So, I have new pet scan results... liver tumors are bigger and there are several new ones! (in just 6 weeks while getting chemo) Pretty much sucks, but what are you gonna do? Chin up and fight on!!! I see my doctor in the morning and I am really eager to start a new chemo. I haven't had any for almost 3 weeks, my platelets were too low again. Which kinda made me suspect that the chemo wasn't working too well. But at the time all I heard was I'd be getting a chemo break, and was like wohooo! NOOOO chemo... I am totally down with that. hahaha. Now I am like, hurry up and shoot me up with some poison! Like, yesterday! lol. I researched stuff online all weekend and I am VERY excited about 1 drug that has helped several thymic cancer patients that are refractory to standard, current therapies available. One dude went 9 months with no progression of disease, idk what has happened to him since.. but I would give just about anything for my shit not to grow for 9 months! But, of course, it isn't FDA approved for thymic cancer yet (grrr) so I pulled some case reports for my doc to fight insurance co to get it approved/paid for. So please say a prayer for me that I can get this drug... I need it BAD, REAL BAD! It is the only drug I have found that has worked with late stage TC that are resistant to other chemos. And my cancer is growing just about as fast as the weeds in my garden, lol. And at this point I am really frustrated, pissed off actually. I am so ready for one of these chemos to do something for a change! But, idk, maybe they are (slowing it) working a little. Maybe if I weren't getting these drugs I wouldn't be here right now... who knows. So, I just have to have courage and keep on keepin on :) I gave Paul a John Wayne frame that says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway!" I just love that quote, so true! OK, enough on that... I am done talking and thinking about dumb cancer! (well, after my appt in the morning.)

Other news; My cousins Karla & mike, their daughter Brittney, and my Uncle Karl came to visit me on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing them & spending time with them. We got all caught up and had some good laughs. Planning on a girls night in the fall. Will be fun time, can't wait.

Also, Ty is done working at Lowes until he goes back to Ashland and I am sooo happy! I have hardly seen him all summer and I miss my boy. Hoping to spend some good time together over next couple of weeks. I just love that kid! He is funny, so sweet, good to talk to.... wise beyond his years. It's funny, I'm supposed to be the mom, but he helps me so much to "get through" some of my rough moments. His faith is AMAZING! I love that about him so much. He has never changed who he is for anyone, always stood his ground with his values and beliefs. I'm so proud of the man he is. Oh, funny story- last week he was working, came home for dinner, went back to work. I knew he was working until 9 and at 10pm I thought, maybe it was until 10pm. Now I have to tell you, Tyler always asks permission to go anywhere, even though he is almost 19. It's so sweet. So, anyhoo... I fell asleep on the couch waiting up for him, wondering where in the world he was. I woke up at 1am totally panicked. Jill had come here after work and was awake so I asked her to check if Ty's car was here. She went outside and said nope. Then I started the OCD text messages and phone calls to his cell. No response, no answer. Jill tried to call her house to see if he had gone there after work, but no answer- everyone was obviously sound asleep. By 2am I was freaking out! I called his aunt, grandma, friends. He was nowhere. Then I called the po-po with a knot in my stomach. This isn't Tyler, he would never not let me know where he was, he'd never stay out all night. (If this had been Jess I'd just be irritated that she was doing this & wouldn't be worried or scared at all.) So whoever I talked to said there had been no accidents and since he was 18, not much I can do. I explained the situation and she said she would have a sheriff return my call right away. I was debating which way Tyler would have driven to work so I could go drive the route. I went and woke up Paul, extremely stressed out... and Paul said, "He came home from work, took a shower and went to Jill's." I thought to myself, what??? HOW did I miss that??? I mean, I know my memory is awful, but come on. I was so exhausted (at this point it was 3am) that I decided to believe him. Paul is always on it. The phone rang, I told the sheriff I felt like an idiot, but we knew where he was, thank God! I tried to fall asleep but something kept nagging me that Paul was not fully awake and didn't know what the heck he was saying. Ty would have told me!!! I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 am. OK, so heres the funny part... I wake up at 7ish to find a note from Jill... seems Tyler was home in bed the WHOLE time!!! She just didn't "see" his car in the driveway. He had pulled up farther than normal so it was blocked from view. OMG!!! I was so tired that entire next day after being up all night for NOTHING!!! I coulda killed her, lol. He was laughing his butt off when he looked at his phone that morning...why hadn't I just checked his bed? Gooooood question. hahaha

Other news... Levi is almost as tall as me and it is freaking me out! He has been my little baby boy for so long, but I cannot deny any longer that puberty has arrived. So sad! He is in the "I am too cool to hold your hand or act like I love you in front of anyone" phase and it is killing me. He has been talking about adult things that I didn't even know he knew! I knew it was coming, just not ready for it. I keep reminding him that he promised to still hold my hand and be snuggly with me forever, even when he is a teenager and a grown man. I guess I shouldn't expect it in public. And he does still love on me at home as long as noone else is around, guess that'll have to suffice. Ohhh, I am not ready for this. I want my baby to stay a baby forever, lol. He did say, "I love you mom" in front of his friends, so that is totally cool. Hope that never changes. He is so adorable and he makes me laugh so much. He is hilarious. I can't believe some of the things he comes up with.But I laugh after he is out of earshot, I try not to encourage him. I have to be "mom". He reminds me so much of me sometimes it's scary!

Real quick, because I am really tired & about to fall asleep... Jess is doing awesome, she looks and feels great. She is such a good little momma. Makes my heart absolutely melt when I watch her with Wyatt. I can't believe sometimes that that's my little girl holding her little baby. I remember so clearly holding her that way, looking at her that way, singing to and rocking her. It just makes me smile and feel so happy inside. Zack is so sweet with him too, I just LOVE it! He is a lucky, blessed little baby, that's for sure. He couldn't be loved more, especially by his gigi! :) I freaking adore him! Being a grandma is unbelievably awesome, no words really. I just can't wait for him to smile and "talk" to me :) ok, going to bed. nighty night!