Good morning! I have emerged from my chemo coma today! I am hungry and desperately need a shower, lol. So this round wasn't as bad as the first, of which I am so so thankful. I can do this. I meant to post before my last treatment but didn't get around to it. We had so much fun at the cabin! Who knew that Paul was such a good DJ? Ohhhh my, if only you could have seen it. We were a hot mess! But we sure had fun singing! I was so impressed with all of the emotion everyone put into their performances. Phil was swinging his mic, Lisa and I did some back-up dancing, it was awesome. Peg and Anne win for best voice though! And Chris was quite impressive too-that girl has serious stage presence! ... wish I had video of it all. The rest of us just thought we sounded good, hahaha. It was so good to get away and just have fun. We played scrabble- shout out to Scott, taboo (LOTS of taboo), went for a walk as it started snowing. Some of those ding-dongs got in the hot tub, we went out for Mexican, I don't know- just had a really nice, RELAXING weekend! It was great. Then I came home and Sarah had made me this absolutely beautiful collage for my wall to look at and focus on with my next treatment. It brought me to tears... I wasn't expecting it and it was so beautiful (see pic above). It has everything I need on it and is the most loving gift. God, I love that girl!!!

That's about it for now, I'm pooped just from writing this. Just wanted to be sure I let y'all know that I'm good.

I don't even know where to start. I read all of the comments from my latest post and oh my! I couldn't stop crying. It felt so good to read and feel the love, overwhelmingly so! Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! Wow, those prayers really got me, because "I'll be praying for you" is a fairly standard comment that I hear all of the time- and to be honest, doesn't really help me feel better. Or didn't anyway. I have heard it so much that I just started to feel like it's a standard line people say to me, undertsandably because what else are you going to say to someone whose cancer just keeps getting worse. That is how I was feeling about that- until I logged on with the intention of blogging last night and was so moved and overwhelmed I couldn't even write. I just cried (off and on for the rest of the night) and thanked God in my prayer to be so loved and cared about. It was one of my best nightly prayers with Levi by the way! I hope he remembers it for a long time- how much we are loved, how blessed we are, how much his mommy felt loved that night. I needed so badly to hear everything you guys wrote- I cannot express to you how it lifted my spirit and gave me comfort! This chemo I am taking is harder than I anticipated. I lost 12 pounds in a week if that tells you anything. I mean, I am fine now... but the week following treatment was horrible. I "lost" 3 days I was so out of it, thank God. The ones I remember- I don't want to. The truth is that this is becoming harder. I wish so bad they could put me in a medically induced coma for a week so I wouldn't have to endure the living hell I went through. But I guess one of my favorite quotes is so true- "if there were no suffering, there would be no compassion." Not that I am suffering, I hate that word. I am not!!! Once the chemo wears off I am all good. But that week after is unimaginable. I have no doubt at all that the enemy tried really hard to get his digs in this last round. I don't really want to put it all out there, but I have to. What is the point of my blogging if I am not completely honest? In a perfect world I want to write positive, uplifting things but I guess I'm certainly not living in a perfect world right now, lol. And I certainly wasn't positive with this last chemo round. I really struggled with it. When I did wake up it kind of felt like I had died and gone straight to hell... and I didn't care. I didn't have one single ounce of a good thought or feeling. I just layed there in my bed staring at the wall, feeling like my body was literally rotting from the inside out. I didn't care about anyone or anything. In my mind (at the time) I just wanted to die. I felt like I physically couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted this whole nightmare to be over. All I could think to myself was please God make this stop! Just let me go God!!! I don't want to be here anymore! I hate this place and my family would be so much better off with me gone. Please God, just free them! Free me. I am not strong and I cannot endure this anymore. I didn't feel God anywhere. I felt nothing, just darkness. I remember when I finally did start getting out of bed with Paul's help, I would just cry. I would look into his eyes and just cry. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and begged him to let me stop it all. Ok, here's the main part I DO NOT want to write or admit to... but the thought crossed my mind to just swallow every pain pill I have in my cupboard. (Now listen.. I am NOT suicidal! And I would NEVER EVER take my life! EVER in a million years!!! So settle down Jill! Don't get all psycho on me and think I need counseling or antidepressants, etc.) That is just how badly I was feeling that that thought did cross my mind! Because I have never understood people taking their own life. First of all it's a sin, second I trust God with all of my heart and His plan for me and us, third I adore my life! I just was that low, physically and then spiritually from this chemo. So anyway, when those thoughts entered my head- that's when I remembered to pray. That is when "I" came back and started to think rationally. One night when everyone else was sleeping I was walking to the bathroom but I didn't make it there, I just kinda collapsed on the kitchen floor, kneeling down to beg God for strength. Physically, but more importantly spiritually. I felt so incredibly weary. I was telling Him how weary I was, how I cannot take one more step in my life. And then, mid prayer it came to me... Isaiah 40:31. I think the word weary triggered it. You know, I bet it was God that triggered it! So I just stayed there for the longest time, repeating over and over that verse. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And I kept saying, "God, help me to walk, help me to run, help me not to be weary anymore, my hope is in you." The next day I started feeling better. And each day got a little better.

