OK, so I don't know why I was being such a negative Nancy on my last post. Yes, chemo sucks, but it is what it is and I need to focus on positive things. So here are some happy pics. My BFF Laura came to visit, and brought her man, Greag, AKA Tarzan. BAHAHAHA! We had so much fun. We played Bocci ball, and Greag was all like, "bring it, are you ready to lose?"....well, he wasn't so good. Laura, who noone wanted on their team, kicked all of our butts. She even threw the dang ball through a tire swing and made pointts. You suck Laura, but I still love you. Then my friends Angie & her boys, Devin & Kurt, stopped by, and Sarah & Eric. The guys played FB in the dark with tiki torches & car lights to light up the field. Then we had a bonfire and Greag kept telling us great jokes...not. heeheehee. It was a GREAT night. I haven't had that much fun since I don't remember when.

Tuesday I took Levi & Devin fishing. We caught sucker fish mostly, but Devin did get a rock bass. And Levi caught TWO fish on the same line on 1 cast...it was crazy. I've never seen that before. He was so excited. I love that kid's laugh! I was having a blast until the boys told me there were leaches in the water, as I was standing in it with my feet sunk in the sludge. I flew outa there so fast....they thought it was hilarious. Brats! hahaha. Well, got to go...another dr. appt. wohoo, big day out. lol. Will post later, and I promise not to be such a downer! Have a great day.

So Friday after chemo... we went to Indian Lake to our Italian Villa and all was wonderful. I was feeling great! Friday night we had so much fun. We had good company, good campfire, good weather...what else could you ask for? Pics left to right.... Levi and his friend Tyler with a new friend, I forget her name..lol, chemo brain. Paul marking Levi's face, hahaha...he SO deserved it. Then me and Ricky, Lisa's nephew...he is soooo cute, love that kid! Me and Dave, Paul's brother. Next is Lisa, Pam, me, Steph, and Ali. (Ricky's momma and sisters) They are the sweetest family ever. Then me and my baby, Paulie. Saturday night...chemo kicked in. I took the bottom picture sometime after we went home. I am not exaggerating...it took me about 5 minutes to muster the strength to pick up my phone & take this pic. And the phone was lying on the couch next to my head. Chemo SUCKS!!!! I cannot describe in words how it feels, but I will try; you are feeling fine and at first it comes in waves. Out of the blue it hits you, your mind feels foggy, sometimes a headache too, dizziness, weakness- and by weakness, I mean you can't even walk without convincing yourself you can for about 10 minutes & having someone help hold you up, with the sensation of waves of poison circulating through your body. I can actually feel the poison rushing through my veins...not a pleasant feeling. I just have a sense of impending doom. All you can do is lie there, feeling like your body is dying...thats when my other personality, Sybil(my other personality), moves in. Suddenly it is all very real. I HAVE CANCER. I start having flashbacks of Terry, and feel overwhelmed with what my family is being subjected to all over again. I watch alot of those TV shows; forensic files, the first 48, etc. I imagine chemo feels somewhat like arsenic poisoning. At this point I lose it, emotionally. All I can do is lie there and cry. The only thing I have control over is my eyes, the rest of my body feels heavy and paralyzed. My body isn't mine anymore, it feels unattached and like it is rotting. BUT...the good news... this time I met a really sweet woman, Denise, up at the lake. She taught me all about meditation, visualization techniques, and how- when you smile or laugh...even if it is fake, your brain releases chemicals that lift your mood. So Paul was amazing, he did visualization with me. He stayed right beside me, holding me. He calmed me down by having me close my eyes and he "took" me back to Galveston, walking out on the rocks and sitting there at night with the ocean rolling in at our feet. He described it so vividly and somehow I was able to get out of my body & the moment to be peaceful enough to fall asleep. I thank God for him! He is the my rock. These waves of what I have termed "icky" come and go for a day or two. Then icky comes to stay.

