I Remember you Today

One year ago today
we had to let you go...
say goodbye, tears in our eyes...
life without you we didn't want to know.

But I remember you today
with a joyful song inside my heart,
for I know it's only a little while
that we will be apart.

My beautiful sister, Terry,
I know you didn't die...
you've just moved on without us
and are waiting in the sky.

You've come to me in dreams,
and allowed for me to see
that where we go is amazing,
abounding with love and peace.

All the things about you
that we love and miss so much...
your big, brown eyes and laughter,
your ever gentle touch...

All these things live on
so deep inside my soul,
I take your spirit with me
everywhere I go.

So I remember you today-
as you live on as part of me.
I miss your hands, your touch,
miss you so much...
but I'm happy that you're free.

I will look for you in the stars,
in rainbows and butterflies,
at the edge of rolling waters,
in God's beauty in my life.

I will look for you in an embrace,
or when someone holds my hand,
in a gentle kiss upon my cheek,
in the laughter of my man.

Stronger than the pain
of having to set you free-
is the love you showed,
the way you glowed,
life's lessons you have taught me!

And soon enough, sweet soul-
I will hold you once again...
so dance and run and sing and play
until we meet in the promised land.

So I remember you today,
as every day I will...
with utter joy and thankfulness
for the life in us you filled!

I love and miss you Terry!!!

It is beeeeautiful outside!!! That's all I've got today. Thank you God for warm weather!!! Makes me so happy :) I love my life!

and a happy new year!

Jessi with Little baby Wyatt!!! Ty and me @ Findlay meet, I miss my baby boy so so much!

Laura came b4 chemo!!!! Thank God!

After a few margarita's we had a "janet joplin" concert, it was awesome! just us & bobbie magee! hahaha

Anne rocked her banana mike! lol





I played a mean broom!

Good food,
Good friends,
Good times,
A hot tub, good drinks,

Love, laughter, sledding, and Taboo... what more can u ask for? Me, Paulie, Anne, & Tim!

YOU HAVE TO visit Metamora, Indiana come May! It is the coolest canal town fron the 1800's with over 50 shops, train ride, horseback riding, canoeing, kayaking nearby.Canal boat still pulled by horses. Soooo very cool! Can't wait to go back when it's open! lol. And Brookville Lake is like 3 miles away!!

After I got rid of the 'ol eye herps....
Back in the chair again...shoot me up baby! Let's roll! (btw, i love love love 50 mg IV benadryl with chemo! hahaha)

Hi everyone! Well, treatment #1 down, yay! And, finally, I think I have caught a break. This one is nothing (so far) compared to last summer. A walk in the park! I was a little nauseated yesterday during infusion, but not anymore. The roids have kicked in and I am eating like crazy! Last night I ate a huge bowl of icecream with waffles and tortillas/queso dip. Then had turkey, cheese, an orange, almonds, & a banana for a snack, lol. This is a really good thing, I can't seem to get above 112 lbs. Maybe Paul will be able to call me his Plumpkin again, jk, I hated that nickname! And I really hope I don't get fat cheeks back again! The only problem I am having is the sharts. So all you OB girls- and many others- are , I know, thanking God for that. Can't toot anymore. lol. I'm sure once the steroids wear off I will nap alot, but I just feel so much better this time.Just feels like a have a touch of the flu. And mentally I am better prepared. The first time was so horrible and after watching Terry die, it was the biggest mind f#*@ ever! So now I am mentally in a much better place. Now I know chemo is just physical, just medicine thats making me feel bad, its not me dying. So, fuck you cancer!!! Get outa here!!!! Sorry I'm dropping the f- bomb, but really, I think I've earned the right when its used in the same sentence with cancer! So, how bout... I fucking hate you cancer! Get the fuck outa my body and our lives!!!! Wow, that feels good, no great! hahahaha.

