I am writing to ask for prayers. Prayer for strength, hope, and healing, not just for myself but more importantly my beautiful husband and children. I have decided to stop all chemotherapy. (hold on, I know what that sounds like. I AM NOT giving up!) So, actually I have been pretty stubborn & have continued it when my body has been screaming noooooo! I have been praying with all of my heart for answers from God, and I am 100 percent sure that I cannot do it anymore. It has gotten to the point that I am actually killing my body quicker than the cancer will. I have been merely existing on my couch, only able to minimally participate in life for quite awhile now. I haven't been able to shower on a daily basis, cook dinner, do any household chores, (trust me you should be soooo thankful when you physically can) and at times barely make it to the bathroom. I like to pretend that everything is ok, so it's really hard for me to be honest about how bad I have been doing. But the truth is that I feel my body slipping away if I continue this path. I have been in a dark place lately. My spirit started slipping too, so that's when I knew... Enough! I am really struggling with nutrition and endurance to stay off the couch for more than an hour or two. So if you remember please say a little extra prayer for me to be able to eat better and get my strength up. I have got to get some weight back and get some exercise. It might be 3 minutes of sweatin to the oldies with Richard Simmons but I HAVE to make myself start moving! And I'm sure Paul would really appreciate it if my ass doesn't hang to my knees anymore! I'm serious.... It's gotten so bad. Funny how with the flip of a switch it (muscle) all disappears so quickly. I just want my muffin top back!!!

I want to tell you that I know how bad this all sounds, but it is good! I see light at the end of the tunnel! (and noooo, not that light...I'm trying to stay far away from that one lol) I feel the weight of the world lifted off of me. Because all this time I have been struggling with turmoil, both physically and mentally. And now I have peace in my heart. And hopefully once I get all of this poison out of my system I will feel tons better. I stopped last wednesday, and I'm having moments of feeling better. I was hospitalized recently and felt so much better after blood, fluids, and a 1 week chemo break. So, I should slowly start getting back to living my life :) I am also going to see a naturopathic doctor to help try to heal my body naturally, if nothing else...make it feel better and give it what it needs. I see her next week.

So, today if you are overwhelmed, tired, hating, fighting, or just going along with a mundane day... Remember how blessed you are that you can squeeze dinner in somehow, run your kids all over, face the bills, work on that laundry, take time for your child, play outside, take the dog for a walk, meet a friend.... All the things I miss so much!

     So... I have very happy news! I haven't been blogging hardly, well... that is because I have been feeling so badly. After my last pet scan... I was starting to wonder if I was on my way out, no joke. Thank God for our new sofa, otherwise I'm sure I'd have a stage 4 wound on my right hip with a wound vac attached! I have literally laid in "bed" for about 7 weeks now, with the exception of a couple times I felt ok enough to go try to participate in life- like the Troy Strawberry Festival, or a quick boat ride at Indian Lake. But what the pictures don't show- is me about to pass out getting out of the boat, or going into a sleeping coma for 2 days from walking a couple of blocks. I am serious, it's been bad. Every time I would shower I couldn't get to the toilet fast enough afterwords to sit down because I was short of breath, my heart rate would jump to 140-160, and I'd feel faint.  They have ruled out heart failure (from the chemo) so I was just thinking maybe this is getting close to closing time, lol. I was trying to adjust my attitude to my new way of life. Wellllll.... my happy news is that this whole time it has been because my freaking hemoglobin was 6.8!!! (normal is 12+) NO WONDER I couldn't breath or function and I was so pasty!!! My poor little ticker was working in overdrive to try to get me some oxygen! So this past week I got a blood transfusion and that night I was vacuuming our pool and watering my poor, dying flowers and new trees. I felt like going out dancing, had a smile ear to ear, and was so overjoyed! I felt alive again! (Before I couldn't hardly walk to the barn to kitchen to get a drink!) The following day was rough- I am assuming I overdid it. But I've been great since. I am so, so, so happy!!!! I don't have to fill that prescription I had gotten for a wheelchair! I can walk, run, play again!!! Okay, well maybe not run hahaha. And let me tell you, it is exhilarating! I never thought I'd feel that way about going to the grocery, but it is! And today was the best day ever... we took Wyatt to the Newport Aquarium for his 1st birthday and I was able to walk the whole thing for 1.5 hrs and go out to eat afterwards, no wheelchair. Thank you God that I was easily fixable!!! p.s I think this new chemo pill is working (I'm giggling) because I used to only be able to lie on my right side- and now I can do my left, back, and even my stomach! wooohoooo!!!  :)  That's all I have for now but I will put some pics up tomorrow of our trip today if I can get them from Jessi. I hope y'all are having as wonderful a week as I am.