It is so hard... because I feel totally normal beforehand and think I am ready for the next round, actually kinda excited to kill this crap. But you forget just how horrible it is until you re-live it again. And when you do, NOTHING can prepare you. Although there is always a silver lining! This time there were a few; I learned techniques to help me cope, and am lucky enough to have my beautiful Paulie there to carry me. And then when Sybil took over and was pathetically hopeless, wanting to give up... my friend Sarah was right there kicking her out. She wrote me a beautiful letter I can refer to every time I am filled with despair. It reminds me of all the reasons I was put on this earth, including the life I have ahead of me. It is filled with hope, but in a factual way to remind me that faith, hope, trust, and God are way more powerful that chemo or cancer. At the end of the letter she wrote a cancer chant and included a sign for Sybil to put on my fridge. Made me laugh and cry (happy tears).

CANCER CHANT:

Cancer, I did not give you the right,

to invade my body and take a bite.

This is my body and with all my might,

I WILL prevail with one hell of a fight!

To the cancer inside, I will battle & kill.

For that is my body's God given will.

To my cancer, these words I do send...

Your life is short and near the end!!!

SYBIL FRIDGE SIGN:

Go away Sybil...

Because the will of God will NEVER take me

where the grace of God will not protect me!

God our Father, walk through my house today

take away all my worries and illness,

in Jesus' name.... Amen

Thank you Sarah!

The other blessing in all of this... my sissy, Jill. She took me tues to get a CT scan and get marked for radiation. She pushed me in a wheelchair, albeit against my will, lol, and sat with me as I pathetically laid on the waiting room floor, I tried to sit in the chair as long as I could. Our two little boys were there waiting patiently, being so well behaved! We were there forEVER, 2 hours, I think. Anyway, she is my little angel! I love you Jill & could NOT do this without you!

To Ali... I am so sorry you had to see me like that. I HATE it that you did. But thank you for helping me get into the bed. And thank you for coming up...I love hanging with you & very much enjoyed talking with you before things went south. You are such a beautiful girl, inside and out!!! Just remember...that is NOT me, that was chemo.

To Levi and Andrew, I wish that all of this would never be a part of your childhood memories. That is what makes me the saddest. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I just pray for the ability to tackle it head on with my head held high, so you remember that. I will not let this steal my love for my life, or my joy!!!

OK, so this is a ridiculously long post, totally self-absorbed, and full of chemo/cancer junk. I dont know why, maybe it is therapeutic to me, but I wanted to get it all out there. But now I am done. I feel awesome again, grabbing life by the balls and seizing the day! Today is Levi's last day of summer, school starts tomorrow morning. So we are going to go fishing for the day! Hope we catch a bass!!! That is the goal. And it is perfect outside, just perfect. Not too hot, not too cool. YAY! Watch out little fishies...here we come!

top picture is zack...our other baby boy! jessi's boyfriend...we love zackie! (aka zippy)they are due to a story similar to theres something about mary...frank and beans! HAHAHA so...the pics are from the night we met his family, then pics of ty on move-in day at ashland...i did good...didn't cry till i pulled away. the bottom pic is meredith..his girlfriend...they are attached at the hip...so i know it's going to be hard for them both. mer, if you're reading this u better still visit me! anyhooo..i got hit hard yest with round 4..but i feel awesome today! yipee! its the steroids..so i will probly crash and burn by mon or tues...but thats ok...kickin cancer ass! gotta go..headin to the lake for some R&R. pauls in the car waiting! i will blog again soon. so much to talk about! love to all!

as you can see... we had a wonderful time in Galveston! Funny how your plans differ from God's sometimes, I thought I had been led to Texas for surgery, when really what I needed was time away with my husband! It was perfect and we were so happy there. Fell in love all over again! And, i discovered the sun isn't my enemy anymore...I am happier than anyone will ever know... my life is BEAUTIFUL & PERFECT!!! So, chemo this thurs., 3 more rounds, then radiation. I am sick of thinking & talking about cancer...but I know ya'all want to know whats going on. So thats the plan. Enough on that! Preparing myself to take Ty to Ashland wed. At least trying...my little baby boy...leaving home :( I will miss him so! At least I'm not working so I can visit him alot! YAY! Have a great day everyone!