I want to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE of you for your prayers, messages on my posts-help soooo much, visits, acts of love. I seriously feel overwhelming love, and it is an amazing feeling. This whole thing sucks so bad, but if I didn't have cancer I wouldn't have had the opportunity to really know I am so, so loved. Makes my heart sing with happiness :) My bff Laura came in town this weekend, so happy! Levi and her son, Connor, set traps and caught their first racoon! Connor is a city boy, so I think he thought that was pretty cool. Levi was mad I wouldn't let him kill it for it's fur to make money. lol. And Connor said we are hillbillies. (but he wanted a picture carrying the BB gun!) I told him we are country folk! hahaha. Laura and I were preggers together with those two... funny how 2 kids can be so different! Connor is younger, but huge! He looks like Levi's dad. But Levi is the one with no fear, makes me laugh to watch them. Oh, and I want to especially thank Connor for my beautiful oragamy(?) flower, blue is my favorite color and I love it! It is on my kitchen window sill so I see it every time I am at the sink, makes me smile ear to ear, sweet boy! Also, Andrew, I have Laura Ingalls Wilder right on my fridge! LOVE HER! And finally, Sara- you wrote me the most profound, beautiful letter. I treasure it so deep in my heart. Makes me feel like I can keep going, keep fighting, keep winning! I am glad my battles inspire you in some way. That makes it worth it baby girl! It is on my fridge too, so when I dont feel so strong I just read your words and remember how far I've come.

Love to you all!

I haven't posted for a long time... January was really rough. I had a case of eye shingles that was horrible. And by horrible, I mean the worst thing I have been through... EVER! And I've meant to write for the last week because I have been feeling so good, but I have had so much to do after being in a narcotic coma for a month... so yesterday I was really excited to blog after my doctor appt. But, that didn't go as expected. There I was.... feeling the best I have in the past 9 months, dressed up, hair done, makeup on. Happy from our weekend at a cabin with Tim and Anne, excited to get my PET scan results and start chemo next week. Knowing they got all of the liver tumors out and this was just to kill off any floaters. Wellll, wrong-o! We learned yesterday that my cancer is back, and not just a little. It's bad, real bad. Dr. M started with the new tumor on my liver, and in my head I was thinking, ok...makes sense because I haven't had any chemo for 5 months, let's go!!! And then he continued to list more and more new tumors & body parts. It was very surreal. Very numb, in utter disbelief. Because I feel fantastic! I have been telling my family, it's like I just woke up from a bad nightmare and I feel like me again! It feels like I never had cancer. So, I now have 1 in my liver, a questionable mass in my right abdominal wall muscle, 2 in my right lung base, 1 in my left lung base, 5 in my left pleural space, something in my diaphragm (might just be inflammation), and in the right side of my skull base (very close to brain stem) theres "something". I am having an MRI of my head today to see what that "something" involves. Maybe I am desperately reaching, but I am praying that it just has something to do with the shingles. Because brain stem controls heart rate, breathing,. etc. If it's that fucking cancer this is not good. Not good at all. Seriously????? How can this be? I mean, I know this is a hiddeous cancer & I'm not dumb, I knew it would come back eventually. But so soon? And EVERYWHERE??? Wow, this really sucks. I was not, am not prepared for this. I am trying super hard to look at the good side... they are all really small, just new little sprouts. And THANK GOD they were able to do tests on those tumors and found 6 chemo drugs that kill my cancer. So that is all good stuff to focus on... except I can't focus. I have an ache in the pit of my stomach. Feel like I could throw up. Before, I had hope for cure, hope for alot of time. I feel so sad right now. All I can think about are my children, Paul, my grandson (It's a boy!) THIS SUCKS!!!! There is an ache in my soul. I have such a heavy heart. Oh, and any locals reading this... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this on the down low, I absolutley DO NOT want Levi to know any of this. That is really the only thing that matters to me right now!!! He's been really happy lately, and he doesn't need to know it has spread all over. Wanna wait to see how I respond to chemo. I will tell him it's really bad if & when he needs to know it's getting really bad. This is a small town, so I'm begging you to shhh! Please don't tell your kids!Please just give me that. God give me strength, His footprints are def in the sand right now.