Whew, it's all out there. I am quite uncomfortable writing all of this and I don't particularly like reliving it again, but it is what it is... my truth. I guess I just want for you to know the depth of the pit I was in- so that you can know what your prayers mean to me. I am NOT alone. And people don't just say I'll be praying for you. I am being carried and that is the most beautiful gift I could ever recieve!!! Ya know, I completely believe in Footprints in the Sand, but I also know now that the love from many beautiful souls carry me too! You guys are wonderful and I am so grateful. I'm so lucky! Funny thing too, at church Sunday the verse on the bulletin was Isaiah 40:31! And my pastor quoted it during the sermon. That's no co-inky-dink!!!!

So Paul and I are going away this weekend to our annual get-away to a cabin at Brookville Lake. Friends and family will all be there and I can't wait! I am almost 100% and I am not having pain anymore. I haven't had any since 1st day of chemo... thank you God!!! Hopefully it will be as fun as last year. I'm sure it will be thanks to my new karaoke machine, the hot tub, and lots of alcohol. Well, I can't drink- but they all can! I can't wait to hike there too. Not sure how far I will get but I am a pretty determined girl. And I am going to go to the store and buy stuff to make myself a board while we are there to hang by my bed to prepare for next friday's chemo. I want to put those 2 prayers from my comments on there and other stuff that is really beautiful to me so I have something happy, comforting, and positive to focus on next time. I REFUSE to let the next round be a repeat! I am spiritually preparing this time for sure! I will be ready and satan will not enter my room this time! I have officially kicked his ass to the curb! See ya! Well, actually I won't see him again... because God is way bigger than him and I will be protected this time. I will have my "armor" on and ready for battle. Wow, I am so dramatic, lol.

I have got to get going, so much to do today before I babysit Wyatt here in a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you every single person who helps carry me when I am weak. Mostly, thank you for your prayers for my family! Because THAT is the part of this whole deal that burdens my soul. The hardest part of cancer- is knowing the path they endure with me, because of me.

Oh, and in case you might be wondering why in the world I would even subject myself to this kind of chemo when nothing seems to be working... well, I had been given 2 choices at my last appointment with Dr. M. The first choice was hospice, and to even hear those words come out of his mouth made my heart sink. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, my God I feel fine! Ya, I started having pain in my belly a couple weeks ago... but at that moment I was up to 123 pounds, (which is the most I have weighed in almost 2 years) I have energy and function totally normally, my liver and all of my other organs are functioning perfectly fine. WHAT? hospice? Are you kidding me? Noooo way! I am not ok with just giving up or into this @#%#@ cancer!!! So the bottom line is that desperate times call for desperate measures, lol. I'm so desperate at this point to shrink down this crap growing in my liver that I will do just about anything! I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I cannot accept dying, just can't. I always knew my stubborness and determiniation would serve me well one day, hahaha. Dr. M even said that to read my reports you would picture someone not in good shape (I think he meant like on their death bed) and that it's mind-boggling to look at me. I physically don't match what is going on in my body. All praise to God for that btw. So he said he was willing, despite what colleages might call him crazy for, to treat me with this particular chemo again. I am happy that he won't give up on me either!!! So, it is true- never say never! I never thought I would choose this again, but it's my best option, my only option to fight to live!

Medical update:

Cancer Treatment Center of America was a bust! Well, not totally... they were very nice and treated me in a way I hadn't yet experienced with regard to healthcare. It was a very happy, positive place to be. But, like everywhere else, they didn't really have anything else to offer me because thymic cancer is so rare and pretty much noone knows what to do. Turns out I am not a candidate for theraspheres or radiation to my liver because there are too many tumors. So... plan B!!! Tomorrow (fri) I am starting another chemo. Going back to the 1st round of chemo I ever had. Which I'm stoked about actually. It is the only treatment I got that put me into remission... and it has been long enough between treatments that I can do it again. Downslide is that it is 3 chemos that are kick ass- as in kick my ass! lol. So I am just praying with all my heart that it does what it did the first time, therefore worth going through. Oh, and I will be bald again :( I am so, so sad about that- but it is what it is, so I just have to chin up, bandana on, and take it one day at a time!!! I will get it every 3 weeks if my body/blood counts can take it... so here goes! Once again, LET'S ROLL!!!

p.s. All my thanks to God for this option :) I pray I will feel it burning the crap out of my liver and destroy whats trying to destroy me. May God work through my doctor, nurses, and medicine to heal my body. amen.

I AM SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!! I spoke with the people at Cancer Treatment Centers of America today (I finally have insurance that covers them woop! woop!) and I am filled with a brand spankin new sense of hope and encouragement. I don't know why, because the good Lord knows I have been steadfast in my faith, but I feel different in my heart of hearts right now. I actually believe I can be healed of this cancer, I don't know if I will be, but I- for the first time- REALLY believe it's possible. Okay, I am sooo out of control with thoughts at the moment... let me stick to the CTCA deal. First of all I will be going this month, hopefully in approximately 2 wks if we can get all the records, blah blah blah. You should see my file by the way- it's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever seen one so thick, hahaha. It doesn't even contain all the papers properly, they need to start vol 2 before the binding breaks. I'll take a pic of it with my cell phone next week so you can see what I'm talking about. Well, if I can remember! Secondly, the guy I spoke to on the phone was very uplifting and hopeful. And that was such a great feeling, to be talked to with hope. He was talking about treating my whole body, spirit, and mind so that my immune system can be at top form to be able to fight the cancer. He talked to me about stress management (counseling and massages for both Paul and I etc), receiving pastoral care,having a dietitian consult for nutritional counseling to fight the cancer (which I am totally big into right now), acupuncture, seeing a medical oncologist, surgical oncologist, radiation oncologist, a naturopathic Dr. for vitamins, supplements, and herbs that my body needs (specifically for my body based on blood work they will do). Yada yada yada... it goes on and on. I am so excited about all of this because I do know that in order to heal myself from this cancer my immune system has to be restored, as well as my spirit and my mind. So... the unexpected news from my phone consultation was this... I may (or may not) be a candidate for a fairly new treatment for liver cancer. Greeeat, I can't remember what it is called. Hold on, Zack just got up and told me... therasphere! hahaha, wow, I really have some serious short term memory problems. Anyhoo, they run a catheter from your groin into your hepatic artery and inject up to 8 million tiny glass spheres loaded with yttrium that go directly to all of the capillaries feeding my tumors and radiate the crap out of them!!! heeheehee. It makes me giggle an evil little laugh to think I may have another option still available that could destroy or seriously stun my stupid tumors!I just visualize that happening and I am so so happy. I would love nothing more than to zap all those invaders! THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!! All I ever hear is, "palliative care," or "it's about the quality of life," or "we can try 1 chemo at a time and see if anything works" (looking at me with sad, puppy dog, I'm so sorry eyes) Wellll, HA! I might be a candidate for a whole lot more! I'm not going to managed by pharmaceutical companies alone anymore! There is hope for me yet!!! Yay! super Yay! Super thank you Jesus! I hope you will pray for me (and pray hard!) that they will be able to do that therasphere stuff to my liver. And I will be praying for guidance and wisdom on my new little path I'm taking. I hope that God will use this place/journey to help me find a new way of life :) One of COMPLETE trust and without fear! Fear has got to go! And I know better! Oh my gosh I can't wait to get there! There is an additional bonus as well- it will be a nice trip & alone time (noooo kids!) with my man! We haven't really had that since Galveston during the summer 2010. It'll be sooooo nice! Wow, I just really can't believe that I may have another treatment option! This is so exciting! I hope with ALL of my heart and soul, and I pray :) because through Him all things... ANYthing is possible!