Hello everyone! I haven't written in awhile, haven't been feeling so hot. Quick medical update- I ended up in the hospital for about a week at the end of April, I think. I was having problems with tachycardia (fast heart beat) among other issues. So long story short... I didn't get anymore IV chemo. I've had to be off of chemo until this week to allow myself a chance to recover a bit. My Dr. was thinking I've just had more chemo than a body can take.I've had issues since, just up and down with how I'm feeling. But I started on really low dose chemo Monday to try to stop stuff from growing too fast. No more IV (strong) chemo for me, Dr.'s orders. Which I am totally agreeable with! Enough of that junk though. I am just rolling with each day as it comes and excited that Levi is out of school, so happy it is summertime!!!


In other news, Tyler recently got home from his mission trip to Panama. He had a very good experience there, except when he was sleeping and said that either a lizard or mouse crawled across his leg and he isn't quite sure which one it was! Ewwwww! No thank you! I have to say that I am so very proud of the beautiful man my son has become. He is such a loving soul and it makes my heart happy.


Jessica has started grad school- go momma go! I know she will do wonderful things in her life with furthering her education. She already does! I don't know how she's doing it all; renovating her new house, working, raising a baby, going to grad school, dealing with my illness, volunteering at the equestrian center for people with disabilities. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with what good people God sent to me to raise. I'm so lucky they are mine!!!


I know it's not much, but it's an update and I'm tired. Will write again soon.


p.s. Levi is as tall as me!!!!!!!!!! He's totally changing into a man before my very eyes! I see it every day... again, makes my heart happy I am here to see it :)  Gosh, I love that kid!


p.p.s. yessss, that is 10 of us riding on the golf cart up at the lake... count em! hahahaha

