CHEMO DAY! Last one! I have pushed it out of my mind until this morning, I think this one will be good. I got so sick with the last one, so today Dr. M is only giving me 3 chemos! YAY!!!!! The other one can damage the nerves in your GI tract, so no more of that one after how it affected me last time. I am kinda relieved, but it is wierd because I also kinda feel like I need that other one too. But I was at the smallest dose so they cant reduce it. Enough on that! I would start a new paragraph here, but this dumb site won't let me and I haven't been able to figure out how to change the format...I have tried many times, GRRRR! So, I haven't posted for a long time, couple reasons...I was pretty sad for about quite awhile, then I "lost" my other purse that contained my SD card adapter. I have been losing things way worse than normal. I am just like 10 second Tom from the movie 50 first dates, it is horrible & I am driving everyone nuts! So, I hate to admit it, but I was pretty low. I wouldn't say depressed, just sad. I was thinking alot about the future and the probability that this is what I will die from. So I spent 2 days straight on the couch literally crying whenever my eyes were open. Grieving, I guess. DO NOT get me wrong, I am not giving up...I have great hope and faith in miracles and I want desperately to be the one they say is defying all odds! BUT, I am not completely in denial, I know way too much about thymic cancer. I felt like diagnosis day all over again. I have done a really good job NOT thinking about the future. Then BOOM..it hit me hard. I ran into a brick wall. I TOTALLY trust God so incredibly much...with all of my heart and soul. I know He has a plan for each of us, and I trust Him with my children, my hubby, my sissy. But IF that plan involves me leaving, that just makes me sad beyond words. My soul aches at the thought. I guess when you have "terminal" cancer sometimes you can't help but think of these things. I want so much to live. It is hard when you feel so passionately about life & love and have such joy for it...to feel so full of life. And to know your body is failing you...its strange, doesn't match. So anyway, I got stuck for awhile thinking about everyone living with me gone. I am not going into details because I have to keep my spirit up today and I will fall apart if I think about it anymore. Then my birthday came...38! YAY!!! Was so happy to be here and have another birthday, then I started thinking about how many more I would have. I have just been in a funk, which is ok, good actually. I cannot deny those thoughts and feelings, I think its pretty normal for what I am going through. I just have to pull myself up and out of it, which I did, of course with alot of love from friends and family. And my gosh, what a huge list of people and great acts of love I recieved over the past week. It was absolutely overwhelming, how loved I feel. I am so blessed. My girls from my OB job came to visit me, and I feel awful because I was still pretty sad when they came, didn't feel like I was being me. But it was great to see them and their 2 beautiful baby boys! Amber, Amy, Sandy, and Emily...I love you so much & I miss so bad all the fun we used to have. And oh my gosh, they brought me a beautiful quilt they made with messages on each square from all my old working buddies. THANK YOU! I know how much work a quilt is and I love it! And Kris, thank you for my gifts! She got me a sweatshirt that is pink and says "fight like a girl" and all the girls signed it, it has a little boxing glove on it...hey, it is finally cold enough, now I can wear it today for chemo! LOVE it! Let's see, I have 4 beautiful fresh flower arrangements in my house right now from Paulie, the Duronia club, Bonnie & Mark, and my mama's rose garden. They are all so pretty. Then one day I was thinking I should go buy some mums for my front porch and a delivery basket came from my brother Doug & his family with fruit and a teddy bear and mums! lol.On my birthday Jill took me out for lunch and we went shopping...I will write about that one when I get home from chemo, GREAT STORY! Then Firday Lisa & Chris had a birthday party for me. There were so many people, it was the best b-day party I've ever had. Oh crap, I have to get ready to go. Will write later, there is so much to tell! And it is some funny stuff! I will continue soon. Wait till you see the pics! Hilarious!!!