Hello! I am feeling so much better today! Boy, yesterday was awfully tough. We went to my Dr. appt and "saw" the reality of my cancer progression on my pet scan... I am never looking at those again, lol. It's one thing to know it in your head... but to see your own body and all those stinking tumors filling up your insides, whew, it's a hard pill to swallow. And to hear the words, "it's about quality of life... blah, blah, blah." I HATE that phrase!!! Just hate it. Because I do so well living out loud and feeling really happy except when I get those damn scans. It is way better not knowing because I don't look (now that I have hair again- thank God) or feel "sick" at all! And that's the way I like it. I spent so much wasted, negative energy yesterday crying my eyes out the entire time at chemo. And it was the ugly cry, hahaha.I did good at my Dr. appt, but wow... when I walk into that stinking treatment room... and all those people lined up in chairs like a factory assembly line, looking frail and like they are dying. I just couldn't take it yesterday. I had to get up and go into the bathroom, where I fell onto the floor and sobbed and prayed. And when I got back into my chair I did ok, until I would look at Jill or Lisa, or when I would think. And that's not me! I refuse to give this cancer power over my happy little soul! That is who I am... happy-go-lucky, see the good in everything, spontaneous, fun, thankful... love my life. So that is where I am this morning, I absolutely refuse to grieve what "might" be. Proverbs 3:5... I trust Him with ALL of my heart, not gonna try to lean on my own undertsanding. amen. I mean... it is what it is, I can't control my destiny to a certain extent, and I am so totally blessed with a VERY good & happy life... so I choose to roll with that! I thought of the card Tim & Anne got me at the beginning of all of this... it said to be fierce. I loved that card and that word means so much to me. Fierce... I will be fierce about living my life to the absolute fullest! I am so lucky for how bad my cancer is that I have very little symptoms. Sometimes after I eat I have a little discomfort under my right ribs... but that's it! How awesome is that! I thank God every single day for feeling completely healthy. What an amazing gift, blessing. So.... thank you God again today... you rock!

I was so happy last night too... my brother David came over... it was so nice to hang out and talk. What a great way to turn the day around and end it on a good note. I also want to thank you- Sarah and Laura, I really don't know what I would do without you two! You are such treasures. You always know exactly the right thing to say to me to make me feel better. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. I am super excited, Laura is going to take a week off of work early September and spend it with me. I am so happy! I miss my girl so bad... and I desperately need her by my side :) yay!!! Then mid Sept. Paul Lisa, Phil, Levi, and I are going to Tops Sail Island in NC for an entire week! I want my other kids to go too... will have to see if they can get out of work/school. It was supposed to be just us 4 adults, but with how my health is- I want my babies (all 5 of them) with me too. I cannot wait! I love love love the ocean/beach! Although shark week is next week on TV, and they freak me out totally. And I just heard 2 very disturbing things... a little 4 yo girl was bitten by a shark recently in only 18 inches of water, and here's the kicker... Top Sail Beach is #3 beach for most shark infested waters! Someone may have been messing with me, I need to google that stat to verify! lol. Did I really pick that place? What was I thinking? Oh well, I don't really swim in the ocean, I just love to walk the beachline in shallow water and hunt for crabs at night, and collect shells. I think that just may be my favorite thing in the world to do. And I am super excited because the Ritz in Ft. Lauderdale gave us a book on building kick ass sand castles and a beach cookbook that we will for sure use in NC. Awww, I am thinking about Christine from there. She was so loving, a great lady. I will never forget her hug she gave me when we left. :) I need to send her an email.

Jill, Lisa, and esp Paulie... want you to know HOW MUCH I love you and I am so sorry for what you have to go through on my bad days, that is what pains me so, so deeply! But thank you for taking such good care of me and holding me up when I can't stand. How lucky am I to have people who love me so much! That's what it is all about, huh? Sticking together through everything. And even though it is so hard and feels unbearable at times, we have more good and happy times together than bad... and when you put it all together, it makes life so beautiful. All of it. Despite cancer, we are so blessed to have eachother and love eachother like we do. :) :) :)

Hope whoever is reading this takes the time to choose to be happy today and not waste time fighting, being angry, sad, or depressed. Be love, give love... always.always. always.

p.s. Laura, I hope you have enjoyed your reign as scrabble champion, but I will redeem myself... and you will NOT win again! I promise you. hahaha.