I don't even know where to start! I went to my appt on Wednesday to get my pet scan results. It had been a really terrible week 3 days in, and I had spent 2 hours before my appt feeling like I could throw up, trying to psych myself up for hearing how much worse my cancer was. I decided I was going to tell my Dr to only say better, same, or worse... well- mildly, moderately, or severely worse, but NO details! Jenni is here to visit and I didn't want to go down that mental road again. So I just kept telling myself, you know it's worse (it always is) so just pretend you didn't hear that and go on how you feel! I was finally peaceful in my heart when I got to the office. So when the medical assistant came in I said to her, "Now listen, this has been a horrible week. So you go out there and tell Dr. M there's nooooo Eeyore today! He has to come in here smiling and tell him to just lie to me and tell me I'm either cured or better. I'm serious, just lie to me." She chuckled and said she would. Soooo, door opens, Dr. M has a huge, cheesy smile and shakes my hand. I said, "That's really good!" (You have to understand he NEVER looks like that- he always has a concerning, sad look and I am just impressed he is going along with my shenanigans.) So, he sits down and says something to the effect of it (the cancer) is all better, still smiling... big. I am perplexed because I know he would never, even jokingly, take it this far. I am realizing that I think he's serious! I just say, "SHUT UP!" All I can do is awkwardly stare at him... am I being punked?After a few seconds, "Are you serious?" I just could not absorb in my brain what he was saying. Now, you would think I would jump up and down with joy... but all I could manage to do was smile, only half believing his words. I was utterly dumbfounded!!! I just could not comprehend that my cancer was "better". I mean I thought the very best case scenario would be that it could be stable disease, which means no progression. He went on to say that a few of the tumors were actually gone, and all the rest were smaller and the uptake- which is how much they "light up"/how active they are- was about cut in half. He seemed pretty amazed by all of this. As did I! I still wasn't quite really believing this though. He said ALL of them were smaller and less active, wow. So we discussed that we need to for sure continue with this treatment. Problem; I can only have 2 more doses of Adriamycin and I will be at the lifetime maximum dose you can have without causing heart failure. But he mentioned some drug they have given to children with the Adriamycin that prevents the heart damage, although he has never given it... and I'm not a child. Hmmmm, I asked him what are the risks/odds here, because I didn't fight this hard and come all this way to die of a big fat coronary!!! hahaha. So, he is going to do some research while I finish up 2 more rounds and we will go from there. Sounds good to me! If there is 1 thing I have learned in all of this it is to not think about the past or too far into the future either. So Paul and I went home and for about 24 hours I was saying the words about my good news, but it was very surreal. Just like when they told me I had this cancer...I just could not accept or believe that it was better! Denial, I guess. Then yesterday I was driving home from taking Tyler to pick up his "new" car in Beavercreek and it hit me. It really hit me.... all of these tumors have shrunk! All of these tumors are not wildly growing out of control! This chemo is WORKING! What??? This horrible chemo is worth it! IT IS ACTUALLY WORTH IT!!! I didn't make a mistake in my decision to try 1 last time!!! There was always hope! HOPE IS REAL.... always, no matter how bad things are! My God in heaven, hospice was mentioned in January... and here I was wondering if I would live to see Levi turn 14 in July, praying that when "it" starts to happen that I will go quickly for my family's sake, blah, blah, blah... BUT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A PRECIOUS MIRACLE!!!! I have been given 2 gifts actually, the gift of time and the gift of freedom. I felt so free, like chains had been cut from my arms and legs. I felt like I had been at war (like Braveheart) for 2 years... never winning and having to armor up and keep fighting, fighting, fighting a losing battle... but this time I won! I just broke down in the car, sobbing so hard I could barely drive. Snot was flying, my shoulders were shaking uncontrollably, it just all came out. All of the everything I've been carrying for almost 2 years was just being lifted from me. It was a sweet release of fear, pain, sorrow, and angst mixed with an OVERWHELMING joy! I just kept looking up to the sky crying happy tears, smiling, and praising God for this miracle. I kept telling Him I knew that this was only possible from Him. I kept thanking him that I have been given the gift of another season with my babies and my husband without feeling the white elephant in the room! That we can just be, just enjoy every day with no worries. TRULY no worries. There's no dark cloud lurking overhead. We don't have to pretend that things aren't getting worse. My baby boy will have more time with me, be a little older and be able to remember me better! Wyatt will be able to figure out what he is going to call me, I can have quality time with Tyler before he returns to Ashland in the fall, watch Jess and Zack set up house and begin their new family. We can have so much FUN this summer... go to a water park, go zip-lining, go fishing, go boating, horseback riding, maybe go up to Lake Erie for a day to fish...my mind was racing with all of the things I want to do. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO VERY THANKFUL! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! Wow, I am just so happy! It is going to be a great summer! It is worth the bad days on this chemo! It is worth it!!! wow, wow, wow. I'm still a little speechless. I want to thank every single person for every single prayer... they've been answered! And I am still just so amazed and thankful and overjoyed!!! Now hopefully I won't be so narcissistic! Hahaha, yeah! I'm done being so stinking self-absorbed. My life can finally be about everyone else and I love it!!! By the way, when I got home Zack told me I needed to call Tyler because his new car wouldn't start and he was stuck in Beavercreek. I just laughed... ok, back to the usual! hahahaha. It just needed a new battery, thank God... again!