One more thing really quickly... I was on the CTCA website and saw that they also provide reiki therapy! All I could think of was the Modern Family episode when that reiki freak (imposter) was living in Lily's outside playhouse. Bahahahaha! So I don't think there is any way I could ever have that done on my trip! Omgosh that show makes me laugh!

So, I just got home and I shouldn't have had that cappuccino at The Cheesecake Factory, I am wired! What a great night!!! Jill and I met Kim Dewey and Dianne Clark (she's in from L.A.) for dinner... it was so wonderful to see them, it's been a couple of decades I think. Love those girls and it was so good to laugh so much. My gosh, Kim's memory is freakish. I love hearing about things I would never have remembered for the rest of my life. But that is pretty much a daily basis for me as I can't remember yesterday, lol.
Well, Christmas was wonderful! I got a new Shark Steam Vac- LOVE IT! And a beautiful family tree necklace, a food processor to puree my veggies, a Bed & Breakfast gift from my kids for Paul and I. Oh, and Santa brought us a dual mic karaoke machine with 60 top hits cd!!! Now the kids can listen to me sing really loud, and let me tell you I have a great singing voice! hahaha. It was overwhelming. But the best part was giving everyone their quilts I made. But poor Levi... thank God he knows the truth this year, because I forgot about filling the stockings. That was bad enough... but (oh it gets even better) then after we were all done unwrapping presents I asked Levi if he was excited about his new X Box games... he said he didn't get any. After a couple of hours (I couldn't remember where I hid them) I finally found them, along with all of his other presents that I forgot to wrap!!! Later that evening when I watched our video I realized that while the rest of us opened gifts, Levi just sat patiently watching. OHHHHH MY GOSSSHHH!!! Worst feeling ever! Mom of the year! lol. He was so sweet though, never said a word and was thankful for the couple gifts he had opened. Now that is totally chemo brain because I have never and WOULD NEVER EVER do that! I'm just so thankful that they could laugh about it. And Levi was so, so sweet. He was saying that it was ok, he got plenty. He was probably thinking- it sucks that there isn't a Santa and on top of that my parents forgot me! I'm sure I will probably never live this one down!
This has been such a good time though. I love having Tyler home!!! I have missed him terribly since he's been away at college. And Paul and I have been going on dates which I love. Jess and Zack got a house- awesome! I am so happy for them. It's only half a mile away thank God! Because I am pretty attached to my little,ok not so little, baby Wyatt. I babysit him, so he's like pretty much my world every day. He has grown so much and I love watching his little personality develop. He's going to be a little wild man I believe. I just love little boys, and that one has my heart for sure! I think my favorite thing is when I rock him to sleep at nap time and we both hum until he falls asleep. If I stop humming he cries. He has to be rubbing either me or a soft blanket with his fat, little hand. It just melts my heart. This week I got him a swimsuit and shark hat for next summer. I will upload the pic later. I can't wait to introduce him to our pool. He's going to be a lil water baby. Ahhhh, summer! I wish it were here. I know I said earlier I couldn't wait for snow, to build an igloo & snowman, blah blah blah! What a bunch of crap! I'm totally over it. I hate being cold and I miss being outside. Spring can't get here fast enough! At least I have some plans to look forward to though. In February we are going back to the cabin for a long weekend at Brookville Lake with Tim & Anne, Jim & Peg, and Lisa & Phil. Then the BOMB Squad is packing up and taking a road trip south!!! How fun will that be?!? For those of you who don't know- bomb squad is a group of local friends/moms that we formed a few years back. It stands for band of moms bonding (or getting bombed together lol) We used to get together on a regular basis and have pajama parties and get-togethers with NO kids or husbands! We all have our code names/alter egos and it's a blast when we get together. So many different personalities and lots of laughs. I can't wait to go on this trip!
Well- it worked! I am so sleepy now. Will sign off and post again soon with some pictures. Night night :)

