touch...

All these things live on
so deep inside my soul,
I take your spirit with me
everywhere I go.

So I remember you today-
as you live on as part of me.
I miss your hands, your touch,
miss you so much...
but I'm happy that you're free.

I will look for you in the stars,
in rainbows and butterflies,
at the edge of rolling waters,
in God's beauty in my life.

I will look for you in an embrace,
or when someone holds my hand,
in a gentle kiss upon my cheek,
in the laughter of my man.

Stronger than the pain
of having to set you free-
is the love you showed,
the way you glowed,
life's lessons you have taught me!

And soon enough, sweet soul-
I will hold you once again...
so dance and run and sing and play
until we meet in the promised land.

So I remember you today,
as every day I will...
with utter joy and thankfulness
for the life in us you filled!

I love and miss you Terry!!!

It is beeeeautiful outside!!! That's all I've got today. Thank you God for warm weather!!! Makes me so happy :) I love my life!

and a happy new year!

Jessi with Little baby Wyatt!!! Ty and me @ Findlay meet, I miss my baby boy so so much!

Laura came b4 chemo!!!! Thank God!

After a few margarita's we had a "janet joplin" concert, it was awesome! just us & bobbie magee! hahaha

Anne rocked her banana mike! lol





I played a mean broom!

Good food,
Good friends,
Good times,
A hot tub, good drinks,

Love, laughter, sledding, and Taboo... what more can u ask for? Me, Paulie, Anne, & Tim!

YOU HAVE TO visit Metamora, Indiana come May! It is the coolest canal town fron the 1800's with over 50 shops, train ride, horseback riding, canoeing, kayaking nearby.Canal boat still pulled by horses. Soooo very cool! Can't wait to go back when it's open! lol. And Brookville Lake is like 3 miles away!!

After I got rid of the 'ol eye herps....
Back in the chair again...shoot me up baby! Let's roll! (btw, i love love love 50 mg IV benadryl with chemo! hahaha)

Hi everyone! Well, treatment #1 down, yay! And, finally, I think I have caught a break. This one is nothing (so far) compared to last summer. A walk in the park! I was a little nauseated yesterday during infusion, but not anymore. The roids have kicked in and I am eating like crazy! Last night I ate a huge bowl of icecream with waffles and tortillas/queso dip. Then had turkey, cheese, an orange, almonds, & a banana for a snack, lol. This is a really good thing, I can't seem to get above 112 lbs. Maybe Paul will be able to call me his Plumpkin again, jk, I hated that nickname! And I really hope I don't get fat cheeks back again! The only problem I am having is the sharts. So all you OB girls- and many others- are , I know, thanking God for that. Can't toot anymore. lol. I'm sure once the steroids wear off I will nap alot, but I just feel so much better this time.Just feels like a have a touch of the flu. And mentally I am better prepared. The first time was so horrible and after watching Terry die, it was the biggest mind f#*@ ever! So now I am mentally in a much better place. Now I know chemo is just physical, just medicine thats making me feel bad, its not me dying. So, fuck you cancer!!! Get outa here!!!! Sorry I'm dropping the f- bomb, but really, I think I've earned the right when its used in the same sentence with cancer! So, how bout... I fucking hate you cancer! Get the fuck outa my body and our lives!!!! Wow, that feels good, no great! hahahaha.

I want to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE of you for your prayers, messages on my posts-help soooo much, visits, acts of love. I seriously feel overwhelming love, and it is an amazing feeling. This whole thing sucks so bad, but if I didn't have cancer I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really know I am so, so loved. Makes my heart sing with happiness :) My bff Laura came in town this weekend, so happy! Levi and her son, Connor, set traps and caught their first racoon! Connor is a city boy, so I think he thought that was pretty cool. Levi was mad I wouldn't let him kill it for it's fur to make money. lol. And Connor said we are hillbillies. (but he wanted a picture carrying the BB gun!) I told him we are country folk! hahaha. Laura and I were preggers together with those two... funny how 2 kids can be so different! Connor is younger, but huge! He looks like Levi's dad. But Levi is the one with no fear, makes me laugh to watch them. Oh, and I want to especially thank Connor for my beautiful oragamy(?) flower, blue is my favorite color and I love it! It is on my kitchen window sill so I see it every time I am at the sink, makes me smile ear to ear, sweet boy! Also, Andrew, I have Laura Ingalls Wilder right on my fridge! LOVE HER! And finally, Sara- you wrote me the most profound, beautiful letter. I treasure it so deep in my heart. Makes me feel like I can keep going, keep fighting, keep winning! I am glad my battles inspire you in some way. That makes it worth it baby girl! It is on my fridge too, so when I dont feel so strong I just read your words and remember how far I've come.

Love to you all!