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in awhile... this chemo is really kicking my butt. I have just been so tired, the recoup time is getting longer. But today I feel great. (Thank you God!) It's so gorgeous outside, I hope to actually accomplish something today! And hopefully take Levi fishing and then to Night Sky for dessert when he gets home from track. That was the plan yesterday but it didn't happen. And I feel so guilty/bad when I don't feel good and can't follow through on my promises to him. That is a really hard thing to be ok with. So, anyhoo.... this weekend we went to Tyler's triathlon and I DID IT!!! I walked 5K!!!! wohooo! I didn't think I was going to be able to beforehand- but Sat was a good day and I felt totally normal. I have spent the past 3 days in bed afterward, but hey, got it done and had fun doing it! It was great... Laura, Connor, Hollee and her clan, my cousin Karla (and Mike & Brittney) were there too! I can't say how much it meant to me that they came. And I can't say how proud I am of Tyler for putting the whole event together. Just beaming inside! So, after the triathlon they held a St. Baldrick's shavathon to raise money for children's cancer research... for which Levi and Connor shaved their heads. It was hilarious to see Levi mid-shaved with a hula skirt!!! I was like, Oh my gosh... fast forward 20 years ladies!!! hahahahha. Cracked my butt up! It was really creepy to see him looking like a 60 year old!hahaha. Still making me giggle. And I had an epiphany while we were there... I'm bald and I finally don't care. I saw 2 young college girls shave their heads and I thought to myself... wow- to be that young age and not care what people think, to CHOOSE to shave their heads! If they can do THAT (and still be absolutely beautiful btw) then I'm done being insecure in public!!! I don't care about the stares anymore. I am done wearing my dumb bandannas and hats!!! (unless it is cold) I mean seriously Janet!!! Why have I been torturing myself? My head itches so bad when I wear them, beside the fact that I have hearing loss from chemo and when my ears are covered I really can't hear worth a crap! Then throw hot flashes (yes they are back with a vengeance) in the mix... and I am left wondering why I would put myself through that. Just so noone looks at me strange or pathetically?!? I'm over it. So, if I feel insecure... I will think about those girls, and that picture Ally put up on fb with the cartoon of all the Disney girls rocking it bald, and about every other woman out there who is fighting for their life, and remember that hair really doesn't matter-like AT ALL. I don't know what happened to me this time, I was so ok with it before. I guess I just loved my hair so much when it grew back, I remembered how it felt to feel like a woman, pretty. It was hard to let go of it again. I have to laugh though, because out of the blue last week Levi came up to me and said, "Mom, I think you look so much prettier bald. I didn't like that puffy, curly hair. It didn't look like you." He made my day!!! Thank you Levi! Gotta love kids for their honesty.

I've got to go so I get something done.... have a great day! Oh, 2 more things real quick- Jenni is coming home from WA next week!!!!!! I cannot wait to hang out with her! I wish I could see that girl all of the time! I love her so, so much and she keeps me laughing. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself!!! Also, I am scheduled for follow-up pet scan next week. YUCK! I don't wanna know!!! I am not going to get the results until the following week so I can have a great time with Jenni. Will post when I know... although it's a mute point to me. It is what it is, so who really cares what the scan says. I am so over scans lol.

Good morning! I have emerged from my chemo coma today! I am hungry and desperately need a shower, lol. So this round wasn't as bad as the first, of which I am so so thankful. I can do this. I meant to post before my last treatment but didn't get around to it. We had so much fun at the cabin! Who knew that Paul was such a good DJ? Ohhhh my, if only you could have seen it. We were a hot mess! But we sure had fun singing! I was so impressed with all of the emotion everyone put into their performances. Phil was swinging his mic, Lisa and I did some back-up dancing, it was awesome. Peg and Anne win for best voice though! And Chris was quite impressive too-that girl has serious stage presence! ... wish I had video of it all. The rest of us just thought we sounded good, hahaha. It was so good to get away and just have fun. We played scrabble- shout out to Scott, taboo (LOTS of taboo), went for a walk as it started snowing. Some of those ding-dongs got in the hot tub, we went out for Mexican, I don't know- just had a really nice, RELAXING weekend! It was great. Then I came home and Sarah had made me this absolutely beautiful collage for my wall to look at and focus on with my next treatment. It brought me to tears... I wasn't expecting it and it was so beautiful (see pic above). It has everything I need on it and is the most loving gift. God, I love that girl!!!

