So this weekend Paulie and I went away to Lake Cumberland for some much, much needed R&R. It was soo good to be there with our family and friends and just forget all of our troubles.

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know how things went yesterday...not so good. I don't know all of the details (don't really want to), but it appears the chemo pills I've been taking aren't working too well. I have tumor progression in my liver (substantial), new tumors elsewhere in my body, and the skull bone lesion has increased uptake (is more "active"). So last night I had a brain MRI to see better what was going on in my head...good news! The lesion isn't bigger or protruding into anything, it's just in the bone still and still small... which is awesome due to close proximity to the brain stem, which controls heart beating and breathing. Where the lesion is also contains all the cranial nerves and I was informed if they become involved I can have taste changes, double vision, drooping face, etc., and eye deviation! I just started laughing and asked the doc why can't I just get something easy??? hahaha. But that's me....drama all the time! Then Paul started laughing and said I might start looking like Crazy Eyes on the movie Mr. Deeds! bahahaha. Made me laugh and then I said, welll... it might be a good thing to be able to look at two people on opposite sides of the room at the same time. Could you imagine? hehehe. That might be the only cool thing about this whole deal! After deep consideration, we decided to do radiation (tomotherapy) to this site to prevent any of that craziness from happening. So tomorrow I am going to have a face mask (like freddy) made for the procedure. It takes awhile for him to plan it all out, so I'll probably start it in a couple/few weeks. I only have to get 5 treatments over 2 to 3 wks., yay! BUT (there's always a but!) the only downside is there is still a slight, slight chance of damaging cranial nerves, and-even worse- it will cause a 1-2 inch band of hair loss where the beams are pointed!!! And it is NOT in the area where I could just cover it with a head band :( Greeeat, now I'm gonna have a reverse hula skirt! Hopefully my new hair will start growing faster to cover it up! Or I guess I could just color that part of my scalp with a brown sharpie, hmmm. I'll have to get creative! So I feel good about all of that... but (again lol) there's still the rest of me, and I'm kinda running out of options. There was 1 research trial going on in Maryland that Dr. M called to see if I am a candidate, and it's not for me. So I have 2 IV chemos left to try. Only one really, I had 1 dose of 1 of them before and it kicked my ass... and didn't work. But (again) I have low platelets now, this time from my cancer filled liver, not from chemo. So I would have to get a decreased dose and I don't know how well I will tolerate it. So, that is where I am... decisions, decisions. When is enough enough?


I hope everyone can understand that this is a most difficult time for me, so please don't be offended if I haven't answered your texts & phone calls... I am trying to absorb it all and get through what I think might just be the hardest point in my life. Plus, if I did answer, you wouldn't know "who" you're going to get... haha. I am either sobbing, laughing, or a zombie at any given moment. But I know how much I am loved, and I thank you for all the love you're sending my way. It makes me feel so happy inside to read/feel so much support. It is tremendous and I feel every ounce of it, just please don't be hurt if I don't reply for awhile.

Btw... it is still a great day, every day that I am here is beautiful!!! my love to all!!!
jeremiah 29:11 ALWAYS!