We are on the hooker side of houston, so we are out here! We walked forever yest & I was sooo tired, just couldn't go anymore...so we "borrowed" a shopping cart from one of the many homeless, & paulie pushed me down main st. We were laughing all the way! I am blogging from my phone, so idk if the picture will get sent...hope so. It was so hilarious...him pushing me with my bag on his shoulder. It was fun though...I felt like buddy the elf. Hahaha. So, I had appt, not a candidate 4 sugery. They said I am in more than the top 10% of excellent responses to chemo. She said I AM the very best they have seen. They also recommend radiation at some point also. So, we are going 2 galveston to have FUN! I am DONE with all this cancer crap..goin on my honeymoon! I can't wait 2 get there & feel the sand in my toes!!! Ahhhh, to smell the salty air & hear the waves crashing in, there is nowhere I feel closer 2 God than the beach...heaven on earth! So...cheers to my romantic getaway...Salute!

Those are raindrops on my head btw.

I woke up to this picture this morning....aren't they so sweet? I love my little doodlebug so much! I want him to stay a boy forever :)

So then I made my coffee, changed it up and was front porch sitting...due to the rain. I was so happy, I love the rain. I was trying to remember how it felt when I was little and played for hours in it. Then I said to myself, " self, why are you sitting here watching the rain? You should go out there and be in it again!" So I walked out by the cornfield, held my arms out, closed my eyes, face to the sky. It was AWESOME! It was so cool and refreshing. I felt like part of this earth, felt so close to God. I stood there forever. Then I ran down the driveway stomping and splashing in the puddles, soaking wet in my pajamas. I was giggling, it was so much fun. So...if anyone from Fletcher drove by and witnessed this display, I am not crazy, I was just loving life at the moment. lol.

Well, I have to get to gettin. So much to do before I leave for Houston! I am really excited to get there!!! I am hoping it won't be so hot, thanks to hurricane Bonnie. I think she was down-graded though. Adios amigos! Will let you all know anything, as I get any new info.

P.S. I am so thankful for 100% human hair fake eyelashes! They are my new best friend :) hahaha. LOVE THEM!

P.P.S. Cindy, I would actually prefer Hillary to be the president right now. LOL! Can't believe I just wrote those words. So good to hear from you. I love it when people post comments, since I am not working it's nice to have this to look forward to.

P.P.P.S. Thanks for your comment JP...means a lot to me! Hope you are happy and doing well!

P.P.P.P.S. Deaton, I can't wait to see you again. You have no idea how much I love your visits. I love ya girl!!!

Jenni (Calvin) Edwards & me!


Our puppies playing in my
backyard;

Gus, my daughter Jessi's dog
Oliver, Jenni's dog-he's so big!
Oliver, my sweet baby boy.



Jenni came to visit me last night, YAY! I got to get on facebook(I am not on it) and see a bunch of people from high school. It was fun, brought back so many memories. We had a really nice visit, I love that girl!!!! I think it is so funny we named our dogs the same name! And I have to tell you...Amy Adkins-Retherford, you are beautiful! Inside and out! :)

I want to take a minute and thank, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, all of the kind people at Fletcher United Methodist Church! I hope someone from there is reading this and passes along how thankful and grateful I am for all of their Prayers, and the meals that keep coming! I know everyone has busy lives and times are hard economically. And to think that you are taking time and money to make these meals for myself and my family...I am humbled! Thank you-thank you-thank you! I want to especially like to thank Pastor Russ, I love your visits and prayers. And I appreciate you putting up with my multiple personality disorder that comes with the treatments. lol. I still haven't thought of a name for the "other" personality who emerges with chemo! How about Sybil? Have you ever seen that movie? She was NUTS! And that's how I feel after chemo.....PERFECT! hahahaha.

I am so glad chemo will be pushed back for my Texas trip. Wohooooo! So I will be feeling good for awhile! Oh, and I am so very excited, I upgraded to a cell phone where I can get on-line and all that junk. Hopefully I will learn quickly so I can blog while I am down there. I am getting way better with technology!

Hope you have a wonderful day today! Smile, it makes you feel happy!


Psalm 62:2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken!