(top left) my nieces Hannah and Sarah. (top right) my sisters; Terry, God rest her soul, Chris, and Lisa-in Chicago this past Dec. (left) my sissy jill :)

So, I feel much better physically than Thursday. But emotionally, that's another story. This whole process gets to me at times (chemo time) and I just become one big ball of a weepy, ridiculous mess! It's like a faucet gets turned on and I just cry....a lot. I hate it, because it's not me. And when you feel so bad, it is very hard sometimes to hold onto happiness, joy, and hope. Those are the moments I hate. That was me all day Thurs. and late last night. My poor hubby has to get up in a few at 5 am to work, and I lost it last night...stealing his sleep. My poor baby, going through this, AGAIN!!!! I still can't wrap my head or my heart around Terry being gone. Do we seriously have the same kind of cancer? Did she really die? It has all happened so fast. I miss her so badly. I want to see her beautiful eyes and infectious smile. I want to hear her laugh, and know that she'll be dancing at the next family party like she always did. I just want to hug her and never let go. The pain of losing her is so great. Here I go, crying again.
O.K. so I have to just say that TERRY, I AM FIGHTING THIS FOR US!!! I hope you hear me and know that I am trying to stay so strong and fight like hell, like you did. You are amazing and I love you!!!!!!!!!
I just have to say to myself, "Self, stop it! Stop being such a wuss, chin up, get your faith back!" It is so hard. Because I am so tired. I think the past 3 years is catching up with me. But, I do have to say that I am glad that I have something concrete I can fight head on. That whole dermatomyositis crap was way worse. That stole so much of my life, couldn't be outside in the sun, or garden/mulch/plant flowers, swim with my baby boy, work under fluorescent lights, shop at grocery due to the lights, again, go to church because of the lights, couldn't wash my hair because the water felt like it was scalding hot, couldn't dry off with a towel because the skin on my back and chest was so tender and painful. It was awful! Way worse than this cancer. I am not trying to be like....woe is me. Trust me, I know there are so many people out there with WAY bigger crosses to bear than mine, and I am thankful for mine. Thankful it's me and not my kids or husband. Just reminding myself of how I felt then....and praising God that getting chemo resolved all of that! Now I just have permanent discoloration on my face, but I can cover it with make-up! wohoo! No more purple and red raised, itching lesions! Don't know if any of you saw "Theres something about Mary," but I seriously was EXACTLY like Woogie. lol. Wasn't funny at the time...I felt like a crazed psycho scratching every few seconds all the time. Sure I looked like one too! And then there was the disseminated histoplasmosis in '08, which was also worse than this chemo crap. And God spared me and let me live. I do have so many blessings in all of this. I just have to remember them when I am feeling weary.
So, I am letting all this out, publicly, because I want my entire truth to be known. Not just the "rainbows and butterflies" side of me. THIS is cancer. It sucks! It is the biggest mind *#$*&%# ever! It is a difficult path. Sometimes it gets the best of me, but I have to remember....not to look in the rear view mirror for too long, or I could crash. And live for today. The truth is, we are all dying, I could get killed tomorrow by a bus....so I need to stop feeling overwhelmed with the future, today is all we know we have! That is just negative, wasted energy. Alrighty....I'm back baby!!!
One more thing, the pics above....got to give props to Miranda (not pictured), Hannah, and Sarah...my sweetest ever nieces. I cannot believe how you love me! I feel it every day when I get the mail!!! You are so dedicated to lifting my spirits with your beautiful artwork. Makes me smile BIG! I love you guys to the moon! TEAM EDWARD ALL THE WAY!!!!! yeah!
And my amazing, strong, beautiful sisters...I love you and find more comfort in you than you'll EVER know! Words cannot express how much I do love you! You know how they say blood is thicker than water? Well...my ass it is! Chris and Lisa....you are my sisters...to the end. God blessed me with the most precious Adducchio family...I am so very lucky to have you. (All of you Adducchios!) "A sister is someone to laugh, sing, dance, and cry with." I found my necklace Chris, won't come off again :) And we've done it all. ( Personally, I prefer the laughing, singing, and dancing. especially your"happy birthday" wretched singing lisa, hahaha)
To my sweet Jill, my "twin"...I am connected to you so deeply. I am so happy we look alike, sound alike, same mannerisms, think alike. It's crazy...the love we have. I don't know what I would do without you! You are always there for me, you pick me up, cry with me, hold me, keep me laughing. You have always been right by my side. You are my best friend, my confidant, a huge part of my heart. You drop everything when i need you, you are a second mamma to my babies. You are the most giving, loving, precious gift! And I thank God for you. Every day.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding noone can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

AMEN


STUPID CANCER!!!!! YOU WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT, CANNOT STEAL MY SOUL!!!! YOU CANNOT TAKE MY HOPE, MY FAITH, MY JOY I HAVE INSIDE FOR MY LIFE! OR MY LAUGHTER EITHER! TAKE THAT STUPID *&%#@#& CANCER BALL!!!!

ok. i am officially nuts! hahaha Oh wait, i already was! heeheehee