OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a difference a day makes! I FOR SURE got the drug that we didn't think my insurance would pay for! THEY SHIPPED IT LAST NIGHT AND IT ARRIVED AT MI CASA TODAY! Say what??? This is crazy greatness! It feels like everything is always so uphill... histoplasmosis recurrence in Nov.- delayed chemo, shingles in Jan.- again, delayed chemo & cancer started spreading, not getting chemo covered by insurance & having to try another one, blah blah blah! FINALLY something is going my way! I was at the pool store when I got the call and I just started balling with pure, utter joy and relief! I was shaking because I thought that by the time I would "maybe" get this drug, it might be too late. My little Levi was with me and I know he was just trying to piece together my phone conversation and when we walked out he asked me what it all meant, and it felt like heaven on earth to be able to tell him something good and happy for once with regard to this stupid cancer deal! I cannot tell you how it felt to see hope in his eyes! For once, he wasn't dropping his shoulders, head down, trying not to cry. Hallelujah!!! Thank you for this very moment God! My sweet little boy- the love of my life, finally gets to feel happy and not scared for a minute!It has taken every single ounce of courage and strength I have inside to stay positive and be strong throughout these past months... and despite it all- I am absolutely OVERCOME with relief, excitement, and most of all praise to God! I literally feel the weight of the world lifted from me. Thank you God so, so much! Guess you must have felt sorry for my pathetic butt on the bathroom floor at chemo the other day, lol. I KNOW God has carried me through this whole journey... even though, if I am 100% honest, I have felt abandoned by Him at times. Sometimes it has felt in my heart like my cries and prayers have been useless and unheard. But I know that those feelings are my emotions getting the best of me when I'm not getting what I want. I knew from the start this wouldn't be easy, and I have HAD to trust Him completely! And I do!!! It all goes back to Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans He has for me... to give me hope and a future (in this life and the next!) That is my favorite verse of all time- it has always sustained me through all the hard things I've been through in my life. It has always given me hope, thankfulness, and intense drive to press on in search of the good. But then, when I almost died from histo a few years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed and didn't feel right. The fever started, I could gauge it was at least 102, the shivering had begun, the hip bone pain becoming unbearable again, usual events at night... but this time it was different, I felt so dizzy and lightheaded. Everything was getting dark, I started to feel like I was dying so I said to myself, "self... DO NOT close your eyes!", so I found a spot on the wall to focus on so I wouldnt go to sleep... I knew if I did that was it, it would all be over. And it took me at least 10 or 15 minutes to gather the strength to hit the nurse call button that was lying right next to my head... that is how weak/ out of it I was. I just couldn't muster the strength. I had to think about it for a long time until I could make my arm do what my mind was telling it to. I was so scared. And of course it was the 1 and only night Paul went home ( only at my absolute insistance) and I was all alone. God, I was scared to death. Anyway.. the nurse came, checked my vitals (new, young nurse of course, lol) and when my BP was 70/40 she freaked out and said she was going to call the doctor and LEFT ME ALONE in my room! wtf? I was seriously panicked at this point, because she didn't come back for a very long time. There I was... lying in this bed, felt like I wasn't really attached to my body anymore, just trying to hold my eyes open (they were SO heavy) to look at that speck on the wall to stay awake. And I was thinking- open up my IV fluids- I need a bolus, put my bed in reverse trendelenburg, I am fading fast... why did you leave me, you dumb nurse?!? Start some dopamine! Anything, just get back here! I wanted to get out of my bed and perform these tasks but I could not move a muscle. And then it was so weird, I was all "foggy" and I closed my eyes... and someone (God, I am pretty sure) spoke to me. It wasn't a voice I could hear, it was more like a "knowing" that was being revealed to me. See, that bible verse has always gotten me through my entire life, but I had always thought it pertained to my earthly life. And now, lying in that bed feeling panicked that I was going to die, I had this overwhelming peace and knowledge that what that verse means is that His plan for me is for me to prosper both by becoming the best, most loving person I can be here and fulfilling my potential and recieving great love from my family and friends... but also when I get called home. That when I go home to His arms, it is nothing I can imagine in this life because it is so beautiful and I will be happy and filled with everything we desire here. It was AMAZING... and I was totally ok to go at that moment. I was really happy. I wasn't really in my bed anymore. Total peace. But then that nurse came back & saved the day, hahaha. For which, btw, I am so thankful she did! Even though it was 45 minutes after she left my room! (I remember I had looked at the clock before I zoned out.) Seriously though.. I cannot put into words, there just aren't any, to convey how relieved I am!!! I didn't want to die then, and here I am... I've been given 3 years since then. And now... hopefully with this new drug I will be given even more time that I have been DESPERATELY praying for! I mean, I am not afraid to die at all... but I adore my life, my family, my friends... I'm just not ready yet! I would love to see my baby grown, for Wyatt to maybe be able to remember me, to be around to help Jessi and Zack... to see Tyler married, maybe meet his baby, spend amazing, fun time with my husband! I just want to be here to enjoy and cherish all that God has given us here! I FRICKING LOVE MY LIFE!!! So, I am asking anyone reading this to get on your knees when you think of me, and pray with me the second part of my prayer... that this "new" drug will help me the way it has other late stage thymic cancer patients. Pray for more time for me, please! Thank you to every single soul out there who has held me and my family up in your thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed with so much care, concern, love, and prayers... and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support! I couldn't do this without all of you :) Sorry for all the rambling... I don't even know how I got so off the subject, hahaha. All I was going to blog was that I got Sorafenib! YEAH!!! Woop! Woop! SO awesome!!!! I'm so happy!!!!

K, I am so tired... night night! ttyl.