That's about it for now, I'm pooped just from writing this. Just wanted to be sure I let y'all know that I'm good.

I don't even know where to start. I read all of the comments from my latest post and oh my! I couldn't stop crying. It felt so good to read and feel the love, overwhelmingly so! Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! Wow, those prayers really got me, because "I'll be praying for you" is a fairly standard comment that I hear all of the time- and to be honest, doesn't really help me feel better. Or didn't anyway. I have heard it so much that I just started to feel like it's a standard line people say to me, undertsandably because what else are you going to say to someone whose cancer just keeps getting worse. That is how I was feeling about that- until I logged on with the intention of blogging last night and was so moved and overwhelmed I couldn't even write. I just cried (off and on for the rest of the night) and thanked God in my prayer to be so loved and cared about. It was one of my best nightly prayers with Levi by the way! I hope he remembers it for a long time- how much we are loved, how blessed we are, how much his mommy felt loved that night. I needed so badly to hear everything you guys wrote- I cannot express to you how it lifted my spirit and gave me comfort! This chemo I am taking is harder than I anticipated. I lost 12 pounds in a week if that tells you anything. I mean, I am fine now... but the week following treatment was horrible. I "lost" 3 days I was so out of it, thank God. The ones I remember- I don't want to. The truth is that this is becoming harder. I wish so bad they could put me in a medically induced coma for a week so I wouldn't have to endure the living hell I went through. But I guess one of my favorite quotes is so true- "if there were no suffering, there would be no compassion." Not that I am suffering, I hate that word. I am not!!! Once the chemo wears off I am all good. But that week after is unimaginable. I have no doubt at all that the enemy tried really hard to get his digs in this last round. I don't really want to put it all out there, but I have to. What is the point of my blogging if I am not completely honest? In a perfect world I want to write positive, uplifting things but I guess I'm certainly not living in a perfect world right now, lol. And I certainly wasn't positive with this last chemo round. I really struggled with it. When I did wake up it kind of felt like I had died and gone straight to hell... and I didn't care. I didn't have one single ounce of a good thought or feeling. I just layed there in my bed staring at the wall, feeling like my body was literally rotting from the inside out. I didn't care about anyone or anything. In my mind (at the time) I just wanted to die. I felt like I physically couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this whole nightmare to be over. All I could think to myself was please God make this stop! Just let me go God!!! I don't want to be here anymore! I hate this place and my family would be so much better off with me gone. Please God, just free them! Free me. I am not strong and I cannot endure this anymore. I didn't feel God anywhere. I felt nothing, just darkness. I remember when I finally did start getting out of bed with Paul's help, I would just cry. I would look into his eyes and just cry. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and begged him to let me stop it all. Ok, here's the main part I DO NOT want to write or admit to... but the thought crossed my mind to just swallow every pain pill I have in my cupboard. (Now listen.. I am NOT suicidal! And I would NEVER EVER take my life! EVER in a million years!!! So settle down Jill! Don't get all psycho on me and think I need counseling or antidepressants, etc.) That is just how badly I was feeling that that thought did cross my mind! Because I have never understood people taking their own life. First of all it's a sin, second I trust God with all of my heart and His plan for me and us, third I adore my life! I just was that low, physically and then spiritually from this chemo. So anyway, when those thoughts entered my head- that's when I remembered to pray. That is when "I" came back and started to think rationally. One night when everyone else was sleeping I was walking to the bathroom but I didn't make it there, I just kinda collapsed on the kitchen floor, kneeling down to beg God for strength. Physically, but more importantly spiritually. I felt so incredibly weary. I was telling Him how weary I was, how I cannot take one more step in my life. And then, mid prayer it came to me... Isaiah 40:31. I think the word weary triggered it. You know, I bet it was God that triggered it! So I just stayed there for the longest time, repeating over and over that verse. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And I kept saying, "God, help me to walk, help me to run, help me not to be weary anymore, my hope is in you." The next day I started feeling better. And each day got a little better.