THANK YOU everyone for your comments, posts, and texts!!! I well up with tears of happiness and feel so comforted by all of you. I feel the love!!!! I am so very grateful for every single person who touches my life!!! I don't know why I am on this path... but I DO trust God completely and my prayer is this: That through my journey, God's love will be felt by someone who didn't know or feel it before. That I can teach someone, even if it's just 1 person, that love is all that matters in the end! That if you trust, if you have unwaivering faith, if you see your life through the eyes of our Father and reeeeally see every good thing He has given and does for us... then it WILL BE a beautiful, amazing, happy life filled with contentment and JOY. We cannot let our troubles be the focus of our existence! It's not about the past, or finding happiness in the future- it really is so simple... it is about this very moment and trying our best to be a source of laughter, love, and kindness to everyone we touch. I pray that His light shines through me, so you can all see how A-M-A-Z-I-N-G-L-Y much we are loved by Him. And I am so thankful today for this huge celebration we are all about to start... it is the BESTEST birthday party of the year! Holla! I can't wait !!! Have fun everyone!!!! God's blessings to you and yours!!!!

I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!! Besides the fact that I am not really jaundice and going into liver failure- I'm just turning from yellow to orange from too much carrot juice, bahahaha! Apparently a qt. a day is too much (but that is what my research said I needed to drink to stop my cancer lol) The really great news is that SOMETHING I am doing is working!!! My LDH level, which measures -how do I explain this, well it kinda measures the tissue waste from the cancer growth, anyway- it was 410 last month (normal range is 140-280) and this month it is 348!!!! wohooooo! Let me explain to you that THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD NEWS I HAVE HAD IN 11 MONTHS! I never, I mean never, get good news from anything medically related! hahaha. BUT I DID TODAY! Mmmmm Hmmmm, sure did! Hold on... ok, just did a little dance! Jess and Zack didn't appreciate it, but I think I have some pretty sweet moves! So... now I am perplexed... is it the ionized /alkaline water I am drinking, the overdosing on my raw veggie diet, or the new chemo? I have heard many stories about stage 4 people doing the carrot juice thing and stopping their cancer, same with the raw vegetable diet. But I am on gemzar now and that is new for me too. Oh, by the way- the only reason I am able to get the gemzar is because of the kangen water I started drinking- I am POSITIVE of this! (THANK YOU and huge shout out to Tammy!) Because I have always had serious platelet problems and have not been able to get my chemo 2 weeks in a row for months, but I started that water and my plts went up to 124 in one week, 1st time they've been over 100 in MONTHS! And I have gotten treatment as scheduled 3 times in a row now! Which is crazy. It is ionized water from this machine you hook up to your water line that has more antioxidants in it than if you ate every food with them for a week, in just 1 glass. It also is alkaline (hard for cancer to grow, it likes an acidic environment)and it detoxifies your body. So, I don't know what is working here, but I really don't care at this point, I'm just so relieved! Even if I look like an oompa loopma! hahahahaha. I am really giggling out loud with joy! Especially after this week... Levi (looking scared to death with huge tears in his eyes)asked me if this was going to be my last Christmas out of the blue and it destroyed me. Someone told him it could be and he was so very devastated. I totally broke down. No, we broke down- just layed in my bed for an hour crying and holding each other. He just melted in my arms, paralyzed (literally) with fear, sobbing- we both were. It was indescribable, the pain we felt. I wasn't destroyed because it just may be my last Christmas, but because I don't know how to comfort him. You can't!!! It's just not possible. It's not even