So, this song pretty much sums up EXACTLY how Paul loves me. And THAT makes me cry "happy" tears.This song is so incredibly beautiful, so dead on with my life and the gift I have been given (Paul). I can't believe it, it feels like this was written about me. Well, except the "they got it just in time" part, lol. I have listened to it over and over this morning to feel better. I am a bundle of nerves right now, I had a PET scan 2 wks ago and today is my Dr. appt :( I did NOT want to find out the results...I just want to live my life! I am so over cancer, scans, bloodwork, chemo, dr appts., blah blah blah. I am so much happier and peaceful when I block it all out and just roll with how I feel. But... Paul wants to know. Needs to, I guess. And he definately deserves that right. After all, HE is the strong one, he holds me together. Especially lately, I have been very emotional and tearful. I have been so utterly exhausted and that is very difficult for me to handle. In my mind I have so much to do, places to go, etc. But my body is just a limp little lump that won't go. And I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up regardless how much I eat. I have thought about what it must be like to be quadrapalegic, that's what it feels like sometimes. It isn't a very good feeling. I try to tell myself it's the chemo, I hope it is. But always lurking just under the surface is the fear that it's cancer progression, and if that's the case.... all these little thoughts push their way in, despite my efforts to push them away and focus on positive thoughts and energy. "Are my best days over? Is this the beginning of the end?" Trust me, as soon as one of those thoughts pops into my mind I make it stop immediately. But they're there, ya know? So, my point to all of this is... that my husband has given me the most amazing, selfless, PURE love I have ever felt. And I thank God in heaven for him. As much as I didn't want to put my family through this, it is what it is and can't be changed. Thus, I have reeeeally experienced the truest of true loves. :) :) :) From when I came home that 1st day from the hospital after I'd been told there was a mass (I was alone, it was after hrs, my cell phone was dead, I had dropped the phone in the room after talking to Dr. M, slid down in a chair that happened to be under me, somehow made the drive home-don't remember it-and walked in, collapsed right onto the floor, Paulie picked me up, literally, held it in, and held me), to the day we found out it was Terry's kind of cancer and "terminal", to the absolute, hands down, worst day of my entire life when I told my 3 precious children and he got me through it! And all the times till now- including last night when he held me tight as I cried, saying, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to quit all of it- but I don't want to die either so there's no good option, I'm just so tired"... Paul has loved me through it all!!! I have been weak, he is ALWAYS strong. I have let go and said I can't do this anymore, and he is right there holding on & telling me I can. He has dried countless tears. There have been times when my faith was shaken and I felt lost, I'm pretty much most of the time scared to death, and Paul always looks right into my eyes, holds my hand, or squeezes me tight... and says we are gonna get through this together. I swear, I don't know how that man does it.... he never cries and always says it sincerely, with hope, as if it's a matter of fact that we WILL get through this and it will all be ok. And we do. And it will be... this I know thanks to my beautiful partner in crime!!! I love you Paul, more then you could possibly know! :)



Faith, hope, and love... but the greatest of these is love!!!

It is so beautiful outside today! And I am really happy because Levi's last football game is at noon, what a PERFECT day for a game! That's all I have today... got to get moving. Hope to write later.

Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you well, excited to start a new week! Afterall... every day is a new day, right? I am going to have a fabulous week, because yesterday I heard the words "I will sing a new song" at some point in church and it occurred to me that I should. So I am going to try really hard this week to accomplish at least 1 thing a day and refuse to let fatigue (understated word, lol) win. And that 1 thing doesn't include a shower or making dinner... which is what my goal has been lately. hahaha. And I am going to try to be a better mom & wife... quit being so self absorbed and start taking care of my family again! I'm really exited to make a change... lying on the couch 24/7 is no way to live. Plus this is like the most beautiful time of year, my favorite I think. Well, idk... spring is so beautiful after a long winter.... it's a toss up I guess. No, fall for sure! Jeans & hoodies, bonfires, leaves, dressing up for Halloween- it doesn't get any better than that! So yesterday was a good start- I went to church (when I didn't really feel like it when I woke up) and went to the grocery with Wyatt (thank God for Levi or I wouldn't have made it) and made dinner. Today I am going to finish a quilt I've been working on. HUGE, HUGE accomplishment! I don't believe Paul's family reads this so I will tell you. (These are supposed to be a suprise) When his sister Terry passed away I took all of her clothes and started making quilts immediately. I made one for her sister Lisa and one for her daughter Alissa. Well, (I am so mad at myself) I hadn't worked on anymore since I was diagnosed. Too painful I guess. I couldn't cut up her clothes without balling my eyes out... it was awful, there's such a finality in doing that. Such a realization that she is really gone and never coming back. And I could smell her on her clothes, which actually was a very comforting thing. I loved smelling her, just had a hard time chopping up her clothing. Anyhoo... I resumed my quilting awhile ago and I have finished two, and today I will finish my 3rd! Yeah! Btw, it's not hard to do so much now... I feel really happy to have these pieces of her that they will be able to wrap around them. Christmas is going to be sooo good this year! It is going to be very "Little House on the Prairie" with my homemade gifts, PERFECT! For those of you who don't know me too well, I always wanted to live like Caroline. hahaha. That's how it should be anyway, instead of all the crap we spoil our family with, it has def lost it's meaning I think. Well, I'm bringing it back baby! Maybe I'll even bake a birthday cake for Jesus this year like a did once a long, long time ago. I just love Christmas, bestest holiday ever! Wow, I can ramble. I wanted to get on today to share what happened to me at church yesterday. Crap... Wyatt is awake. I will finish this in a bit. Wakie, wakie, time for eggs & bacie! :)