So, I have new pet scan results... liver tumors are bigger and there are several new ones! (in just 6 weeks while getting chemo) Pretty much sucks, but what are you gonna do? Chin up and fight on!!! I see my doctor in the morning and I am really eager to start a new chemo. I haven't had any for almost 3 weeks, my platelets were too low again. Which kinda made me suspect that the chemo wasn't working too well. But at the time all I heard was I'd be getting a chemo break, and was like wohooo! NOOOO chemo... I am totally down with that. hahaha. Now I am like, hurry up and shoot me up with some poison! Like, yesterday! lol. I researched stuff online all weekend and I am VERY excited about 1 drug that has helped several thymic cancer patients that are refractory to standard, current therapies available. One dude went 9 months with no progression of disease, idk what has happened to him since.. but I would give just about anything for my shit not to grow for 9 months! But, of course, it isn't FDA approved for thymic cancer yet (grrr) so I pulled some case reports for my doc to fight insurance co to get it approved/paid for. So please say a prayer for me that I can get this drug... I need it BAD, REAL BAD! It is the only drug I have found that has worked with late stage TC that are resistant to other chemos. And my cancer is growing just about as fast as the weeds in my garden, lol. And at this point I am really frustrated, pissed off actually. I am so ready for one of these chemos to do something for a change! But, idk, maybe they are (slowing it) working a little. Maybe if I weren't getting these drugs I wouldn't be here right now... who knows. So, I just have to have courage and keep on keepin on :) I gave Paul a John Wayne frame that says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway!" I just love that quote, so true! OK, enough on that... I am done talking and thinking about dumb cancer! (well, after my appt in the morning.)

Other news; My cousins Karla & mike, their daughter Brittney, and my Uncle Karl came to visit me on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing them & spending time with them. We got all caught up and had some good laughs. Planning on a girls night in the fall. Will be fun time, can't wait.

Also, Ty is done working at Lowes until he goes back to Ashland and I am sooo happy! I have hardly seen him all summer and I miss my boy. Hoping to spend some good time together over next couple of weeks. I just love that kid! He is funny, so sweet, good to talk to.... wise beyond his years. It's funny, I'm supposed to be the mom, but he helps me so much to "get through" some of my rough moments. His faith is AMAZING! I love that about him so much. He has never changed who he is for anyone, always stood his ground with his values and beliefs. I'm so proud of the man he is. Oh, funny story- last week he was working, came home for dinner, went back to work. I knew he was working until 9 and at 10pm I thought, maybe it was until 10pm. Now I have to tell you, Tyler always asks permission to go anywhere, even though he is almost 19. It's so sweet. So, anyhoo... I fell asleep on the couch waiting up for him, wondering where in the world he was. I woke up at 1am totally panicked. Jill had come here after work and was awake so I asked her to check if Ty's car was here. She went outside and said nope. Then I started the OCD text messages and phone calls to his cell. No response, no answer. Jill tried to call her house to see if he had gone there after work, but no answer- everyone was obviously sound asleep. By 2am I was freaking out! I called his aunt, grandma, friends. He was nowhere. Then I called the po-po with a knot in my stomach. This isn't Tyler, he would never not let me know where he was, he'd never stay out all night. (If this had been Jess I'd just be irritated that she was doing this & wouldn't be worried or scared at all.) So whoever I talked to said there had been no accidents and since he was 18, not much I can do. I explained the situation and she said she would have a sheriff return my call right away. I was debating which way Tyler would have driven to work so I could go drive the route. I went and woke up Paul, extremely stressed out... and Paul said, "He came home from work, took a shower and went to Jill's." I thought to myself, what??? HOW did I miss that??? I mean, I know my memory is awful, but come on. I was so exhausted (at this point it was 3am) that I decided to believe him. Paul is always on it. The phone rang, I told the sheriff I felt like an idiot, but we knew where he was, thank God! I tried to fall asleep but something kept nagging me that Paul was not fully awake and didn't know what the heck he was saying. Ty would have told me!!! I finally fell asleep at about 4:30 am. OK, so heres the funny part... I wake up at 7ish to find a note from Jill... seems Tyler was home in bed the WHOLE time!!! She just didn't "see" his car in the driveway. He had pulled up farther than normal so it was blocked from view. OMG!!! I was so tired that entire next day after being up all night for NOTHING!!! I coulda killed her, lol. He was laughing his butt off when he looked at his phone that morning...why hadn't I just checked his bed? Gooooood question. hahaha