Whew, it's all out there. I am quite uncomfortable writing all of this and I don't particularly like reliving it again, but it is what it is... my truth. I guess I just want for you to know the depth of the pit I was in- so that you can know what your prayers mean to me. I am NOT alone. And people don't just say I'll be praying for you. I am being carried and that is the most beautiful gift I could ever recieve!!! Ya know, I completely believe in Footprints in the Sand, but I also know now that the love from many beautiful souls carry me too! You guys are wonderful and I am so grateful. I'm so lucky! Funny thing too, at church Sunday the verse on the bulletin was Isaiah 40:31! And my pastor quoted it during the sermon. That's no co-inky-dink!!!!

So Paul and I are going away this weekend to our annual get-away to a cabin at Brookville Lake. Friends and family will all be there and I can't wait! I am almost 100% and I am not having pain anymore. I haven't had any since 1st day of chemo... thank you God!!! Hopefully it will be as fun as last year. I'm sure it will be thanks to my new karaoke machine, the hot tub, and lots of alcohol. Well, I can't drink- but they all can! I can't wait to hike there too. Not sure how far I will get but I am a pretty determined girl. And I am going to go to the store and buy stuff to make myself a board while we are there to hang by my bed to prepare for next friday's chemo. I want to put those 2 prayers from my comments on there and other stuff that is really beautiful to me so I have something happy, comforting, and positive to focus on next time. I REFUSE to let the next round be a repeat! I am spiritually preparing this time for sure! I will be ready and satan will not enter my room this time! I have officially kicked his ass to the curb! See ya! Well, actually I won't see him again... because God is way bigger than him and I will be protected this time. I will have my "armor" on and ready for battle. Wow, I am so dramatic, lol.

I have got to get going, so much to do today before I babysit Wyatt here in a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you every single person who helps carry me when I am weak. Mostly, thank you for your prayers for my family! Because THAT is the part of this whole deal that burdens my soul. The hardest part of cancer- is knowing the path they endure with me, because of me.

Oh, and in case you might be wondering why in the world I would even subject myself to this kind of chemo when nothing seems to be working... well, I had been given 2 choices at my last appointment with Dr. M. The first choice was hospice, and to even hear those words come out of his mouth made my heart sink. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, my God I feel fine! Ya, I started having pain in my belly a couple weeks ago... but at that moment I was up to 123 pounds, (which is the most I have weighed in almost 2 years) I have energy and function totally normally, my liver and all of my other organs are functioning perfectly fine. WHAT? hospice? Are you kidding me? Noooo way! I am not ok with just giving up or into this @#%#@ cancer!!! So the bottom line is that desperate times call for desperate measures, lol. I'm so desperate at this point to shrink down this crap growing in my liver that I will do just about anything! I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I cannot accept dying, just can't. I always knew my stubborness and determiniation would serve me well one day, hahaha. Dr. M even said that to read my reports you would picture someone not in good shape (I think he meant like on their death bed) and that it's mind-boggling to look at me. I physically don't match what is going on in my body. All praise to God for that btw. So he said he was willing, despite what colleages might call him crazy for, to treat me with this particular chemo again. I am happy that he won't give up on me either!!! So, it is true- never say never! I never thought I would choose this again, but it's my best option, my only option to fight to live!