So, I have written a couple of times but I cannot get this stupid blog to post. I will try again.... we just got back from full week in beeeeautiful NC! Omgosh, I've never seen so many seashells! It is sooo addicting, I just couldn't stop collecting them! I found some really cool ones and I can't wait to arrange them in this huge (and I mean huge) glass jar. I'll have to take a pic when I get done. I'm so sad though because the last day of our trip Lisa, Levi, and I took a ferry to Bear Island (Blackbeard's old hangout) and hunted for sand dollars and shells.... in a freaking hurricane! Well, I might be exaggerating a little. But my God it was thunder like right beside my ear and I about had a heart attack... lightening right over us- that I didn't see because of my huge 'ol umbrella (real smart, lol)... and terrential downpours! I felt like I was on survivor, except I wasn't surviving too well, hahaha. So anyhoo... on this BARREN island (that lady at our resort lied! There weren't huge shells everywhere and millions of sand dollars!) we finally found 6 sand dollars after almost 3 miles and Levi found this AMAZING starfish! It was beautiful... bright blue on one side, white on the other. That is when the storm really picked up so we turned around and realized the wind had been at our backs. hahaha. I wanted to cry...it felt like we were walking into a tornado and I was fully aware of just how far we had to go back. My feet were killing me cuz they are all messed up from my new chemo, my stupid umbrella, which was only really protecting my face from the sideways rain from pelting it, was turning inside out and I was about to throw the damn thing into the ocean! But noooo, I held on, against the wind. Not one of my wiser moments, like I was really going to stay dry at all! Poor Levi... he gave up on any attempt to shelter himself and lugged our shells wrapped up in a towel over his shoulder. He said that now he knows how Santa feels. hahaha, made me laugh. It felt as if we were hiking up a mountain due to the high winds. But I had carefully placed our beloved sand dollars in the right back pocket of my shorts to prevent any damage to our fragile treasures, and the starfish in the left one. Now here is why I am so sad... we finally made it back to the shelter house after what felt like 8 hours (was really about an hour and a half), arm and leg muscles twitching & aching so so bad, skin eaten alive by mosquitos and burning from the hard rain, drenched, out of breath, ready to fall face first into the sand.... and i saw a bench there... so i plopped down, just exhausted. And I heard it... CRUNCH! omg, sand dollars--- gone! Are you serious??? I just endured all of that and did what??? Again, felt like crying. lol. Then we proceed to walk another 1/2 mile to the other side of the island to (barely) catch the ferry back. As we are pulling away... shivering, cold to the bone, teeth chattering, wishing we were at the condo with our much wiser husbands... Levi says, "Mom, where's my starfish?" OK, this is the point I truly did have to hold back tears... left it at the shelter house!!! This was a day long event, our last day in NC, just wanted to find something so special for Levi to always have... went through so much to find them and now we've got NOTHING! Well, except our memories! hahahah, Lisa and I laughed all the way home. I wish I had just a smidge of that day on video!

I am soooooo happy right now!!! I just woke up to go to the bathroom and my face is CLEAR!!! COMPLETELY CLEAR! It's a miracle! Oh my gosh, thank you Jesus! I can touch my nose and it doesn't hurt... heeheeheehee! I am giggling it makes me so freaking happy! I can raise my eyebrows, wiggle my nose, smile... and nothing burns or hurts! And my scalp isn't tender & itchy either! Laura is here visiting and she just woke up too... she said it's because she healed me, lol. Ohhhhh wow. Earlier this week my nose was soooo swollen, Paul said I looked like an old alcoholic, ya know when their noses get so huge and red... of course he didn't say that till the swelling had gone down cuz he knew it'd make me cry, hahaha. It was pretty bad though... he was like, "babe, it was so big and shiny and tight- I could see my reflection in it and it hurt to look at it." I said, "You noticed that?" And he just started laughing. Wellll, I'm laughing now! OK, got to get back to sleep... I just had to write this because I am so happy :) I was terrified that my dermatomyositis was coming back but looks like it was just the new chemo pills, THANK GOD!!!!!!!