Other news... Levi is almost as tall as me and it is freaking me out! He has been my little baby boy for so long, but I cannot deny any longer that puberty has arrived. So sad! He is in the "I am too cool to hold your hand or act like I love you in front of anyone" phase and it is killing me. He has been talking about adult things that I didn't even know he knew! I knew it was coming, just not ready for it. I keep reminding him that he promised to still hold my hand and be snuggly with me forever, even when he is a teenager and a grown man. I guess I shouldn't expect it in public. And he does still love on me at home as long as noone else is around, guess that'll have to suffice. Ohhh, I am not ready for this. I want my baby to stay a baby forever, lol. He did say, "I love you mom" in front of his friends, so that is totally cool. Hope that never changes. He is so adorable and he makes me laugh so much. He is hilarious. I can't believe some of the things he comes up with.But I laugh after he is out of earshot, I try not to encourage him. I have to be "mom". He reminds me so much of me sometimes it's scary!

Real quick, because I am really tired & about to fall asleep... Jess is doing awesome, she looks and feels great. She is such a good little momma. Makes my heart absolutely melt when I watch her with Wyatt. I can't believe sometimes that that's my little girl holding her little baby. I remember so clearly holding her that way, looking at her that way, singing to and rocking her. It just makes me smile and feel so happy inside. Zack is so sweet with him too, I just LOVE it! He is a lucky, blessed little baby, that's for sure. He couldn't be loved more, especially by his gigi! :) I freaking adore him! Being a grandma is unbelievably awesome, no words really. I just can't wait for him to smile and "talk" to me :) ok, going to bed. nighty night!

Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't posted in so long. Been so busy with the arrival of my new grandbaby, going to Indian Lake, treatments, and then I was sick last week. So, quick post... as I am at Peggy's house right now... and I got a verbal beating for not blogging! So little Wyatt Joseph Baird was born on June 26th, after 22 hours of labor & a c-section... thank God baby and mom are healthy and happy. He is sooooooo stinkin beautiful!!! And he has the best little personality... laid back, never cries. Well, hardly ever. Just when he wants his GiGi to hold him. lol. I have been on cloud nine since his birth. Even when I was sick last week, there are no bad days... just look over and see his lil sweet face, ahhhh... life is gooood. If you wanna see his newborn pics just check me out on facebook. ( I never really get on there except to put pics up, haha). Anyhoo, I promise I will blog more... I have been being harrassed about this alot lately. But I gtg for now, we are having a cookout at Jim & Peg's, sitting at their beautiful tiki bar having drinks and having fun with friends. What a great night. Tim, Anne, Lisa, Phil.... hurry up and get here! Ohhhh, "come sail away" just came on the radio... we all sound so good singing! heeheehee. peace out for now! oh, and 2morrow we are getting a swimming pool... WOHOOOOO!!!!! yay, yay, yay!!!!! Cannot wait!!!!

