I haven't posted for a long time... January was really rough. I had a case of eye shingles that was horrible. And by horrible, I mean the worst thing I have been through... EVER! And I've meant to write for the last week because I have been feeling so good, but I have had so much to do after being in a narcotic coma for a month... so yesterday I was really excited to blog after my doctor appt. But, that didn't go as expected. There I was.... feeling the best I have in the past 9 months, dressed up, hair done, makeup on. Happy from our weekend at a cabin with Tim and Anne, excited to get my PET scan results and start chemo next week. Knowing they got all of the liver tumors out and this was just to kill off any floaters. Wellll, wrong-o! We learned yesterday that my cancer is back, and not just a little. It's bad, real bad. Dr. M started with the new tumor on my liver, and in my head I was thinking, ok...makes sense because I haven't had any chemo for 5 months, let's go!!! And then he continued to list more and more new tumors & body parts. It was very surreal. Very numb, in utter disbelief. Because I feel fantastic! I have been telling my family, it's like I just woke up from a bad nightmare and I feel like me again! It feels like I never had cancer. So, I now have 1 in my liver, a questionable mass in my right abdominal wall muscle, 2 in my right lung base, 1 in my left lung base, 5 in my left pleural space, something in my diaphragm (might just be inflammation), and in the right side of my skull base (very close to brain stem) theres "something". I am having an MRI of my head today to see what that "something" involves. Maybe I am desperately reaching, but I am praying that it just has something to do with the shingles. Because brain stem controls heart rate, breathing,. etc. If it's that fucking cancer this is not good. Not good at all. Seriously????? How can this be? I mean, I know this is a hiddeous cancer & I'm not dumb, I knew it would come back eventually. But so soon? And EVERYWHERE??? Wow, this really sucks. I was not, am not prepared for this. I am trying super hard to look at the good side... they are all really small, just new little sprouts. And THANK GOD they were able to do tests on those tumors and found 6 chemo drugs that kill my cancer. So that is all good stuff to focus on... except I can't focus. I have an ache in the pit of my stomach. Feel like I could throw up. Before, I had hope for cure, hope for alot of time. I feel so sad right now. All I can think about are my children, Paul, my grandson (It's a boy!) THIS SUCKS!!!! There is an ache in my soul. I have such a heavy heart. Oh, and any locals reading this... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this on the down low, I absolutley DO NOT want Levi to know any of this. That is really the only thing that matters to me right now!!! He's been really happy lately, and he doesn't need to know it has spread all over. Wanna wait to see how I respond to chemo. I will tell him it's really bad if & when he needs to know it's getting really bad. This is a small town, so I'm begging you to shhh! Please don't tell your kids!Please just give me that. God give me strength, His footprints are def in the sand right now.