remotely normal or feasible to try to come up with any words to explain this or make it in some way ok. I cannot prepare him for my death. I just can't- because it's NOT ok!!! I want so very desperately to meet his first real girlfriend, teach him to drive, watch him graduate, go to all his FB games, sit at our bonfires with him, plan birthday parties, be there to pray with him and tuck him in every night, just love him every day, etc. And it is utterly heartbreaking to- even for a single split second- think of all of that without me there. I am his biggest fan, his best friend, the person who loves him and adores him more than anyone else! All of my babies!!!!!!! Little boys need their mommy's!!! It's just not right and I can't wrap my head around it, so WTH do I say to him?!? Gosh, it was AWFUL. And I don't want to start in on all that and get so sad again, but I just want for you to understand this news couldn't come at a better time! Because all I could come up with the other night was how we are supposed to trust God with ALL of our hearts, and not to try to lean on our own understanding, but trust Him! Whatever the future holds... it will be good because God has big, good plans for us, and we have each other now, we have the best life and most love that many people never get to experience. I talked to him about kids who are abused, or who never knew their mom or dad, blah blah blah and to try to think how lucky we are that we have so so so much love for each other and a really happy life. But even though I spoke those words, and I tried really hard to be sincere and convincing... we both knew that they didn't matter, because both of our hearts were breaking at the thought of me having to leave him. SINGLE worst moment of my life! Thank God Paul walked in and took over because I was about to crack, literally. I couldn't take 1 more moment. I wanted to just die right then.


Now I am crying again, great! But there's no room for tears today cause I got to call ALL THREE of my babies in the kitchen and tell them this most wonderful, joyful, hopeful news!!! And then I called my baby, Paul. OK, I am smiling again, lol. What a precious, amazing gift. My cancer has been at least slowed down!!! And ALL glory goes to my God! They say He only gives you what you can handle, (which I kinda think is BS hahaha) Well, if it's true He knew I'm at my limit, lol. We all are. But thank you God in heaven and in my heart- for giving your daughter something so very, very, very happy! Now my family can breath! I know they've been so worried lately and wondering if it's getting close. They have been thinking I am jaundice, the abdominal discomfort I've been having off & on, this week I had a fever/chills & didn't feel good (just a virus and I need a blood transfusion for low hgb per Dr. M). Again, thank you God! because I was worried histo was back which would have been a NIGHTMARE of complications, could cost me my life). BUT WE CAN BREATH and be free, totally free from worry and fear! I am so glad for them, I could feel the stress and tension in all of them and THAT is what I hate about this damn disease! So, this is the best Christmas ever, for we have no worries! yay! yay! yay! Lesson learned... we should trust with all our hearts, and cast all of our anxieties on Him! Easier said than done sometimes, but we should. God is all things that are good, and this is very, very good :) So most of all I want to just thank you again Lord.... I have a light shining inside me so bright now that has always been here, but it just grew so much bigger and brighter with pure, utter JOY!!!! Merry Christmas everyone, I hope yours will be as happy as mine! I was already ecstatic, but now i am just crazy, silly happy! Now all I want for Christmas is for everyone to remember what it is truly about... our beautiful baby Jesus! :) Happy birthday to you, la la la la la! Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing it- I make Wyatt cry when I sing the birthday song hahahaha! But I'm singing anyway today! You should too... for every good thing & blessing you have!!! I hope you see them. K, done preaching.... love & peace out!