So, here are some Indian Lake pictures so far this summer. We've been having a good time up there. This past week has been pretty good! I got my new chemo, its not too bad... just feel tired alot, if that's it... I'll take it! My hair is coming back in, this time I'm blonde! I'll take that too!!! Thank God it isn't pure snow white again, that was hard to swallow. It was pretty freaky looking in the mirror and seeing 80 years old on the top of my head, hahaha. I told Paul now I'm gonna be like a playboy bunny, lol. So I went to Kings Island with Angie, Dana, and all our kids... so much fun! I looooove roller coasters and it had been a long time since I had rode one. It suprised me though, because Levi (who fears nothing!) was afraid to ride the big ones. I think I pretty much scarred him when he was little- when I made him ride and laughed the whole time when he wasn't really digging it so much. Hopefully he will get back on that horse someday. But we rode some fun smaller ones, swam, and did old time portraits... which I have to say he looked so cute in his old, wild west clothing! He was loving the guns they had, imagine that! It was a great day. Thanks Angie & Dana! Other than that just been spending time at the lake, fishing & swimming. Levi is on a mission; there is a monster catfish he is bound & determined to catch. It broke his line, so we got a new line and weighted hook that will hold 60 pounds.. I'll let you know when he catches it!Jill and the kids came up, Tobi came home from Louisiana before he heads off to Guam. I love that boy! And, as you can see in the pic above, I had great fun painting his friend, Nick's toes while he slept by the fire. Ahhh, good times! I have to go for now, it took way to long to upload these pics and I have much to do today. Oh, I almost forgot... Jess is dilated to 2cm!!! woop!woop! Wyatt is on his way soon! Can't wait to kiss those lil fat cheeks! They look VERY fat on the U/S from last week. heeheehee. Will post again soon... have a wonderful day! I will! :)

Well, I just read what i wrote this morning... and I am sorry for cursing like that. So, that was Sybil (my alternate personality)... I am back now. lol. I feel so much better. Jill and I took the boys to the pool and it was a beautiful, sunny day, for which I am so thankful. Summer and the sun make it really hard not to have a good day. I got all of that out this am, then I was like... ok janet, don't waste a day... on with it. I have to not think about the future. It's funny, I have such an easy time leaving the past in the past. But it's much harder to only live in the present. But today I feel great, like I said- it doesn't even feel like I have cancer, so I'm gonna roll with that... just kinda pretend I don't. I am going to try my best to absolutely enjoy every moment I am given. And that won't be difficult at all! Levi is out of school for the summer, yay yay yay! And little Wyatt will be here in a couple of weeks! LIFE IS GOOOOD! And ya know... there are so many ways this could be worse... my kids, husband, family, and friends are healthy! I would rather it be me ANY day rather than them. What about people who can't have children, or lose their children, or many other worse scenarios out there that other people are living and suffering. And like I said, I feel totally normal, so that is truly amazing and awesome. Update; I am not going to take this lying down... so I go to IU in Indianapolis tomorrow to see the thymic cancer guru in the nation- we'll see what he has to say/offer, and then Monday we are traveling to Pittsburg to a liver cancer center. They got me in so fast- thank God. I will not give up hope... I REFUSE!!!! And I will not become some pathetic, depressed Debbie Downer chic either! Chin up high... let's roll! Cause I don't have time for this crap, need to get it fixed! There's always a first to be cured from something, right? I pray it's me! And until I'm dead... I believe it can happen! I will continue to hope beyond hope and trust God with ALL of my heart. I will not lean unto my own understanding (prov 3:5) but live on blind faith in His plan for me and all of us.

Well, yesterday was a rough day... we found out my pet scan results. There is good and bad news to report. Lets do the good first! So, the 5 tumors in my left lung are GONE, there are no tumors in my abdomen or diaphragm, the 3 tumors in the bottom of my lungs are "stable" -they havent grown & aren't as "active" as they were before, the questionable area at the base of my skull has not changed at all!!! YAY!!! (although I was thinking for sure I had mets to my brain because my "chemo brain" has been terrible, I cant remember anything. I'm serious- I'm like 10 second Tom in the movie 50 First Dates... and thats NOOO exaggeration. hahaha. Just ask Jill or Paul. It's real bad. Ok, so , deep breath... now my liver is full of tumors despite 4 months of chemo. If you could have seen the scan... I mean FULL! The biggest one is 2cm, the rest are 1cm or less. There are "at least" 9 of them. It looked like too many to count to me. It is so surreal because I feel wonderful! I guess that's the blessing in this mess. I feel thankful for that... I really do. Because what kills me in all of this is what my family is enduring. That is why cancer sucks for me. I am the cause of so much pain and there isnt ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING I can do to stop it, take it away, protect them!!! And, let's be honest... I know from watching our sister Terry die from this, well, I know exactly what they are going through. So, since I'm being honest about my feelings today... I just feel like really God? REALLY? This is toooo much to bear! My heart can't take it! I can't describe what it is like to talk to my daughter about promising to be a "mom" for her little brother if I die. Or hearing Tyler say, "that's good mom, cuz the liver regenerates itself," and having to explain how bad it is. Or going to my 12 year old son and telling him things don't look so good- I don't know how I manage those moments. Especially Levi... he is just a baby!!! He needs a mommy, he needs me! And I need him too! THEY ALL THREE ARE JUST BABIES!!!I am so filled with despair. It's hard to just function. It's so hard to go through the day, to try to not take it for granted, be filled with joy for the day at hand. Because if I think about the reality of what is happening in my body, it just fills me with fear and dread. This is such a mind fuck. It's really hard to process, to believe. I DO NOT feel sick or like I have cancer at all. Are they looking at the right scan? I don't even know what to pray. I told jill that last night... I've got nothin. I have prayed everything possible... for God's will to be done, for strength, for hope,for my faith to remain unwavering, for alot of time- specifically to make it till Levi is grown, for God to carry me when I can't even stand up, for a miracle, for my children, my Paulie, my family, my friends, and I have had alot of prayers praising and thanking God for all of my blessings, for this beautiful life, the joy I feel living here having this awesome life, blah blah blah. My prayers are endless... until yesterday. I just feel numb. HOW CAN THIS BE???? I am only 38 years old! There are so many people out there pissing away their lives, who don't care about it... it's not fair, I freaking adore my life and all the people I love. I do not want to lose it.I mean, I'm totally good with my eternal life... just not yet! I guess there is a prayer for me for today... just not yet God... please, I am BEGGING. So this is cancer and I hate it... and that is why I didn't want to get another pet scan. I was in a perfectly happy place, at peace, actually had almost totally forgotten about cancer, just living and loving life... no worries. Then boom. I want so bad to erase all of this ranting and rewrite it with a positive attitude, because this is not how I am. But this is the truth of what cancer does to you. It may not be all of the time, but this is my battle... these are the demons that come with it.

Wow! What a great weekend! My little girl got MARRIED!!! It was soooo beautiful, outside at Clifton Mill, with the sun shining. It was just very intimate and romantic and heartfelt. She was absolutely radiant, beaming with love and joy. Hearing them say their vows took my breath away. It's the best wedding I have ever been to... and I am not saying that because it's my daughter! It was PERFECT! And I am so thankful for the man who is now my son, what a blessing to our family! It was such a happy day, and I only cried once during prayer- so noone saw me, lol. I got all the crying out the day before when I picked up her bouquet and cake. I could not stop the tears... it felt like when they got on the big yellow bus for the first time. I used to say "bittersweet", but it was alllll sweet! They were very, very happy tears and I'm just thankful I was there! I am so very excited for her, for the beginning of her adult life. Zack will take such good care of her& I know they are going to be really happy together. And.... I CANNOT wait much longer for little Wyatt! Come on baby and get here... granny needs to kiss you all over! The anticipation is killing me!!! Ok, maybe granny doesn't work, hahaha. I don't like "grandma", but I don't know what else to call myself. Oh well, I'll just let him pick a name for me :)

That's all I've got for today, it is TOO hot to be sitting here without the a/c on yet. I'll upload some pics later. Hurry up & get home from work Paulie and put those window units in!!! jeesh. ( I guess I am the one who wanted country living, haha.)